by PE Kavanagh
“I’m scared shitless Mads.”
“Exactly why you need a shot. It’ll be better.”
Maddie pulled the vodka out of the freezer, poured it into two mugs and brought them into the living room, where Lola sat glass-eyed on the couch.
“Drink that.”
“That’s more than a shot, Mads,” she said, eying the half-filled glass.
“Even better.”
Maddie threw hers back and Lola followed. They both scrunched their faces afterward.
Sitting side-by-side on the couch, Lola’s hands in Maddie’s, they waited silently, neither knowing what to say.
Maddie jumped up first at the knock on the door. Lola wanted to stop her but did not have the strength. Her face was on fire, she felt nauseous and wobbly from the shot.
“Maddie! I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” She heard his voice but did not see him.
“I bet you weren’t.” That was Maddie’s fiercest tone, reserved for the most heinous situations. She blocked the doorway.
“Is Lola here?”
“Yes, she is. But first, you need to know how intensely that woman is loved. And protected.”
Lola buried her head in her hands. She wished she could stop what was happening. She just wanted him to explain what happened. She didn’t want to sit here and listen to him being berated.
“Let him in, Maddie.”
Maddie stepped away from the door and Lola saw him. Her throat burned with tears, but she held them in.
“I’ll talk to you later, Lo.” Maddie glared at Aidan as she walked out the door and closed it.
His face was masked with pain. “Oh, my God, it’s so wonderful to see you, Lola.”
She turned away and shook her head.
He sat down next to her. “Lola. Please look at me.”
She really didn’t want to. Her head moved toward him anyway.
“I have something to tell you. Something that’s been killing me. But first, I need you to know something.” He waited for some acknowledgment.
She waited for him to continue talking.
Aidan continued. “Will you please say something?”
“Will YOU?” Her tone was just short of hysterical. She took a deep breath and began again. “I’m waiting for you to actually say something, instead of telling me you’re going to say something.”
His face changed from devastation to resolve, as he steeled himself, set his jaw, and lifted his chest. “I love you.”
The ball of fire exploded in the back of her throat. She lost control of her breath and the tears rolled down her cheeks.
“I’ve been in love with you for weeks. I think we have something, Lola. Something magical and amazing and completely unexpected.”
He reached over to wipe a tear from her cheek and she flinched. He put his hand down.
“I think you already knew that, right? You knew that I had fallen in love with you?”
She would not answer and pressed her lips tight.
“I wish you would say something.”
“Was there something else?" she asked, exasperated. “I don’t think that’s the cause of what happened. I don’t think that’s why you’re here today.”
“I just wanted you to know, before I go any further, how I feel about you. And it’s why I’m here. Because I want to be with you and I want you to know everything that happened. You told me that a relationship based on a lie is not a real relationship. I heard you.”
She was tired of him rambling. She just wanted him to say what he came to say so that this could be done. Her head throbbed.
He stood up and started pacing, occasionally pausing to look at her, but not speaking.
“My God, Aidan, you’re killing me. Please!”
“I’m sorry.” He turned away from her. “It started after the election. Maybe it started with the crash of 2008, back when I had just begun my career. What I saw was the people above me, the people I admired, all taking gross advantage. We were making serious money while watching people’s lives destroyed, left and right. I realized that the people who did the worst things were rewarded the most.
“I justified it by saying it was for my brother, who was cheated out of his fortune, and his life. But that money wasn’t doing him any good. I saw how easy it was to… prostitute myself. To act with a complete lack of integrity. By the election, and the resulting shitshow, when I left, things had gone really far. I didn’t want to take any responsibility for the disaster we had created. All the traders, banks and politicians. I felt like I had lost any connection to my humanity.”
He sat down across from her, leaning forward, clasping his hands. “My fiancee left me because I refused to go back to work. She didn’t care what the price of that money was. She just wanted it. Then one night…” He looked up at her and swallowed hard. “I was at a bar. This woman picked me up. Older. I recognized her. She was married to the man who owns most of downtown Manhattan. I went to a hotel with her.” He looked up again. She was listening. “I can’t…”
She could not comprehend what could be so hard to say. “You can’t what?”
None of this was especially dramatic. The excesses of Wall Street, sleeping with a married woman - not great, but not life-shattering and not unique.
“In the morning, she paid me.”
Lola’s mouth dropped open.
“I didn’t understand at first. She had just assumed…” He took a deep breath before continuing. “She called me again. Paid me again. I started getting calls from her friends. Who did the same.”
Lola brought both her hands to her mouth and gasped.
He shook his head, then firmed his gaze, determined to finish. “I was an escort for about six months. Most of it was not about sex, but some of it was. These women’s husbands were in a frenzy for power. They saw the opening that had been created by the social and political upheaval and were vying for position. I think these women were neglected and lonely.”
She could not form any words.
“It made sense to me at the time. I was completely disenchanted, jaded, bitter. I didn’t believe that humans could be redeemed. Taking money for sex, and companionship, felt like the most honest thing I had done in a while.”
He stood up again. She looked away, unsuccessfully managing the torrent in her head.
“I stopped and left New York. That’s when I fled to Asia. It took almost two years of living with nothing, doing everything I could to purge myself clean from what I had done, until I began to feel normal again. Not normal, as I had been. But a new normal.
“I came back to start over. I was going to get everything in order and planned on leaving the city, maybe moving to the west coast. I felt I had some clarity on what happened. How I had gotten so lost, first with the money, then with the women. It made sense in some strange way. I want to say that I wasn’t ashamed about… what I did. I provided relief from a lot of sadness and devastation. Those were human beings looking for some balm to ease their pain.”
“Then what’s the problem?” They were both surprised to hear her speak.
“The women were all married. Their husbands were, and still are, powerful players. A few times, it didn’t end well. Lola, I know this is really bad. But there’s something else, something more, something personal.”
“I don’t think I want to know, Aidan. Please. This is enough, okay. I understand why you were conflicted about sex. I get it. I don’t need any more details.” She was surprised at the calm in her voice. She was glad it was done now.
“I have to. I came here to tell you. Even if you’re furious with me, I promised to be honest with you.”
“Goddammit, Aidan. Can't you just stop?!”
He shook his head. “I was looking at the future, exploring what would be next for me. I was actually excited, for the first time since my brother died, about my life. Then this came…” He pulled folded paper from his jacket pocket. It looked like many sheets. His hands were shaking when he unfolded the stack. “
Would you like to look at it? Should I read it to you?”
“Why don’t you tell me what it says?”
“A man, at least I think it’s a man, contacted me. He told me he had a job. He wanted me to go out with someone. Didn’t say why. I told him he had the wrong person. Then he started naming names. He knew a surprising amount. I couldn’t figure out how he got those names. And I couldn’t figure out who he was. He threatened to expose the whole thing.
“It’s been years. I mean it was old news. But some of those people are now even more important and influential. I felt like I needed to protect their wives. And myself too, I suppose.
“I accepted the job. I told myself it would be quick and easy. I would be a companion for some lonely woman and that would be that.”
She was trying her best to keep up with what he was saying. One more job. That’s all. Okay. What else?
“It was you.”
The words echoed and rolled. She was confused at first. As the understanding settled in, it projected her body upward. She rose to her feet, panting.
“Lola, I promise, if I had known, I would never have…”
“Someone PAID you to go out with me?” She couldn’t catch her breath. She felt sick.
“Yes. At first. But I…”
"Someone paid you to fuck me?!"
"No… they actually paid me not to…"
She ran into the bathroom, dropped to her knees and began retching into the toilet.
“My God…” He ran to the door.
When she looked up, the room was spinning, and another wave of sickness rolled through her body.
He reached for her, trying to touch her hair.
“DO NOT TOUCH ME,” she growled. Her body continued heaving.
“Lola, please. I stopped as soon as I knew. I broke the agreement, I returned the money. And now he’s threatening me but it doesn’t matter. I didn’t expect I would fall in love with you, Lola.”
She raised her head. “Get out.”
“Baby, please. I can’t leave you like this. I can explain everything. I-”
“Get. Out. Of. My. House.”
He didn’t move. She turned her head and screamed at the top of her lungs. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Never ever ever come near me again. Get out!”
He stepped back, startled at her tone. “I can’t go. Please don’t make me go. I can explain everything. I’m sorry. So so sorry. I want you to know how much I love you.”
“Aidan…”
“Yes,” he said hopefully.
“If you don’t leave right now I will call the police.”
Lola thought she heard him choke, but didn’t look up.
The next time a wave of nausea subsided, she lifted her gaze just enough to make sure he was gone, then put her head back down.
* * *
She could hardly lift her heavy eyelids to see who was turning the lock of her front door. He didn’t have a key. Who was there?
Maddie stepped in and walked directly into the bathroom. How did she know?
“Lo, honey.” She sat down on the cold tile and wrapped herself around her friend. “My sweet girl. I’m here… I’m here.”
Lola’s arm was numb and her neck ached from having fallen asleep on the rim of the toilet.
“Mads, what are you doing here?”
“You won’t believe it. He came to our house. He showed up at the door, hysterical. We thought it was a trick-or-treater.”
Lola couldn’t believe her ears. “How?”
“I guess he remembered where we lived, from when you guys came over. He told us, Lo. He told us what happened, even though he was kind of incoherent. I don’t think I completely understand. But he told us you were really upset, throwing up. He begged me to come here and check on you. I have to say it took a lot of balls, knowing how I feel about him. He was… not doing well. But he was mostly worried about you.”
“I don’t care.”
“I know, hun. I know. Are you still feeling sick?”
“No. I think everything’s out.”
“Good. Better that way. Let’s get you cleaned up, and then we’ll go to bed.”
Maddie stood up, threaded her arms through Lola’s arms and helped her stand. She poured water into the bathroom cup and had her rinse her mouth, then brush her teeth.
She walked her to bed, closed the curtains to block out the sun, and got in next to her. Lola curled herself into a ball, while Maddie stroked her hair.
“I’m going to be smarter this time, Maddie. Smarter than with Scott. I’m not going to pretend I don’t know, or that it’s okay. I’m going to be strong.”
“You are strong, lovey. So strong. But you don’t need to worry about any of that now. You just need to rest.”
“He went out with me because someone paid him to, Mads. Then pretended to be in love with me. Can you believe it? Can you?”
“Well, sweetie, I think there’s more to it than that. But again, nothing to worry about now.”
“I’m just glad I didn’t say I love you back. Or I love you first. Thank God. Now it’ll be easier to not love him anymore.”
* * *
Lola opened her eyes from a deep sleep to a completely dark room, surprised that no nightmares had filled her night. Maddie snored softly on the other side of the bed. The side where he had slept. Unable to stop reliving the scene from the previous night, she grabbed her journal and walked out to the living room.
Her journal had been untouched since she’d met Aidan. It was her foolproof method for working things out, for untangling the messes she created. She opened to the next empty page and paused, the pen hovering over the first line. The current moment was rich with questions, but the only logical place to start was the very beginning. The first time she saw him in the coffee shop.
Words poured from her, filling the pages with dates and events, as well as the borders and edges with questions and theories:
Had he been watching her at Kismet?
Had he been following her?
How much did he know about her?
When did he break his agreement? Why?
Was he really not supposed to have sex with her, but then changed his mind?
What did he expect from her?
She wrote as much as she could remember, skipping the sexual specifics because it was too painful, but including everything else.
This question came to her only as she took a short break to stretch her hand: Who had hired him to go out with her?
* * *
She couldn’t believe that it had taken so long to realize that there was, in fact, someone else orchestrating this charade. The thought terrified her. Who would do this?
Instead of their typical Sunday morning ritual of a workout and a visit to the farmer's market, Lola and Maddie stayed in their pajamas, not leaving the house all day. They moved from the bed to the couch and back, as Lola attempted to purge her suffering via the ballpoint pen that seldom left her right hand.
By sunrise on Monday, when a blue sky filled the view outside her window, and her hand ached from all the pages she had filled in her journal, Lola felt normal. Surprisingly normal. She got ready for work, then gently woke Maddie.
“You’re dressed," she said rubbing her eyes.
“Yup. I’m headed off to work. Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah. You know I love this couch. How are you doing, Lo?”
“I’m good. I’ve got a busy day, so I’m going to head off.”
“Come over after work, okay? I’m making lasagna.”
“Sure.” She kissed her friend on the top of her head. “Thanks, Mads. You saved me. Again.”
* * *
Lola threw herself into the frenzy of the office, not even leaving her desk for lunch. She took sips off the awkwardly shaped disposable spoon she found in the bottom of the paper bag containing her lunch, unconcerned with the flavor or texture of her lentil soup. She moved on auto-pilot, and anyone taking a good look into her eyes would have been able to te
ll.
She was on the phone when Kim showed up at her door, waving a large white envelope. She signaled her to put it down and glanced down to see her name, typed neatly on the otherwise blank surface. She put down the phone and walked to her door with the envelope. Kim was standing a few desks away, chatting with one of the sales people.
“Kim, what is this?”
“Just came by courier, Lola. I’m not sure…”
“Okay. Thanks.”
“Sure.”
Lola knew what this was not: a business communication, an invoice, or an expense request from one of their contract writers. She slid her finger under the flap, dislodging the small piece of adhesive. Pulling at the top edge of the single sheet, she slid it out and placed it, face down on her desk. She turned the envelope over, examining the letters of her name for some clue as to what he had written. She knew it was him, almost as if she could smell him. She turned her head toward her shoulder and inhaled deeply, remembering his t-shirt on her body.
I am not afraid. I understand words. That’s all this is… words. She turned her attention back to the bright white sheet on her dark brown desk, and picked it up, holding only the tiny edge of the corner, as if it was wet or toxic. She laid it down again, making sure the words were the right way up. Her editor brain noticed the form on the page. Several small paragraphs, handwritten, perfectly centered. Messy penmanship, more angular than round. Lots of white space.
She cleared her throat before beginning, as if she were about to recite the letter. The words filled her head, but not the room.
My darling Lola.
* * *
How are you? Are you feeling better?
* * *
I am consumed by thoughts of you, and am so worried. I realized that what I told you made you physically sick, which makes me sick. I cannot imagine what level of repulsion you must feel for me. I don’t blame you.
* * *
I would give anything to rewrite our story, but I don’t know how to do that. It seemed so clear to me that the only possibility for us was for you to know everything. Even with the current situation, and how badly it went, I don’t regret telling you, or doubt it was the right thing.
