by PE Kavanagh
“Sorry about the mess.”
He turned to grin at her. "I expected nothing less." His eyes looked heavy.
“Are you tired?”
“Yes. And no.”
“You must be exhausted after flying all morning.”
“I suppose.”
“Well, feel free to take a nap while I’m in the shower. That bed will ruin you for any other bed, but it’s worth it.”
“Kind of like you, Lola.”
She flinched. “Sweet dreams, Aidan.”
“Kind of feels like deja vu, doesn’t it? Minus the clawfoot tub.”
She smiled, remembering their day trip to the apple orchard. Back before things had gotten so twisted. Or at least before she knew how twisted they were.
“There’s nothing going on this afternoon, so you can sleep as long as you want. I’ll see you shortly.”
She walked into the en suite bathroom, shut the door behind her, and turned on the hot water tap as far as it would go. Taking off her clothes, knowing that he was just on the other side of the door, fed energy into her tired body. It didn't make sense that she would have changed, physically, but her reflection in the mirror presented someone she had not seen in some time. It had been nearly impossible, for the past few weeks, to look at herself. All she felt was his absence, almost as if she had lost access to her own body.
She wondered how many women he had seen naked and how they compared. Were they curvier, like Maddie, or leaner? Did he prefer big breasts, a round bottom, both? Desire and disgust co-mingled. How could she ever let herself enjoy him looking at her, touching her, taking her?
The firm spray of the shower pierced through the pendulous fog and she let herself be doused for a long time. Every sensation-the scalding water on her skin, the steam in her lungs, even the plush white towel, warm from the heated bar, wrapping around her body-aroused her from a self-imposed ban on feeling. The connections to her nervous system, which had been bypassed in order to survive the past few weeks, had been reset.
The cooler air from the room sent a chill across her arms and legs, left bare around the oversized white t-shirt she slipped on. The heat of the shower, on top of the morning’s physical and emotional exertions, had released a deep exhaustion. Lola paused at the side of the bed to look at him, lying face up, fast asleep. How could a human being be so beautiful?
She tiptoed around to the other side and got into bed, leaving more than a body’s width between them. Lola didn't want to disturb him, and wasn’t ready to be any closer. But her hand reached out, hovering as his chest rose and fell with each breath. She yearned to feel his heart beating.
She spoke in a nearly silent whisper. “I love you.”
“I love you, Lola,” he said, eyes still closed.
She whipped her hand away, shocked. “I thought you were sleeping.”
“I was. But I heard you.” He opened his eyes and turned to her. “Did you not want me to hear that?”
Her face warmed. She was not ready for this.
He rolled onto his side and scanned from her wet hair, leaving translucent patches on her thin white t-shirt, to the tops of her legs, left uncovered.
Lola pulled at her shirt hem with rising self-consciousness. “I thought you were asleep,” she repeated.
“Okay, I can be if you want me to.” Staying on his side, he closed his eyes. He reached his hand out to her, landing on her waist. “Is this alright? Is it okay for me to touch you?”
Instinct took over as she slid her body closer to him, narrowing the gap between their bodies. His hand moved around her back, pulling her in even closer. She tucked herself into his elongated body and submerged herself in his warmth, his smell, his breath.
She woke up with her legs entangled around his, her face pressing against his chest, and his warm hand cupping her bottom. Lola was uncovered from the stomach down.
She lay next to him, awake, contemplating her next move, afraid to awaken him if he was sleeping, to begin something she was not sure she could complete. With a rumble in his chest, he slid his hand down the back of her thigh, which was resting on his.
The tickle from his fingers skimmed where the heat was building. She tilted her head back, to see him, and he immediately found her mouth. The grip around her thigh tightened as their mouths connected.
She entered a world where fantasy and memory crossed over each other. His hands and his mouth were familiar, and yet different. Fear and tension gave way to desire that melted over her. How much she had wanted this man and how much she had tried to stop feeling any of it.
Holding on to her thigh, he rolled on top of her. It forced the breath from her. His hand moved between her legs. It was engulfing her.
“Stop.”
His hand froze and she moved it onto the sheet beside her. It took him a second to process, but he did not resist. He also did not move off of her.
She needed to find his eyes. “I don’t want to get lost again.” She wasn’t completely certain what that meant, but it was enough to get him to shift his body.
“I don’t want that either.” She couldn’t tell if the look on his face was sadness, anger or surprise.
He lay on his back and extended his arm for her to rest her head. She may have already gotten lost.
“Can I ask you something? About that night?”
“Sure,” she said, not at all sure. The world was better with her head on Aidan's strong chest.
“I think about it a lot. What happened. I can understand why I got so triggered, I was convinced you were messing with me, that you knew my secret. But I don’t really understand what happened for you. Why you did… what you did?”
“Do you mean giving you a blow job?” She made no attempt to hide her annoyed frustration.
“No. I mean afterward. What you asked of me. Is that what you want?”
The memory appeared instantly, as it had been playing in a loop in her head nearly every day. “I asked you to fuck me.”
“Yes.”
“Was there something wrong with that?”
“No. But it felt… I don’t know the right word. Maybe angry.”
“I was angry. We had been having such a good evening, I thought. Until that point. I was mad at you.” The emotions of that night also returned easily.
“I understand that. But what you asked me… it’s like you wanted me to fuck you, angrily.”
She thought for a minute. “I thought the way you were acting was totally shitty. I guess I wanted you to redeem yourself. To prove you were actually a man.”
“Ouch. That hurt.”
“Aidan, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. But that’s what I was thinking.”
“Does that turn you on? When I take you like that?”
“Yes. Sometimes. But I also like when we are intimate, connected and tender. It’s the difference between the first night we slept together, and the incident in the kitchen. Totally different, both great. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal.”
“Maybe I don’t either. I just know that when you said that to me, it felt dehumanizing. Like we were just soulless bodies. It’s hard for me to see us that way.”
She looked up to see his face. “I don’t mean to open the wound, but I can’t believe that’s an unusual request. I think lots of women like to be taken strongly. Or a little rough.”
The wave of tension in his body did not go unnoticed.
“Maybe the issue is that it’s not just about fucking with us. Something else happens when we’re together that I can’t explain. The combination of that request, from you, triggered something that I didn’t like.”
“But what if I like it? What if I really like it?”
“Tell me why you like it.”
“Because I spend my whole life in charge. It’s fine, I chose the life I’m living. But sometimes, I want to feel like I don’t have to hold everything up. I can surrender to my desire and your desire and let that be enough. Maybe there’s a place for tentative beha
vior, but not in the bedroom. Not with me.”
“Do you think I’ve been tentative?”
Her palm skimmed the mound of his chest muscle. “Well… yes… before. I understand now that it was because you were trying not to sleep with me. But I didn’t know at the time. And that night, you made such a big deal. I didn’t like it. I’m not saying you have to be the man of steel every minute. Maybe if I had known why you were acting the way you were acting, it wouldn’t have upset me. I would’ve been able to ease your fears, instead of shaming you.”
“That’s the right word. It felt shameful. Which is already what I’d been carrying so heavily.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t like what you did, but I don’t need you to feel shame about it. That’s not helpful.”
His palm pressed into her hand. “You have nothing to be sorry about, Lola. I was battling so many demons… Maybe it couldn’t have gone any other way.”
She let his words move through and around her.
“Are you no longer comfortable with me… sexually?” Aidan's heart pounded underneath her cheek.
“I’m not sure. You know everything happens so fast with us. You sprinted over my house. I flew across the country and you were here within hours. There is all this… new information for me to process. I guess my head is spinning. And I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of drowning in you again. It was so easy for me to go under. All my logical, level-headedness went out the window. I don't like not having control.”
“But you just said you didn't want control, in the bedroom. You preferred to surrender to me.”
She lifted her head to look at him.“You’re right. I'm not claiming it makes sense. Surrender in the bedroom - yes. In the rest of my life - it's really hard. It’s much easier for me in the bedroom, to get there. But it’s not just about us having sex. It’s about a relationship. It’s about navigating through this huge thing that happened and finding our way to the other side.”
“It makes me happy to hear you say that. That there is another side, past all this. What would you like to do, my love, from this point forward?”
“I want you to be patient. I can’t say I can stomach it all.”
“I can be as patient as you need. I won’t push, or even ask you. But I need you to let me know how far you’re willing to go. Which means you’re kind of in charge here.”
She thought about that. “Let’s get to know each other again, Aidan. Like a dating re-do, with nothing presumed or promised.”
“Yes, I know how you don’t like promises.”
“Because I don’t believe in them.”
“I want to make you believe mine, one day.” He kissed her lightly on her hairline. “I’m willing to start, again, but better this time.”
“Thank you.” Lola exhaled into the perfection of the moment.
“When can I take you home?”
The realization that he didn't know her plans startled her. “I… I’m not going home for another week. I’m driving up to San Francisco tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I decided to take my time along the coastal route over a couple of days. Then it's family time.”
“That sounds wonderful. I’m glad you’re doing that. Hopefully, being surrounded by loving family, even if they are a little bit nutty, will be just what you need. Have you done that drive before?”
“Not since I still lived at home. And never by myself. I kept trying to get Maddie to come out, but she didn’t want to travel over the holiday.”
“How about Diego and Timothy? Can they go with you?”
“No. Timothy’s got a big TV interview on Wednesday morning, so they’re flying out later that day. It’s okay, I don’t necessarily need a companion.”
“Do you want a companion?”
“Aidan…” She didn’t want to answer.
He looked past her, toward the scenic view out the window. “I know. It’s too much. You probably don’t want your family entwined in our fresh new relationship.”
The idea of him sitting at the table full of her loved ones was both thrilling and terrifying. She had no doubt they would love him. He fit right in with all of them. But she had just said that she wanted to go slow. Don’t get lost, Lola.
He pulled her in closer. “Can I take you out tonight? To celebrate?”
“I think the guys have dinner planned for me, plus a few friends. They’ve been so sweet and generous, taking great care of me.”
“Good. You deserve to be well taken care of.”
“What are your plans?”
“I don’t have any. I didn’t think beyond getting here, finding you, apologizing, making up. But you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll head back home and wait patiently for your return. Should I look for a hotel? For tonight?”
“Of course not. You’ll stay here.” How could he think of being away from me?
“Thanks. I’m trying not to presume anything.”
She pressed herself up to sitting and twisted toward him. “I’m hungry. Starving. Like I haven’t eaten in days.”
“You know how I can’t resist a hungry woman. What can I feed you?”
“I know the perfect place. Wanna go for a little ride?”
“Anywhere. Especially if there’s food involved.”
Lola threw on a simple linen dress and skipped down the stairs. She had splurged and gotten a convertible rental car and they headed down the coastal highway, toward downtown Los Angeles, with the sun and wind accompanying them. Aidan couldn’t hide the dubious look when they pulled into a sketchy looking strip mall.
“We’re eating here?”
“Oh, yes. You just wait.”
He stared at the people pouring out of the shop on the corner, below the martial arts studio. “What is this?”
“There’s this super famous chef who started opening these small pop-up restaurants. It’s insane. I’ve wanted to come back here every single day, but the folks at the office made me feel ridiculous. I’ll order, if you like.”
“Sold.”
They sat at the tall counter, squeezed in between too many other people stuffing the delicious food into their mouths.
“I’m definitely stopping here before going back to the airport tomorrow.”
“See?? I told you! It’s totally addictive.”
“You’re right. Always.”
On the way back to her brother’s house Lola took Aidan on a tour. They passed the office of the magazine’s new partner, her adopted coffee shop, and then drove up the coast before heading upland.
Lola beamed while the wind disheveled her hair. “It’s so beautiful here, don’t you think?”
He pulled the mass of her honey waves back, away from her face. “Yes, it is. Could you ever see yourself living here?
“Absolutely. I went to New York for a lot of reasons. I was going to be a writer and all that grit was going to fuel my creative genius. And the fact that it was so far away from most of my family didn’t hurt. But neither of those reasons are valid anymore. Things with my mom have calmed down and I don’t see the great American novel in my future.”
“But what if it was? Don’t you still want to write it?”
“Yes, but I don’t think I can. There are the practicalities of working and living in Manhattan. I just don’t have the space in my life I need to create something epic. I’m not saying never. I just don’t think it’s going to be anytime soon.”
“I could see you living here. The ocean and all…”
The house was bustling by the time they returned. The cleaning people were dusting, mopping, and rearranging furniture, while the caterers had filled every surface of the kitchen with preparations for the party.
Lola stepped cautiously into the kitchen, at which point a man in a chef’s outfit, who looked like an actor playing a chef, came out to greet her.
“Hello.” He put out his hand. “Chef Julian.”
“Hi. I’m Lola.”
He looked around her. “Is Diego here?”
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“Not yet, they’ll be back shortly. Do you need anything?”
“No, we are right on track. It will be a beeeyooootiful party.”
She tried to hold in the giggle created by his exaggerated statement. “Without a doubt.”
Lola walked back to the foyer, where Aidan waited for her.
He tapped his finger against the glass edge of the table holding a massive bouquet. “Everything okay in there?”
“I think so. The guys told me this was just a small get together, but it looks like they’re preparing for a wedding. It’s intense.”
He cocked his eyebrow. “A wedding? Anything you want to tell me?”
“Very funny. And not funny at all. I think we should vacate.”
“Good call.”
“Let’s hang out around back. There are these loungers that are more comfortable than my bed at home.”
“What time do the festivities begin?”
“I think around six or seven. Not totally sure.”
“Okay. I’d like to clean up first.”
“Sure. You can do it now, or later. Whatever you want.”
“Maybe now is good. You settle in down here and I’ll see you shortly.” He kissed her goodbye, a bit more briefly than she wanted, and bounded up the stairs.
As she walked to the back of the house, out the large glass doors and onto the deck, she thought of him, up in that beautiful room, naked. It would be so easy to head back upstairs, get undressed, open the bathroom door, and join him. She imagined the soap and water on his skin, moving in rivulets down his entire body. She imagined him stepping out of the shower and wrapping himself in one of the enormous towels, rubbing himself briskly.
She would pull the towel from his wet body and take him in her hand. He would lift her onto the vanity counter and enter her. She would draw her knees up while he cradled her bottom.
“Hello!” Her brother’s voice startled her out of the engrossing fantasy.
Timothy darted his head left and right. “Where’s the guy?” he asked in an exaggerated whisper. “Did you ditch him?”
