by Leela Ash
It was silly, because he hadn't even left her yet, and Jax was one of the most capable people she had ever met in her life. That was probably the only reason she wasn't insisting with all her heart and soul to aid him in the journey. She was more afraid that she would be a burden than a blessing on a journey this important to him, and something inside her knew that it would be best to stay put. She wasn't sure why, but that was the overall feeling that she had about it.
As Jax began to stir, she hardened herself to the reality. He was going to go out alone and she had to make sure he felt like it was okay. She couldn't have him abandoning his goal or needlessly risking his life – or hers – just because she would miss him for a little while. She had to believe that he would be back and he would have closure about what happened to his brother. Nothing bad would happen to him – at least… probably not. And she had to pretend that she was okay with being left alone to fend for herself and to protect their little home.
Jax was still naked when he walked out of the bedroom and she took in the beautiful sight of his body with an aching heart. She couldn't imagine waking up alone without seeing his face or having the chance to touch him any time she felt like it. That thought was terrifying, especially not knowing if he would ever be back. She knew she had to trust in the greater good, and resolved to keep herself strong as Jax slipped from the doorway to her side, looking from her to the bag in confusion.
She knew that the decision had been stressing him out and so she had decided to act for herself so he wouldn't have to worry about it any longer. She would just have to give him her blessing and hope that it worked out for the best.
“What's all this?" he asked.
“I packed a bag for you. You can add anything you want. I already made a list of what's in there so you won't have to unpack it. I figured it would save you some time.”
“Wow. I don't know what to say,” he said, grimacing. It was clear that he was reluctant to leave the warmth of their home, but what choice did he have? “Thank you. I guess the sooner I leave the sooner I'll be back. Or maybe we.”
“Yeah,” she said, smiling through her pain. He noticed that her happiness wasn't sincere and he frowned.
“Would you be all right if I brought Jonathan back here with me?” he asked, walking to the closet in search of clean clothes to dress.
“Of course,” she whispered, laughing through her tears. They had been threatening to spill over all morning, and now they were falling down her cheeks, leaving her vulnerable and broken for the first time since they'd met. Jax rushed across the room and scooped her up in his strong arms, and she allowed herself to sob against him, gripping him tightly.
All that time she had been alone. She'd fooled herself into thinking that it was okay, that it was what she wanted. But the reality was that she had been so lonely; had needed to trust and love someone else so badly. And then she'd found Jax, and now he was leaving into the dangerous world they'd worked so hard to survive in and find a way out of. She wasn't sure if she would be able to make it.
“It's going to be all right,” Jax promised. “You'll see. It probably won't be any longer than a couple of weeks. I'll go fast. Maybe find a bike to fix up to make it go faster. I promise, if I see one I will.”
“If you do, keep your eyes open,” she said miserably against his shoulder. The bikes were sometimes more dangerous than being on foot. She felt him nod and groaned. She hated goodbyes. Even before the virus hit, they'd felt far too formal, like a looming threat of finality. Now, after the virus, every goodbye seemed eternal.
“I'm not going to be gone forever,” he said, as if he were able to read her thoughts. He pressed her against his body, kissing her sweet, rose scented hair. The chemist in her had been clever enough to use the rose petals from the bushes outside the cabin in a hair rinse that she'd mixed herself, and she always managed to smell intoxicating to him. He couldn't believe he was doing this. How could he leave someone who meant everything to him?
“It's just that...” she broke down, unable to finish her thought. She didn't know how.
“It's all right,” he soothed her. “I know.”
They hugged for a little while, until Layne's sobbing quieted down. When he pulled away, she saw that even his dark eyes were watering. This sobered her up. If he felt too bad about leaving he would resent her, or worse, want to stay and miss his chance to find his brother. She had to be strong. For both of them. She would keep the homestead safe, continue growing and storing food and curing meat for jerky and long term use, and Jax would find his brother and come back with him – or at least find out what happened. It would be all right.
“Hey...” she said, not wanting to bring up the subject of whether or not his brother was dead but sure that it was a possibility and one they needed to account for. “If it turns out he's been gone too long... you know...and you find yourself losing places to look...come home, all right? I need you here. And we can figure out what to do from there together.”
Jax darkened at the thought, but nodded seriously.
“If it seems like a dead end, I'll come back. Maybe give myself a week or two to find closure about it, but no longer.”
“That's fair,” Layne said stiffly. A week or two sounded like an eternity. And just how long was it going to take for him to get to Al's settlement?
“Look,” he said, pulling her into another tight hug. “I won't be gone any longer than I have to be. I promise. If my dipshit brother has taken off again, I'll find him eventually. It doesn't have to be during the winter with my wi – with you here.”
Layne smiled warmly. Jax had nearly called her his wife. Of course, there weren't many people around to enforce the biblical view of marriage, not in the sense that they had before the virus struck. Marriage was another old concept, but she knew she felt closer to Jax than she had ever felt, or would ever feel, to anyone else. If marriage were an official option, she would have married him in a heartbeat.
She looked over at him and felt herself panic, seeing that he was pulling on his clothes, stuffing his hands in his coat pocket to make sure his utility knife was still there. In old times, he would have been checking for a wallet. Cash and driver's license. Keys to their little abode. Oh, keys!
“Here,” she said, running to the small table by the door and thrusting the keys at him. He looked at them uncertainly.
“Don't you need these?” he said, frowning. “To lock up while you’re tending to the garden?”
“That's ridiculous,” she said. “I just need to lock it from the inside while I'm sleeping. I'm going to be fine, I've been doing this survival shit as long as you have. Why do you think I'm still around?”
He pulled her close to him, kissing her forehead and brow, down her cheeks, to her ears.
“Because you're brilliant and talented and too gorgeous for the Earth to lose,” he said between kisses. She melted in his arms, forcing herself not to think about how long it might be before she felt his body against her again; heard his voice, his sweet compliments and temptations.
“Well, whatever the reason, I've made it this long and you don't have to worry about me. I'm not just some idiot bimbo. I have a huge shot at making it through just about anything. And still find a way to get buzzed.” She grinned, referencing her beer making talents, and Jax laughed. She'd packed him two bottles; one for sipping and another to trade just in case he needed anything. She left a note on them, covered it in secret kisses so whenever he touched it, she would be near him.
“All right, I know you're too amazing for this world, but please tell me more,” he teased.
“It's all right. The sooner you get out of here the sooner you can get back and hear all about my many talents.”
“I'm sure it will be riveting,” he said, his dark eyes sparkling. His eyes were the funniest thing, Layne thought. Sometimes they seemed black as night and other times, clear and bright as day. They were flecked with so many different colors, and they so changed frequently with his mood
and the lighting that she didn't know what color would have been listed on his state license – back when he would have one. What did he consider his eye color to be?
This suddenly seemed a burning and important question; something she had to ask him before he left. She gripped his hand hard and he drew his eyebrows.
“What's wrong?” he asked, pulling the rucksack over his shoulder.
She wanted to ask him, to know more than anything. It was such a small, stupid thing, and if he never came back, she would always wonder...but no, she couldn't think like that. He would be back. She would save the silly question.
“I'm going to miss you,” she said with a heavy sigh. “But I'm so happy that you have a chance to find your brother.”
Layne smiled bravely at him, her beautiful face shining with pain and the deepest of love.
“You won't have to miss me for long,” he said with a reassuring smile. “A month at most and then I'll be here. You won't even remember I was ever gone.”
They kissed tenderly, and with that, he was out the door.
Chapter 5
Jax walked as quickly as he could, pausing to seek out signs of the community trail. The first one had been easy. It wasn't a very long distance away from the homestead and Jax sighed, hoping it wouldn't bring too much foot traffic past. If it did, Layne might be in trouble before he made it home.
There was only one rifle that they'd found at the homestead, and he had insisted that she keep it. He had his knife and his wildly good senses and strength. There wasn't much more he needed than that. He'd had some combat training in Hex and was prepared for any challenges he might face.
He was grateful for the closet full of old clothes that they'd found. The long underwear would keep him warm once the temperatures dropped, as he knew they would before long. He was already chilly and zipped up the coat. He didn't like how bulky it was or how it might impair his movement, but there was no other option. He had to keep going and find the community where his brother had last been seen. He kept kicking himself for not asking Al how far away the settlement was. From the looks of him, half-starved like that, it would have been at least a week's journey or more if Al hadn’t been smart with rations. But Al seemed smart or else they wouldn't have sent him on a mission like that. It must be further than he thought. Maybe a three-week journey. If that was the case, he had already lied to Layne and felt a desperate pulling to be back in their cozy little home beside the fireplace, touching her and laughing, or chopping firewood. Anything but being away from her for so long. It was daunting to imagine his life missing her for even one night.
He was going too slow. If he could run, he should. It would make the journey go faster. It might draw extra attention to himself, but he didn't care. The sense of urgency in his chest was burning harshly and he knew he would have to give in to it or suffer the tedious, exhausting agitation that would accompany his slow pace.
And so he began to jog, slowing down to a walk when his legs felt tired or he heard a noise. He had learned to run soundlessly, but it was still harder to be cautious and aware of your surroundings if you were moving too quickly. It was something he generally avoided unless he was in danger and he got an immediate kick of adrenaline every time he started running. His capable body could go on for miles and he began to relish the taunt, burning his muscles experienced as he slowed.
The first night without Layne was awful. She'd been his rock and support for so long that, although he was exhausted, he was unable to get a restful sleep. His senses would be dull the next day because of this, and so he said a silent prayer that the dangers would be slim.
When he woke up, he had a hard time finding the next tree that Al had marked and groaned in frustration. Was he off the trail already? But just when he was ready to give up and head back to Layne, the tree miraculously appeared in front of him. He'd begun to figure out that the way the L was pointing showed the direction he was supposed to move in. The long end of the letter was pointed to the left, and so he followed it to the next tree, which pointed right.
He paused. Was Al fucking with him? What if Layne was right and this whole thing was a conspiracy? What if the tribes just wanted to separate them so they would be easier to pick off?
But no, they had to assume Layne would stay with him. Maybe she was the one who was in true danger and the homestead was surrounded by predatory Jackals as he was running away from it. The thought chilled his heart and he had an impulse to go back.
But as he turned around, the image of Jonathan popped into his head. The last time they had seen each other, the sad smile on his brother's face. The pang of loneliness that he felt after he left, gripping his multi-use knife tightly and the picture that he had kept in his back pocket, the one he had hidden away from Hex when he found out that they burned all the mementos left over from before the virus.
He pulled the picture out then, the picture that had meant more to him than anything. His big brother Jonathan had always been one of his idols, and on his seventh birthday, Jonathan gave him the thing that he cherished the most - his dirt bike. Nobody knew why or what had compelled him to give his little brother his dirt bike. He wouldn't be able to get another bike for at least another two years, because he would be old enough by then for a new, bigger one. The best that money could buy. His parents had warned him of this as Jax stared at him, disbelieving of the tremendous gift.
But Jonathan had been firm and pushed the bike over to his little brother.
“I'm going to teach them how to ride a bike myself," he said decidedly. “That way, whenever he is on one, he'll remember me. I think that's a good gift, don't you?”
His parents had simply nodded, their young son's depth and wisdom overwhelming them. His parents were proud of Jonathan and they set up the tripod so that they could have a picture of the family together; Jonathan and his father steadying the bike and holding Jax up right on it, and his mother beaming into the camera with a loving gaze toward her two sons. That was the family that he wanted to remember. Not the illness, and not the separation afterward.
He couldn't give up on Jonathan. His brother had always been there for him, right down to the last minute. Except that time when he had been lured in by the temptations of the flesh and the intimacy that it promised him. Unfortunately for Jonathan, the cult that he had been a part of was after him and he had to make a break for it. Jax had refused to go with him, knowing that they had been freaks from the start. He was bitter at his brother for leaving him alone to fend for himself and ended up finding people at Hex to replace his need for a family.
The memories burned at his heart and he tucked the picture away. He would find Jonathan – no matter what the cost. And so he kept walking and walking; as far as his legs could carry him. He would do whatever it took. Including zig-zagging through the trees to discover each ‘L’ that would point him in the right direction.
***
It had been two weeks since Layne last saw Jax and she had to admit that she was feeling a little bit stir crazy from it. At first she had hardly been able to sleep, but gradually she began to stretch out on the enormous bed and fall into a routine that allowed her to keep her mind away from the man who was missing from her life.
She had a survivor's instinct, hardening herself to the possibility that he might not come back for her. Maybe he would find his brother and stay with him, or maybe he would be killed. Or maybe he wouldn't even be able to find his way back to the little homestead. All of these were distinct possibilities. She only hoped that if he did get lost, maybe Al would be able to guide him back to the homestead from the community where he was heading.
But hope it wasn't something she allowed herself to waste much time on, and instead set to work making the cabin as cozy as possible. She had to admit that she had a homemaker's streak, enjoying every chance that she had to put her hands into the space and create a unique and comfortable feeling within it.
She tried not to eat too much, knowing that winter was coming soon. She h
ad found about twelve Mason jars in the cabin and decided that she would preserve some of the fruit and vegetables for as long as she could. The solar power and wind power that was connected to the house made it possible for the refrigerator and freezer to work. She couldn't believe their luck, but without Jax, she didn't feel as safe, even in their sheltered little house. She knew she would defend their home with her life, and she wasn't sure that was something she was willing to do.
Although it was exhausting having to survive on her own without the comforts of four walls around her and knowing that the tribes would be lurking about and looking for prey, it had been safer in ways because she was never off her guard. It may have been difficult and stressful for her mental health, making her paranoid and jumpy, but it had also kept her alive for this long. She would be on her toes in her little house, not sleeping soundly in her bed. There were no traps outside her doorway to alert her to noise or predators. It was something she would have to work on while he was gone.
She decided to go out and gather the peaches from the tiny orchard before they started to rot, scooping them carefully off the ground and taking what was left over on the trees. She would make a jam, she decided. Maybe a jelly or some sort of dessert with them. She could keep some in the freezer and share the dessert with Jax when – no, if – he came home. She would have to be content with whatever happened, even if the last goodbye that they shared had been for good.
