“Don’t you dare be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I know that, but it still hurts. The tears start again and they last until morning.
CHAPTER 36
The anesthesia wears off again, and I blink a few times to get the blurriness out of my vision.
“You okay, honey?”
Mom. She’s here, just like Dad said she would be. I glance over as she grabs my hand. She smiles, and tears once again fill my eyes. “Mom. You’re here.”
“Of course I’m here.”
“I thought I’d never get to talk to you again.”
She squeezes my hand tight. “And I thought I’d lost you.”
I give her half a smile. I don’t know what to say. How to act. I almost died in a horrible crash, yet here she sits. She’s looking at me like she always has. With love. She knows me. She loves me. She remembers me still.
At that moment, I realize how stupid I’ve been. Selfish, even. Putting my own needs before hers. Even if I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she has an incurable disease, she’s still here. She’s still my Mom. And I’m going to live every day like it’s the last thing she’ll remember. Because that’s all I’ll have when she’s gone. Memories.
I stare at our hands and take a deep breath. I have so much to apologize for. “I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m sorry for everything. I was just so … scared. I don’t want you to be sick. I don’t want you to … to forget me.” I choke on the last word, and the tears fall freely.
She brushes my hair out of my face. “I’m scared too, Emmy. You have no idea how bad.” She wipes a few of her own tears away and hands me a tissue. “But we just keep going. Keep moving and we’ll be okay. Both of us.”
“I know.”
“I want you to know that my mind isn’t gone yet. I have little memory lapses, forget stupid things, but my memories are still there. My brain still works. I know who everyone is, I remember things back when you were a baby.” She leans forward, her dark eyes bright. “I’m not going to forget you. I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” We both know she won’t remember me as the years go by, and I guess I don’t have to worry about that for a while. But still. The thought of that day coming fills me with dread.
She frowns, but the tenderness of her expression lets me know how much she means what she says. “I won’t forget you. As long as you help me remember, there’s no way I could.”
“I’ll try my hardest.”
“Just don’t ever avoid me again, okay? I’ve missed you more than you’ll ever know.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” I squeeze her hand again. “I love you, Mom.”
“Love you, too.” She leans forward and kisses me on the forehead. “You just get better, okay? Then we’ll talk more. I have a lot to tell you about the medications I’m taking, which are helping so far. And I really want you to come to a doctor’s appointment with me. So you can ask questions. Okay?”
“Okay.” And I’m serious.
“And don’t forget our girls’ nights. No blowing me off ever again.”
“Never again.”
She smiles. “We’ll have to do something extra special when you get out of the hospital.”
“Deal.”
She stands and heads toward the door. “Gavin’s been waiting to see you. I’m going to send him in, okay?”
“Okay.”
She’s gone for a second, and the door opens. Gavin walks in, a butterfly Band-Aid above his left eye. He walks over to the bed and sits down next to me. His eyes are red and swollen, and I have to think really hard to remember the last time I saw him cry. Besides last night.
“Gavin,” I say and reach my hand toward him.
He doesn’t take my hand, just puts his head in his own hands and starts to sob. “I’m so sorry, Emmy. So, so sorry.”
“Gavin, please. It’s not your fault.”
He wipes at his eyes. “I should have been paying attention. I should have—”
“Someone else ran the stop sign, Gav. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Still. I was driving. And now look at you. Your legs …”
I try to be brave, even though I’m having a hard time convincing myself of it. “I’m going to be fine.”
“I’m sorry, Emmy,” he says again. He leans forward, grabs my hand, and puts his forehead on my bed. I place my free hand in his hair, and he sobs until he doesn’t have any tears left.
CHAPTER 37
When you’re in the hospital, the days blur together. They’re long and boring and, to be honest, the hospital food sucks.
“Can you feel this?”
I glance at the doctor at the end of my bed. He’s putting hot and cold packs on my legs. “Warm.”
He nods and smiles. “Great. This?” He set the pack on my shin, and I feel the cold seep through my skin.
“Cold.”
His smile widens. “Perfect. Now, can you wiggle your left toes for me?”
I focus on my toes, telling my brain to make them move, and I’m surprised when they do. Barely, but they do. I suck in a breath and raise my hand to cover my mouth. “They moved,” I whispered.
He pats my leg. “I believe they did. Can you do your right foot?”
I stare at them and smile as they move back and forth. Not as much as the left, but it’s enough to make my heart quicken and my eyes fill with tears.
“Great job, Emmy. You’re making great progress already. We’ll start physical therapy as soon as we can and get you out of here. Sound good?”
I nod and lay my head back on the pillow. I glance down at my toes again and wiggle them for good measure, which makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. Mostly because I never thought I’d be able to do it again. Wiggle my toes. Something so tiny and simple. I think of how I took the use of my legs for granted every single day before the accident. Never again. I’m going to be more grateful. About everything.
A few hours later, I’m still reeling from the fact that I’m starting to feel things again so soon. Mom and Dad cried, of course, and I’m not gonna lie: I did too.
Cole hasn’t been to see me yet, which makes my heart hurt, but Kelsie has. She came the morning after the accident a week ago and has been here almost the entire time since. Right now, she sits on the edge of my bed with ten different colors of nail polish in front of her. She studies my toes as she applies each color with a shaky hand, since her other arm is in a sling, and finally looks at me with a smile. “Rainbow toes,” she says as she paints my baby toe red.
“I like them.” I try to wiggle them again to admire them, and they move, just a little. I smile.
When I look up, Kelsie’s staring at my feet. She hesitates and swallows before meeting my eyes. “I’m so glad you’re starting to feel them again. I can’t even …” she trails off, and I grab her hand as she turns her head away from me.
“I know, Kels. But I’m going to be okay.”
She nods, wipes the moisture from her eyes, and shakes her head while clearing her throat. “I’ll do your fingernails too if you want.” She picks up the blue polish and grabs my hand to set it down in front of her, sliding some polish on my pinky.
“That would be great. I’m so bored here. There’s nothing to do.”
I glance at the books on the table next to me. I can only read so much without giving myself a headache and having my eyes freak out. But the only way to let my spinal cord heal is to sit still. I can’t wait to start physical therapy.
“You heard from him yet?” Kelsie asks.
I know exactly who she’s talking about, so I shake my head.
“He won’t return my texts either. I wonder if he’s okay.”
I think of the last time I saw Cole. Just before they put me in the ambulance. He looked so … broken.
“I’m sure he is,” Kelsie says, though she doesn’t look me in the eye.
I miss him and have to wonder why he hasn’t come to see me. Maybe he’s
afraid of what he’ll see. Maybe he resents the fact that I might not walk again and doesn’t want to deal with it.
I don’t know.
“He’ll come around,” she says. She winces as she moves, her sling for her broken collar bone shifts a little.
“You feeling better?”
She laughs. “Don’t worry about me at all. It’s just a flesh wound.”
I raise my eyebrow. “Not really. It’s a broken collar bone. No flesh was injured.”
“True. I’m fine though. It’s feeling awesome.” She gives me a shaky fake smile.
“I’ll bet.”
“It’s crazy. The whole accident. Right?”
I nod as she stares at my toes. “We’re lucky to be here,” I say.
“I know.”
“Have you seen Gavin today?”
She looks up, a blush touching her cheeks. “He was here earlier. I saw him in the lobby.”
“Why are you blushing?”
She avoids my eyes, but can’t hide her smile. “No reason.”
“You like my brother!” I burst out laughing.
Her eyes widen and she almost falls off the bed. “No I don’t! Brothers are off limits. Especially when it’s your best friend’s brother.”
I laugh again at her horrified expression. “It’s okay, Kelsie. If you two didn’t notice each other, I was planning on getting him to ask you out anyway.”
She stares at me, the corner of her mouth turning up. “Really?”
“Yep.”
“He’s hot. That one.”
“Ew. That’s my brother you’re talking about.”
She shrugs. “You’re my bestie so I get to tell you everything. Including how hot your brother is.”
“Gag.”
She slides off the bed and puts the nail polish back in her bag. “I’m gonna let you rest for a bit since I’ve been in here all morning. I’ll see you in a little bit, okay?”
“Okay.” I smile, but I really don’t want her to go. It’s so lonely here, stuck in a stupid, uncomfortable hospital bed with nothing but soap operas on TV. “Thanks for the pretty toes.” She reaches out to cover them with the blanket, but I shake my head. “Leave them. They’re cute.”
“Of course they’re cute.” She smiles and heads across the room, but as she reaches for the door, it opens. My eyes grow wide at the person who enters, and my stomach flips.
Cole.
Kelsie gives him a quick hello, shoots me a look, and leaves us alone.
He lingers by the door for a second, his eyes on me only. “Can I come in?”
I can’t talk, so I nod.
He walks over to the bed and pulls a chair next to it before sitting down. He reaches for my hand, but I pull it away. It takes him a second to recover from that rejection, but his eyes don’t leave mine.
“You didn’t come,” I whisper.
He sighs. “I know.”
“Why?”
He hesitates a moment before running a hand through his dark hair. He leans forward after that, reaching for my hand again. “Truth. You scared the crap out of me, Emmy.”
My chest hurts again and I take slow deep breaths to calm myself. “Cole, I’m sor—”
“No. I don’t want you to apologize for anything. You didn’t do anything. It was all me. When I saw you trapped in the car, I … freaked. I’ve had nightmares about it. About you screaming my name and me not being able to help you.” He takes a shaky breath. “I couldn’t get you out. I’m so sorry. And then I didn’t know how bad you were hurt until I saw you lying on the stretcher. You were so … broken.” He puts his head in his hands and shakes his head. After a second, he looks up, his eyes shining with tears. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You of all people don’t deserve this.”
I let his words sink in and bite my lip to keep from crying, too. “Cole, I’m going to be okay.”
“But your legs.” He glances at my legs and I squeeze his hand so he’ll look at me again.
“My legs are okay.” I glance down at my toes and wiggle them again. They’re getting stronger. “See?”
“What?” A tear trails down his cheek, and my lip quivers. I never would have thought Cole Evans shed tears. Let alone in front of me. “You can feel them?” he whispers.
“Yes.” It’s all I can say. I clear my throat to stop the emotion rushing in.
He squeezes my hand so hard it hurts, but I don’t break the contact. “I thought …” He lets out a slow breath and shakes his head. “I’m so …” He sniffs and wipes away more tears. “You’re going to walk again?”
“They said I have a good enough diagnosis that I might walk again. And you know how stubborn I am. I will walk again. And …” I swallow the lump in my throat and meet his eyes. “I don’t care how hard it is to get there, but I’ll ride again, too.” My voice cracks on the last word and a tear slips out. “I’m going to ride again so my mom can see me race. She always wanted to see me race, and I want her to be able to see me before … before her disease takes over.” I close my eyes and take a few breaths to calm my racing heart. “I’m going to walk again for her. I don’t want her last memories to be of me in a wheelchair.”
He nods and brushes his lips against the back of my hand. “If anyone can do it, you can.” He glances at me, emotion still swimming in his eyes. “I know you can.” I smile as he leans forward and gives me a quick kiss. “And just so you know, I’m not leaving you. I’m with you one hundred percent. I didn’t come this far to turn around and leave when things get tough. I want to be with you, Em.”
I blink. He wants to be with me. He’s not Lucas. He’ll never be Lucas, but he’s Cole. My Cole. “Good.”
He smiles and touches my cheek. The small gesture is so tender I want to cry all over again. “We need each other. You and me. Truths and all.”
“Yes. We do.”
“Also, I need someone around to fix my bike when it has problems.”
“So, that’s all you need me for, huh?”
He chuckles. “Mostly.” He glances at my toes. “Those are … nice, Marty. Real nice.”
“So it’s Marty again, huh?”
“One more time. For old time’s sake.”
“Right.” We laugh as the door opens and my family plus Kelsie files into the hospital room. Mom holds an In-N-Out bag, and I start salivating as soon as the amazing smell hits me.
“Looks like you were right, Gav,” Dad says as he looks at Gavin and winks.
I frown. “About what?”
Gavin walks over and claps Cole on the back. “We knew Cole and Kelsie would be here, so we brought some extra food.”
“So does that mean you’re not mad if I hold your sister’s hand?” Cole asks.
Gavin’s eyes narrow on our hands, and then he shrugs. “As long as she doesn’t care if I ask out her best friend.”
I can’t help the grin spreading across my face. “Ask away.”
“Already done.” He smiles, though he looks embarrassed.
Kelsie beams next to him and doesn’t look embarrassed at all.
As I look around at my family and my friends, I feel at peace. Everything’s going to be okay. Even if it will take me a while to recover. Even if Mom loses more and more of herself. Her memories and thoughts. We’re going to be okay. Because after all is said and done, we’ll be together. We need each other. We’re stronger together. We’re family, after all. And I’ve never been so proud about that truth in my entire life.
EPILOGUE
The cool breeze caresses my skin as I stare out into the valley below. I pull my knees up to my chest and breathe in the scent of pine from the trees surrounding my spot. This moment right here. Right this second. It’s perfect.
Cole brushes some loose strands of hair away from my face and I close my eyes and lean into him as he wraps his arms around me, marveling again at how perfect this moment is.
I never thought I’d be able to come here again, but after a year of intense physical thera
py and training, I’m here. I’m back. I’m me again.
Mostly.
I think back on my year and remember all the small successes I’ve made. Stand with help for one minute. Stand without help for one minute. Take two steps. Take five. Walk across the room. Walk at graduation. Get on a bike and ride down the driveway and back.
I’ve done them all. Though, it’s taken time. And I’ll never ever be the same, physically, as I was before the accident, but I’m okay with that. I’m happy and alive. That’s what matters.
“You ready to head back down yet?” Cole asks.
I shake my head as he kisses my temple, sending goose bumps over my skin. “Just give me a few more minutes. Then we can go.”
He chuckles and settles his chin on the top of my head. “I’m not complaining.” He squeezes me tight. “It’s nice up here today.”
“I know.” I sigh and spread my legs in front of me. The legs I thought would never work again. “I love it.”
“And I love you,” he says, kissing my temple again.
I smile and lean into him. So much has changed. I’m in love with a boy who loves me back. I’ve finally let Lucas go, though he’ll always be a part of my life. A part of me. You never forget your first love.
Cole kisses the top of my head. “Kelsie’s gonna kill us if we’re late, you know. She made me swear I’d get you back on time.”
I think of my best friend and Gavin, waiting at the bowling alley for us. “I know.”
He chuckles. “You get to suffer her wrath then.”
“It was your idea to go for a quick ride in the first place.”
“I merely suggested it. You’re the one who put your bike on the car.”
He’s right, but I won’t admit it that easily. “You’re the one who talked me into it. And you know I can’t resist a good bike ride.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“You ready for your race tomorrow?”
I nod. “My mom’s coming. It will be the first race she’s ever seen me ride in. Cool, huh?”
“Yep. She’ll be proud of you, I’m sure.”
“I hope so.”
Mom’s still not perfect, but she’s not worse either. It may be a long time before she gets there, but I’ll relish every moment I have with her until that day comes. I promised myself I’d never shut her out again.
Switching Gears Page 20
