"What's wrong, Jensen?" she asked as she stopped next to the bed and saw my tears. Her face was twisted up with worry.
"I...I used you last night," I whispered in despair. I couldn't let this go without telling her.
"You what?" Sydney asked in confusion.
"I used you for sex," I confessed, feeling broken inside. "I fucked you and didn't even know if you got anything out of it. I don't even know if you got to come. I was selfish, and I didn't take care of you like I'm supposed to."
"Baby," she said in a soothing voice. "You needed that release and I gave it to you willingly. You didn't use me."
"But..."
"Stop." She pressed her index finger to my lips. "You always take care of my needs when we're intimate. I was just returning the favor and taking care of you."
"I don't want you to think you're like those other girls," I pleaded. "The ones I used and tossed aside when I got what I wanted. I don't ever want you to think that's what you are to me."
"I have never once thought that," she said firmly and sincerely. "Not ever. You're the most thoughtful considerate lover I have ever had, and it feels so good whenever we're together, even last night."
"Okay." I was taken aback by her faith in me, in us.
"Now drink your water, so we can go back to sleep." She opened the bottle of water and handed it to me. "I'm fucking tired."
I smirked at her foul language as I sat up. "I never should have started swearing around you. I've totally corrupted you."
"It was bound to happen." She smiled as she watched me drinking my water. "Good thing I like being corrupted by you."
"Well, maybe I could do some more corrupting before we go back to sleep." I set the bottle of water down on the nightstand, and eyed her nude body salaciously. I opened my arms, and she came to me eagerly. I lifted her over myself and laid her on her back next to me. I stared down the length of her body. "You're so beautiful, so perfect," I told her. She smiled radiantly up at me as I leaned down and kissed her. The kiss was long and deep as I tasted her, explored her, with my tongue and lips. I was starting to feel better already.
I kneaded one of her breasts in my hand, loving how it fit perfectly in my palm. I pinched her nipple between my thumb and index finger until she gasped with pleasure into my mouth. I hummed as I kept kissing her, working her up slowly and surely, trying to make up for last night. I moved my mouth down her chin to her neck, licking and nipping her skin as I went. I worked my way down her chest until I engulfed her other nipple in my mouth, flicking it with my tongue in time with my fingers on the other side. Sydney arched her back, pushing her breasts up toward me, begging for more.
I moved my hand from her breast and started sliding it down her belly. I moaned as I reached the short soft curls between her thighs, then growled low in my throat as I found her warm soaking wet pussy with my fingertips. I raised my head from her nipple to watch her face. She stared back at me, her eyes filled with need. I found her clit and began circling the pad of my middle finger over it and I elicited the softest, most feminine sigh from her lips that it made me shiver all over. I stroked and pinched and rubbed on her clit until her body gave up its climax to me. I watched her fall apart from my touch as I smiled with satisfaction.
"Please," she pleaded softly when she could focus on my face.
"Please what, baby?" I asked her in a low gravely tone.
"Please," she whimpered, her eyes luminous. "I need you inside me."
I rolled onto my back, pulling her on top of me. "Ride me, baby. Take what you need from me. Use me," I growled out as I grabbed her hips and ground her against my erection.
She raised herself up and guided my cock to her entrance then lowered herself slowly onto me. She was so tight, and warm, and soaking wet for me. We fit together so perfectly.
She started rocking her hips when I was sheathed completely inside her, her palms flat on my chest for support. I stared up at her, riveted by the look of ecstasy on her beautiful face. Her breasts bounced hypnotically as she moved, and I reached up to palm both. She began moving faster, chasing her release, and when she got close, I reached down between her legs and thumbed her clit, helping her over the edge into bliss. I watched her throw her head back above me, a wail flying up out of her mouth as she came. I'd never get tired of watching her pleasure, never get tired of giving it to her and letting her take it from me. I'd always want her, always need her. Those thoughts pushed me over the edge as my climax coiled up inside my balls then detonated out in an explosion of pure pleasure as I gave everything to her.
"I love you," she mumbled as she slumped down onto my chest, both of us breathing heavily, our hearts pounding in our chests.
"I love you, too," I whispered into her hair and wrapped my arms around her. "So much."
She rolled off of me and curled up against my side, resting her head on my shoulder as our breathing slowed back to normal. She threw her leg over mine and sighed contentedly. Then we both fell back to sleep, before my fucked-up head had a chance to remind me of everything that was wrong with me.
**********
Sydney and I were still sound asleep when my phone started ringing, startling me out a deep blessedly dreamless sleep.
"Fuck," I mumbled as I blindly slapped my hand around on the nightstand until I found my phone and picked it up. I saw David's name on the screen as I answered the call. "Hey," I grumbled sleepily.
"Did I wake you up?" he asked in surprise.
"Yeah," I answered in annoyance.
"I'm sorry," he laughed. "I figured you'd be awake by now."
I looked at my phone for a second and saw that it was almost eleven o'clock. "Holy fuck, I must have been really tired."
"It's good you're rested," David said in a more serious tone. "You're going to need it for today. Listen, would it be alright if I just met you at your mom's house later? I'm at my mom's house, and Diana's not here yet. I wanted to see her before we meet up. Is that alright?"
"Yeah," I replied. "That's fine." Then a sudden jolt hit me as I remembered why we were meeting at my mom's house. My childhood home was a major trigger for me, and we were going to work on changing that today. Icy fingers of fear gripped my mind. I didn't know if I could take much more stress right now after yesterday and my nightmare early this morning. I took in a breath to tell David as much then snapped my mouth shut. I couldn't fucking tell him. I couldn't afford not to do this today. I was running out of time before the parole hearing.
"What time can you meet me there?" David asked, oblivious to my inner turmoil.
"Will one o'clock work?" I offered before I could change my mind and confess everything to him. This was just the way it had to be. I didn't have a choice here.
"That's fine," he answered. "Text me the address, and I'll meet you there."
"Sure. I'll see you then."
We ended the call as I sat up, and I clutched my phone to my chest, feeling a little panicky.
"Do you want some lunch before you go?" Sydney asked sleepily next to me. "I can make you something." I glanced over to see her looking at me sympathetically.
"Yeah," I answered her, even though I wasn't hungry at all. "Thank you, baby." I leaned over to kiss her briefly.
"Why don't you take a shower while I start lunch," she suggested as she sat up, the sheet sliding down to expose her perfect breasts. With a pang of regret, I wished we could lie in bed naked and fuck each other's brains out all day. I was treated to a lovely view of her luscious ass as she climbed out of bed and picked up her phone. "I can't believe we slept this late," she announced as she looked at her phone.
She went to our dresser to pull out some clothes, and I leapt out of bed in a rush. She had opened a drawer and was grabbing a pair of her yoga pants as I came up behind her. I pulled her back against my chest and hugged her tight against me, wanting to feel us skin to skin before she put on any clothes. She giggled as I nuzzled her ear with my nose, then nipped it gently.
"Stop that." She tri
ed to wriggle away from me.
"I don't wanna." I held her tighter. "I like naked hugs."
"Get in the shower, you horn-dog," she scolded me as she managed to break free from my embrace. "I need to make your lunch."
"Fine," I huffed out with a glare. "But you owe me later."
"Whatever." She rolled her eyes with a wry smile on her face. I stood there and watched as she pulled on her panties and yoga pants, then put on a pretty lace bra and one of my T-shirts. It turned me on when she wore my clothes. "Are you going to stand there all day drooling or what?" she asked in exasperation.
"I'm thinking about it." I leered at her.
"I'll be downstairs," she announced with an eye roll. She smacked my bare ass on the way by as she walked across the room, then winked at me as she disappeared through the doorway. I wondered what she'd do if I carried her back up here and told her I was going to fuck her all day long. It sounded like a much better plan then going to my mom's house with David. With that thought my libido went into a tailspin, and fucking died.
I didn't want to go, didn't want to deal with anymore shit right now. I wanted to hide and pretend everything was fine, but I needed to do this for Sydney. I couldn't make her go to that hearing without me. I swore under my breath as I stalked into the bathroom. Maybe a shower would help me calm down, yeah, right.
When I finally made it downstairs, Sydney had lunch on the table for us. The unbelievable smell of cooked bacon filled the house, and the BLTs she had made looked amazing. I was happy I was at least feeling hungry, even if my mind was still a hot mess. All the shower did was give me more time to worry and fret about today.
"I was starting to think you were going to stay in there all day." She smiled at me from across the table.
"I hope I didn't use up all the hot water," I said apologetically. I stood under the hot water for a long time, wallowing in self-pity and other depressing thoughts. That nightmare had been the icing on the cake after my panic attack at Andy's, both instances enlightening dark parts of myself that I wished I had never seen. I was doubting my ability to get better now, and that couldn't be good.
"Eat, baby." She motioned toward the sandwich on my plate. I realized I had been zoning out and staring at a spot on the wall over Sydney's head. I pulled myself back to reality and smiled at her as I picked up the sandwich. We ate in comfortable silence, and I was grateful she didn't want to talk about last night or my nightmare this morning.
I left the condo around twelve-thirty, after Sydney wished me luck and kissed me soundly, her eyes soft and full of affection. I texted Mom's address to David, and let him know I was heading out before driving off in the Camaro. I spent the drive to my mom's house feeling agitated and jittery. I didn't know what was wrong with me today. My frustration with myself began to build, and I was feeling annoyed. I was so distracted by what was going on in my head that I totally missed a turn and had to back track to get on the right road.
I finally arrived a little late, and parked behind David's Audi in the driveway. I could see David and my mother sitting on the front porch steps chatting. I felt anxious already, and I hadn't even gotten out of the car yet. I wished I could have brought Sydney, but I didn't want her telling David what happened yesterday. I took in a breath and let it out in a deep sigh. I was in it now, might as well get it over with. I climbed out of the car and walked up the drive to the sidewalk, and approached Mom and David.
"Hi, honey," Mom said with a huge grin as they stood to greet me.
"Hey, Mom," I said in a soft voice. It was good to see her. Now that she knew what I was going through it was easier to be around her. I didn't carry the guilt of hiding my PTSD from her anymore. I still carried plenty of guilt about the accident, but things were better between us now. I pulled her into a hug without her having to initiate it for the first time in a very long time. I even managed not to tense up as she hugged me back. Her eyes lit up with surprise and delight as we stepped apart.
"Hey, brother," I told David as I turned to look at him.
"Glad to see you're awake," he said as the corners of his eyes crinkled up with a wide grin.
"It's been a long week," I told him as I smiled back tightly. "I guess my body was catching up on sleep."
"Well, I'm going to go do some shopping and leave you boys alone for awhile," Mom announced. I looked down at her as she reached up and cradled my face in her hands. "You do what David says, okay?"
"I will, Mom," I assured her with a small smile. She pulled my face down and kissed my cheek. Then she released me and turned to David.
"You take good care of my baby," she told him in a quiet serious tone. "He's all I've got left." My chest clenched at her words, fingers of guilt snaking up and wrapping around my heart. I was so sick of this guilt shit.
"I promise, Mrs. Hayes," David said with calm assurance. "He's in good hands."
"Please, call me Erika," Mom said as she smiled at David. "I'll be back in a few hours." She walked over to her car that was parked next to the Camaro.
"Bye, Mom," I said with a wave.
"Goodbye, Erika." David nodded to her. She climbed into her red late model Impala and backed the car out of the driveway. With a wave, she drove away. I wished I could have gone with her. I'd rather be shopping with my mother then stay here right now.
"You ready?" David asked, and I turned to meet his blue eyes.
"Sure," I said unenthusiastically while my brain was screaming "no".
"We're just going to walk around the house," he said as he stepped up onto the porch. "I want you to focus on controlling your breathing and relax. I want you to tell me what your feeling, and about anything else your comfortable talking about. Okay?"
I nodded as I followed him reluctantly to the front door. I entered the living room behind him and was assaulted by the familiar scent of my childhood home. I used to feel so safe here, so comfortable, but now I just felt anxious whenever I was here. I went to the middle of the room and just stood there feeling overwhelmed and unbelievably edgy.
"Tell me what's going on?" David prompted from behind me.
"I..." I began unsuccessfully then sighed and tried again. "I'm tense. Overwhelmed. I want to fucking leave." An underlying anger tinged my words.
"Why are you getting angry?" David asked. Damn him for reading me so well.
"I'm just so tired of this fucking shit," I growled out without turning to look at him. I stared at the fireplace mantle where there were several pictures of Jordan and I, and some of Dad too. My heart was already pounding away inside me, my anger and anxiety battling each other for control.
"What do you mean?"
"All this shit!" I snarled as I finally turned to face David's calm face. "I'm fucking tired of being afraid, of freaking out, of being a fucked-up mess." My hands flew up to pull on my hair. "I just want it all to go away and leave me the fuck alone." I started pacing back and forth. I just couldn't stand still. I was just about ready to run outside.
"Jensen, stop," David said firmly. I jerked to a halt when I realized I had taken several long strides toward the front door. I hadn't even realized I was doing it. "What's going on today? Why are you so agitated already?" Here was my chance to confess the shit I'd been through in the last twenty-four hours. To tell him all the messed up thoughts that had been going through my head, about being fucked up before the accident, about that horrible nightmare and my fears about having kids, but I couldn't get the words past my lips. All I could see was Sydney's heartbroken face when she had suggested that I didn't have to go to the hearing with her, even though I saw how much she wanted and needed me there. Fuck.
"I don't fucking know," I finally grumbled out with a huff. I moved toward the couch and sat on the edge with my face in my hands, panting for air. My chest felt tight again and my stomach churned. After a moment, I felt David touch my shoulder. I looked up to see him squatting in front of me with concern in his eyes.
"Slow down your breathing," he told me. "You're trying to fight
the panic down again. That's not going to work. Remember?"
I nodded as I tried to focus on his face. For once, his calm demeanor wasn't helping me and the panic spiked again. I suddenly felt lightheaded, and it looked like David was swaying side to side in front of me.
"Whoa, stay with me Jensen," David grabbed my shoulders to steady me. "Put your head down between you knees." I bent forward obediently. David coached me through at least a dozen deep breaths before I started to get a grip on myself. I was finally able to sit up without the world spinning around me.
"That's the worst fucking carnival ride ever,." I mumbled as I ran a hand down my face.
David snorted out a sudden laugh at my levity. "Hey, at least you didn't pass out or throw up," he added with a smile.
"Yeah." I was feeling irritated with David's positive attitude. Fucking optimist, my cynical mind thought ungratefully.
"Are you alright now?" he asked as he watched me closely, the smile disappearing from his face.
"Can...can we go outside for a little bit?" I asked, not liking the needy tone of my voice.
"Sure." He gripped my shoulder reassuringly. "I think we're done in here anyway. We'll take a quick break and then try your dad's garage next."
I made my face go blank at his words, not wanting him to see the panic threatening to take over again. Somehow I managed to keep it together until I could lead David out the back door and into the yard. He gave me some space, and I walked across the yard alone wondering what I had done to deserve this fucked-up hand I had been dealt for a life. I stopped next the tree Jordan and I used to climb all the time when we were little. I went around to the other side of the tree trunk out of David's sight, and sat down with my back against the rough bark. Tears started pouring out of my eyes against my will, but I was able to fight down the sobs so David wouldn't know I was crying. It hurt so fucking bad just being here, and I longed for Sydney to be here with me, to hold me. She should have been here. I coped so much better with her near me.
Let Me Heal You: Beautifully Broken Book 3 Page 16
