by Diane Adams
Sometime later a knock at the door startled him. His brow furrowed and he drew faster, unwilling to let his muse slip away. The knock sounded again, more insistent than before, and he laid down his pencil with a sigh. He studied what he'd accomplished, surprised at how much he'd finished, and grinned when he realized the rest remained clear in his mind. His inspiration no fleeting muse but the real thing. God, finally! Alex hurried to answer the door, unwilling to miss his visitor.
Expecting Clark or Stevie, he blinked in surprise at the sight of Jared's mother standing there.
Her expression questioned her welcome as she held a brightly colored box up between them. "I brought doughnuts."
Alex knew his smile was a shadow of if its former self, but he used it anyhow and stepped back to welcome her inside. "That's convenient. I love doughnuts, especially from Fred's. Come on in."
Some of the tension seeped out of her shoulders and Alex wondered if she'd thought he'd slam the door in her face. Not seeing anyone didn't mean he had to be rude. A week ago he'd have never opened the door in the first place. "Let me have your coat and I'll get some coffee, make yourself at home."
Beth set the box of doughnuts on the coffee table and shrugged out of her winter coat, handing it over willingly. Alex tried to ignore the way her concerned gaze took in the blank walls and lack of personal effects decorating the apartment. He guessed he and Jared could be packed and moved out in ten minutes, fifteen tops, and it'd be like they had never been there. When they left there would be no sentimental ties to the apartment. Alex viewed it as no more than a way station, a meaningless place to stop before they moved on to the rest of their lives. Seeing it through Beth's eyes, he understood for the first time that such an attitude might not be healthy.
Thinking about the bare apartment being a sign of his illness made Alex uncomfortable. Frowning, he draped Beth's coat over the back of a dining room chair and went into the kitchen to pour their coffee.
"You still take cream and sugar?" he called to where Beth sat perched on the edge of the couch his sketchbook in hand. Alex's stomach knotted. No one was supposed to see his drawing. The plan forming in his mind had yet to solidify, and he didn't know if it would ever be reality, but the idea demanded expression and his fingers itched for the pencil even as he spooned sugar into coffee. Beth schooled her face into careful neutrality and he wondered what she really thought, if she'd be honest with him if he asked.
The sketchbook lay on the table beside the open box of doughnuts when he got back to the living room and handed her a ceramic cup of coffee. The blue mug lacked personality like the rest of their living space. All the decorated mugs, most with smart- aleck sayings that had made them laugh, were lost to the fire. He pushed the thought away with stern determination—no more wallowing. If Jared caught him brooding too much it'd be back to his therapist, and he'd already seen the man every day since the thing in the snow.
"If you won't talk to me, you're going to talk to someone."
Alex remembered how pissed off he'd been when Jared dragged him out of bed with the dawn's early light, or so it had seemed. He hadn't been up that early in months. Though in retrospect he couldn't decide which annoyed him more, the crack of dawn therapy sessions or the fact Jared had been right. Alex had scared himself that night in the snow. He'd had thoughts since the fire he hadn't recognized as suicidal. Mostly images of things happening out of his control that would set him free from how bad he felt, thoughts of how much easier things would be for people if he was gone.
The therapist had demanded to know if Alex had thoughts of suicide.
No, of course not, I'd never hurt myself.
Except he almost had, and without Jared's diligent observance he would be out of the life he didn't really want to leave.
He’d finished the session with a new diagnosis—clinical depression—and a different prescription. Knowing he had a real mental illness didn’t help Alex feel better, it just scared the crap out of him. Practical Jared had shown no reaction at all, just brought him home and stayed with him the next two days until they were sure the new medication helped more than his old pills had.
Alex still didn’t want to be touched, but at least he stopped thinking that being under the snow was preferable to being on top of it.
"Alex?"
He startled and glanced up at Beth from the cup he'd been staring at for far too long. He wondered what his expression held that caused her to look at him the way she did, worried and sad. He dropped his gaze back to his cup without saying anything.
"When Red died, I wanted to die, too. His heart attack came out of nowhere and stole him from me. Red seemed robust, he never had a sick day and rarely went to the doctor. His health turned out to be an illusion." As she spoke, her gentle voice filling the silence, Beth opened the box of doughnuts and handed a chocolate glazed one to him. "I blamed myself. I cooked for him, and while the doctors couldn't tell me the cause of his heart failing, we all know diet is a huge part of a person's health. I felt I wanted too much and he'd worked too hard to give me those things. If I'd worked outside the home he could have worked less. There were so many reasons and ways to blame myself."
Alex frowned, unsure why she was confiding such intimate details to him. "Beth…"
She touched his hand. "No, let me finish. If it hadn't been for Jared, I would have killed myself. I didn't want to live without Red with only guilt and sadness to fill the emptiness of his absence. I was more deliberate than you. I kept a bottle of pills beside the bed, and at night in the dark I would hold the bottle and think of him, with the promise of oblivion in the weight of those pills.
"And the phone would ring. One or two o'clock in the morning. Every night. Jared. He needed me. I'd put the pills back. He knew somehow, though we never talked about it. I never told my brokenhearted boy about the dark that plagued me through that time, but he knew. One night I went to bed and when I reached for the pills they were gone. A piece of paper lay on the nightstand in the place of the bottle. One word had been written on it. 'No'. Jared showed up the next morning in his dad's truck and he drove me to my therapist." Beth paused in her telling and took a sip of her coffee. "I was so angry with him, that he would dare."
"I'm glad he did," Alex whispered.
"So am I, for me then and for you now." She held his gaze for a moment before turning her attention to her doughnut.
"But losing a house is nothing compared to losing your husband. I need to just get over it." At a loss for words to explain what he didn't understand himself, Alex followed Beth's example, taking a bite out of the doughnut he’d forgotten was in hand.
"Losing Red was a more permanent loss, but the two of you lost a part of yourselves when that house burned. You share Jared's love for the special moments of life, of building physical memories as well as those in your heart. You designed the house out of love. Jared built it for the same reason. Together you made it into something more than just a place to live. Your love for one another, your personalities were ingrained in that house. A total stranger set in the middle of it would have a feel for the two of you within moments of arriving, what you mean to one another and how you lived your lives."
Alex felt the hollow ache of loss in his chest. He mourned for their home, for what they'd built together. "Jared let it go."
"Jared is something of a unique individual. He dealt with the loss of his father much the same way he has this one. He buries himself in his duty, siphons off the burden of his emotions into the activity of doing what has to be done. Of course, this time he sees what he didn't lose. The fact you could have died puts the loss of the house in better perspective for him. Your guilt magnifies the loss in your mind, just like it did in mine."
Shaking his head, Alex finally looked at her. "Everyone keeps saying we have to start over, the therapist, Jared, and that's at the root of what you're telling me. Start over. I can't start over. I feel like we're just having a redo of things we already did. I'm trying to design a house when I'
ve already done it, and I know Jared loves old houses more than he'll ever love a new one. Everyone expects Jared and I'll go back to the construction company fulltime when we all know Jared would rather be a carpenter and handyman than a general contractor." He looked at his empty hand, surprised to find he'd finished his doughnut.
Beth replaced it with another. "Are you telling me you don't think Jared was happy?"
"No, that's not it. We were deliriously happy. It just seems like in the middle of all this destruction we have the chance to do something new, an opportunity to take risks we didn't take before."
Beth reached down beside the couch and picked up the drawing of the skyscraper. She laid it on the table. "Like this?"
Alex shrugged uncomfortably. "Maybe."
"This is a workshop for the two of you?" Her fingers touched his drawing lying beside the box of doughnuts and his gaze fixed on it. He could see it in his mind already completed, a place he and Jared could work together and share their dreams, as different as they were.
"Yes."
"Jared thinks you are designing a house."
"I did that already. Jared already gave me the moon. This time I want to reach for the stars with him." He flushed at the sound of his words. They hadn't seemed so corny in his head. "I found a house I want to buy, one he can fix up to his heart's content and…" Alex hesitated unsure if he had the nerve to voice the rest aloud.
"And?" Beth watched him with careful eyes.
"I'm going to suggest we sell out our part of JD Construction to Clark."
Give It All Away
Stevie looked up from the book she was reading to her youngest children when the door opened and her oldest boys trooped inside, followed closely by Jared. Jay and Xander laughed at something Jared said, looking happier and more relaxed than they'd been in days. Jay's run-in with the neighborhood bully had taken a lot out of the entire family. She felt glad to see things returning to normal, or as normal as they'd ever be with a set of gay twins under the roof. Stevie thought sixteen seemed young for them to be so sure but Clark reminded her Alex had been aware of his sexuality at thirteen.
Discovering they were gay was a normal development in the lives of some young people, but aware that everyone in the world didn't see gay youths as normal, Stevie worried. She watched as they hung up their coats, relieved to see Jay no longer favored his side. Xander took Jared's coat and put it in the closet beside the rest. He lingered a few more minutes talking to the boys, before tousling their hair and letting them go. Jared turned towards Stevie with a warm smile and an answering one curled her own lips. She closed the book she'd been reading to the dismay of the little ones.
"Mom!" Kels protested.
She handed him the book. "Your brothers will finish the story in the kitchen. Cookies and milk for everyone!"
"Yay!" Jens jumped down and detoured for a quick hug of Jared's leg. He looked up and met Jared's amused gaze. "Cookies."
"I understand, little man, priorities." Jared grinned and Jens looked confused. "Go eat your cookies, I'll see you after."
Jens beamed and let go of Jared's leg, making a beeline for the kitchen. Rachel, only four and the newest addition to the Johnson clan, paused to look back at Stevie, an ugly fat cat hung limp in her arms.
"Can I go get Annie? She likes cookies."
Stevie smiled at her. "Sure, if she's not done with her schoolwork, tell her I said it's time for a cookie break. Leave kitty in the bedroom and wash your hands before you eat." Rachel nodded and turned to hurry up the stairs.
Patting the sofa beside her Stevie turned her smile on Jared.
He grinned back. "How's she doing? Do she and Annie share a room?"
"The only other place to put her was the classroom and we need that. Annie is thrilled to share with her little sister. I thought she'd be disappointed we didn't adopt a baby but it turns out four is the perfect age for a new adopted sister." Stevie laughed. "Rachel is doing okay, she's still deciding about us… well, all of us but Annie, whom she adores. She's a little shy with the twins and Clark, but she never had a father in the home so that's only natural. It's going to take her a little while to trust me."
"I'll never understand how people abandon their children." Jared kept his voice low, watching as Annie and Rachel came down the stairs hand in hand. Rachel looked freshly scrubbed.
"Uncle J!" Annie grinned, and at the bottom of the stairs she leaned to whisper something in Rachel's ear. The little girl waited, watching big-eyed as Annie rushed over to hug Jared. She forgot her nearly adult status of thirteen-going-on-fourteen and sat down on his knee. "How's Uncle A?"
"He's doing much better. I think we'll be over to visit soon."
Annie clasped her hands together in her lap with barely contained delight. "Really?"
"I promise. Now I think someone is anxious the boys are going to eat all the cookies before she gets there." He nodded in Rachel's direction.
Annie hugged him again and hurried to go reassure Rachel that if boys had all the cookies, girls would take them back.
Stevie watched as they disappeared into the kitchen. "Sometimes I forget how many of them there are." She laughed.
"Six is a lot," Jared agreed. "But is it enough?"
Stevie blushed. Every time she thought their family was complete she'd gotten that stirring that told her there was room for one more. "It is for now. Tell me how the boys were."
"Brilliant as usual. We worked on the banister for one of the elderly ladies in town, Mrs Hodgens. We got it fixed and the boys shoveled snow for her so she can get to the car without killing herself. We're going back next week to work on some bad places in the floor and the walls." Jared shook his head. "It's sad how these people live in their homes their entire lives, and so many spend their final years watching the places fall apart around them because they don't have the money for repairs. Mrs Hodgens shouldn't be using the stairs, however sturdy they are. I thought of a way to convert her downstairs into a single apartment and the upstairs could be closed off. I'm going to talk to Clark about it before I mention it to her. I doubt she can pay very much, if anything, but it'll be a fantastic project for the boys."
Stevie covered her doubt with a smile. Clark wouldn't stand in the way of Jared helping the elderly lady, but he'd mentioned to her that sometimes he thought Jared gave away as much as they made and he got frustrated with Jared's forays into remodeling and repair work when he wanted the business focused on commercial building. They had very different ideas of how to run things and while Jared often deferred to Clark as the one with stronger business sense, he still turned up regularly with jobs that took more time and paid less.
Stevie thought Clark should suggest they create two departments within the company and become JD Construction and Home Repair, but Clark balked at the idea. Despite his status as full partner, Clark saw the company as Jared's and any ideas for major change had to come from him. Sometimes it took every ounce of her willpower not to interfere.
"It sounds like they'd learn a lot. You know, Jared, I have friends who homeschool and they are very jealous of my arrangement with you for the boys. You are so good with the twins. Have you thought about doing a class? You could actually get paid for your time." Stevie watched Jared's face light up at the idea.
"Seriously? I never thought about it being a big deal. I enjoy the boys. I wouldn't mind adding a few more." Jared's expression dimmed. "But there's no time for it. I already take so much time away from the company for all the odd projects I do. Clark will have a fit if I add something permanent."
Feeling surprised, Stevie studied Jared in silence. That was the first hint she'd ever had that he was aware of how Clark felt.
Jared frowned and started to say something but clamped his mouth closed.
"What?" she asked, feeling a bit leery. The conversation had taken a turn she hadn't expected and wasn't sure she should pursue.
"It's just… Alex has been gone from work for the whole year and I've hardly been there. Clark's
run everything without us. I know he's always wanted to do more commercial stuff and I sometimes I feel like I'm holding him back." Jared hesitated and his jaw firmed. "What do you think he'd say if I offered to sell out to him?"
Finding the Way Home
When Jared opened the door to the apartment, the smell of something cooking surprised him.
"Alex?" he called when he didn't see Alex in the living room or kitchen.
Alex appeared in the bedroom doorway and leaned a shoulder against the doorjamb. Dressed only in a pair of worn jeans and a T-shirt, the gray sweater surprisingly absent, he looked so much like his old self, Jared's heart skipped a beat and he fumbled for something normal to say. "You made dinner?"
"Your mom came by for a visit. She made stew before she left. It smells great and I'm glad you're home. I've been starving for at least an hour."
"You shouldn't have waited for me," Jared admonished. He held up a gaily striped bag. "Mom called and said she stopped by and you ate doughnuts and went shopping. I brought some more, in case you wanted them. I guess we'll save mine for breakfast."
"Good idea." Alex wrinkled his nose. "I ate my share for today."
"Mom enjoyed her visit." Headed for the kitchen, Jared had crossed half the living room before he realized the walls of the apartment were no longer bare.
He stopped and looked around, turning in a slow circle until he faced Alex. Jared's brain slowly processed what he'd seen. Hung in simple black frames were Alex's sketches of skyscrapers and cityscapes he'd saved from the fire, pictures he'd refused to look at in months. Jared fought the tightening of his throat. He doubted an emotional outburst would benefit Alex, but he didn't attempt to keep the smile of approval from lighting his face.
