"Please don't be late," he whispered in desperation.
"I won't. I promise."
"See you tomorrow, Sydney. I can't wait to see you."
"Me too," I agreed. "Bye."
"Good-bye, baby."
I hung up reluctantly and sat staring at my phone for a while. Tomorrow couldn't come fast enough. I set the alarm on my phone, pulled off my clothes, and crawled under the blankets. It was only eight o'clock, but I suddenly felt a bone deep fatigue, and I drifted off to sleep within moments.
Chapter Two
Jensen
David didn't pull into my driveway until almost 10AM. I couldn't believe how long it took to get discharged from that damn hospital. The only thing that had kept me from losing it completely had been Sydney's calming presence. When we had finally gotten the hell out of there, David had helped me get into the back of his Audi A6 so that I could sit with Sydney while he drove us to my place. At first, I had been a little annoyed that David had come along, but the more I thought about going home and the horrible memories I had from last weekend; I was glad he was here. If I had a panic attack, I didn't want to go through it without him. His calm focused handling of the few I'd had in front of him was something I was very grateful for, and it made me hopeful he could help me.
I sat unmoving in the car, staring at the closed garage door as David climbed out of the driver's side door. I felt strangely numb and disconnected from the reality of what I had almost done to myself. I felt Sydney's hand tighten around mine, and I looked over at her worried face. She released my hand and squeezed my leg for a moment before climbing out of the car. David opened the door on my side and leaned down to look at me.
"Ready to be home?" he asked with a smile.
"Fuck, yeah," I said with feeling as I swung my legs out of the car door. He reached out a hand to help me, but I waved it away. "I got this," I said with a nod. I needed to do something for myself, no matter how bad it hurt. I grabbed the edges of the door frame, used the breathing trick I had learned from Sydney, and somehow managed to pull myself up out of the car with only a wince and a slight groan of pain. I purposefully avoided looking at the garage door again as I followed David and Sydney to my front door. I stopped when I saw a piece of plywood covering the window in my door. "Did someone break into my fucking house?" I asked in a panicked voice.
"That would be me," David confessed as he turned back to face me, his face apologetic. "I had to break the window to get to you."
"Oh," I whispered, not sure what else to say.
"Andy told me that your uncle was having someone fix it on Friday," Sydney reassured me with a smile as she unlocked the door and swung it open. I nodded and followed her through the doorway with David bringing up the rear. The stairs weren't too difficult, and I managed it all by myself. I made my way down the hall and jerked to a stop when we entered my living room.
"Where the fuck is all my stuff?!" I asked in shock. I looked around the room in confusion. My TV was gone, along with a bunch of my CDs and DVDs. A bunch of pictures were missing from my walls, and a lamp was missing from one of my end tables. Sydney and David shared a long serious look with each other, before Sydney approached me and took my hands.
"You don't remember, do you?" she asked as she looked at me with sad eyes.
"Remember what?" I asked in complete confusion as I looked over at David. He looked back at me with compassion in his eyes.
"You...destroyed all that stuff that night," Sydney told me quietly. I looked back down at her.
"I what?" I asked her, still confused. She suddenly looked so sad and lost. I was afraid she might cry again.
"Andy and I came here yesterday and found the place was a wreck," she explained. "We cleaned it all up for you."
My stomach twisted as realization hit me. "I need to sit down," I mumbled and moved toward the couch with Sydney following me. I sat and leaned forward with my face in my hands. What the fuck had I done? I'd tried to destroy everything; myself included. Who does that? What kind of fucked-up person was I? How much had I drunk? I didn't even remember destroying any of my stuff. I thought I might throw up. Sydney sat next to me and started rubbing gentle circles on my back. I sighed, needing her hands on me to anchor me, to calm me.
"I'm going to go get Sydney's bag out of the car," I heard David say quietly, then he left of the room. I sat there reeling as Sydney comforted me, unable to move.
"Did I fuck anything up upstairs?" I finally asked, wondering what else I did.
"Your computer and one of the guitars," she answered me. "Everything else up there is okay." I jolted upright when she mentioned my guitars, dread filling me.
"Which one?" I asked as I clasped her hand in desperation.
"The white one," she reassured me. "Your brother's guitar is fine."
I sighed with relief and leaned back into the couch, closing my eyes. I would have been devastated if I had done something to that guitar. It was all I had left of Jordan. That thought started my mind down a path I didn't want to follow right now.
"Why did I do this?" I mumbled under my breath. "Why?" I felt tears prick my eyes. I swear to God that I'd cried more in the last few weeks, then I had the rest of my entire life. I was a fucking pussy. I felt Sydney let go of my hand, and I was instantly bereft. I opened my eyes. Her face was anguished as she stared down at her lap. I reached over and found her hand again, gripping it tightly and pulled her toward me, wrapping her in my arms. "Stop it," I told her. "I told you this wasn't on you." I'd tell her that a hundred times more, if that's what it took to convince her. I laid my cheek on her head, her silky hair soft against my skin. I breathed her in and she smelled so good. I almost lost all of this because I was a drunken dumb-ass. Never again.
There was a sudden commotion coming from down the hallway. I heard several thumps and a mumbled curse in a familiar voice that made me smile. Then David was backing into the living room carrying one end of a tall narrow box with Andy carrying the other end. They carried it into the room and set it down. It was a new television, bigger than the one I had destroyed.
"Surprise," Andy announced as he turned toward me with outstretched arms, a huge grin plastered on his face.
"It's a little big," I said with a smile.
"Bigger is better," he said with a smirk. "Right Sydney?"
"Definitely," she said, and sat up as she shot a sly look my way and squeezed my hand. Fuck, those two yahoos needed to leave, like right fucking now. I missed her body against mine, missed being inside her. My shitty mood in the hospital had as much to do with that as feeling trapped there. It was a long three days.
"You didn't have to do this, brother," I told him, feeling overwhelmed by his generosity.
"I know," he replied, his face turning serious. "I wanted to."
"Thanks, brother," I said sincerely. He nodded and turned his attention back to the box.
"Alright, Dave," Andy said. "Let's get this thing set up."
The two of them started taking the TV out of the box while Andy started babbling about whatever game he was playing right now. David joined right in, the two of them getting really enthusiastic about it.
"Do you know what they're talking about?" Sydney asked as she leaned toward me.
"I don't have a fucking clue," I said with a shake of my head. "They are kind of cute together though."
"They should go out sometime," she added. "I think they have something special going on."
I snorted out a laugh and put my arm around her shoulders, glad she was in a better mood.
It didn't take long before Andy was turning on the TV and messing with the settings until he got them the way he wanted them. I didn't really give a shit, so I let him do what he wanted.
"Here you go," Andy said as he handed me the remote. "She's all yours."
"How much do I owe you for it?" I was afraid of how much he had spent.
"It's a gift, dude," he said with a warm smile. "You don't owe me anything."
"I can't
let..." I started.
"Zip it," he interrupted me with a glare. "You're going to let me do this and keep your damn mouth shut about it. Alright?"
"Fine," I answered him with a glare that I really didn't mean.
"Well, I've got to get back to work," he announced as he nodded at me in understanding. He reached out to me, and we gripped hands for a moment. Then he turned to Sydney. "See ya later, Syd," he said as she rose. They shared a brief hug, and I smiled, glad that my girl and my best friend got along so well. He released Sydney and headed out of the room. "Later, Dave," Andy said as he tapped David's shoulder on the way out.
"Bye, Andrew," David called as Andy disappeared down the hall. "I think I'll head out too." He hugged Sydney and then looked at me. "I can come over tomorrow afternoon, if you want. We can talk," he offered. I knew he was talking about trying to help me with my PTSD. The thought filled me with dread, but I knew I had to do it.
"Alright," I agreed reluctantly. He nodded and walked out. Sydney rose and followed after him to see him to the door. I leaned my head back on the couch and closed my eyes, relishing the silence. I couldn't wait to sleep for a whole night without someone coming in to constantly check on me. I felt myself starting to drift off to sleep.
"I believe I owe someone a blow job," Sydney's voice spoke, startling me. I lifted my head to see her standing in front of me, a sexy smile on her lips and her hips cocked to the side. I watched in helpless fascination as she licked her lips seductively. Holy fuck, she looked so hot standing there like that. I suddenly didn't care if I slept at all tonight.
**********
I stared at her lips as she knelt in front of me, my heart hammering in my chest as I thought about those perfect lips wrapped around my cock. Sydney stared right back at me as she slid her hands slowly up my denim covered thighs, brushing her fingertips across my straining erection before reaching the button of my jeans. My breathing became labored, and I shifted my hips up toward her unconsciously.
"Sydney," I whispered breathlessly. She unfastened the button and lowered the zipper so agonizingly slow that I whined with impatience. She bit her lower lip and I fisted my hands on the edge of the couch cushion. "Fuck," I moaned with need.
"You look so gorgeous when you want me," she told me, her eyes hazy with lust.
"I always want you," I whispered desperately as I lifted my hands up to cradle her face between them. I leaned forward and pulled her lower lip between my teeth, sucking on it gently then biting down until she writhed against me. I kissed her endlessly, savoring her, knowing that no one was going to interrupt for once. I missed this so much and I needed her so badly. She tasted and felt so good that I never wanted to stop.
"I need you in my mouth," she whimpered against my lips.
"Yes." I growled as I pushed her down firmly toward my cock.
She kept her eyes locked on mine as she pulled my fly open and pulled my boxers down to release my turgid erection. I gasped as she wrapped her warm fingers around the shaft, and pumped her hand up and down. I watched her lean in and circle her tongue around the tip slowly. I let out the breath I didn't even know I had been holding in a shuddering exhale, my body trembling uncontrollably.
"Do you want more?" she asked me as she paused.
"Please," I breathed out shakily, thrusting my hips up toward her again. She grabbed the waistband of jeans and boxers, and yanked them down roughly. Then she leaned forward and pulled me into the sweet warmth of her mouth. I groaned and let my head fall limply onto the back of the couch, my eyes rolling back in my head as her tongue swirled around the shaft. She suddenly took all of me into her mouth, my head popping up off the cushion with a gasp. "Fuck, baby. Just like that." I watched my cock disappear into her mouth over and over again as she fucked me with her mouth, her cheeks hollowing as she sucked harder. It was so fucking hot and felt so fucking good.
"I missed your mouth on me, baby," I growled out. "I missed you."
Her answering hum nearly made me come on the spot. I had to grab her head to slow her down. I didn't want to blow my load like this. I needed to be inside her sweet pussy for that. I wanted to fill her up with my cum, feel it explode inside her.
"I need to be inside you, right fucking now," I snarled as I grabbed her hair and pulled her off of me. She stood and pulled off her clothes swiftly, baring herself to me. I stared at her perfect breasts, the nipples hard and jutting out toward me. My gaze fell to her sex as she crawled onto my lap, her knees straddling my thighs. I reached down to touch her there, finding her soaked and so swollen for me. I couldn't wait any longer. I gripped my cock and rubbed the tip through her wet folds, my mouth falling open with a gasp.
Sydney dropped down onto me, taking everything I had to give her. It was so warm and tight inside her. She was made for me, for this. We fit perfectly together; we always had. I shuddered against her. "It's so fucking good, so perfect," I moaned as I grabbed her hips and tried to pump her against me, but a flash of pain in my chest stopped me. I growled angrily and almost burst into tears out of sheer frustration.
"Shh," Sydney whispered as she grabbed my hair in her fists. "Don't worry. I've got this." I felt her begin pumping herself up and down the length of me, the pleasure filling me with sweet relief from the pain. I left my hands on her hips, so I could feel the motion of her body against mine.
"Fuck, Sydney," I whispered. "You feel so fucking good."
She grabbed the sides of my face and kissed me then, giving me everything she had, her hips moving faster and faster. I couldn't think anymore past the pleasure as my climax got nearer and nearer, my mind only focused on where our bodies were connected. The walls of her pussy clamped down on me in waves as Sydney's orgasm hit her. She arched her back as a low moan escaped her lips, and I couldn't help myself as I latched on to her left nipple with my teeth. Her moan turned into a wail as her body convulsed through the rest of her release, her pussy clamping down even harder.
My balls clenched suddenly, and I felt pure ecstasy explode outward as I came, my cock pulsing inside her as stream after stream of my cum pumped into her. "Holy fuck," I mumbled as I felt like I was going to pass out for a second. We stayed connected, our foreheads pressed together as both of us calmed down, our breathing slowly returning to normal. She pulled back and met my eyes.
"I love you," she murmured, her eyes filled with affection. "I'm glad you're home."
"Love you too, baby," I replied softly, my love for her filling me up with warmth from the inside out. I pulled her into a fierce embrace, heedless of the pain. "This is home, baby. You and me, always."
**********
I jerked awake in my darkened bedroom, then grunted as pain blossomed across the front of my ribs. I clutched my hands to my chest and rode it out until it faded to a manageable level. My heart was still pounding in my chest though, and I was pretty sure a nightmare had woken me up. I was filled with an unquiet feeling and the distinct impression of dread in my mind. I was happy I didn't remember any details. I glanced over to see Sydney sleeping quietly next to me, curled against my side. I could smell her hair and her coconut body wash, and it comforted me like it always did. I breathed her scent in and out slowly until I was breathing normally again. I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep. I gave up that notion when I realized my brain wasn't going to shut up.
I kept thinking about last Saturday and the things I had done to myself and my home, but mostly about what I had done to Sydney. This guilt was different though. It didn't fill me with panic or anxiety. It just left me feeling a deep sadness and disappointment in myself. It was the disappointment that drove me out of my bed. I managed to get myself upright. Sydney didn't stir at all as I covered her back up with the blankets then slipped on the lounge pants that I had left on the floor. I ran my fingertips down the side of her face with a sigh. I left the room and walked down the steps to the living room.
I was so tired of feeling all these fucked-up emotions and turmoil inside myself. I just wanted it to go
away. I wanted to feel normal again. For some reason, these thoughts made me angry tonight, and put a burr up my ass. I was determined to face my suicide attempt. I didn't want to run away this time. I didn't want to start a whole new slew of things that set off my panic attacks. I didn't want to be afraid of my own house like I feared my mother's house.
I made my way through the living room, and moved quietly down the short hall to the top of the stairs that led to my garage. I stopped and gripped the door frame, trying to psych myself up for this. I wasn't sure how I would react at all, and the out of control feelings I had during a panic attack terrified me. I was afraid the Camaro would end up as another trigger for me, and I loved that car so much that I couldn't let that happen. She was like an extension of myself, and I knew every inch of her. My blood, sweat, and tears were in that fucking car. Hell, I'd lost my virginity in her, and she had gotten me so much ass over the years it was frightening.
I forced myself to move and headed down the steps to the door into my garage. I opened it and stepped in, flipping on the light switch on the nearby wall. I could smell exhaust, and the scent memory stunned me for a moment. I had a flash in my head of sitting in my car waiting to die, feeling nauseous and my head pounding before slipping away into blackness. I shook it off and walked slowly into the garage.
My Camaro was just sitting there like any other day, like what I had done had never happened. I felt a shiver run up my spine as I thought about David pulling my lifeless body out of the car. I shuffled across the concrete floor until I was standing in front of her. I reached out and touched the hood for a moment, then continued around to the driver's side, trailing my hand across the cool metal, feeling the smoothness of the green paint under my fingertips.
I stopped and stared into the interior for several long moments, then forced myself to open the door and sit down in the black leather seat, my mind in turmoil. A maelstrom of guilt, shame, and anger swirled inside my head as I wrapped my fingers around the steering wheel in a death grip. I clamped my eyes closed, pulling my hands off the wheel and clenching them into fists against my forehead. I could feel the rage building up, the tension vibrating through me. I didn't fight it. I just let it go, and it exploded out of me.
Let Me Heal You: Beautifully Broken Book 3 Page 3
