"I haven't gone to a dark place like that in a long time," she said as she ran her fingers through my hair the way I liked. "I forgot how much it sucks. Lauren reminded me that shutting people out will backfire every time, and it only hurts the people I love."
"I wish someone had told me that a long time ago," I said with a bitter edge to my voice. "Today I felt exactly what I had been doing to you all this time. I feel like shit about everything I've put you through. You are a fucking saint of a woman for putting up with me."
"You didn't do it on purpose," she reassured me. "You were hurting."
"It still doesn't make it right."
"And I'm not putting up with you. I love you," she said sternly.
"I love you too, baby." I leaned close and kissed her softly. We caressed each other in silence for a while, just enjoying the physical contact.
"Today is going to be horrible," she eventually whispered.
"I know."
"I don't want to see that man again," she whimpered softly, her voice filled with pain. "The trial was awful, sitting in that room with that man, and knowing what he had done to Mom and Dad. The defense lawyers badgered me and questioned everything I said on the stand. It was like being traumatized all over again." She started crying, and I felt helpless as I tucked her head under my chin and let her cling to me.
"It'll be different this time, Sydney," I told her. "I promise."
"How can you be so sure?" she asked as she lifted her head to look at me. I wiped the tears from her cheeks with gentle fingers.
"Because I'll be there this time," I said with vehemence, shocking myself with how sure I felt about this. "Together we can do anything. Remember?"
"I remember," she said in a calmer voice. "Thank you for doing this. I don't think I'd even be able to consider going to this thing without you."
"We'll get you through this, and then we'll have our whole future together, Sydney," I promised her. "You're the only woman I've ever loved, and I'll fight to my dying breath for you, for us." She started crying again, but I was pretty sure they were for a very different reason this time, as she peppered my face with kisses and covered me in her tears. When she was done smothering me and trying to drown me, I threw the covers off of us.
"What are you doing?" she asked in confusion.
"This is fucking stupid, just lying here and not sleeping," I said. "It's almost five, let's get up, and I'll buy you breakfast before we have to leave town." I climbed out of bed and scooped her up in my arms. I carried her into the bathroom with me and set her down so I could turn on the shower, then I pulled her in with me. I washed her hair and her body for her, and nothing about it was sexual. I think that was the last thing on our minds. I needed to assuage some of the helplessness I was feeling about today, and I sensed that she needed to be cared for just as much as I needed to take care of her right now. I let her return the favor, and I think it helped her calm down and forget for a while as she focused on taking care of me. For the first time, it didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all.
By six, we were both dressed and ready to go. I wore my dress pants and white shirt, deciding the jacket and tie were too much to deal with today. Sydney was wearing a simple light gray silk sleeveless blouse and black slacks with low sandals. I followed her downstairs and watched her gather up her purse, so we could leave. She turned and looked at me with fear in her eyes as she clutched her bag to her chest.
"Sydney." I crossed the room in several long strides and gathered her in my arms. She latched her arms around my waist and pressed her face into my chest. I held her for several long moments, realizing I was kind of freaking out too, and I needed to be held me as much as she did.
"I want pancakes," she said out of nowhere. Her voice was small and fragile.
"Okay," I replied with a quiet laugh. "You can have anything you want, but you're going to have to let go of me to get them."
"I'm ready," she said with a small smile as she let go of me.
We left, and I took her to breakfast. I was relieved when she ate almost everything on her plate. We didn't say much as I watched her eat. I think it was partially from being tired, but there was really nothing left to say about today. We just needed to get through it, and get it over with. I wouldn't be happy until I got her back home, and this was all behind us.
"How were your pancakes, baby?" I asked her as I walked her out to the truck after leaving the restaurant, my arm around her shoulders.
"They were wonderful," she said with a genuine smile.
"Good. You needed to eat," I answered as I opened the passenger door and helped her up into her seat.
"I'm just glad I was hungry," she said with relief. I shut the door and walked around to the driver's side. I climbed in and sat down, staring at the wheel and realizing this was it. I had to take her to a fucking prison to see the man who killed her parents, then watch her relive that nightmare all over again. My breakfast suddenly felt like it wanted to come back up.
"This is so fucked up," I mumbled under my breath and wondered, not for the first time, why that piece of shit was even still alive.
"Definitely," she agreed as she stared straight ahead, her voice sounding resigned.
I took a deep breath and let it out in a huff, then started the truck. It was a good hour's drive north to get to the prison and as much as neither of us wanted to go, we definitely didn't want to be late either. I pulled out of the parking lot into traffic, then reached over to take Sydney's hand in mine, hoping she came out of this with her sanity still intact. I knew how much I depended on her to help me hold my shit together, and if she lost it, I didn't know what would become of us.
**********
Sydney was in a bad way when I parked in the prison visitor's lot. She stared out the windshield at the massive building with large frightened eyes, panting for air.
"Oh God, oh God," she blurted out as she started hyperventilating. Her eyes met mine, and I recognized the panicked look in them. I'd seen that same look in the damn mirror many times myself. Seeing her like this was disturbing beyond anything I could have imagined. I felt myself tensing up as my breathing started to feel rushed and out of control.
"Sydney," I gasped out. "We have to breathe. Okay?"
She nodded frantically.
"We have to slow it down." I closed my eyes and managed to take in a breath, then let it out slow and easy. I looked at Sydney and grabbed her hand, holding it tight. We took several slow deep breaths together. I managed to get myself back under some control, but Sydney was struggling. The wild look in her eyes was still there, and her breathing was still way too fast as she dug her nails into my hand in desperation.
"Jensen," she pleaded. "Help me."
"Look at me, baby," I said in a stern voice as I grabbed the sides of her head in my hands, and forced her to look at me. "Breathe with me, in and out, nice and slow."
She nodded and started breathing with me again. I coached her through it over and over again, until I could tell she was calming down. Her eyes became focused again, but her grip on my hand didn't loosen.
"I'm so scared," she whispered, her eyes welling with tears.
"I know," I said softly. "But I'm here. I've got you, and I'll keep you safe."
"Okay." She nodded jerkily, but her breathing was almost normal again.
"Good," I said gently. "We've got to go in now. Alright?"
"Let's go," she said, sounding a little stronger.
I got out of the truck, and then helped her out. I led her to the entrance where we had to suffer through a long drawn-out security check with metal and drug scanners. They checked Sydney's purse, and we had to leave our phones in the security office. I knew it was all necessary, but it was adding more stress to Sydney, and I couldn't keep the scowl off my face as I watched her getting tense again.
Finally, one of the security people led us further into the building and took us to a large room with a long table on the far end and a smaller table facing it. Rows of chai
rs filled the rest of the room, all facing the long table. The room was beige and sterile looking, and the bland matching carpet looked cheap.
On the right side of the room, Lauren and Adam were already here, their postures straight and tense in the chairs they were sitting on. Lauren turned to see her sister, leapt to her feet, and rushed over to us. The sisters fell into each other's arms, talking quietly to each other. I looked over their heads, and met Adam's dark-blue eyes. I imagined I looked just as lost as he did right now. I nodded at him in acknowledgment of our shared helplessness. He nodded back in understanding. When the girls let go of each other, we silently moved to sit down and wait. Sydney grabbed my hand and held on for dear life. I let her.
A few minutes later, the door at the back of the room opened again, and another group of people were ushered in to sit on the other side of the room. I wondered if that was Jackson Rollins' family, but I didn't ask Sydney or Lauren. I'm sure neither of them wanted to talk about that. Then a door at the front of the room opened, and another group of serious faced men and women walked over to the long table and sat in the chairs behind it, facing us. I assumed this was the parole board. The people who would decide if the man that killed Sydney's parents would go free. I hoped to God that they didn't let that fucker out of prison today. I was terrified of what that would do to her.
Then a side door opened, and a man in a prison jump suit was led into the room by two men, one a prison guard, the other in a suit. Sydney's entire body tensed up next to me, her hand squeezing mine painfully. He was my height, but lanky. His dirty-blond hair was slicked back from his face, and his pale blue eyes were hard and emotionless. His face was all hard lines and angular features, and he looked like he was probably in his fifties. I made eye contact with him as the guard led him to one of the smaller tables facing the parole board. I felt my face harden as I looked at him, rage building inside me.
His face remained impassive until his eyes slid over to Sydney. One side of his mouth twisted upward into a subtle smirk as he recognized her. Sydney stiffened next to me as she met his eyes. I leaned forward, blocking her from his view and caught his eyes with mine. I stared him down, letting every bit of my rage and disgust spread across my features. I watched in satisfaction as his smirk faded away, and he broke our eye contact first. He sat down and stared toward the parole board at the front of the room. He didn't look back at me again. Sydney turned toward me and buried her face against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her protectively.
I entertained myself with images of my fist slamming into that asshole's smug face until one of the parole board members began to speak. The unassuming middle-aged man started babbling about procedural safeguards, and then asked this Rollins asshole if his rights had been followed in this process. It was all a bunch of bullshit that just kept making this nightmare drag on for Sydney and Lauren. It made me angry all over again.
The board began asking the man in the suit who had entered with Rollins, questions about his behavior in prison. It sounded like he was behaving like a model prisoner, and I hoped like hell that wasn't a bad sign. After the board was satisfied with those questions, they started asking Rollins questions about himself. The dirt-bag's voice was harsh and nasally, his words slow and measured, like he had rehearsed everything that he was saying. At least until they started asking about the night that he killed Sydney's parents. When he started going into detail about the atrocities that he had done to them, I could have sworn that he seemed to enjoy describing it in lurid detail. It was absolutely disgusting, and Sydney began weeping silently as she pressed closer to me. I tightened my arms around her. I had no idea how bad the things this man had done were, and now I wished I didn't.
Then the board announced that they were ready for the victim's statement, and all eyes turned toward Sydney. She sat up as she wiped the tears from her face and looked at me, her eyes wild and unsure.
"Just keep looking at me," I whispered. "Just talk to me. Don't look at that asshole, just me." She nodded as she finally stood, and a security guard escorted her to a chair near the parole board that faced the room. Her eyes glanced around the room for a moment, then she looked directly at me. I nodded in encouragement. She nodded back at me and began to speak.
"My...my name is Sydney Harper," she began shakily. "I was fifteen the night Jackson Rollins murdered my parents. I sneaked out of the house to go to a party that my parents wouldn't let me go to. I had never defied them like that before, but I was so angry at them for forbidding me to go. I stayed out until almost three in the morning, partying, acting stupid. I thought it was the greatest night of my life at the time. I was only gone for three hours, but it was long enough. The police said my dad interrupted a robbery." Her voice became monotone and emotionless.
"When I got home, the back door was partially open, and I knew something was horribly wrong. I...I walked into the house, and all the lights were off. I went into the kitchen and...and turned on the lights." She paused for a few deep breaths to calm herself. "I found them tied up to the kitchen chairs. They were covered in so much blood that I wasn't sure it was them at first." She closed her eyes for a second, as her face crumpled in pain, then opened them to look at me again with determination. "They were both beaten and tortured to death for a TV, a computer, and some cheap costume jewelry. It was the worst day of my life, and it changed everything for me."
"I ended up with PTSD, and spiraled into heavy drinking and reckless behavior. My sister tried to help me, but she was still just a twenty-year-old kid herself and trying to go to college. Without Mom and Dad, we didn't have our support system anymore. I was out of control until I was nineteen, and couldn't take the pain anymore. So I tried to kill myself, but thanks to years of therapy and the support of my sister and my friends, I got better. My life was forever scarred by that night. I've never been the same."
"I won't have a father to walk me down the aisle when I get married someday." She broke into sobs for a moment before continuing. I could feel my own tears pricking my eyes. "My kids won't have the grandparents they should have had." She closed her eyes again and took a ragged breath. "This man stole my family from my sister and me, stole the future we should have had, and he doesn't deserve to be free, not now, and not ever." She glanced at the parole board. "Thank you."
Sydney rose unsteadily to her feet and was escorted back to me. I rose to meet her, feeling my body vibrating with rage and sorrow as I took her in my arms and sat with her again. I felt eyes on me, and looked over to see Rollins staring at us with narrowed worried eyes. Not so smug now, are you asshole. I glared at him. The fucking coward looked away first yet again.
The board announced that it was time for them to deliberate, and the rest of us were escorted out of the room. The four of us ended up in a small room by ourselves. There were several chairs and a low couch, and a table with coffee and water. I led Sydney straight to the couch, and pulled her into my lap to cradle her against my chest, not giving a shit about the odd look the security guard gave me before he left the room. Lauren sat next to me, and Adam sat on the other side of her. Sydney reached out to her sister and grabbed her hand. Then Adam put an arm around Lauren, and the four of us sat for a long time in silence that was only interrupted by Sydney's sniffles as she cried quietly.
"This is some fucked-up shit," I mumbled under my breath.
"You're not fucking kidding," Adam agreed wholeheartedly. I glanced over at the shell-shocked expression on his face as he looked back at me. I didn't know him well, but I was pretty sure he didn't usually swear. That just went to show how disturbed he was by all of this. Hell, we all were. "How long do you think this will take?" he asked me.
"It's already taken too long, if you ask me," I growled out in annoyance.
"Yeah," he nodded in agreement.
We lapsed into silence again until Sydney sat up in my arms.
"I need to go to the bathroom," she said quietly.
"It's over there, baby." I stood and set her on her feet, no
dding to the small bathroom across the room. I started walking her over there, but she waved me away with a small smile.
"I'm okay," she assured me, so I sat back down as she closed the door, feeling bereft without her in my arms.
"I owe you an apology," Lauren suddenly announced as she turned to face me.
"For what?" I asked as I stared at her in shock.
"I didn't know...I didn't realize..." She seemed at a loss for words, her eyes filled with regret.
"Didn't know what?"
"How much you meant to each other," Lauren explained. "How much you loved each other."
"She's my whole life," I said sincerely. "I can't live without her."
"I know, and I'm sorry," she replied in a broken voice. "I totally misjudged you."
"You were just protecting her," I said, throwing her an olive branch. I wasn't a man to hold a grudge against someone willing to apologize when they were wrong.
"I didn't think you could take care of her like she needed," she continued. "I thought you were too lost in your own problems to see how fragile she is, but I was so wrong. You got her through this when I couldn't have, and you have no idea how happy I am that you're here today. She couldn't have done this without you, so thank you." Tears filled her vibrant blue eyes, and I leaned over and gave her a brief hug.
"You're welcome," I said raggedly as I fought not to cry. "I promise that I'll take care of her, always put her first. I know I've hurt her before with my fucked-up stupidity, but never again. I swear."
"I know, Jensen. I know." Her eyes never wavered, and I didn't doubt her belief in me at all.
When Sydney came out of the bathroom, we were sitting quietly again. She looked expectantly at me as she walked over to us, and I shook my head, letting her know we hadn't heard anything yet. I took her hand and pulled her down into my lap again. Lauren leaned over toward Adam, and he held her against his chest as he stared blankly at the wall in front of us. We sat like that for quite a while before the guard finally came back in.
Let Me Heal You: Beautifully Broken Book 3 Page 24
