The field trips we were about to embark on were all about practicing what we’d learned thus far, plus, I decided to add an extra twist. We would also be testing out four psychological theories related to seduction. The purpose of this extra tactic was twofold: first, it made way for us to potentially learn some new hacks and second, it turned a high-pressure activity, like approaching playmates, into a low-risk game. I considered this low risk because the group didn’t really have anything to lose; if, for example, they tried a seduction technique and it didn’t work, they weren’t the one being rejected, the theory was! Having a covert mission that calls you to do a bit of acting is a sure shot way to numb the nerves because all of a sudden, an activity that is traditionally all about ego now has almost nothing to do with you.
After I had written out my hypotheses, I wrote the group and explained the four different experiments we would be testing out together:
Truth or Stare.
Do women need to start making the first move?
Love Potion Number Vagine.
Can your own vaginal fluids serve as bait, to draw in playmates?
Don(u)t You Want My Bacon?
Which perfume or naturally occurring scent is best at enticing strangers?
Hotcakes or Sweet Pie?
Do you get better results looking hot and behaving introvertedly or looking dressed down and behaving extrovertedly?
I then made it clear that they did not have to do all four, but I did want them to sign up for at least one. Deshawn had a pre-planned trip to London for Nottingham Carnival and Maya also had travel plans, so they warned me of their dodgy attendance. Stephanie and Pricilla also shared possible conflicts and admitted that some of these experiments were too much so they’d rather sit a couple out. Courtney, who was proving to be more open by the day, emphatically volunteered to attend them all.
EXPERIMENT ONE
* * *
Truth or Stare
QUESTION
Do women need to make the first move?
HYPOTHESIS
If a group of women go out and make themselves approachable for half the night and actually approach for the other half, then we can assess which method is more effective.
RESEARCH
According to OkCupid, women are two and a half times more likely to get a response than men if they initiate contact.1 One out of every three straight League couples started with a woman messaging first.2 However, most women do not send the first message.
APPARATUS
Five women, in two distinct locations, choose four targets each: two people they will approach and two people they will make themselves approachable to. They will then compare which technique was more successful.
HOW TO DRAW A CONCLUSION
Assess the quality of our connections when we approach vs. when we appear approachable.
* * *
This experiment, although the tamest, was the one that made me feel most conflicted. I have long upheld the women-should-not-make-the-first-move rule. But recently, I began to seriously question how much I actually abided by it. Sure, I’ve never outright asked for someone’s number, but I’ve done my share of sliding into people’s comment sections and I’ve never been a stranger to striking up a “casual” chat with someone hot.
By 8:40 P.M. Courtney, Stephanie, Pricilla, Deshawn and I were piled into a booth at a local Mexican restaurant ready to find some answers. Maya was away and after we ordered drinks, I learned that the rest of the women wished they were with her instead.
“I am really terrified of this,” said Stephanie as she looked down.
“Yeah, this is pretty much my worst nightmare,” echoed Pricilla, who wore tight jeans that showed her ample assets in a way that she hadn’t flaunted, or I hadn’t noticed before.
“You would both think that,” said Courtney, “being personality twins and all.”
This was something we had discovered during the Self-Summary Workbooks. Stephanie and Pricilla were both INFPs on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Although in the beginning it was hard to see any parallels, as they both rarely volunteered any information about themselves, as time had gone on it was impossible not to notice.
“Well, I’m not an INFP but I’m also scared shitless,” said Deshawn.
“Today is going to be easy. The sooner you get over your fears and go for it, the easier it will get,” I said. “The goal is to answer the question, do women need to start doing the approaching or is making ourselves approachable just as effective? This isn’t about you, it’s about the experiment.”
“What do you mean by ‘approachable’ again?” asked Pricilla.
“Making eye contact three times and pointing your pelvis toward someone,” answered Stephanie.
“Smiling, walking by them slowly, staying on the outside of a group—oh, and thinking sexy thoughts,” added Courtney.
I raised my eyebrows and nodded, surprised and proud that they had retained that information.
“And approaching? What are we supposed to say?” said Deshawn, still unconvinced.
I paused, hoping for more volunteers, but this time there was none, so I took it: “Remember Nina’s advice, keep it weird or sexy but because this is our first time practicing, just ask anything that comes to mind. We’re going to a record store first so there’s tons of natural topics there. Don’t overthink it, the worst thing that can happen is that they brush you off.”
Everyone’s eyebrows bolted upward.
“Okay,” I continued. “Like Ari said, the easiest way to get over your fear of approaching people is to be confident that you have something incredible to offer. So tell me two of your perks from our job-listing exercise that you can repeat in your mind as you walk up to someone.”
Pricilla and Stephanie shifted back in their chairs. Deshawn reflexively looked down. Even Courtney had suddenly become fascinated with the menu again.
“Nobody remembers theirs?” I asked.
“I somewhat do,” began Deshawn.
“Great, I can help you out,” I interjected. “You make great, what?”
She remained silent.
“Eggs, right? Scrambled eggs, to be specific.”
She laughed. “With cheese.”
“And you give great head,” I added.
“Blow jobs,” she corrected.
“Now repeat that back.”
“Uh, I make great eggs with cheese and I give great blow jobs?”
“Exactly! I want you to repeat that in your brain any time you’re feeling intimidated or unsure of yourself. You’re also intelligent, adventurous and faith oriented—use any two of those. Courtney, what about you?”
“Let’s see, which one of my job perks stood out to you?” she volleyed back.
I peeped her game, but in support of the attempt I played along. “That you know people’s friends and family will love you. Your turn, what’s a sexy perk you can add on to that?”
“I’m also incredible at giving massages. I know how to make people melt in my hands.”
For Stephanie we came up with: I’m a great listener and I sound like a phone sex operator. And for Pricilla we chose: I am highly empathetic, and my boobs are real.
When we got to the record store everyone split up. For the first few minutes all we did was walk around the aisles and awkwardly wave at one another. Sensing they needed time to find their groove, I moved to the back section where I spotted a cute-enough guy wearing a graphic tee and khakis sifting through records. Like in the movies I positioned myself directly in front of him and began riffling through the titles. He glanced up: one. I moved diagonal to him and hummed a tune. He cocked his head for a nanosecond: two. I moved into the same aisle as him and turned my feet in his direction. He looked up at me and then stood there smiling for a while before he waved with his chin then walked the other way. Approachable: 0.
I walked back to where the rest of the group were circulating and convened with Deshawn, Stephanie and Pricilla in an aisle between funk and
house.
“Everyone is either focused on buying something or on their phone. Being approachable is useless!” exclaimed Pricilla.
“There was this hot guy upstairs listening to music and we were all circling him like hawks; he never even looked up once,” added Stephanie.
“And what about approaching?” I asked.
“I did approach a guy and asked him about horror movies,” said Stephanie. “But it turned out he works here so then I had to follow him to the section and fake like I was going to buy something.” She held up a couple of DVDs as evidence.
Just then two attractive guys walked past us. I asked the obvious. “Who’s getting that?”
Stephanie looked at Pricilla and threw her hands up. “I already approached someone!”
“You just admitted that he worked here!” said Pricilla.
“I’ll go,” offered Deshawn.
It didn’t even occur to me to ask her. We all stopped and watched in amazement as she made one small step for flirting and one giant leap for herself.
A few minutes later Courtney joined us. “Y’all, I just got rejected from this big ol’ man wearing a small-ass T-shirt. Some people are so rude.”
“Deshawn is over there holding a full conversation with these two hot guys,” shared Pricilla.
True to Pricilla’s word, the woman who once said that she was terrified of flirting now had the attention of two high-interest playmates. Deshawn laughed, smiled and gestured—I even saw her touch one of their shirts! The rest of us stood back and basked in her flirtatious glow.
The second location we went to was a bar up the street and by the time we got there, the wait time to get to the rooftop was indefinite. We decided to make use of the fact that a ton of other people were also hanging about on the lower level.
“See that guy at the bar?” I asked, pointing once his head was turned. “I’ve caught him looking at me twice already. I’m going to walk by him slowly and lock eyes. If he doesn’t take that as a hint to come over, I’m officially giving up on approachable!”
I walked by him, we held each other’s gaze, then . . . nothing. I decided to make lemonade and found a vacant corner table, then waved the group over.
“He didn’t say anything, huh?” confirmed Courtney. “All right, let me go talk to him.”
She walked over to the all-stare-no-action guy and struck up a conversation. Two greasy onlookers took note that the remainder of us were now cornered and swooped in. The first introduced himself then proceeded to pull up a chair at our table without asking for consent; the second stood back and stared down Pricilla.
“What are you drinking?” he asked her, licking his lips and massaging his hands like tonight was the first time he ever saw boobs.
“I’m okay, thanks,” said Pricilla as she looked away.
While buddy ogled Pricilla’s goods, we chatted with his friend, who wasn’t half bad or perhaps just not half as bad. A few minutes later, Courtney rejoined us and said polite hellos.
“Nice guy, but a long talker,” she whispered to me. “I guess guys really do get excited when they are approached. Anyway, who are they?”
A waitress came over and dropped off five drinks. We all looked around confused but found clarity as we noted the creepy guy was now creepily smiling.
“We’re ready to go, right?” I asked.
“Yes!” said Pricilla the loudest.
Once we got outside Stephanie closed off the night with the perfect anecdote. “Approaching people is scary, but if those are the only kinds of men that approach, I can definitely face my fears. It’s kind of nice to be in control of who you get to interact with.”
When I got home, Jared was already in bed. “How did it go?” he asked as he threw a heavy arm over me.
“It was fun but I’m not sure about the conclusion. No one made any real connections so it’s hard to say if approaching is any more effective in the long run.”
“You already did this experiment. We wouldn’t be here if you didn’t approach me.”
I knocked his arm off. “What? You made the first move when you DM’ed me!”
“Right, but only after you followed me, liked my pictures for weeks then left me that long-ass birthday comment.”
Maybe he had a point . . .
The next day I woke up to a text Pricilla sent in our group chat:
Ladies I just wanted to share something. Last night I ended up initiating contact with this guy I’ve liked for a while. Typically, my nerves would get the best of me and I’d get in my own head and not be my complete normal self . . . But you’ve given me such sweet words since we met, and I literally repeated them to myself before walking into his house. I even repeated that I’m empathetic and my boobs are real several times. Lol. To my surprise my nerves calmed down tremendously, and I was able to engage more in conversation and be my normal kinda funny self and feel comfortable in my own skin.
Conclusion
It’s time for women to start making the first move. If women would like to have a say in who they interact with, they need to speak up. If you date people in the queer community, there are no hard rules on this issue, which is an even better excuse to create ones that benefit you. OkCupid’s Melissa Hobley, The League’s Meredith Davis, our flirt-expert Ari Fitz, Nina “The 6-Figure Stripper,” and dating coach JT Tran all gave this advice—and now, in light of this experiment, I would too.
EXPERIMENT TWO
* * *
Love Potion Number Vagine
QUESTION
If you make the scent of your vaginal fluids prominent by applying it to your pressure points, will it make you more attractive to those in your immediate vicinity?
HYPOTHESIS
If copulins are used as perfume, then it will attract anyone traditionally attracted to women with vulvas.
RESEARCH
The term “pheromone” is derived from the Greek words pherein, meaning “to transfer,” and hormon, meaning “to excite.”3 Thus pheromones transfer excitement. Pheromones are chemical molecules released to trigger hormonal changes and elicit behavioral responses from others. These signaling molecules are contained in body fluids such as genital secretions.
APPARATUS
Four women will attend a crowded bar wearing no perfume or scented products. For the first half of the night, the women will strike up casual conversations. Then, after successfully connecting with two strangers, the group will head to the bathroom to apply their vaginal fluids to their necks, chests and wrists. They will then circulate the bar a second time and spark new conversations while noting if there is any visible difference between their interactions.
HOW TO DRAW A CONCLUSION
Assess if the application of vaginal fluids made people subconsciously move closer.
* * *
Soho House West Hollywood is a private club that overlooks all of Los Angeles. It is a Zoolander-esque spectacle every weekend, and that Saturday was no exception. Stephanie, Deshawn, Courtney and I stood at the top of the stairs and stared at the herds of people who spoke too loudly and dressed even louder. Maya was still away, and Pricilla, who was weirded out by the idea, respectfully chose to sit out.
“So now what?” said Stephanie as she tugged at the shoulders of her shirt.
“We’re testing if our vaginal fluid draws people in. So in order to do that, we have to talk to people without, then with it, to compare.”
“Okay, what do we say to people?” asked Stephanie, who was hypnotized by the busy bar.
“Remember Nina’s tip? It’s a bar so talk about the temptations.” I took a step forward so that I was in the line of traffic, then tapped a handsome guy on the shoulder. “Excuse me, can I see your watch? That’s so crazy! I just saw this at the store and was thinking of buying it for my dad. Was it a gift or did you spoil yourself?”
We chatted for a beat, then he kept it moving. I turned back to the group and gestured, your turn. The three of them dispersed into the crowd and I went in the o
pposite direction to keep out of their hair. Luckily, I saw a couple of friends at the bar then went and joined them. Ten minutes later I excused myself to check on the group and almost immediately ran into Stephanie.
“Are you done?”
“No,” she said. “I don’t know why but I can’t do this.”
“Stephanie, yes, you can. I’m not asking you to get someone’s credit card information, I am asking you to talk to someone. See that guy standing by himself on his phone? Ask him what drink is good at the bar? Ask him what’s so fascinating on his phone—”
“Okay, okay,” she said, then walked in his direction.
I headed toward the smokers’ area and spotted Courtney. “Are you done?”
“Girl, I’m more than done, I talked to, like, three men.” She gave me a thumbs-up then pointed behind me at Deshawn, who was once again flanked by two handsome dudes. I smiled until I noticed she was wearing flat sandals that looked like they were made for the beach, not the bar.
Heels just make a person stand different, straighter and firmer, so I like to think of them as a part of the uniform for playmate hunting. But hell—maybe they weren’t as important as I thought! Deshawn had apparently strutted over and captivated two strangers while standing on two glorified pieces of cardboard.
Stephanie joined us then and we all stood in Deshawn’s line of sight until she was done. When she walked over, we greeted her with a slow clap.
“Are we ready for round two?” I asked.
No one said anything, which I attributed to the fact that the bar had suddenly gotten louder. I motioned for them to follow me back downstairs and I suppose Deshawn’s flat shoes gave her extra horsepower because she nearly ran face-first into an unsuspecting passerby. Her hands flew up in embarrassment, she apologized, then sped past me and led the rest of the way down.
The Game of Desire Page 19
