* * *
Dr. Barry’s Four Steps for Failing at Romantic Relationships
The physical. It takes about four seconds to know if you are attracted to someone. So, if you want to fail at a relationship, try to force yourself to date someone you are not attracted to or force yourself on someone who clearly isn’t attracted to you.
The emotional. Your emotional response is based on your values system. The number-one way to ensure a disastrous relationship is to have different values. Make sure you ask your potential partner these questions early on to see if the connection has a real chance: Who and what do you care about? How do you have fun? What makes you angry? Remember, values are things that we act on—so listen to their answers, but also pay attention to their actions.
The intellectual. Morals are your opinions on how the world works. They serve as your motivation and the big-picture thinking that inspires you. Most couples with intellectual compatibility share the same morals. Some questions to ask are: What do you think about justice? What do you think about religion? What is your belief on life’s purpose? A relationship without intellectual compatibility may survive in the beginning, but if you want to ensure a rocky future, keep surging on with someone whose core beliefs do not reflect your own.
The lifestyle. Your lifestyle is made up of where you live, who you love, where you worship, where you work and how you like to fill up your free time. Trust takes time and consistency to build, but you can’t do that if you’re never together because your lifestyles don’t mesh. The farther removed you are from someone’s day-to-day, the farther you will drift apart.
* * *
Dr. Barry finished speaking then opened the floor to questions. At first, everyone was silent but then Courtney chimed in. “If I meet someone who doesn’t share my values, I try to help them by telling them where they’re coming up short, but if they don’t improve, I move on. But then I get accused of being this praying mantis who goes through people, plucking off their head if something is wrong with them. Is that wrong to discard people so quickly?”
“I think you are a romantic, Courtney,” said Dr. Barry. “The praying mantis may not be that you’re ripping off people’s heads and discarding them but that you’re putting pressure on someone to open up to you because you’re in a rush to find out if they’re your forever or not. The dating journey can’t be rushed, no matter how bad you want to get to the destination.”
“My problem isn’t quite the same, but I also tend to attract people who aren’t the right fit for me,” interjected Cherise. “I tend to attract people who are not very truthful but also do whatever is in their power to not let me go.”
“When things start to repeat, it’s almost always because we are trying to solve some unfinished puzzle inside. If you’ve had the same thing happen with different people, you have to look inside—what is the hurt that hasn’t been healed?”
“These people are often great deceivers, though,” said Cherise. “I don’t seek out the bad person because I’ve already learned that lesson, but they put on a front like they’re something different for a long time before their true colors show. So how am I to avoid that?”
Dr. Barry paused for a while. “You have a very tough vibe and that might be misperceived by individuals as you not needing them.”
“That’s the story of my life.” Cherise laughed.
I sat silently on the other end, riveted by this back-and-forth. Dr. Barry had picked up on Cherise’s personality challenges within minutes of speaking to her, but I suppose attitudes speak louder than words.
“So even though you value being taken care of and protected you project the morals that you don’t need anybody, and nothing affects you. So maybe you have a revulsion toward men who are the giving, sweet and goofy guys trying to give you what you actually need.”
“No, I’m not like that,” she said flatly.
“Well, good,” he continued. “That’s a hard cycle to be in. Some people project invulnerability to protect themselves from the bad guys, but that demeanor isn’t always attractive to the nice people of this world.”
I hoped that Cherise read between the lines of what Dr. Barry was warning her of. She had submitted her workbook to me a couple days before and it was an even mix between anger and anguish. No one could survive on that diet, something had to give. We still had a long way to go in the program so I remained confident that we would find that light switch for Cherise and the others.
I told Dr. Barry about our present assignment to seek counsel from an ex about our intimate flaws. He smiled with approval, then remarked, “That sounds like a great next step. There are people who have an aversion to introspection. They don’t want to look at themselves, unless the mirror is positioned in the best light. I think that is a characteristic of someone who is not ready for love.”
THE NEXT DAY I GOT A FLOOD OF EMAILS FROM THE WOMEN ABOUT THEIR ASSIGNMENTS. A couple wanted to update me, one wanted help crafting her request, and Stephanie asked if I would moderate the conversation with her ex, Fred, a 9-to-5 guy who was a part-time comic.
I think asking a friend to have this conversation on your behalf is an extremely good option. This way you can get the concrete information without the risk of the discussion turning into a battle of egos. We decided she would make the introduction, but I would lead and execute the call without her. She immediately sent out an email to me and Fred. He wrote back before the night was up with a calendar invite titled Stephanie’s Roast.
The next day I called Fred the minute I was scheduled to. We spoke casually for a bit to break the ice, which somehow led to him sharing a quip I will literally never forget: “Seriously I’d rather lose someone’s kid than lose my earpods, those things are so expensive!”
When our small talk died down, I went straight for the big question: “In all lovingness, what do you think is holding Stephanie back from being in a healthy relationship?”
“I would definitely say . . . she was just really, I mean she is just very . . .” Fred sighed heavily. “Her biggest issue is that she needs a confidence boost.”
“When you say a lack of confidence, do you mean just in your relationship with her or you don’t look at her as someone who is confident overall?” I pressed.
“I’d say both, she lacked confidence in both, which to me was crazy because she’s pretty badass.”
BINGO.
Not that this was an earth-shattering revelation but from what I had witnessed, this was Stephanie’s issue to a T. She lacked confidence and not in a “no biggie” way, but like a cheeseburger that lacked cheese. When you don’t have confidence that you are enough, it’s extremely difficult to be confident that you are enough for anyone else. In Stephanie’s case she wanted desperately to be loved but she wasn’t convinced there was anything lovable about her, hence her dismissive-avoidant attachment. The result was a mix of being closed off and needy.
Sure enough, later in the conversation when I asked Fred if Stephanie was independent or needy he said, “I would say she’s more on the needier side. She was obsessed with knowing how I spent my time, even when I was at work.”
When I asked if Stephanie spoke too much about herself, he immediately cut me off. “No! Not at all, she’s extremely selfless in conversations, and if anything, I’d love if she spoke about herself more.”
He also explained that because she didn’t talk about herself enough, he had a hard time understanding her emotional reactions. “She’s sensitive, she’s definitely sensitive. It’s hard because on one level she’s probably the most logical and emotionally stable person but then, like, one comment she’s crying immediately. And not only that but in public—in front of her friends, in front of my friends . . .”
Finally, I asked Fred if he believed she changed for the worse, at some point in the relationship.
“Almost as soon as we became official there would be small things that would happen, things that wouldn’t even warrant an argument and she’d jump to questio
ning the whole relationship. After a while, I’d say that takes a toll on someone.”
He also mentioned that Steph was positive, a great listener and supportive—all things that I also admired about her. I ended the conversation with Fred with a deeper appreciation for the value of this exercise because it laid out a few call-to-action areas that Stephanie’s workbook had eluded to. Understandably it’s uncomfortable to reflect on how our weak areas may have caused harm to the relationships we once cared for, but if done carefully, it can be a catalyst for change.
One of the most important lessons I learned in my counseling practice is that people are the protagonist of their own lives. In other words, everyone thinks they’re Mufasa; no one looks in the mirror and sees Scar. But in truth we’ve all been both and probably at the same time within one relationship. Of course, there are extremes where people have been brainwashed or manipulated, but for the most part we are responsible for our behavior in our adult relationships—people can’t make you do something, but they can evoke a behavior you may still need to do something about. Which to me translates into great news: we are always capable of better outputs and thus, better outcomes.
I met up again with the entire group on a Thursday evening with the absolute highest of hopes. Deshawn had spoken with not one but two of her exes, and Courtney teased through text that she had a lot to share.
“Okay, who wants to go first?” I said as I excitedly passed out cookies like it was my first day as a Girl Scouts troop leader.
“I’ll go because I don’t have anything,” said Maya. “I tried messaging my last situationship on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and I did not get a response. But he fell in love with me and I didn’t return his feelings, so he might be still hurt.”
I wasn’t sure about that reasoning. If an ex who I loved but didn’t love me, gave me the opportunity to express my feelings about the relationship, I’d take it. I thanked Maya for her efforts and encouraged her to reach out to an old friend or coworker if she was still interested in gaining feedback. Cherise raised her hand to go next. She had met up with her ex in person, which was great. The downside, however, was because Cherise had been single for so long, it had been a decade since she’d been in a serious relationship with this man.
Back in the 2000s, their relationship was on and off because he was in jail for a significant amount of it. He described himself in retrospect as emotionless and apologized for that as well as the rampant cheating. According to him Cherise was an excellent listener, spoke his love language (even though he didn’t know what that was), was emotionally unstable at times, independent, not demanding enough (which he attributed to why he cheated since she let him run wild) and he believed she had changed but only after he got incarcerated.
Although their conversation wasn’t timely, it did provide ample insight into why Cherise had become the way she was today. With her parents gone, her religious beliefs abandoned and her heart broken repeatedly, it was understandable why she may have taken on her me-against-the-world persona.
Deshawn raised her hand to go next.
“I contacted two people and they were both very, very nice, but one thing that I did get from them is that I’m a terrible listener. That’s something they were both adamant about.” She giggled. “So there was that, but neither of them had a foul taste in their mouth about me and we kind of just parted, not because I did anything wrong.”
I prodded for her to elaborate, surely after two calls there was more to say, but she deferred back to her final line: they couldn’t really pinpoint what I’d done wrong. Okay, how was it possible that so far, none of them was doing anything wrong? Either I had stumbled upon a group of unicorns who were chronically single because they were simply too awesome, or there was a dose of delusion in the air. Courtney apparently saw what was going on and decided to raise that dose to a bona fide heaping.
“My biggest fear in doing this is that I didn’t want anyone to think that I was trying to reattach because I reevaluate relationships once a year. So, when I reached out to one ex, I think he thought this was his yearly review time and he just latched on, so I stopped communicating. And when I reached out to someone else, he was very honest and said, ‘I don’t understand why you’re asking me this because you explained everything that was going wrong with us. I was wrong and you were right.’”
“So, were you able to have a conversation with anyone?” I asked.
“Yes, I asked a third person who did participate.” She smiled. “The conversation went how I knew it was going to go: ‘Courtney, you were fine, you were everything to me!’ The only thing he said I could have done better is that I was too quick to react. Then I asked him, ‘Is there anything else you want to say to me now, because you’re going back in my block box?’ and he said nope, that’s it. I forgot to put him on block and I woke up to him pouring out his heart all over again in fifteen text messages.”
The women erupted into laughter and hoots, eating her story up like candy. And to me, that’s exactly what it was: high-fructose corn syrup, artificial coloring and no nutritional content.
I crossed-examined the witness. “So the majority of the relationships you’ve had, you’ve ended because of something they did wrong, it’s nothing you did?”
“Correct,” she replied.
“So, your issue is more partner selection versus partner maintenance?”
“Correct. Wow, that’s exactly it! You put that into words so perfectly, that’s exactly it!”
“I’ll go next,” volunteered Stephanie. “I actually didn’t speak to my ex directly, Shan did it for me. It’s funny because what you just said to Courtney really hit home for me.”
I held my breath and tongue to see where this was going.
“Like, I know this is meant for me to be reflective of myself but after listening to the recording of the call I couldn’t help but think all of the reasons he gave were kind of him-focused. So, the problem was with him, not really with how I treated him. But at the same time, he said some good things. He said I was a good listener, but I don’t really talk about myself and multiple people have told me that. So that’s something I need to work on, but I do think on the other hand it has more to do with him.”
“Yes, yes,” encouraged Courtney.
“Another thing he said is I was too quick to give up on the relationship, which makes sense because I’m such an idealist and if someone does something wrong, I’ll be, like, I don’t think my soul mate would do that! So, I never thought about that, how hard it can be to be with someone who is constantly threatening to end the relationship. But yeah, those are the major takeaways I had.”
That was all the confirmation I needed. Although this exercise had broken ground, they still needed to drill harder to get a good look at their foundation. Stephanie’s ex Fred had said a wealth of insightful things that I too had noticed in her, but those aren’t the things she chose to hear. The criticisms she highlighted could easily be spun into positives: don’t talk enough about yourself = selfless martyr. Idealist = high standards of gold. Even in Courtney’s and Deshawn’s experiences there actually was constructive criticism, but they were both so adamant on protecting their egos that they glossed over those parts.
Readers, I hope that when you do this activity, you will avoid the temptation to inflate the compliments and downplay the criticism as the group had. Although of course it’s better to focus on the positive in life, this exercise is specifically designed to help you understand what you should consider working on in order to have a dramatically better love life in the long run. Because if someone doesn’t understand their role in love lost, they will have greater difficulty finding the real thing.
Finally, Pricilla took the floor and at first, she began like everyone else. “The guy I reached out to almost didn’t work out because he still wants to be with me. So instead of meeting up, we agreed to email because it would be too painful for him to see me.”
But then in a stunning change of direct
ion, she revealed a series of very vulnerable and applicable things she had learned about herself.
“He mentioned that in the beginning I was really optimistic but toward the end I shut down. And as soon as he said that, I realized I do that in other relationships I’ve been in. Once my sense of security in the relationship has been shaken, I do shut down completely. Then at that point, the relationship becomes all about me and my need for reassurance.”
She went on to describe how her anxious-preoccupied behavior got the best of her common sense. She wanted constant validation in private and in public. They’d often argue about how frequently he posted about her on Twitter and she found herself obsessing over how their relationship appeared from the outside.
“And I get a little bit crazy if I feel ignored,” continued Pricilla. “I start getting very anxious and I stop thinking straight. He did say that I was a little needy, which I am. I told him once that he reminded me of my mother and that’s why he brought that side of me out. But I don’t wanna get into that because it’s gonna make me emotional.”
Too late. Pricilla was dabbing at her eyes and breathing deeply. All our hearts went out to her.
“The main thing I took away is that when your relationship is being tested, that’s not the time to shut down and I do that a lot. I realize that I’m never going to make a relationship work if I’m too afraid to put in the work.”
“There’s so many things I didn’t say, now that I’m hearing you talk,” said Stephanie.
We all gave Pricilla the comfort she needed for her emotional release. Although the activity had drudged up old pain, I knew that breakthrough was the start of an exciting future.
The Game of Desire Page 8
