"Sydney," he whispered against my lips so softly that only I could hear him. His arms suddenly came up and wrapped around me, clutching at me like I was the only thing that was keeping him tethered to reality.
"I'm here," I whispered as I pulled away to look into his eyes. "I love you." He stared at me, and I watched him slowly come back to himself, his eyes filling with comprehension.
"I...I don't..." he began in a faltering voice. "D...don't know how...how I got here." He started looking around, and I saw pain blossom in his eyes as he recognized where we were. "Why did...why did I come here?"
"I don't know, baby," I told him in a shaky voice as I wiped a tear from his cheek. "But I can take you home now. Okay?"
He nodded with wild eyes as I rose, taking his hands in mine and helping him to stand. I noticed that David had stepped back to where Andy was standing, giving us some space, but when Jensen swayed on his feet, the two men rushed over to grip Jensen's shoulders to steady him.
"Easy there, Jensen," David said. "We've got you."
Jensen turned to look at David on his left, and it took longer than it should have for recognition to fill his eyes. "David?" he asked as confusion twisted his face. He looked to the right and saw Andy. "Andy?"
"Let's get you out of here, brother," Andy told him with a relieved smile. I led the way as Andy and David walked Jensen back to the road. When we made it over to David's car, I climbed wordlessly into the back seat and pulled Jensen by the hands in with me. I sat on the far end of the seat, and pulled him down until his head was in my lap. He sighed deeply and relaxed as David closed the door. Jensen's hand came to rest on my leg, gripping me tightly. I watched Andy climb into the Camaro in front the Audi as David sat down in the driver's seat. I met David's eyes in the rear-view mirror, both of us sharing a look of utter relief. I nodded to him, and he returned the gesture as he started the car. I stroked my fingers comfortingly through Jensen's hair as we pulled back onto the road. Tears of relief began falling from my eyes as we followed Andy down the road, and I felt like I could breathe again, like I was whole again.
Halfway through the silent drive home, Jensen's hand finally relaxed its grip on my leg, and his breathing grew slow and measured as he fell asleep. I couldn't imagine how exhausting today had been for him. We stopped at a light, and I felt eyes on me. I glanced up to see David looking at me in the rear-view mirror. His face was a mask of pain and regret as he watched me cry silently.
"I'm sorry," David said softly as his eyes glittered with emotion, his lips pressed together in a tight line.
"David, please stop beating yourself up," I said in an admonishing tone. "I can't deal with anyone else doing that right now," I added wearily as I looked meaningfully down at Jensen. He nodded stiffly as his eyes returned to the road. I was sure we'd talk about it later, but for now I was just relieved he let it go. I couldn't deal with it right now. I spent the rest of the ride home staring blankly out the window with my hand resting on Jensen's back, his solid warm presence a balm to my tired overwrought mind.
**********
David and Andy helped me get Jensen up to our bedroom when we got to the condo, then they left the room, so I could strip Jensen down to his boxers and tuck him into bed. He looked tired and haunted, his distraught expression making my heart ache for him. I had just pulled the comforter up over him when he spoke.
"I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly as one of his hands reached for me. "I fucked up again." He looked up at me with pain-filled eyes, pleading for my forgiveness.
"I know you that thought you were helping me," I told him as I took his outstretched hand in mine. "But when are you going to stop hiding things, and lying and hurting yourself. Why do you keep doing this? When are you going to take care of yourself?" My voice shattered into quiet sobs. "I love you...and I...I can't live without you. Part of me dies every time I think I might have lost you again."
"Sydney," he said raggedly as he sat up and pulled me into his lap.
"I want you to get better for yourself, not for me or your family or your friends," I forced out between sobs. "That's the only way that you can."
"I'm afraid I'll never get better," he whispered as he wrapped me up in his arms. "I'm afraid that I'll always let you down."
"You didn't let me down," I insisted as I sat up and met his eyes. "You let yourself down. It's like this self-fulfilling prophecy that you keep inflicting on yourself."
He hung his head, pulling his eyes away from mine.
"I'm not telling you this to make you feel ashamed," I said as I touched his cheek, and he met my eyes again. "I want you to see what you're doing to yourself. That's what's going to keep you from getting better. You have to stop, and I have to stop coddling you. I've been tiptoeing around your problems because I'm afraid of hurting you. Neither of us can afford to keep going on like this anymore. Not if we want a future together."
"I want a future with you, Sydney," he said sincerely, his eyes glassy with emotion. "I've never wanted anything more in my life."
"Then tell me what really caused that panic attack last night," I demanded quietly. "And tell me about that nightmare too, because I think there's more to it than what you told me."
He leaned his head down so I couldn't see his face. I was afraid he was clamming up on me again, or worse, shutting down.
"I was jealous," he finally said as he lifted his head to look at me again with tears in his eyes. "I was jealous of Andy and Lydia, of what they have. I wanted someone to want me and to love me, so instead of being happy for my best friend; I acted like I didn't care. I told him horrible negative things when he told me he wanted to move in with her. I realized last night that I was already fucked up before the accident, even before Delaney fucked me over. I spent all those years before her using girls for sex and then after she broke my heart, I used girls for love that I didn't even feel in return. What kind of fucked-up person does that? H...how can I get better if I've been broken my entire life?"
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and wanted, Jensen," I said. "Even if the way you went about trying to find it wasn't the best way to get it. It doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're human." I cupped his face in my hands, staring deeply into his beautiful sad eyes. "You don't have to be jealous anymore or look for it anymore. You have love now. I love you. I want you."
"Fuck, Sydney," he whispered. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"
I lifted my head, silently asking for a kiss, which he obliged with a soft tender brush of his lips on mine. I sighed deeply, feeling so relieved that he was here, and he was okay.
"Now, tell me about that nightmare," I told him firmly. "What weren't you telling me?"
"I...I..." he stammered out with an anguished expression. "I can't."
"I'm not giving you a choice here," I said vehemently. "No more secrets. No more lies. I'm not letting you get away with it anymore. I'm done with that."
"Sydney," he pleaded helplessly.
"I know it hurts." I rubbed his cheek. "But you can tell me anything, and I'll still love you, still want you, no matter what. I promise."
His panting breaths made me afraid he'd have a panic attack, but I stuffed down the fear, knowing that wasn't going to help him. He needed some tough love right now, and I had to give it to him, whether I liked it or not. I watched him stare ahead unseeing for several long moments. I was just about to say his name when he finally began to speak in a hushed tone.
"I was...I was driving the Camaro with you on this really curvy road. You...you were so scared, and I wouldn't listen to you and slow down. I just fucking laughed at you," he trailed off, refusing to meet my eyes.
"It was just a dream." I tried to comfort him. "You wouldn't really do that."
"I lost control of the car, and you were screaming," he continued as if I had said nothing. "There...there was a baby crying." I literally stopped breathing for a moment, afraid of what he was going to say next. "The car went off the road and...and you...you were dead. I looked in th
e back seat and there...there was an empty car seat filling up with blood." He sobbed violently, his body convulsing in pain. "I killed you...and I...I killed our baby."
"Oh my God," I blurted out. "Jensen, that's horrible. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want you to realize what a fucked-up father I'd be," he sobbed, his voice harsh with pain. "I don't want you to leave me."
"Baby, one nightmare doesn't mean you'll be a bad father." I pressed my forehead against his. "And I'm not going to leave you."
"But I'm so messed up in the head, baby." He stared at me through a curtain of tears. "What if I never get better, and I fuck up our kids?"
"Are you in some kind of hurry to have kids?" I asked him.
"Fuck, no!" he responded immediately. I couldn't help the small smile that played across my lips at his fervent reaction.
"Then you have plenty of time to get better," I assured him. "And you will get better, and you'll be a great dad someday. I know it."
"How can you be so sure?" he asked me with a doubtful expression.
"Because I believe in you, and I believe in us," I insisted. "And I'm going to help you. We can get through anything together. We're stronger together."
"I wish I felt as confident as you," he whispered as he looked down.
"That's why we're better off together," I explained. "When one of us falters, the other can pick up the slack."
"I feel like I'm making you do that all the time for me. When are you going to get tired of picking up my slack? When are you going to get sick of carrying my bullshit?"
"I love you, Jensen," I said with certainty. "I'll pick up the slack for as long as it takes for you to get better. How many times do I have to tell you that you're not a burden to me? I want to be with you, and I want to help you."
"I love you too, Sydney." He hugged me so hard that I grunted as he squeezed the breath right out of me. "I'll never let you go."
"Could you loosen your grip, though?" I asked. "I kind of like breathing."
"Sorry, baby." He smiled as he eased his hold on me. "I love you so much that I get carried away." I looked at his smiling face, seeing the fatigue in his eyes and the dark circles under them. He'd been through so much today.
"You should sleep for a while, baby," I suggested. "You look so tired."
"Okay." He nodded wearily. "Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?"
"I will."
He eased himself back under the blankets onto his back, and closed his eyes with a deep sigh. I laid down next to him on my side, gently running my fingertips through his short dark hair. It didn't take long for his body to relax, and for him to fall into the slow easy breathing of sleep. I waited a few minutes to make sure he stayed asleep before I crawled off of the bed. I stood next to him, staring at his peaceful face for a moment before I leaned down and kissed his forehead softly. Then I quietly left the room, taking one last look at him from the doorway before heading downstairs.
**********
When I walked downstairs, David was sitting on the couch talking on the phone. Andy was standing in the middle of the room with a lost expression on his face. He rushed over to me as I entered the room.
"Is he okay?" he asked me, his voice a little frantic.
"Yeah." I nodded. "He's asleep right now." I looked over at David to see him cradling his head in one hand, while he spoke quietly into his phone with a pained look on his face. I glanced questioningly at Andy.
"He's talking to Jensen's mother," he explained. "He's really torn up about what happened."
"I told him it wasn't his fault," I said in exasperation.
"So did I," Andy responded with a shake of his head. "He takes his job very seriously doesn't he?"
"You have no idea," I answered as David ended the call. He started running a hand through his beard. He looked over and met my eyes, his face unreadable and his body tense.
"Um," Andy said uncomfortably. "I'm going to head home. Lydia is waiting on me."
"Alright," I said as I walked with Andy down the hall. I followed him down to the front door where he paused to give me a hug. "Thanks, Andy," I said as he let go of me. "You're a good friend, and he's lucky to have one like you."
"He's lucky to have you, too," he replied with an easy smile. "He needed someone like you for so long. I'm so happy I made him go out that night, so he could find you." I returned his smile, and realized I needed to tell him the truth about that night. He needed to know.
"I need to tell you something Jensen told me about that night."
"What's that?" he asked curiously.
"That night, before you dragged him out of his house, was the first time he thought about killing himself." I watched his entire body still. "I think you saved his life that night." He stared at me for a long speechless moment.
"I...I had no idea," he finally stammered out.
"I don't think he would have ever told you," I continued. "I thought you should know."
"Thank you for telling me, Sydney," he said and embraced me again. "You're a good friend, and I'm lucky to have one like you." A wide grin spreading across his face as he stepped back and put a hand on my shoulder, "I'll come by tomorrow to check on you guys."
"I'd like that," I answered him with a smile as I placed my hand over his for a moment.
"Later, Syd," he said with a wink.
"Bye." I watched him walk over to his car, climb in, and wave at me as he backed out of the driveway. After he had driven away, I turned and went back upstairs to David. He looked like he needed to talk. I walked back into the living room to find him in the exact same position he was in when I left.
"Hey," I said as I walked over the couch and sat next to him. I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Are you done beating up on yourself yet?" I said casually, trying to lighten his mood.
"Not even close." He lowered his hand from his face, and looked over at me.
"You're not perfect you know," I told him with a half smile. "I don't know why you keep trying to convince yourself that you are." He snorted out a bitter laugh.
"I know I'm not perfect, Syd," he said. "Far from it actually, but he could have died today. He could have killed somebody, and that would have destroyed him. I can't not feel responsible."
"Jensen lied to you and hid things from you. You're not responsible for that."
"Sweetheart, I get lied to at work almost everyday," he replied. "If you work with enough addicts and mentally ill people, you start to be able to tell when they're lying. The signs were there. I just didn't catch it this time, and I don't know why." We were silent for several minutes as I considered his words.
"I think I know why," I finally answered.
"Please, enlighten me," he said. "Because not knowing is driving me out of my damn mind."
"It's because he's your friend, and not really one of your patients," I explained. "It's hard to be objective when you're emotionally involved."
"Well, that makes perfect sense," he said with a smile. "When did you become a genius?"
"I've always been a genius," I said wryly. "But no one ever listened to me before now."
"Remind me to listen to you more often."
"Oh, believe me, I will," I added. "I'll never let you forget now."
"Thanks, Syd." He visibly relaxed. I knew this situation was going to bother him for a while longer, but at least I could lessen it a little for him. I nodded in acknowledgment of his gratitude.
"What did Jensen's mom say?" I asked. "Did she blame you?"
"No," he answered with a heavy sigh. "Which of course made me feel worse."
"How many more people have to tell you it wasn't your fault before you believe that?"
David shrugged. "A couple hundred?"
I rolled my eyes dramatically. "You are pathetic."
"I know." He leaned over and shoved my shoulder playfully with his.
"Do you want to order a pizza and watch a movie?" I suggested. "I don't feel like sitting around alone waiting for h
im to wake up."
"I could stay tonight," he offered. "I can sleep on the couch, just in case he needs me for anything." I nodded, knowing he wanted to stay to assuage some of his guilt, and I'd let him.
"We could have a slumber party." I gave him a playful grin. "Paint our nails, talk about boys."
"Why don't we stick with the pizza and movie." He laughed, then pulled out his phone. "What do you want on your pizza? It's my treat."
We spent the next few hours laughing at the stupid comedy we decided to watch, and gorging on pepperoni pizza. It was just the distraction I needed from all my worries about Jensen, and the stress from today. We put in a second movie, but halfway through I fell asleep leaned up against his shoulder. He woke me up gently when the movie had ended, and suggested it was time to call it a night. I got him a pillow and a blanket from the hall closet, and told him goodnight. He pulled me into a fierce hug, and thanked me for letting him stay so he didn't have to go home alone and obsess over his guilt. I hugged him back just as fiercely, feeling grateful for a friend I could count on, then made my way upstairs.
Jensen was still sound asleep exactly where I had left him. His body relaxed and peaceful. I hoped he didn't have a nightmare again tonight. He needed a full night of sleep so badly. I closed the door and undressed completely, needing as much of my bare skin against his as possible. I climbed into bed next to him and snuggled up against his side. He pulled me close without even waking up, mumbling my name as his arm wrapped around me. I rested my palm over Jensen's heart, feeling its slow steady beat.
My tears splashed onto his shoulder as I silently shed tears of joy and relief that I could still hold him. That I could still feel his warm body against mine, and that he was still alive and safe. I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to help him get better, no matter how hard or impossible it seemed. He was worth any hardship or pain. We belonged together. I knew that in my soul. Fate had brought us together, and I wasn't going to let anything get in our way.
Chapter Ten
Jensen
Let Me Heal You: Beautifully Broken Book 3 Page 18
