by J. L. Drake
As soon as I was in mine, I closed the door and went straight into my bathroom, swiping my tears on the way.
I didn’t look at myself in the mirror. Instead, I kept my eyes away from it as I brushed my teeth and washed my face, removing the evidence of my crying.
After changing into my uniform, I mechanically combed my hair, feeling strange and weak. After so long I have had a break down. I almost forgot how it felt.
I was so lost in my happiness that I had forgotten the painful truth I’d been hiding from Alessio and everyone else.
I was still the enemy’s daughter. Alberto’s fiancée. I was an Abandonato.
Shaking my head at my own stupidity, I leaned against the sink as a new wave of tears assaulted me. I was in too deep and now it was impossible to go back now
Even if I tried to forget what I had with Alessio…I couldn’t forget. The memories were etched deep inside my heart and soul.
His touches. His gentle caresses. His soft and then possessive kisses. His sweet words. His enthralling bluish-steel eyes. Our moments together…I couldn’t forget.
Because I felt it. Every day. Every minute. Every second. I felt it deep inside my soul.
The tears ran down my cheeks and I brought a hand up to my mouth, covering the sob that threatened to come out.
Instead of escaping, I ended up trapping myself.
I cried for the gruesome memories that continued to assault my mind. And then I cried for the dreams and the future that I desperately wanted to hold on…but they seemed impossible.
After my tears had dried out, I stood up and washed my face again. I quickly braided my hair into a French braid and then stepped out into the bathroom.
But my steps faltered and I froze at the sight of Alessio pacing my room.
He must have heard me because he quickly swiveled around toward me, his shoulders dropping in relief. “You were taking so long. I got worried,” he said. He took a step toward me but stopped when I moved back. “Ayla?” His brow furrowed. “Don’t do this, Ayla.”
“Please go,” I whispered brokenly.
He shook his head and took a step toward me again. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Alessio, leave. Please. I don’t want you here.”
“No.”
Growing frustrated at his stubbornness, my head snapped up and I stared into his eyes. “Why won’t you leave me alone?” I screamed.
“I’m not leaving you alone like this. I didn’t leave you last night and I’m not leaving you now.”
“Alessio…please…don’t do this. I can’t do this now.”
Instead of caving in to my begging, he walked forward, stopping right in front of me. Alessio wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. “I’m not letting you go.”
My hands instinctively came up and I grasped his shirt tightly. “Why do you keep doing this?” I sobbed.
“Because I can’t have you go back into that dark place. I need you here with me,” he replied gently. He bent down, wrapping an arm around my waist and then behind my legs before pulling me up, cradling me into his chest.
I placed my head on his shoulder as he carried me to my bed. Alessio sat down, keeping me into his warm and protective embrace as he settled me sideways on his lap.
“Ayla, talk to me,” he said after a few minutes of silence. When I didn’t answer, he sighed, his arm tightening around me. “Please.”
“What do you want me to say, Alessio?” I whispered tiredly, keeping my face buried in his neck.
“Anything. Just talk to me. Don’t shut me out.”
“What do you want to know? You already know the truth, but if you want me to say it, I’ll say it. I was raped, Alessio. There. I was raped,” I said bitterly, harshly pulling away. I struggled, but his hold was tight.
He cupped my cheeks in the palms of his hands, tilting my head up to face him. “Ayla, do you know how strong you are? You are the strongest woman I have ever met. Your strength shines brighter than anyone else.”
“Alessio…” Never in a million years would I have thought that Alessio Ivanshov would utter such words to me. He gave me hope.
“I don’t know exactly what happened, and I’m not going to push you for more. You can tell me when you are ready. I will wait,” he said. “But please don’t shut me out. Don’t run away from me.”
We were both silent for a few seconds. He placed a kiss on my forehead, letting his lips linger there. “I didn’t expect you to say anything, but now that you have said it, please tell me who the fuck hurt you, so I can kill the motherfucker.”
I stared into his eyes.
They glinted with fury and such ferocious intensity that it took my breath away. I also saw the hurt and pain there.
But what surprised me most was that I didn’t see disgust. He didn’t look at me as if he hated me.
Remembering his question, I shook my head. His eyes lost the light there and he sighed. I couldn’t tell him.
I didn’t want this dream to end now. I wanted to continue living in this world.
“Ayla—”
“Please don’t ask me about him. I don’t want to talk about him. Please, Alessio.”
He stared into my eyes for a second before reluctantly nodding. “Okay. When you are ready.”
I placed my head on his shoulder again and closed my eyes as his arms wrapped around my waist again. We were both silent for some time. Only our breathing could be heard and I felt his heart pounding under my hand as I laid it on his chest.
We were both content, holding each other in silence.
“Alessio.”
“Yes?”
“Do you think of me differently now? Because of what happened?” My voice was quiet, just a whisper as I uttered the words. My hands were shaking.
Alessio’s arm tightened around me and he placed a kiss on my head. He pulled away, forcing me to bring my head up from his shoulder. Our eyes met. Blue to green. The world stilled for a moment and he was all I could see.
Palming my cheeks, he gave me a small smile. “No. Not a chance, Ayla. That thought never even came to my mind. What happened wasn’t your fault. Rape is never justified. You are a victim and that bastard deserves to die.”
Leaning his forehead against mine, he continued in the same soft voice. “Yes. I do think of you differently. But not the way you are thinking. Now, I think you are strong. You have endured this, yet you are still here, fighting. That’s all that matters. What has happened to you would never change my mind about you. Never.” Placing a kiss on my nose, he smiled. “I don’t think anything could ever change how I feel about you.”
My cheeks felt wet and that was when I realized that I was crying again. Sniffling, I brought a hand up and cupped his cheek.
He smiled a little wider. I rubbed my thumb over the dimple on his cheek, my tears running down my face.
“I’m no good for you, Alessio,” I whispered. “I’m not worthy of you.”
My heart clenched at my words.
“Ayla, no!” Alessio said, his eyes widening.
Smiling sadly, I rubbed my fingers softly over his cheek. “It’s the truth. You are too good. Too accepting. You are a good man with a kind heart, but I’m not good for you.”
Because I’m not who you think I am, I continued in my head.
“Stop,” he scolded, shaking his head furiously. “Don’t say that, Ayla.”
“I’m not the one for you. You think you know the whole truth, but you don’t.” I continued, my fingers tracing his eyebrows and then his forehead. “I wish I could be someone else. I wish I didn’t have the past I had. You and I…we can’t ever be one.”
He closed his eyes tightly, his body slightly shaking with the force of his emotions. “Don’t say that, Ayla.”
“You would hate me if you knew my truth,” I whispered. The words flew out of my mouth, my heart shattering in the process.
“What happened to you was not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. It doesn’t mat
ter to me. All I want is you,” he confessed, pressing his lips ever so gently on mine.
If only he knew the whole truth. He wouldn’t be saying those words to me.
“I will only hurt you in the end, Alessio,” I murmured against his lips.
“I’ll take my chances,” he fired back.
“Alessio—”
He cut me off with a bruising kiss. Closing my eyes, I absorbed his kiss as my lips moved against his.
Slightly pulling away, his fingers tightened on my braid. “It’s me who isn’t worthy of you, Ayla. I have blood on my hands. I have killed so many people that I have lost count. I’m a monster, Ayla. I’m not a good man. But you…you are perfect. You are an angel.”
I gasped at his words and slowly opened my eyes.
“You have it in reverse. Whatever you said, it’s the opposite,” he continued.
“I’m fire. I will only burn you in the end,” I murmured against his lips.
He smiled. “The fire is raging, then. I don’t know if I’ll burn in the end or not. But I don’t want to give up on us. If I burn, then I will go with a smile, knowing that I had this little moment with you. Even if it was a little while.”
“Don’t do this, Alessio.”
He kissed me again. I couldn’t reject him. I was weak against his words. They were words that I wanted to hear…that I desperately needed, so I hung on even when I knew I shouldn’t.
I couldn’t push him away. I pulled him toward me, kissing him back with the same fervor. We kissed away all the pain as our hearts came together as one, the pull between us too strong to fight.
This intangible connection…I felt it deep inside my soul.
“I’m not giving up on you, Ayla. So, don’t give up on us either,” he murmured before claiming my lips again.
And in this very moment, I was thankful that I had gotten in his car.
For he had restored my shattered heart and broken soul.
Alessio had breathed new life into me.
Chapter 49
Ayla
I was walking out of my room when I saw Alessio limping up the stairs, his face and hands bloodied. “Alessio!” I exclaimed in panic.
He grimaced. “Ayla, I thought you were downstairs,” he muttered, his voice laced with pain.
“I was in my room. I was headed downstairs now to help Lena and Maddie with dinner,” I said. Bringing a hand up, I was about to touch his face but then stopped, scared that I would hurt him further. “What happened?” I asked worriedly.
“Nothing. I was just sparring with Viktor and Nikolay.” He flicked his wrist and shrugged his shoulder nonchalantly, as if it didn’t matter.
“Sparring? You are bloody and hurt. What type of sparring is that?” I took his hand and pulled him toward his room. “I’ll clean your wounds.”
“No. It’s okay. You have to help Lena. I’ll do it.” He tried to pull his hand away but I tightened my fingers. When he hissed in pain, I quickly let go.
“You are hurt, Alessio. Let me help,” I said, my chest aching at seeing him in pain. He smiled and bent down, placing a quick kiss on my lips.
“I’m fine. Really. It just looks bad because I’m not cleaned up. I’m not even that hurt.”
“But…”
He cut me off with another kiss. “Ayla. Go. Stop worrying so much.”
He gave me a wink and walked into his room, closing the door behind him.
Most of the day was spent with Alessio. We ate breakfast together in my room and then went to the creek. After our confessions this morning, we didn’t talk about it again.
I thought I could let him go, but I couldn’t.
I just hoped that he wouldn’t hate me when he learned my whole truth.
After tying my apron around my waist, I strode out of my room but stopped when I saw Viktor and Nikolay standing in front of my doorway, both of their expressions unreadable. They were clean compared to Alessio but I could see the bruises on their faces and hands.
“Can I help you?” I asked nervously.
Nikolay stayed quiet, so Viktor replied. “No. We just wanted to see how you were doing.”
Confused, I played with the hem of my dress. “I’m doing good.”
We stared at each other in tense silence and then he cleared his throat. “Good. We heard you weren’t doing so well this morning. It’s good to see you smiling again.”
I took a sharp intake of breath at his words and then nodded. “Thank you.”
Just then his phone rang and he answered the call. “Yeah?” He listened for a moment, his face growing frustrated. “Okay. Clean up the mess before the police comes.”
“Was that Phoenix?” Nikolay asked when Viktor hung up.
He nodded. “Yeah. There’s a mess at the club. I’m going to check it out. Phoenix is cleaning up.”
“I’m coming,” Nikolay said.
Viktor chuckled and then shook his head. “Let the boy on his own a little. I think he can handle it without you being a mother hen.”
Mother hen? Nikolay?
I hid my laugh with a cough.
“I’m not a fucking mother hen,” Nikolay growled, glaring at Viktor before sending me a glare of his own. My laughter quickly died but the smile was still there.
“Then don’t act like one.” Viktor laughed, quickly walking away.
“Fuck you.”
Nikolay rubbed his face, making a frustrating sound.
“Is Viktor always like this?” I asked.
“Annoying as fuck? Yes,” he replied.
“I think he is funny,” I said with a shrug.
“Don’t ever say that to him. He’ll never stop then.”
This time I let out a laugh, while shaking my head.
I saw his expression soften and then he nodded. “It’s good to see you like this.”
I ducked my head shyly and mumbled a quick thank you.
We were both silent and from the corner of my eye, I saw him lean against the wall beside my door. Nikolay sighed and then cleared his throat. “After the incident in the bathroom, we had a few guesses but never asked because we didn’t want to push you,” he said. “I know what happened.”
“I—”
“I’m not telling you this to make you feel ashamed. I’m telling you this because I want you to know that no one would think of you any different just because of what happened to you. We all have a past here. All of us have secrets so we wouldn’t judge you. One thing you would find here is that no one is ever going to judge you. We are all fucked up, you know.”
His words brought tears to my eyes and I quickly blinked them away. Nikolay proved me wrong every time. I remembered the first time I met him. He was so scary, mean, and rude. He appeared heartless, ruthless, and emotionless. Just like Alessio.
“Especially Alessio,” he continued. “He is a good man.”
“Did Alessio tell you?” I whispered.
“No. He didn’t have to. When he came to the gym and sparred with us, his actions were enough to let us know.”
Swiping the tears that had fell down, I looked down at my feet. “Why do you guys fight like this?”
“Ayla, we kill people. We are part of a Bratva, feared by everyone. Sometimes, when we can’t spill the blood of whom we want, we have to take out the anger somewhere else.”
“Oh,” I murmured.
“Right. I will leave you to your work now,” he said, pushing away from the wall.
“Wait,” I called. He turned around and faced me, his face impassive as always. “You said Alessio was a good man…” Walking over to him, I placed a hand over his heart. “You are a good man too.”
His breath caught in his throat, but he stayed silent.
“I know the difference between someone who is bad and who is good. And you…you are good. You care even though you try to hide it,” I said.
Nikolay was a man who hid behind a mask of anger, just like Alessio. But deep inside, they all cared.
I brought my hand up an
d placed it on his cheek, right over the scar. He flinched but didn’t move away. “You hide behind your scars. You use them as a barrier, thinking that they would keep people away. It worked, didn’t it?”
“Ayla,” he said, his voice filled with pain.
“You think they’re ugly. You think they represent a weakness. But they don’t. Your scars represent your strength,” I said, Maddie’s words rolled off my tongue. I hoped that they would have the same effect on Nikolay as they had on me.
And they did. I saw his eyes soften the slightest bit and he cleared his throat again. “You have a kind heart, Ayla.”
I smiled and then let out a small laugh, rubbing a finger over his scar. “You know…your scars don’t make you ugly…they make you look…” I paused for a moment, trying to think of the word that Maddie used to describe Nikolay. When it finally came to mind, I quickly said it. “Sexy.”
His eyes widened in shock.
Did I just say that?
I pulled my hand away from Nikolay’s face and took a step backward. He raised an eyebrow at me.
“That was Maddie—”
“So, you don’t think I’m sexy?”
“What? No. You are sexy. Wait, no, I mean your scars don’t make you look ugly. They are nice. I mean, you look good with them. Yeah…” I stumbled over my words, rambling as I tried to fix what I said but instead made it worse.
Snapping my mouth shut, I stared at Nikolay mutely. The right corner of his lips twitched in the slightest bit but it looked painful, as if he was having trouble lifting his lips in a smile.
The scar ran down to his lips and I wondered if it was because of it that he couldn’t smile.
“Just don’t tell Alessio that you called me sexy,” he teased, his eyes shining with mischievously.
“Right. I should get to work. I’ve wasted enough time,” I said.
“Yeah. Go ahead.” Nikolay moved out of my way and I quickly walked away.
As I walked downstairs, I had a smile on my face.
I had just realized I was surrounded with so much love.
Chapter 50
Nikolay
