by Coralee June
“I like it here.”
Tallis opened his mouth to respond. We were on the cusp of something big here. Could I admit that I was growing to like the idea of courting him?
The sound of a ringing Tablet interrupted us.
“Are you going to answer that?” I asked with a smirk. Tallis leaned back and patted around him.
“Cyler gave it to me,” he explained while shuffling through his belongings before pulling out a Tablet. “I’m not used to having one,” he chuckled, and once again, I was reminded of how different we were.
Tallis stood and walked a respectable distance away before answering. While he was preoccupied, I took a moment to truly observe him. I took in his long legs and wind-swept hair. With my eyes, I traced each visible scar on his bare torso.
“My brother is too nice, you know,” a cool voice said, and I whipped my head to the left. Mia was decked in her usual leather get up and had plopped down beside me.
“What do you want?” I asked, picking the paint off my nails. Something about his sister rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps it was her friendship with Ashleigh.
“I want him to be happy.” Mia sighed. “You know, it should have been me to go through the Chief trials. My brother is fearless and fierce. He’d kill anyone or anything that threatens his people. But he’s really got to work on that guilt thing,” she said softly. I wondered if she regularly made it a habit to chat up random strangers outside her social circle.
“Now, normally I don’t make it a habit to befriend bitches, but I love a good redemption story. I think you and me…” she began while gesturing between us. “…could be great if you stopped acting like you’re better than everyone.”
“Did you come here to insult me or…?” I asked. If I wanted to feel bad about myself, I would go back to the Black Manor.
“I came here to tell you that I don’t approve of you and Tallis, but I don’t really have a say in the matter. Might as well befriend you so we can get past the awkward hate stares from across camp,” Mia said while brushing her hands on her pants.
“Oh—Tallis and I aren’t like that. He just walks me back to the Dorms at night.”
“I know he walks you to the Dorms. I’ve had to cover his evening guard shifts since you showed up in your stupid dresses and shitty shoes. I mean, really… Who works in the Gardens wearing that?” Mia waved her arm up and down at me incredulously.
“Someone with a sense of fashion. Obviously, you don’t know what that means. You wear trousers, for God’s sake.” I shuddered. "What was the point of you talking to me, again?" The paint on my thumbnail was now completely gone, it looked naked and sad next to the flashy crimson red my other nails wore. Slowly but surely, they were each being stripped bare.
"Why does there have to be a point? Sometimes I just talk to people. You should try it sometime. I'm Mia, by the way. Last time we spoke, I was too busy saving your life, and the time before, I think you referred to me as that 'filthy Scavenger.’ Figured you'd like to have a name to go with your prejudice."
I took a deep breath and tried not to scream profanities. "Look, I'm not saying I necessarily like you. But you caught me in rare form that day. And I'm not a fan of Ashleigh's," I replied with a shrug.
"That's one shitty apology, babe. But I'll take it, we can work on it later. Oh, and by the way," she said while standing up. "You really should consider just moving here. Nikketa is about ready to kidnap you anyway.”
I considered her offer for a moment.
"Thanks, but I don't think so. Besides, I could probably fit my entire wardrobe in one of your dwellings," I replied with a smirk.
"Yes, well it would be a shame to lose your ridiculous clothes and gain a home,” Mia replied, walking off just as Tallis hung up his Tablet and headed back towards me. I rolled my eyes at Mia's retreating form, which made him smile.
“What did Mia want?” Tallis asked while holding out a hand for me.
“I don’t even know," I mumbled. "She just asked me to move here,” I added with a shocked tone. Was it common practice for Scavengers to randomly invite complete strangers to move into their camp?
"Wow. Really?" Tallis asked.
"Yeah, it was rather strange."
"She must like you. Mia is mostly a loner, except with Agrio and Huxley."
"I doubt that. She probably was coerced by someone," I said, poking Tallis in the ribs. I kicked the dirt beneath my feet and inhaled the smell of smoke, a scent I had learned to associate with the Scavenger camp.
"I think you're not happy at the Walker Dorms, Agapimenos. Why stay where you aren't happy?"
I bit my lip. I wanted to explain why I was restricted to the Walker Dorms, but it felt too personal. I wasn't ready for Tallis to see that part of me.
"I kind of have to stay there, but let's not talk about that now. Can we find Gordon? I want to yell at him some more.” I stood up and stretched my tired legs. Surprisingly, I felt at peace here, despite spending all night in emotional turmoil about Jacob and chasing after Gordon. Maybe Tallis was right. Maybe I should seek my own happiness—my brothers be damned.
"About that, I think it’s best I speak to him alone. We have a lot to work through, and you have a habit of stealing the show, beautiful girl," Tallis winked. I saw through his attempt at flattery.
"Luckily for you, compliments are my weakness. Go talk to him, maybe I'll see what kind of trouble I can get into. Can..." I began with a cough. My shoulders dropped, and I felt my confidence slip. “Can we maybe have dinner together?" My voice lifted obnoxiously high at the end, and I wanted to slap myself in embarrassment.
Tallis leaned in close and placed both hands on my shoulders. "I'd love to have dinner with you tonight, but Cyler has called a leadership meeting. I need to be there," he explained. “Maybe you could come with me? It would be a great opportunity to announce our courtship.”
“I-I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”
Tallis frowned as I pushed a stray hair behind my ear. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard that the salty taste of blood filled my mouth. I knew it was ridiculous to be so withdrawn and difficult. But a courtship was a big deal, and Cyler’s words last night still haunted me. It wasn’t just the embarrassment of dating a Scavenger, it was the fear that Cyler would tell Tallis everything. That Tallis would see just how terrible I actually was.
Tallis didn’t see me as the woman that ruined her family. He didn’t think I was unlovable, or cruel. With him, I had a clean slate. A courtship meant so many things. Most of which I could handle. But revealing my past to him was one boundary I couldn’t cross. What if I dove into a relationship, just to have him leave me like everyone else had?
“What are you so afraid of? Isn’t this worth it?” Tallis grabbed my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist.
“I need more time. Just let me think, ok?” I grabbed my small bag.
“Don’t leave, Agapimenos. Stay— let's spend the day together. I can give you the time you need.” Tallis tone was filled with frantic hopefulness. I wanted to say yes, but it was all too much.
"I can’t." I turned and started my walk back to my lonely, empty room. Slow tears spilled down my face as I walked, focusing on my pounding head and not the pain in my heart.
A loud whistle that made the hair on the back of my neck stand, blasted around me. I turned back around and Tallis took six large steps before he was in front of me. He put two hands on my cheeks so that I was forced to look into this bright blue eyes. All around us, Scavengers who were doing their daily chores stopped to stare, but Tallis’ hold on me was unwavering.
“I’m not sure what just happened, but I want to make something incredibly clear, Agapimenos. I want to spend time with you. I want to learn more about the beautiful girl with a hardened heart and a soul that makes me want to wrap up in it and keep warm during the winter,” Tallis said in a melodic voice that broke me.
“I’ll wait however long you need, Ok? I’ll take whatever you’re willing to
give me, but just consider that this could be more, please? For my sake?” His eyes roamed my face and it took all the willpower I had not to let a tear fall. I sucked in a deep breath as he leaned a little closer. “You can go if you need to. Process what you’re feeling. But come back to me, and let's try again.”
Chapter Fourteen
I was moping, alone on the floor of my small room later that evening, when a harsh knock on the door pulled me out of my dim thoughts. Becca was off somewhere, probably harassing Kemper. I shuffled to the door and was surprised to find Cyler on the other side.
“Hey, you have a minute?” he asked in a gruff voice. I didn’t reply, but moved aside to let in. His bulky frame took up the entire room, and when he sat down on my cot with a wince, I couldn’t help but smile.
“God damn, this is what you all sleep on? I’m ordering new beds right now.” Cyler whipped out his Tablet and began furiously tapping away. Once done, he shifted uncomfortably while looking around the room, as if avoiding the conversation.
I observed him for a moment. Even though something was obviously bothering him, there was a lightheartedness about him that I hadn’t seen before. It was probably that little Walker of his.
“Maverick’s mad at me,” he finally said.
“Are you sure it isn’t just his face? He’s got that depressed grizzly look going on,” I said with a snide smile. Cyler laughed and I flinched. It was so rare that we spoke, I didn’t know how to react. Once the laughter faded, he scooted forward and rested his forearms on his knees. I prepared for the bad news.
“Our family is pretty fucked up, huh? I mean, last night, what Tallis said…” Cy rubbed the nape of his neck while drifting off. “Look, I—I'm sorry that I tend to see the worst in you. I think in a lot of ways I’m jealous.”
I openly gaped at Cyler now. Jealous? How on earth could he be jealous? It was always me pining after their group. I was the one left out. I was the one pushed aside and forgotten.
“You had it so easy,” he began, and I dropped my mouth open in shock. “I was thrown into the responsibility of taking care of an entire Providence, and you got to go off and do your own thing.”
I pondered his words for a moment but still felt unsettled by this revelation. “I liked school,” I shrugged. “I just didn’t like feeling forgotten. I didn’t just lose Mom and Dad, I lost you, too,” All the years of neglect and abandonment came crashing down on us as we looked at one another. Cyler was forced into a leadership role for a dying Providence, and I was left to navigate my grief alone.
“I-I didn’t realize you felt that way,” Cyler said with an exhale. I saw the hint of guilt in the way he slumped his shoulders. “I thought I was keeping you safe. I’ve been so busy running Dormas…”
“...that you forgot about me?” I finished for him.
“I took the easy way out by sending you off to school. Jules, I care for you, regardless of what you might think.”
“I didn’t realize you needed an ‘out’ with me. I thought we were a family. I thought we could do this together.” I picked at the paint on my nails and tried to not fidget. “I want to sit here and hug and makeup, but I don’t think that's ever going to happen with us. I don’t think we’re ever going to be a normal family,” I said in a somber tone, standing up. “But maybe we can try to be cordial? Maybe one day, when you aren’t worried about saving the world, and I’m not off being a selfish brat, we can meet in the middle and have a contest of who can go the longest without insulting the other.”
“I can do that if you can stop harassing Ash. She’s important to me. Important to us.”
I sat there for a moment, soaking in his words and assigning a feeling to them. I still didn’t like her. She was so annoyingly perfect and captivated the attention of everyone within a ten-mile radius. It was sickening. But there was something more important to me than jealousy:
Redemption.
“I can do that.”
Cyler threw me a grateful smile while standing, too. He made his way towards the door, and I was relieved by his departure.
“Uh, do you think you could check on Maverick?” Cyler asked while looking at the floor. I was flooded with memories of our childhood. It was a vicious cycle. Cyler would piss Maverick off, then ask me to talk to him. Then I’d say something cruel, and he’d go back to talking to Cyler. I was the greater of two evils in the scenario.
“You want me to piss him off so he’ll like you again?” I asked with a frown while sighing. And here I was thinking we were making progress.
“What? No! Is that what you thought I did all those times as a kid?” Cyler asked, defeat marring his face and guilt creeping in on the edges of his eyes. I doubted his sincerity.
“What else could you have been doing? It's a familiar cycle, Cy. If it's between you and me? I’m the greater of two evils.”
“You’re a pain in the ass, absolutely, but I ask you to talk to Maverick because you’re the only one that gets him to stop moping. You challenge him. You piss him off, yeah, but you also bring him back.”
Cyler looked sincere, but I still couldn’t believe him. Surely, I didn’t have that much power over Maverick. Maverick and I would have to actually talk more for that to happen.
Cyler seemed unwilling to stay any longer, we were breaching the line of civility, and he needed to retreat—fast. His shuffling feet seemed eager to flee this space and all the unsaid problems between us.
“I’ll talk to him,” I said softly, and Cyler let out a relieved sigh as he left the room.
It was a short walk to the Clinic, but I took my time getting there. I knew our meeting would end in the inevitable argument. He’d complain about my priorities. I’d complain about his absentmindedness. We’d both end up leaving feeling distant and hurt, but he’d forgive Cyler, at least. I decided to take a different approach this time. One that didn’t require screaming right off the bat.
I opened the door and, unsurprisingly, found Maverick hunched over his desk while wearing a deep-set frown. I coughed, which made his eyes drift to mine.
“What are you doing out past curfew?” Maverick asked. He didn’t seem angry, though. Only amused. “You know Kemper will throw a fit.”
“I’m here on a special mission, actually,” I said while pulling a basket out from behind my back. It absolutely killed me to do so, but I grabbed one of Ashleigh’s chocolate cakes from the Walker Dorms to bring to Maverick. I just prayed word didn’t get back to her. I didn’t want Miss Perfect to know there was something about her I liked.
“Is it poisoned?” Maverick asked jokingly.
“No, but I did dip the forks in toilet water. Come on, let's eat,” I offered while unloading two cake slices on the counter. I handed one to Maverick and he dived in.
“I really don’t want to talk about it,” Maverick growled while shoveling cake into his mouth and reviewing something on his Tablet.
“I haven’t even asked you yet!” I exclaimed with a smile. This was off to a great start. I made a bet with myself that I’d be kicked out of his clinic within ten minutes. “Well, what do you want to talk about?” I asked. Maverick wasn’t much of a talker. He was a worker. A thinker. A moper. “How about we talk about your need for a haircut?” I joked.
“How about we talk about you and Tallis?” Maverick countered with a smirk while chomping down on his cake. Touché, brother.
“Since when do you care about my love life?” I asked in frantic anger. I cursed my brash tongue. Maverick rewarded me with a wide smile full of chocolate cake. I just accidentally confirmed everything, and he loved having the upper hand. I could practically feel his calculating gaze seeking out opportunities to tease me. Maverick grinned as I gave him a mean look that said, ‘drop the conversation’, but he didn’t seem phased.
“I won’t pry,” he said while holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. I mean, you’ve always had certain standards.”
“You’re just afraid I’ll ask about As
hleigh,” I joked. Maverick was being surprisingly civil, and I liked it. I wondered if this time would be different, if we had broken the cycle.
“Excuse me, did you actually say her name without sprouting horns?” Maverick countered with a smile, and I almost felt guilty that my anger towards her was so obvious.
“I can be civilized, you know. You and Cy paid the good bucks for my tutorage.”
“Being civilized and being kind are two different things, Sis,” Maverick replied. Ah, there it was. The inevitable catch, the sly insult about my character. Too bad he was right.
“So, what were you and Cyler fighting about?” I asked, changing the subject. I was curious, and it was very rare that they trusted me with information regarding Dormas politics.
“We both want different things for Dormas,” Maverick said while shifting his Tablet and clicking a button. I sensed that he wanted to end the conversation, but I wasn’t willing to give up just yet.
“You and Cy have a bad habit of trying to control everything around you.”
“Cy’s methods of control are more deadly than mine.”
I looked at Maverick and scoffed. His red-rimmed eyes and pale skin indicated that he was so focused on finding a cure that he was neglecting himself again.
“Your addiction to control is just as dangerous. The only difference is, instead of hurting everyone else, you just hurt yourself.”
Maverick dropped his work and stood. Here it came, the blow up. The fall out. Maverick was mad and soon enough he’d go running back to Cyler to complain about me.
“I hurt others, too, Jules,” he said in an agonizing tone as his eyes drifted to the floor of the Clinic. I scrunched my brow down. Well this was different.
“I care because I knew. I knew Dad was sick and I didn’t stop him, Jules. I let him waltz into town. I let Mom run to him.”
I felt too hollow to experience the pain his words should have inflicted. I simply looked at my tortured brother. The grief and guilt completely broke him. I knew he was hurting, we all were, but I had no idea that he was carrying around this much pain.
