by PE Kavanagh
The large form of his body looms above me but all I feel is the rising temperature of my skin, and the grip of desire. His body has no weight or form. He plunges into me, pressure and pleasure mingled in my body. I want to be freed from the restraints so that I can wrap my arms around him, pull him deeper into me, feel his weight pressing down on me.
As I open my mouth to plead, "Let me go," large hands clasp my throat and mouth. But they aren't the hands of the one who is fucking me. They are the hands of the other one. I can't breathe, but neither of them stops - one pumping me to ecstasy, the other choking the life from me.
* * *
Lola bolted upright from her disheveled bed, heart racing and body drenched with sweat. As her eyes struggled to focus, she whipped her head to the right, toward her bathroom, then to the left, toward the Manhattan skyline through her window. I’m in my room.
She ripped the down comforter off her torso to confirm she was still wearing her faded blue t-shirt and her wrists were free of ropes or abrasions. I’m fine.
She turned her focus to the stack of clothes draped over the back of a wooden chair, willing herself into the normalcy of her surroundings. Disturbance lingered in her awareness. But there was something else, too. Something more pleasant than she would have liked. Arousal. The thought heaved the breath from her body in a sickening wave. She closed her eyes and attempted to press the fear and revulsion back down. Just a dream.
Curled up in ball, she told herself that everything would be fine. The twisted turn of her recent dreams had her bewildered and made her question whether, in fact, everything would be fine. Desire and danger intermingled, making it impossible for her to discern whether she was being propelled forward or warned away. She didn’t know what to hope for, or what to be afraid of.
Maybe all this unspent sexual energy was playing with her mind. She kept her eyes tightly shut and moved her hand between her legs, desperate for a release from both her arousal and her apprehension. There wasn’t much time - her best friend Maddie was waiting downtown. Her fingers and her fantasy would have to work efficiently.
Lola tried to scrub away her disgust under the scalding spray of a hurried shower, turning her golden skin into a highly irritated shade of red. She didn’t resent her body’s response to a sex dream and could readily admit how horny she was. But getting turned on was not the reaction she wanted to have in response to fear.
The overt danger darkening her dreams made everything even more complicated. She knew about being afraid, about feeling threatened, and it wasn’t something she would ever allow back into her life.
Sex wasn’t the problem, either. But sex led to feelings, and those could get you in all sorts of trouble. Aidan had excited more than just her body. And this left her worried.
Thank goodness it was Sunday, and she’d be spending the day as she had nearly every Sunday for years: with her best friend, Maddie. They met the day Lola moved to New York City and, despite an inauspicious start, their relationship had become the most important in her life.
It had begun with a grumpy moving crew, a brutally hot August day, and an apartment on the top floor of a four-story walkup. Escalating tempers had become raised voices, drawing a man from the apartment across the hall. When the movers snapped at Lola, he yelled back at them. “Hey guys, that’s not cool.” Then he turned to Lola. “Do you need some help?”
“Th- That’s really sweet of you,” Lola stuttered, taken back by the sight of this enormous man with toasted brown skin, a shaved head, and a Hollywood smile. He must be famous. “These guys are being paid pretty well to do this. You shouldn’t have to pick up the slack.”
That’s when she first saw Maddie, who nudged the man out of the doorway so she could see what was going on. Lola's eyes moved from her baggy pajama pants to the tank top tied around her ribs, showcasing her enormous breasts and her serious abs, topped by a messy bun of multi-colored hair. She looked Latina, or Italian, with Sophia Loren hair and a body to match. The perfect compliment to her superstar guy.
“Hey, are you moving in here?”
“Yes. I just arrived. I'm Lola.”
“I’m Madalena. Everyone calls me Maddie. This is my boyfriend, Trevor.”
“Fiancé, honey,” he corrected her.
“Yeah, right. I keep forgetting. We just got engaged. We’re actually moving out this month. Too bad! I’ve been waiting for someone normal to move in on this floor. Not to wig you out or anything, but it’s kind of looney-town up here.” Maddie twirled her long red nail in the air.
Trevor furrowed his brow. “Maddie, she just got here. You don’t need to scare her right away.”
“Truth is truth, baby.”
“Or maybe she won’t actually think everyone’s crazy or dangerous, like you do.”
“You know me so well, darling.” She slapped his bottom and he shook his head, laughing.
Lola wanted to keep watching them. “Have you guys been living here long?”
“Actually, Trevor doesn’t live here. Just me. But we’re getting married soon, and he insists on all these babies, so we’re moving downtown, getting something a little bit bigger.”
Lola liked that Maddie wasn’t all put together - braless, messy, tousled - but was completely relaxed about it. All the women in Lola’s family were so tightly bound - breasts, minds, hearts, voices. This woman was free. Lola wanted to study her, to write about her, to become her.
That day began their sisterhood, still strong after five years.
Sunday mornings were a highlight of Lola’s week. She and Maddie attended a kick-boxing class, shopped at the city’s largest farmer’s market, and, most importantly, caught up on any romance-related events. The Sunday after her first date with Aidan was the first time in a long time Lola had something to report.
The chilly October air should have quickened their pace through the winding walkways bordered by dozens of food and craft stands, but their nostalgia about the end of the season kept them lingering over each of their favorite stalls.
“Why won’t you tell me more?” Maddie pleaded as she stopped in front of the young vendor selling local honey.
Lola picked up a jar filled with honey as dark as her tanned skin. “You exhaust me. Seriously. I’ve told you every single thing that happened last night. Short of capturing video, there’s nothing more to add. And by the way, you’re the only one who’s regularly been getting it for the past few years. Why would my love life be so interesting?”
“You miss the point, Lo. It’s because I’ve been getting it regularly, from the same man, that your love life is interesting to me. A girl needs some variety, you know.”
“Well there’s nothing to report. A kiss on the cheek. That’s it.” Lola pulled Maddie across the central walkway to the bakery stand on the opposite side.
“Except for what sounded like the most romantic evening EVER in the history of romantic evenings. Do you think this guy is some big time gigolo or something, playing the long game? I mean, he sounds too good to be true.”
“I agree completely. But I don’t want to be one of those jaded, bitchy women. I mean really, how is that any better? I have to believe that not all men are lying, cheating assholes.”
“We both know that’s true. Trevor is amazing.”
“Yes, your husband is amazing. But unless you want me to start dating him, we actually have to find a different guy for me.”
They stopped at the apple stand and tested two varieties each. The stroll continued, as did Maddie’s questioning.
“Fine. I love that he’s going to cook for you, but do you feel okay going to his house? I mean you don’t know anything about him.”
“I don’t think he’s a serial killer, Maddie. I mean, really. And you know how hard I can punch.”
“Kick-boxing is not the same as self-defense.”
“Maddie, please don’t worry. I’ve got great spidey sense - you know that.”
Madalena lifted her eyebrows and curled her lip.
“I know, I know. I just have to listen to it better,” Lola admitted. “He probably lives in some super lush building where they greatly frown on murder.”
“You’re not funny.”
“Yes, I am. Listen, I just have to get through this week. Having a date with a man who’s cooking for me will be the perfect prize for another issue of the magazine successfully out the door.”
“Wow, I wonder what he’s going to cook. And what are you going to wear? And how are you not going to end up sleeping over?”
Lola knew exactly what to say to drive Maddie crazy. “Who says I’m not going to sleep over?”
Maddie put both her hands on her hips. “Are you telling me you’re finally going to get some?”
Lola sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe a quick romp would… relieve some tension.”
“Just be careful, Lo. You know how you’re a target for the crazies.”
“Trust me, I know.” Lola headed for the greens vendor, hopeful for a change in topic.
Maddie picked up a few spiky arugula leaves, giving them a look of disapproval. “What are you doing later?”
“I’m working. There’s a bunch of stuff I can get started on, so I’m as ready as possible for the week.”
They turned the corner of the last aisle, heading toward their favorite flower vendor, the one who always had the best sunflowers for Maddie and lilies for Lola.
Lola stopped walking, her mouth open. There he was. Talking to an older woman in a bright red suit.
“What’s up?” Maddie furrowed her brow at her frozen friend.
“That’s him.”
Maddie whipped her head from side to side, scanning the dozen or so people in their aisle.
“With that lady?”
“Yup.” Lola mouthed the words, letting no sound escape her slowly bobbing head.
“Holy shit! Is that his mom?”
“I don’t know. She doesn’t look old enough to be his mother, though.” Lola remembered his mother was from Trinidad. “Nope, definitely not his mother.”
“Oh my God. I can feel his hotness from here.”
“We have to get out of here, Maddie. I mean, look at me. Oh, this is really bad.”
“But I want to meet him! And we have to go over there to get our flowers.”
“Not now. Not today. Come on, let’s go back.”
Lola pulled Maddie’s arm, but she wouldn’t budge. Turning to face Lola, with her I'm serious expression, Maddie put her arms on her friend’s shoulders, like a parent guiding an unruly child. “I think you should say hello.”
“You’re being super selfish here. You want to check him out, I get it. But it’s too soon. I’m not ready for him to see me like this.”
“The genuine test of a man is how he reacts to truth.”
“You’ve got to stop reading those self-help books, Maddie. You sound like a crazy person.”
“You know I'm right.”
“I don’t care. I'm leaving.”
Lola tilted her head past Maddie to make sure Aidan hadn’t moved. The woman in red was at their flower stand, fingering the roses, but he was gone.
She wanted to be relieved, but the fact that she no longer knew where he was didn’t feel any better. She didn’t know where to hide. He could be anywhere. “We can go now. He seems to have moved. Quickly, though, okay?”
They stepped forward as if they were in a spy movie, darting their heads back and forth, making sure the coast was clear. Lola took a full breath when they arrived at the flowers.
“That was ridiculous,” Maddie said.
“Yes, I know. Sorry.” Lola tried to calm herself by focusing on pansies the color of summer tomatoes.
“You know I love you to death, right?” Maddie enveloped her in her arms and squeezed, holding on until Lola softened. It was one of their many traditions born from years of helping each other through one drama after another.
“I know.” Lola stiffened again.
“What is it now?”
Lola whispered, “He’s here. And he just saw me. He’s staring at me from the booth across the aisle.”
Without moving, Maddie muttered, “Holy fuck.”
“You have to let go now. Slowly.”
Maddie unraveled herself from Lola like a slow-blooming flower, until they were both facing out, away from the vendor, toward the center walkway full of people.
Aidan grinned from inside the soap seller’s stand, on the opposite side of the aisle. He didn’t move. He just grinned.
The two women smiled, Lola’s more shock than amusement. Aidan made his way around the display table, across the flow of people, toward them, his eyes never leaving Lola.
“Heeeeey…” She gave him a sing-song greeting.
“Hi Lola. I'm just getting luckier by the minute.”
“Funny seeing you here.” Her voice was thinned by the stress in her body. Breathe.
Maddie put her arm out. “Hi, I'm Madalena.”
“Aidan.” He shook Maddie’s hand while keeping his gaze pinned on Lola.
She recalled what she looked like and tugged at her frayed sweatshirt, likely spotted with sweat stains. “Oh, we just came from working out,” she explained. “And then picking up a few things. These flowers here…”
“I’m so pleased to see you. And I love the sporty look. Beautiful as ever,” he said as he moved a stray piece of hair off her cheek and tucked it behind her ear. Lola could hear Maddie swallow a gasp, and flicked her eyes in that direction.
Lola watched Maddie give Aidan the x-ray stare, as if she was trying to see into his soul. Or into his clothes. Lola cleared her throat in an exaggerated rumble, trying to stop her best friend’s blatant ogling. “What are you up to today, Aidan?”
“I love this market. It’s my version of church, I guess. I’ve made friends with a bunch of the farmers and artists. So I shop, and chat, and walk around.”
"Hey, who was that lady? In the suit?" Maddie’s words made Lola flinch, realizing the question revealed that they had seen him a few minutes before.
He pressed his lips together in an expression that Lola couldn’t quite decipher. Was it confusion? Anxiety? Guilt? "Oh, that was Louise Marino, our Congressperson. Do you know her?"
Maddie turned her attention to the spray of lilacs behind her. “Nope. She just looked conspicuous in the market… in that suit. But I guess it is election season."
Aidan looked away. ”Yeah. I guess."
Lola tried to keep her face from expressing how awkward she felt. Think of something to say.
“Hey, come meet my friend Tom.” Aidan brushed down the side of her arm and then took her hand. They walked towards the stall on the opposite side, Lola a few steps behind him, turning to check on Maddie, who was not even attempting to conceal her shock at the hand-holding.
“Tommy, this is Lola.”
“So great to meet you, Lola.” Tommy smiled as if he was part of an inside joke. He had a nice face, with a short crop of salt-and-pepper hair, almost military style, balanced by a small goatee.
“You too. And this is Madalena.” They shook hands.
Lola scanned the stacks of rough-cut rectangles. “So, this is your booth?”
“Yes, I make soap...”
Aidan interrupted. “This is a great story. Tommy was a banker with me. For years. He actually tapped out a little bit before me.” Tommy nodded, listening to his friend tell his story. "So he and his wife, total New York socialites, leave the city, go buy a farm and start raising goats. Can you believe it?”
“Wow, that’s incredible.” Lola wondered what it would be like to walk away from a successful career and follow her dreams.
Tommy interrupted her thoughts. “So, we had all these goats, and we weren’t going to eat them, so we started making milk and cheese, and now soap. That’s the thing everyone wants. Who would’ve guessed?”
“Not me, buddy. The fiercest trader in the biz makes organic soap. It’s the best story I know, man.” Aidan slapped his fr
iend on the arm.
“Oh, you’ve got more stories than that. But we’ll leave those for another day.”
“Good idea.” Both men laughed, the women exchanged curious looks, and Lola wondered if she would ever hear those stories.
Maddie moved along the table examining the soap, taking big sniffs, and reading the labels. Tom followed to answer her questions.
Aidan slid one of the straps of Lola’s bag back onto her shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about you. Was going to call you this afternoon and see if you wanted to get coffee. Or dinner.”
She nodded but didn’t answer, turning her attention to a bar of soap that looked like chocolate.
“What do you think? Do you have time? One last outing before the work binge?”
“I’m not sure. I'm with Maddie this afternoon, then going home to get a head start on work. Thanks for asking, though.” She wanted him to ask again.
“No worries.” Aidan looked down and pushed his shirt sleeves up his forearms. Lola got the sense he was upset, but her attention was drawn to Maddie’s hand around her arm.
“I have to get my sunflowers. Do you want me to pick out some lilies for you? See you in a sec.” Maddie dashed off to the stall across from them without waiting for an answer, and began the extended process of picking out the perfect flowers.
They stood in silence, waiting for Maddie to finish. Smooth, suave Aidan had turned into nervous, awkward Aidan. Or maybe Lola was just projecting her own insecurity. An unwanted memory of fucking and choking stole her composure.
“This is weird.” He had a knack for speaking her thoughts out loud.
“I was just thinking that.”
“Sorry. I… ” His vulnerability was discomfiting.
“It’s not your fault. Maybe the harsh light of day is a bit too much after one date.”
He shook his head, smiling. “I’m happy to see you like this. It feels real to me. No pretense.”
