But as she told me, her favorite improvement as a result of our time together occurred in the most unexpected place: “It wasn’t until this project that I started to see my motherhood as a strength rather than something I was low-key ashamed of because I’m young and unwed. But my perspective has changed so much and all I want to do is to show my son that having him young was NOT a mistake. I want to be a leader now.”
As for Steph, she’s just getting her whole life together and I couldn’t be prouder. She is still seeing the same guy and has been enjoying the process of getting to know herself in the presence of someone who adores her. Throughout their months of courtship, he has been persistent and forthcoming about his feelings for her, which, she admits, has taken getting used to. But the guy she’s seeing is probably the only thing that hasn’t really changed with Stephanie. She decided to move back home to save money and with that, she’s been able to hire a career consultant to help fine-tune her course, and a therapist to further explore the roadblocks that have prevented her from stepping into her greatness.
She has always been a lovely woman but now, she’s absolutely striking. Best of all, this change has been noticed by everyone around her. Namely, one of her exes, who recently texted her, I just wanna say, I can see your growth, your confidence, the way you carry yourself. You’re more sure of what you want, it high key makes you even more sexier/attractive on top of what you naturally are. I like the new Steph.
I must admit, so do I. But clearly, I love all the women from the group, and moreover, they feel the same about each other. Stephanie and Deshawn have been looking for a place to live together and Courtney and Pricilla have become accountability partners.
What began as the biggest project of my career has somehow become even bigger than I could have imagined. I knew at the outset I would see change in the participants, but if you asked me back then, “Do you think this work could spark a dating revolution?” I would have said, “I hope so.” If you asked me now? “Hell yes. This shit works!”
But before I send you off into the world to see how my five-phase program can transform you, it is worth noting under what circumstances I believe this program will not work:
First, this can’t work if you really think that it won’t. I am a firm believer that whatever you think is true, is. For example, if a kid believes there’s a boogie man in their closet, they might develop a set of rituals around that theory: the closet must be kept closed, no walking on the floor cracks and no going to the bathroom after lights out. Thus, after a while of consistently centering your habits around a belief, it stops mattering if it’s actually true or not because you’ve changed your behaviors to accommodate it. In the same way, if you think you are unlovable, chances are you’ve begun to respond to the world in a way that has made your fear real.
A lot of people subscribe to the scarcity model of love: an idea that there is a finite number of people who could be a match and even less time in which one must find them. But, with globalization, far less restrictions on who can love who and a roster of single people at your fingertips with dating apps, I just don’t see how you can possibly make that argument. That’s why I can say with absolute confidence that you are not excluded from finding romantic love. Despite having never met you, I don’t just think, I know there are several someones out there for you. And now that you know the secrets to making yourself desirable, that goes tenfold. So no matter how persuasive of an argument you can muster, do yourself a favor and stop allowing fear to get in your way. If you want this to work, start acting like you’re on your way to the feast. Again, I assure you that there is a chair vacant, just for you.
Second, this will not work if you try to use this system while surrounded by toxic individuals. As you just witnessed, one of the greatest strengths of the workshop was the community of encouragement, empathy and accountability that it was based in. Now, I’m not suggesting that you must surround yourself with a support group centered around your transformation as we had, but you do certainly need support. This work can be challenging, and it may lead to drastic changes that initially will feel kind of uncomfortable to you. If those closest to you are discouraging, poking fun or outright doubting your efforts, that makes it increasingly difficult to see things through.
Yes, on a microlevel, this program is about making you more attractive. But on a macro scale, it’s about becoming your absolute best, most vibrant, forward-thinking, flirtatious, positive, chemistry-concocting self in all that you do. And a large part of that has to do with surrounding yourself with people who are excited about the new you and accepting of the current one. I know the process of cutting people off is complex, but to simplify things, negative people are a lot like thongs: you don’t realize how far up your ass they are until you remove them. Trust me, you’ll thank me later for giving you that extra nudge to put space between you and anyone that makes you feel undesired.
If you don’t know where to begin to find a small community that will champion you on this quest, go to TheGameOfDesire.com for a ton of additional resources that can help you.
Finally, above all else, remember that when it comes to The Game of Desire, you were born to win (literally, we’re biologically engineered to create pair bonds). All I’ve done in this book is give you the tools and strategy to enjoy and have better, quicker results while playing. But there are no tips or tricks that can substitute or imitate that special magic that only you possess. Courtney, Deshawn, Maya, Pricilla, Stephanie and even Cherise all came into this with the same natural spark that they left with. The bulk of the work I’ve done was in cleaning up the debris around that light so it could shine as bright as it was meant to. No, this is not the part where I backtrack and tell you that the secret ingredient is in fact to just be yourself. But, I do believe that if you know who you are at your core, what you want and who you deserve, you’re more than ready to become one of the few who master this game and have a blast while playing it.
Skillful seduction is not a gift bestowed on the beautiful, it’s a series of learned behaviors acquired by the bold. So now that you’ve completed this book, what’s stopping you from getting out there with your bold, bad self?
Acknowledgments
In October 2017, I sat in Drake’s penthouse that was so damn close to Toronto’s CN Tower he could’ve set up a zip line. We chatted about the usual stuff you’d want to talk to freakin’ Drake about, but then, midway through my line of questioning (that was probably about Beyoncé), he cut me off and asked one of his own: “Where is your book, Boody? Like, why haven’t you written something yet that empowers women to play their cards?”
For a second, I was stunned. Then I shrugged it off and switched the topic because little did he know, this was a tender spot for me. My first book had been released in 2009 when I was twenty-four. Back then, I’d told myself I’d write three more before thirty. But, there I was at thirty-two, with no additional books or intentions to start one. The next day I told my manager Adam Krasner about the conversation and said something along the lines of, “Maybe this time next year, if my numbers grow substantially, we can start brainstorming.”
But little did I know, Adam’s wheels had already been turning, and he used this latest bit of info to go full steam ahead, behind my back. A few weeks later he set up a meeting with my now literary agent, Brandi Bowles from UTA. Then, after a couple months of persistent peer-pressuring, I came up with an idea that we all felt confident enough to take out to publishers.
So I’d like to kick off my acknowledgments by saying thank you to faith and vision. Although in this case I can’t take credit for it; Adam, I’m pretty sure you can. They say people are the sum of the five individuals they spend the most time with, but I am the product of twenty times that number of great minds who have collectively thought twice about me. Thank you to all the agents at UTA, teachers, mentors and lawyers who have helped to clear the path toward my purpose, even when my fear had other plans. Your positive impact on my life was my consta
nt inspiration for what I wanted to offer others with this book.
Speaking of this book . . . my freakin’ girls! Courtney, Deshawn, Maya, Pricilla and Stephanie—I know we have had a billion lovefests where this has all been said, but I love you so much and thank you for all the lessons I have learned through your trust, vulnerability and wisdom. I don’t believe that I will fully comprehend how special our time together was until all of my hair is gray, but in short, know that I had the best year of my life and that is in large part to you. I leave this experience with a body of work I am so insanely proud of, and a group of friends I am proud to stand beside, and behind, whenever need be.
Also big thanks to all the experts who devoted their time to changing these and so many other women’s lives: Dr. Barry Goldstein, JT Tran, Daniel Hyun Kim, Ari Fitz, Nina Ross, Crystal Greene, Nicole Thompson, Laura Jane Schierhorn, Makeba Lindsey, Meredith Davis, Melissa Hobley, Talya Macedo and Matt Barnes! You brought something so special to this program that transformed this into a one-of-a-kind powerhouse dating book. Big up, yourselves, I owe you one or two!
When this book was in its infancy stage, a sentence I repeated to whoever would listen was, “I want this to be the greatest thing that I have ever done!” Thankfully, HarperCollins was one of those who listened. I could not have asked for a more passionate and thoughtful partner on this project. Never once did I feel like this book wasn’t as important to Lisa Sharkey and her team as it was to me, and that is saying A HELLUVA LOT! Thank you to my editor, Anna Montague, for her thoughtfulness, expertise and patience. This book came from my heart, found its legs with the participants, but only hit its stride thanks to you. I also wanna shout out everyone on Dey Street who gave their time to making this great, including Lynn Grady, Ben Steinberg, Nyamekye Waliyaya, Maria Silva, Kendra Newton and Maddie Pillari.
In that vein, I HAVE to show love to my crew of junior editors: my sister, Lauren Morrison; my mom, Olivia Boodram; my dad, Brian Boodram; and my OG L.A. homie Margarita Rozenbaoum. I legit do not know how I would have finished this without you.
At one low point (which every storyteller I’m sure has) I said to my sister, “Read it and when you’re done, lie to me and tell me that it’s the best thing you’ve ever read. Please.”
Two days later she phoned and said, “It’s the best thing I’ve ever read.”
Of course, I knew she was lying (my sister has read at least half of the Pulitzer Prize list), but the off-chance that she wasn’t, was a good enough boost of encouragement for me!
Oh, and you know I can’t talk about encouragement without shining the light on ALL of my luvas and friends out there. To every stranger who has ever clicked a video, turned up the volume on their TV to hear me out, liked a post, or most of all to YOU who bought this book (if you’re just borrowing it from someone, please stop reading . . . kidding), THANK YOU! I know people thank their fans all the time but that isn’t what you are to me; you are life-givers and teachers. Everything I’ve been able to accomplish is because you said yes to me first and not a moment goes by that I don’t forget that. I hope that the knowledge you’ve gained from this book is a suitable token of my undying appreciation for your sexy ass.
On that sexy note, J, shout out to you again. I already gave you the dedication at the front, so I’m not gonna go overboard, but honestly, you’re the shit. Plus, you’re sitting right beside me as I type this and I’m probably gonna ask you to read it in a second, so I figured a second thanks can’t hurt. Maya Washington you slayed my author photos and served as my accountability partner throughout, I’ll never forget that. Thanks Kevin Wade for your incredible makeup artistry, Makeba Lindsey for hair and Talya Macedo, as always, for styling.
A final nod goes to Neil Strauss, a man who I have never met but whose life’s work has made a profound impact on me. Neil is famously the author of The Game, but his work that really rocked my world was Rules of the Game. Never before had I seen such a clear-cut and spot-on guide to finding and keeping a romantic life that is worth its weight in gold. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. If this book makes a tenth of the impact that your books have, I’ll give up orgasms for a year. Well, maybe not . . . but for sure, I’ll be pretty chuffed.
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Notes
Introduction
1.Nancy Jo Sales, “Tinder and the Dawn of the ‘Dating Apocalypse,’” Vanity Fair, September 2016, https://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating.
2.David Brooks, The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character, and Achievement (New York: Random House, 2011), xii.
3.“America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2014,” United States Census Bureau, last modified May 4, 2018, https://www.census.gov/data/tables/2014/demo/families/cps-2014.html.
4.Jon Birger, Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game (New York: Workman Publishing Company, 2015), 3, 54.
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