by Cindy Brown
“Dang,” I said to the now sticky-wet fireman. “I’m so sorry, I was trying to…”
I trailed off, not wanting to explain about the ass-troturf.
“It’s okay,” he said, standing up and wringing out the hem of his t-shirt. “Somebody threw up on me yesterday.” He grinned at me and my heart thumped under my bath sheet.
“Can I get you a paper towel? I’ve got some…” I wrinkled my nose at the thought of my burned-out kitchen. “I think my paper towels may be, um, gone.”
“How about dinner tonight instead?”
Wow. I should wear a towel more often. Not only was Jeremy the best-looking guy I’d ever seen, but he seemed like the poster boy for the Phoenix Fire Department. Definitely nice.
“I’d love to, but I’ve got rehearsal out in Surprise.” The most startling thing about the westside suburb of Surprise was how long it took to drive there from central Phoenix. “I’m in The Sound of Cabaret.” Jeremy gave me a blank look. “It’s a world premiere, a combination of The Sound of Music and Cabaret. I’m an actor,” I said helpfully.
“How about another night?”
I hesitated. We were ten days from opening our show, and all of us non-union actors were rehearsing every night until then.
“Never mind.”
The really nice, best-looking guy I’d ever seen shrugged and started down the stairs.
My phone chimed again: “Client left.”
“Jeremy, wait.”
He turned and gave me a small smile. Phew, I hadn’t blown it. “Let me make a quick call.” I called my uncle. “Wasn’t the meeting supposed to start in five minutes?”
“Yeah. But it was…” My uncle blew a breath into the phone, a horse-type noise. “Let’s just say it wasn’t important after all.”
“So I can come in late?”
“Late-er,” Uncle Bob said. “Yeah, okay.” He hung up.
“Maybe we could grab a bite right now?” I asked Jeremy. “I haven’t had anything to eat, and I could really use a cup of coffee.”
He looked at his watch.
“I could do that,” he said, showing me his dimples again, “as long as you don’t mind a slightly funky-smelling fireman.”
“Give me a few minutes to figure out my no-clothes dilemma.” I scooted up the stairs to my neighbor’s apartment. Tiffany was already at work, but I knew where she kept a key. She was about my size and I was sure she wouldn’t mind if I borrowed some clothes, given the situation. As I padded in my bare feet to her apartment, I thought again about sitting on old moldy fake grass sans underwear. I felt all creepy-crawly, like when you see a spider and your skin crawls with imagined bugs.
If I hadn’t been thinking about Astroturf and spiders and dimples, I might have given more thought to the meeting I’d missed. The meeting my uncle misdiagnosed as unimportant. The meeting that could have saved a man’s life.
CHAPTER 2
I had that sort of euphoria you get from a narrow escape, plus a nice breakfast with a very nice fireman (eggs and pancakes with a side of dimples). So I was caffeinated and sated and generally happy when I finally made it to my uncle’s office downtown. It wasn’t noon yet, but I could tell Uncle Bob had eaten his lunch because the smell of liverwurst and onions hung in the air like a bad belch. Something else was in the air too.
“What the hell?” My typically easygoing uncle slapped his big hands down on his metal desk. “Thank God you missed that meeting, or I would have had to explain that…what you’re…” His words tangled up with his anger, he nodded at my chest.
I’d rummaged through my neighbor Tiffany’s drawers and found just one clean pair of jeans and one t-shirt. Both black. The shirt was emblazoned with a skull that shone like it was wet. Snakes (or worms?) writhed out of its eyeholes. Its open mouth said, “Suicide Rocks!” Tiff was in a Goth phase.
Uncle Bob stood up from behind his desk. “What in the Sam Hill were you thinking?”
“This was the only…”
“Olive!” Uncle Bob was never this cranky. Maybe his liverwurst had turned. He poked the air with a finger. “Go. Change. Now.”
“Into what? My clothes all smell like smoke and chemicals.”
“So do you,” he mumbled, turning away.
I went to him, squeezing behind his desk so I could see him face to face. “Listen, I’m sorry about the meeting. I tried to make it, but…” I stopped. Uncle Bob’s face matched his fuchsia Hawaiian shirt and his lips were pressed tightly together, like he was holding something in. He caught my eyes for a moment, turned away again and cleared his throat. I sat down in his wheelie chair and reached for his hand. “Is something wrong?”
“Other than the fact that I’m pissed as hell at my niece whose stupidity nearly got herself killed today? Nope. Nothin’ wrong.”
“But you weren’t mad when I talked to you this morn…” I stopped. Maybe he’d been hiding his anger earlier. Maybe he’d been in shock. Maybe he’d had time to understand what almost happened. It didn’t matter. I held his hand tighter. I wanted to say, “I love you. I love you for worrying about me, and even for getting mad when you’re scared.” But we don’t say that in our family. What I said instead was, “I’m sorry.”
“It was stupid, Olive. All because you couldn’t wait for a goddamn cup of coffee.”
“I know. I wasn’t thinking.”
“And from now on?” he said, his voice slightly calmer.
“I’ll think, I promise. Scout’s honor.” I held up three fingers. “Even in the morning.”
“Okay,” he said, blowing out a pent-up breath. “Now, go change.”
My cellphone rang. Tiffany. Perfect timing. Maybe she had a clean shirt hidden somewhere. I hopped out of Uncle Bob’s wheelie chair, and walked to the corner of the office to take the call. It was more a matter of courtesy than privacy, since the office was only about ninety square feet.
“Hi Tiff,” I said. “I was just going to call—”
“Omigod, Ivy, there was a fire!”
“I know.”
“And I think it was arson.”
“What?” Tiffany’s pronouncement didn’t worry me. I may have been the actress, but she was the drama queen. Still, I wanted to make sure there wasn’t something to her theory. “Why do you think that?”
“Because someone broke into my apartment. I think they set the fire as cover. I called the police, and they’re coming over and—”
“Whoa. Tiff—”
“They stole some of my clothes, and even went through my underwear drawer. Pervs.”
“Uh, Tiff,” I said, “that was me.” I had gone through her underwear drawer, but didn’t take anything. All she had were thongs. They tickle my butt, and I’d had enough of that for one day.
“You took my Suicide Rocks concert shirt!”
“I really needed some clothes. All my stuff is in my apartment, and I can’t get—”
“I need that shirt now. Damien’s picking me up in a half an hour.”
“Do you have something else I can—”
“And bring my black jeans too!” She hung up.
Dang. I had planned to offer to do her laundry in exchange for a clean outfit. And I’d hoped to sleep on her couch for a day or two.
My uncle, the eavesdropping PI, said, “Sheesh. Don’t think you got to finish one sentence. Reminds me of that interrupting cow joke.”
“What?”
“Your phone conversation. Reminds me of that joke. You know, knock knock…”
I did know, but I played along, glad Uncle Bob was in a better mood. “Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrupting cow wh—”
“Moo!” Uncle Bob laughed at his own joke, then tossed me his keys. “Go to my house, and see if you can find something that’ll fit you.”
&nb
sp; That’s how I (five foot four and about a hundred and twenty-five pounds) ended up at rehearsal that night in a pair of rolled-up drawstring sweats that typically fit a six foot two, two-hundred-and-fifty-pound guy. I also sported an extra-large t-shirt from Oregano’s Pizza that said, “Legalize Marinara.”
“Should you be advocating the use of that drug quite so publicly, dear?” asked Bitsy as I walked in the stage door at Desert Magic Dinner Theater. The sixty-something actress looked at me like she’d just spotted a large sewer roach. I didn’t know if it was the thought of pot that put the look on her face or my lack of fashion sense. Bitsy was resplendent in a pink pantsuit with embroidered daisies, her white hair teased to perfection, and her real face hidden behind an entire counter’s worth of Estée Lauder. Her lipstick matched her outfit perfectly. Perfectly.
“Marinara is actually a red sauce, you know, for pasta and…” Bitsy walked away before I could explain. Oh well. I trotted down the hall to the greenroom (the actors’ break room) to wait for rehearsal to begin. I’d just joined the rest of the cast when my cell rang. I started to turn it off when I recognized the number.
I picked up. “Hi, Mae.”
“Thought you oughta know that fireman was right. I can’t evict you.”
“Great. Thanks.”
“But you can’t come back until we’ve cleaned up.”
“Okay.” I wondered if they’d mop the floors. Maybe even clean the bathtub.
“And then of course we have to tear out the asbestos your little fire uncovered.”
“Asbestos?” I said, a bit too loudly. Several cast members looked at the ceiling of the greenroom when I said that. I did too. It was a possibility.
“And renovate your entire apartment to the tune of a hell of a lot of money. Nice, huh? You burn down your place and we have to pay.”
I was about to say something about the benefits and responsibilities of ownership but wisely held my own counsel.
“So how long before I can move back?”
“At least two months.”
“Two months?”
“That’s right. And your rent is due on the first. Of next month.”
“But…”
“Do you want to keep the apartment or not?”
“Yes.”
“Rent check to me by the first.” She hung up.
Two whole months paying rent on an apartment I couldn’t live in. I wondered if Mae’s scheme was legal but didn’t have time to deal with that right now. Right now I had to find a place to live.
I wondered briefly if I could stay at the theater. There was a couch, a kitchen, and a bathroom. Even more, it felt like home. Every theater I’d been in did. It was funny, but I was most comfortable in my own skin in a place where I pretended to be someone else. I’m sure a therapist would have a ball with that, but I felt lucky I’d found my tribe.
I was seriously considering the stowaway possibilities when Candy MoonPie skidded into the greenroom, brown curls bouncing. Everything else too. Candy was the most voluptuous woman I’d ever seen in real life.
“Nearly didn’t make it in time.” She was still in scrubs from her care center job. “The new aide they hired is useless as tits on a boar.” Originally from Louisiana, Candy loved to southern it up around us westerners. She also loved MoonPies, hence the nickname. She gave me the once-over. “Hon, you ever seen ‘What Not to Wear?’”
“Had to borrow Uncle Bob’s clothes.”
“Ah,” said Bitsy, who hovered nearby.
“Is your washer broken again?” Candy was really asking if I’d overfilled it with detergent.
“No,” I said. “My apartment caught on fire.” That was what I was going to tell people about my latest fiasco. Sounded like it was the apartment’s fault.
“What, like spontaneous combustion?” asked Candy. Hmmm. Maybe I could use that. “Maybe Marge has an extra tracksuit.” She glanced to the corner of the greenroom, where Marge Weiss drank coffee while talking to our producer. The busty, sixty-ish red-haired actress had a variety of tracksuits she used as rehearsal “uniforms.” Tonight’s was a velour number with “Juicy” embroidered across her ample bottom.
“Wonder if she has any extra underwear?” I was still sans skivvies. “Or maybe you do?”
“Clean?”
Eww. “Never mind.”
“Places for Act One in fifteen minutes, please,” the stage manager said over the PA system. Bitsy scooted out of the room.
“How about a place to stay?” I asked Candy. “Since my apartment burned down and everything.” I tried to look pathetic. It didn’t take much work.
“Hon, you do remember that I have a studio apartment?”
“I don’t take up much room.”
“And a boyfriend?”
Oh. Yeah. I could see where that could be a problem. Candy had been dating Matt ever since I introduced them at a performance of Macbeth last fall.
“Can’t you stay with your uncle?”
“He’s renovating.” I’d seen the mess firsthand when I dropped by to pick up clothes. Uncle Bob promised he’d move the lumber off the couch so I could sleep there tonight.
Bitsy reappeared beside me and handed me a little cloth bundle—a white cotton pair of granny panties, embroidered with “Bitsy’s Sunday Undies.”
“You can keep them,” Bitsy said. “I have a few extra pairs. I’ll just wear a Tuesday on Sunday.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll go put them on.” Granny panties were better than none.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder. “Did I hear you need a place to stay?” Marge bellowed. There was a reason she was known as “Arizona’s Ethel Merman.”
I nodded.
“Is this perfect or what?” she said to no one in particular and the room as a whole. “I got just the thing for you.” She hooked an arm around my waist. “Bernice, my neighbor here in Sunnydale, is going to New Zealand for a couple of months and her house sitter just bailed. She’s got a four-bedroom place right next door to me, real nice.”
“Wow. Great. Thanks.” Sunnydale was a retirement community just minutes from the theater.
“All you have to do is water her plants and take care of the pool.”
“Pool?” Oh no. I couldn’t breathe.
“It’s easy. You just check the chemicals and every so often jump in and untangle the hose on the pool cleaner. Hey,” Marge caught the panicked look on my face before I could hide it, “you can swim, right?”
I ignored the warning look Candy shot me and nodded.
I could do this. I really needed a place to crash, and staying near the theater in quiet, retiree-only Sunnydale sounded perfect. Besides, a swimming pool was just an innocent inanimate object that couldn’t do me any harm, right?
I didn’t believe it for a minute.
CHAPTER 3
Lord. Even Uncle Bob wasn’t up this early (though he did set the Mr. Coffee timer so I’d have a fresh pot waiting for me this morning, the big sweetie).
I settled my coffee in the cup holder and crossed my fingers as I started up my latest “new” car, a yellow ’64 VW Bug. Phew. It hummed to life. Guess it was in a good mood. The digital clock I’d stuck on the dashboard glowed green in the pre-dawn darkness: 4:40 a.m. Dang. Ten minutes later than I’d planned to leave. I was supposed to be at Bernice’s by five thirty. Maybe the lack of traffic (and traffic cops) would allow me to make it on time. I took a big slug of hot coffee, turned the radio up loud, and set my course for Sunnydale.
Thirty-five minutes later I whizzed past the theater. According to Marge’s directions, I was only a few minutes away. A couple more blocks and I turned onto a wide street flanked by golden rock walls with bronze letters. One side said, “Sunnydale!” The other said “America’s Favorite 55+ Community!” I had an evil urge to steal the exclamation marks. They’d look cool i
n my apartment.
I beat down my criminal impulses and paid attention to where I was going. I’d never driven into Sunnydale before. Not much reason to, unless you had a grandma living here. Sunnydale wasn’t your typical retirement community. It wasn’t a high-rise condo, or even a collection of retiree apartments. Though unincorporated, it was basically a city, with thousands of acres, its own zip code, and around 35,000 people, at least during the winter when snowbirds came to warm their old, cold Midwestern bones in the Arizona sun.
I slowed and drove down wide, well-lit streets with citrus trees trimmed like lollipops. From what I could see so far, Sunnydale looked a lot like most other Southwestern suburbs. Houses were single-family and one level for easy living, some ranch style, others with tile roofs and mock Spanish arches, mostly painted Navajo white, with desert landscaping and gravel yards. I didn’t see any grass. Guess people had enough of mowing lawns by the time they moved here. I glanced again at the address Marge had scribbled on my Sound of Cabaret script: 3837 S.W. Via del Toro.
There it was. The house sat on a nice wide cul-de-sac, with 3837 in big, easy-to-read numbers mounted on its stucco garage. I parked on the street in case Bernice was driving her own car to the airport.
I walked through a tiled courtyard where a gurgling fountain sang to the early birds. Fuchsia bougainvillea draped the walls, and the heavy romantic scent of an orange tree in full bloom permeated the air. Wow. And I got to stay here.
I knocked on the door. I could hear a low rumble from somewhere inside the house. Air conditioning? Nah, too cool out. Maybe it was the heater. The sixty-degree morning was pretty comfy for me, maybe not so much for the older crowd. I smoothed down the tracksuit I wore, courtesy of Marge, who kept an extra in her car. “In case I get too sweaty during rehearsal,” she explained.
I knocked again. Still no answer. I glanced at my watch. Just past five thirty. Didn’t Bernice want to leave for the airport really soon? I rang the bell and heard it echo inside. I put my ear to the door, but didn’t hear anything except the low thrum, which my sleep-deprived brain was beginning to shape into something more recognizable.
