‘Yeah, my sentiments exactly,’ Nancy said, with a wry smile. ‘Come on, we’re done here and we’re both frozen to the bone. Come in and have a cup of tea with me. It’s the least I can do.’
They went inside and down to the kitchen.
‘You point and I’ll make the tea,’ said Danielle. Nancy was so weary she didn’t put up a fight. She perched on a kitchen chair, but her guest ordered her into the sitting room, where Danielle quickly cleaned out the fire and relit it.
‘Now we’ll be much cosier in a few minutes,’ Danielle said as she brought a tray in. There were enough cakes to open a shop, so they had their pick and sat back nursing a warm mug each.
‘So . . . would you like to tell me what you’re hiding?’ Nancy asked as she lay back against the cushions and sighed. ‘Ah this is truly wonderful.’ She looked over at Danielle, who looked stricken. ‘It’s alright, love. You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to. I just reckon there’s stuff going on with you that’s causing you some sleepless nights, judging by those bags under your eyes. You don’t seem yourself. If you’d like to talk, I’ll listen and I won’t repeat it to anyone. It might be good to lift the burden.’
‘Janey mac, am I that transparent?’ Danielle said. ‘It’s just that . . .’ She was interrupted by a loud banging noise in the kitchen. Well, it was loud enough to make them both jump.
‘Oh bless them,’ said Nancy. ‘Don’t worry about that. I’ve a pair of kingfishers in the garden. They’ve meandered over here from the local wildlife reserve and set up home. I usually put out food for them, but I guess I forgot with all the commotion today.’
‘They aren’t going to let you forget them,’ said Danielle. ‘That’s the cutest thing. What do you give them?’
‘There’s parrot food there and some dried insects in the jar on the windowsill. Those are their favourite.’
‘Nice,’ said Danielle wrinkling her nose. ‘But I guess that’s what they’re meant to eat. This house is obviously like a little takeaway stop for them.’
The two women got up and went into the kitchen.
‘Can you see them?’ Nancy whispered, pointing.
‘Oh my God, they’re so beautiful,’ Danielle said, staring in wonder. ‘They’re so blue.’
‘I know, aren’t they gorgeous? I’d nearly be moved to believe in God when I look at them, they’re so lovely.’
‘Can I feed them?’ Danielle asked.
‘Sure. The stuff’s there on the windowsill. No sudden movements. Just move slowly and they won’t mind you.’
Danielle crept over and opened the window slowly and sprinkled some food on the sill outside. The two birds hopped closer, eyeing her cautiously. She closed the window noiselessly and stood back. Sure enough, they hopped in closer and closer, until they were standing right on the sill outside the window, jerking insect bits into their beaks.
‘Yuck, and yet gorgeous.’ Danielle laughed. She watched them for a while, then she said, ‘Are they, like, endangered or anything? I’ve never seen kingfishers before.’
‘I checked this out,’ Nancy said. ‘They aren’t in danger just yet, but they are amber-listed, which means they are under threat. And do you know, they are the reason the road got its name.’
‘Are they?’ Danielle said.
‘Yep. You know the nature reserve out on the outskirts of Vayhill? Well, the roads around here were named for the birds found there. This pair obviously hopped the fence and then I spoiled them, so they’ve stayed.’
‘I didn’t know that,’ Danielle said, looking at them thoughtfully. She slowly took her phone from her back pocket and took some photos of the little birds pecking hungrily at their food. ‘They’ve given me an idea,’ she said.
‘You have the photo for your Christmas card, do you?’ Nancy asked.
‘Not quite, but something like that,’ Danielle said.
‘I leave the small shed door open for them,’ Nancy said, ‘and I see them going in and out of there. I’m hoping they’re making a nest in there for the winter, but I’m not sure. I daren’t go and disturb them, on the off chance that they are. But they’re the sweetest little creatures, aren’t they?’
‘They really are,’ said Danielle as she took a few more photographs.
‘So what’s your big idea?’ Nancy asked as they returned to the sitting room, where the fire was now blazing.
‘I’ll tell you when I’ve figured it out properly,’ Danielle said.
‘Oh this is lovely and cosy in here,’ Nancy said, taking up her cup again. ‘Thanks for getting that fire going. Now, where were we?’
‘You were grilling me for information,’ Danielle teased.
‘I’m not being nosy, honest,’ Nancy said, ‘but you do seem troubled.’
‘I am,’ Danielle said simply.
Nancy listened intently as Danielle described her life before Justin, how they met, how his family reacted to her and all about the party they went to, where his mother had treated her with huge disrespect and made it clear she wanted Danielle out of her son’s life. Nancy kept her expression neutral, but she couldn’t believe the woman was capable of such blatant snobbery and, frankly, stupidity.
‘So are you thinking twice about marrying him?’ Nancy asked.
Danielle sighed. ‘The thing is, Nancy, I’m pregnant.’
‘What!?’ Nancy was losing her touch – she hadn’t realised. ‘That’s wonderful news, Danielle. Congratulations. Oh you’ll be such a lovely mother. You’re made for it.’
‘Me?’ Danielle said, looking at her in surprise. ‘I’m only twenty, Nancy. I’ve no idea what I’m doing. How am I going to raise a baby? And what if I end up raising it on my own, if me and Justin can’t make a go of it?’ She started crying softly. ‘I can’t think about anything else. I feel so trapped. I just don’t know what to do.’
‘Would you give up the baby?’ Nancy asked. ‘Or have an abortion?’
Danielle looked up in astonishment. ‘No,’ she said immediately.
‘Well now, that’s something you know for sure,’ Nancy said. ‘You answered that from the heart, and your heart knows you want this baby. That’s a hell of a lot to know, my dear.’
‘I suppose,’ Danielle said, sounding unsure.
‘Baby steps,’ Nancy said. ‘It’s hard to know everything at once, so just start with what you do know. So, you want this baby.’
‘Yes,’ Danielle said, ‘but it’s not that straightforward. I also want to finish my degree and to have a good career. I have a feeling that’s going to be very hard to get back on track, even if we have money. A baby is going to change everything, isn’t it? Maybe even me.’
‘That’s true,’ Nancy said.
‘I mean, are you glad you didn’t have any children?’ Danielle asked.
Nancy took a deep breath. ‘Seeing as you’re divulging secrets, I guess I should let you in on mine. I do have a son.’
Danielle’s eyes shot wide open. ‘Do you? I didn’t know. I thought you were the cool childless one.’
Nancy smiled at that. ‘I am,’ she said, ‘but it’s complicated. When I was sixteen I got pregnant. I won’t go into it, but it was something I didn’t want to happen. When my folks found out, they sent me to a Magdalene.’
‘Oh God, I’ve heard awful stories about those places,’ Danielle said. ‘My mam’s friends used to whisper about it, and I couldn’t believe the stuff they said.’
‘Believe it,’ Nancy said grimly. ‘It’s all true. They basically imprisoned us and punished us for having sex, even if it was rape. It was a horrendous place. But I survived. I was stronger than I realised. They took my baby, though, when he was one month old.’
Nancy noticed that Danielle’s hand instinctively went to her belly. It was a lovely gesture, and it convinced Nancy that Danielle would go on to have this baby and be a good mother.
‘They just . . . took him,’ Danielle said incredulously.
‘Yep. I had no way to stop them, no one to te
ll, no one to turn to. That’s what it was like back then.’
‘So what did you do?’ Danielle asked.
‘I made a life,’ Nancy said. ‘I thought about him, sure, but I tried to put it behind me and move on. I lived in lots of different places, I drank too much and hurt anyone who tried to love me, but then I eventually did move on, in my heart and my head. And I love being just me,’ she said, not sure if such a young woman could understand this. ‘I realised, later, that I wouldn’t have been a good mother. I’m not cut out for it like you are. My boy was better off with the family that adopted him.’
Danielle shook her head. ‘That’s mad,’ she said. ‘You’d never guess all that from you. You’re so feisty and funny.’
‘Everyone’s hiding something,’ Nancy said, nodding. ‘Of that much you can be sure.’
‘But if I don’t have this baby, I’ll be free too,’ Danielle said. ‘I could go back to college and continue on and have that life, the one I meant to have.’
‘You could,’ Nancy said, ‘but then, you’ve got to play with the cards you’ve been dealt. I had to do that. You’re pregnant, you’ve got a ring on your finger, that’s the situation right now.’
‘But is it the situation I want?’ Danielle said, looking almost scared at the thought.
‘Only you can answer that question,’ Nancy said. ‘The thing you’ve got to remember is to be really honest with yourself. If you’re honest about what you want, you can’t go far wrong.’
The two women looked at one another.
‘So what do you want?’ Nancy said.
Danielle looked at her for a long time, in silence. Finally, she bowed her head and said, so quietly Nancy had to strain to catch it, ‘I don’t know anymore what I want.’
After Danielle had left, Nancy sat thinking by the fire for a long time. Her heart went out to the young girl. She was coping with so much at such a tender young age. Who the hell knew what they wanted at twenty? Normally, you got a bit more time to figure that out, but Danielle had been thrown into the deep end.
Nancy was glad she hadn’t mentioned David – Steve – coming back into her life. She was still trying to process that one herself. She couldn’t figure him out. He seemed to want to be in her life, and yet, what was he getting from it? She didn’t feel they’d clicked or gelled or whatever, there wasn’t really a bond there, and yet he wanted to stick around. If she was being honest with herself, she would be fine with saying goodbye to him and leaving it all in the past. Being with him made her feel tired and incomplete, and she hated that feeling. But how could she ever tell him that?
She had just changed so much over the years, she reckoned. She’d fully and totally accepted being childless, and that acceptance had changed her. One day she realised that the decision not to have a kid was just as important as the decision to have a kid, even though it took her years to see that. But really, deciding to be childless came with a bunch of other decisions, and making those choices shaped your whole life and how you viewed things. You became yourself right down to your bone marrow, it was through and through. And now, she was being asked to recast herself as a different person, and she was really struggling. She couldn’t see a way to do that. She was nearly seventy, for Chrissakes, who wants to go doing big personal changes at that age? No one, that’s who. And certainly not her. She sighed. The things she wanted were so simple – her home, her Nelly, her friends, her freedom, her sense of self and independence – and yet, suddenly it seemed that all those things were in doubt. Nancy shook her head. It really is a funny old life, she thought.
Chapter 22
DANIELLE SAT IN HER PERFECTLY NEAT, PERFECTLY empty kitchen. Those conversations with Maia, first, and then Nancy had left her feeling raw. She wasn’t used to being so honest with people, and she felt very exposed and uncomfortable. But at the same time, those talks had brought home to her the enormity of what she was doing by leaving her old life and shacking up with Justin. She had to keep reminding herself that her feelings were valid and she was allowed to have them. She was worried, she was unsure, and Justin’s pretty limp attempts to convince her all was well weren’t working.
She’d tried again last night, after talking to Nancy, tried to make him see things from her point of view. But he’d had a stressed out day at the yard because the horses were suffering from some viral infection, and he’d been too tired to really engage with her. In fact, whenever the question of his mother came up now, she could see him struggling not to roll his eyes. Obviously he felt it was all done and dusted, and that she was just rehashing it over and over again. She’d felt stung by his reaction because, for her, it was far from over. They were supposed to have a whole life ahead of them together, but he wasn’t willing to see the very sharp thorn in their side. He might be stressed and tired, but he still had to be her partner.
She looked around at her ‘home’. Although the house was quickly filling up with pieces they’d bought together, Danielle still felt as if she was living in someone else’s house. She twirled her ring around on her finger. The diamond and sapphire cluster engagement ring was more like a small mountain of ice. She’d never seen anything like it, let alone had one on her finger. She’d never been one to pore over wedding magazines or watch that Say Yes to the Dress show that was her mam’s guilty pleasure. And yet here she was, living a life most girls would kill for, but one that made her question everything about herself.
Whenever she thought of her own mam, her heart hurt. Rachel still looked at her with those misty eyes, obviously thinking of the other life Danielle could be living right now. Her mam was ill-at-ease in the house whenever she visited, which wasn’t often. She could tell Rachel was struggling with all this as well, and it was creating a chasm between them that frightened her. They hadn’t always seen eye-to-eye, of course, but when her dad walked out on them ten years ago, they’d become a tight unit, their own little cheerleading team. The fact that it now felt they were living on two different planets really hurt. There was no way she wanted to be in a situation where she had to choose between Justin and Rachel, she just couldn’t do that. But then, it felt like Rachel was making that choice for her by not coming round. Would she be there to help when the baby arrived? Danielle knew she’d be completely lost without her, and she couldn’t see Celia-Ann changing stinky nappies and cheering her on while she breastfed. She needed her mam.
Danielle suddenly felt like she was in a cage, or one of those rooms where the walls close in until you’re crushed. She wanted to get away from it, away somewhere she could think straight without all this luxury turning her head and making her question herself. She needed to figure out what she was going to do now, and she couldn’t do that in this swanky pad that felt alien to her. She felt in her pocket and pulled out the keys to the Range Rover. It was a monster and she hated driving it, but it certainly turned heads. She hadn’t even told Rachel about it, because she knew she’d be in for a pile of slagging about her ‘fancy new life’, but right now she needed one thing: to go home, her real home. She grabbed her bag and coat and slammed the front door behind her. She climbed into her car and switched on the engine, then pulled slowly out of Kingfisher Road and headed in the opposite direction.
When she reached Westwood, she could see people staring at the Rover, clocking how much it cost and who was driving it. She kept her eyes straight ahead, hoping her mam wouldn’t kill her for bringing all this attention on them. She wished for the umpteenth time that Justin had let her keep the Yaris as a back-up car, but he’d been adamant that it had to go. As she navigated the roads near her old home, she realised with a shock that she hadn’t been out here in about nine months. When she was living on campus, she hadn’t wanted to leave it and then once she’d met Justin, she’d been totally besotted with him and spent every spare second with him. There she was, being hurt that Rachel wasn’t visiting Kingfisher Road, but now she realised her mam could accuse her of the exact same thing. What had happened to them?
She pulle
d up at the gate, noting that it was still hanging on one hinge. There was very little space to park, but she did her best. Getting out, she checked her parking, then nodded, pleased with how well she’d managed. She pressed the lock button and the alarm made a very loud beeping noise. She jumped and then flushed, hoping half the road hadn’t heard it.
Her heart hammered in her chest and she began to sweat as she walked up the small driveway. It was all so familiar, yet so far away from the life she’d just begun. The house looked like a tiny doll’s house in comparison with where she lived now. The other houses were so close together, it felt stifling.
The sound of the ping-pong of the doorbell made her want to cry. She had the front door key in her hand, but she was afraid to use it. This wasn’t her home anymore, and she felt she no longer had the right to just walk right in.
A figure appeared and stared at her through the mottled glass panel. The door opened slowly.
‘Mam,’ Danielle said, as her voice cracked. ‘Can I come in?’
Rachel looked out and beyond Danielle to the sleek car standing outside her house. ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph, did you drive that thing here? Why did you bring it here? They’ll have the wheels off before we’ve finished a cup of tea.’
Danielle smiled in spite of herself. ‘It’s okay. I don’t have the other car anymore.’
‘Is that so?’ Rachel said, looking put out. ‘Too high and mighty for any car I could give you, I suppose. Well, come on in and don’t be standing there on the step.’
She stood to the side and Danielle walked past her, breathing in the longed for smell of home. They walked in silence to the kitchen, where Danielle automatically filled the kettle and flicked it on.
‘Tea or coffee?’
‘Tea would be grand,’ Rachel said, watching her carefully. ‘So what brings you down here?’
The Gift of Friends Page 25
