Instead, she had told him that she would do it and she had asked Levi to wait for her if he could. She hated to ask—he was still wet from having gone into the water—but this was important. They needed to talk.
He had a towel wrapped around his shoulders and sat in a chair on the deck, watching the dogs play in the yard.
“He’s sleeping. Emotions wore him out more than worry.” She folded her arms across her middle, bracing for what she was about to say. “I can’t do this, Levi. I can’t go through this again. And I can’t put Kevin through this either.”
Levi stood and walked over to her. “Jessica, don’t be rash. You’re just upset. I understand if you call this off. But not in a rash, sudden moment like this. You’re emotional. It was hard on both of you. I get that and my heart hurts for you. But—”
“No buts. You heard what Kevin said. He called you Daddy and you called him son. I can’t—” Her voice broke. “I can’t let him get hurt again.”
Levi wrapped his arms around her, drawing her close. He felt so good and she rested her cheek in the crook of his neck, needing the comfort…needing him.
“Jessica, I love you. And I love Kevin. I would never let anything happen to either one of you.”
He loved her. She fought back a gasp as his words sank in; she stiffened against him and lifted her head. What was she doing sinking into him this way?
She needed a barrier between them to fight off the joy that tried to burst through her at his words. “I can’t.” Despite unbearable desire to lay her head back on his shoulder and to give in to this growing weakness for his touch, she backed out of his arms. She repeated, “I can’t, Levi. I hope you can understand.”
He stared at her, his expression stunned but concerned. Then at last he nodded. “I’m here if you need me.” He stepped from the deck. He whistled for Jaco and walked toward the side of the house and the gate. Her heart screamed no as he disappeared around the corner of the house.
Jessica stood there with Roscoe and then sank to the steps of the deck, eye level with the accusing eyes of the dog. He studied her, as if blaming her for making his friend go away. She had no doubt that when Kevin learned they wouldn’t be spending time with Levi anymore that he would look at her in that same accusing way.
Levi was damp, irritated, and his itchy clothes were not improving his mood as he walked into his house and slammed the door. Jaco looked up at him with an anxious expression, as if knowing something wasn’t right.
That was the understatement of the year.
Nothing was right.
He’d saved a life, for Pete’s sake. That should have counted for something and instead it had been a catalyst for disaster.
He stripped off the wet, offensive clothes and got into a hot shower as the image of Jessica’s face and Kevin’s played across his mind. He tried to relax as the hot water pounded against his tense shoulders but thoughts kept coming. After telling her he loved her and her telling him she couldn’t continue the growing relationship, he hadn’t known what else to do at that moment. She was too upset, too distraught. Would she be better tomorrow?
He was in over his head, drowning in uncertainty about how to handle the situation. Did you push someone who suffered from such grief? Did you just step back and give her room? One thing he knew for certain: he wanted to do what was best for Jessica.
Even if that meant walking away from her for good in the end.
He’d be the first to admit that he didn’t say his prayers like he should, but with his hands on the wall of the shower and the hot water pounding against his tense skin, he prayed for guidance. Because he needed answers and there was no way he could bear making the pain in Jessica’s eyes worse.
The next morning, Jessica was so thankful that it was Saturday. She was startled when Kevin bounded into her room and jumped on the bed, with Roscoe trailing behind him. Roscoe watched her curiously from where he sat on the floor.
“Are you awake yet?” Kevin asked, all smiles.
She would never have guessed this was the same sad little boy from the night before.
“I’m awake.” She sat up and smiled at him. “You look happy this morning.”
“I am, Mom. I been thinking all night long about how Levi is a hero. He saved that boy last night. It was cool. And that’s what my daddy did.”
“Yes, you’re right. And you’re not upset anymore?” Her child never ceased to surprise her. Resilience was the word that came to mind.
“No, Mom. It scared me last night. But just wait till I tell all the kids at school what my new daddy did.”
Jessica’s heart ached. But this had to stop. “Kevin, you can tell the kids at school what Levi did. But honey, I’ve told you this already. Levi is not going to be your new daddy. And you have to stop saying that.”
Kevin’s brows met and his face scrunched with perplexity. “But he is.”
Jessica wanted to scream. Uncertain she was doing the right thing, she took his hands in hers and said firmly, “Stop it, Kevin. The only way Levi could be your new daddy is if I married him. And I’m not going to marry him. Do you understand that?”
Kevin yanked his hands from hers and glared at her. “You could marry him. You like him. He makes you laugh and smile, and I saw you kissing him and that’s what mommies and daddies do.”
“You saw me kissing him?”
“That night after the birthday party when I was supposed to be asleep. I peeked around the door and you were on the couch kissing.”
Jessica groaned. “First, you don’t need to be talking to me in that manner, young man. And second, kissing does not mean getting married.” She didn’t say anything about the laughing and smiling that he was talking about. It was true. She couldn’t deny that Levi Sinclair had brought her back to life in so many ways that even her child had noticed it. What did she say to that?
She focused on his attitude. “I need you to apologize for talking to me so rudely.” Way to go, Supermom. Her child was in crisis and she was having him apologize to her for being rude. He was expressing himself. But she didn’t know what else to do. She had to figure out a way to get control of the situation. And the only thing she knew was to fall back on telling him to mind his manners.
She might just win Mom of the Year.
Geesh—not.
“I’m sorry,” Kevin said calmly. He scooted for the edge of the bed. He climbed off and met her gaze. Then, without another word, he turned and walked out of her bedroom. Roscoe, the big lovable dog, cocked his head and looked at her as if asking what was she doing. She immediately thought of Adam.
Roscoe was Adam’s dog. Looking at him now, it was almost as if she could see Adam looking back at her through the sweet dog’s eyes.
He makes you happy.
The phrase echoed through her but it wasn’t in the sound of the small voice in her head but in the sound of her husband’s deep, precious voice. He makes you happy. He makes you smile. He makes you feel love.
And he makes me feel fear, she countered. And with that thought, she got out of bed and got dressed. She had a feeling it was going to be a long day.
She was walking into the kitchen when her phone rang. It was Jillian. “Hey,” she said when she answered.
“Hey yourself,” Jillian said. “How are you and Kevin? Levi called and told me what happened. He’s worried about you. Both of you. I’m on my way over. Just want to warn you.”
“We’re fine. You don’t need to—”
“Too late—already in your driveway.” The line went dead.
“Mom, Jillian is here.” Kevin raced around the hallway entrance toward the front door. He had obviously seen her through his window.
Jessica didn’t know what to think. She was glad to see her friend but she didn’t need anybody trying to talk her into decisions this morning. Feeling pressed, yet grateful to have someone worry over her, she went to answer the door.
Jillian was all smiles as she talked to Kevin at the door, trying to be upbeat
for the boy considering Levi had told her how upset he’d been last night. She’d headed over as soon as she’d hung up from talking to Levi—who had sounded awful himself.
Jillian was glad that Ryan would be working the shift with him today. Her brother was in love—there was no doubt about it—and he needed support right now.
Jillian believed that Jessica was in love too, but she didn’t know what the best thing to do was, other than to be her friend and give her support also. Maybe the distraction of being asked to help with the Valentine plans might give her something to focus on. Yes, maybe it was sneaky, but Jillian had a gut feeling this was what was needed.
“Kevin was telling me about last night. That the teen lived.”
“And Levi was a hero,” Kevin added.
Jessica frowned. “We are so very happy that the boy was safe. I hope he’s recovering well this morning.”
“He is. Levi went by this morning and checked on him. He was doing good, so they’re releasing him this morning.”
Shadows crossed over Jessica’s expression. “Good. That is so great.”
“Can I come in?” Jillian asked.
Jessica blinked, looking flustered. “Yes, sure. I’m sorry, I was just about to make a pot of coffee. Kevin, do you want to go play with Roscoe in the backyard?”
“Yes.” He raced toward the back door, with the big dog bounding after him.
Jillian laughed. “They are a pair, aren’t they?”
“Two peas in a pod they are.” Jessica led the way into the small kitchen that overlooked the backyard.
“Have a seat.” Jessica indicated one of two barstools at the small island.
Jillian sat down and watched as Jessica finished getting the coffee brewing. “So really, how are you?”
“I’m…” Jessica leaned against the counter and sighed. “I’m a wreck. That scared me so much last night. I know I’m hurting Levi, but I can’t help it. I have to do what’s right for me and Kevin.”
“So you’re saying you’re not ready to fall in love. I get that. I’m just worried about you. Levi said you were really upset last night, that the near-drowning really reminded you of when you lost Adam. And please don’t get mad at him for calling me. He did it out of worry and concern for you. He said you would be better off if he wasn’t here, so he sent me instead.”
Jillian tried to gauge the emotions playing across Jessica’s face but because it was such an emotional and deep subject, it was hard to tell whether speaking of Levi upset her or whether all the trouble in her expression was from memories of her husband’s accident.
“I’m just a mess emotionally. I can’t face losing someone again. It takes too much from a person. Jillian, I had my heart ripped out when I lost Adam. People asked me how I got through it and did so well. People said they were impressed with the way that I got through losing Adam. But the thing is, I had a child. I got through it because he needed my strength. I got through it because I felt Adam’s strength with me. I got through it because there was no other option. But now, I have an option and it’s not to let my heart get broken again. Last night reminded me of where I didn’t want to go.”
Jillian hurt for her. She knew the heartache that Jessica was feeling. She remembered that day when the doctor told her that the probability of her getting pregnant was almost nonexistent. Remembered the grief that had shattered her that day at the prospect of not carrying a precious child. Her dream. But still, what she’d felt wasn’t the same because Jillian had the hope of getting married and the possibility of being able to carry her own child, if she married quickly. She’d had options. Jessica couldn’t see that she had options too. Options for a full and happy life ahead of her. If she could reach for the future and not look only back at what was behind her. Maybe it was too soon.
“I understand the fear that you probably are feeling about that. If I was in your shoes, I would probably do the same thing.”
Jessica filled two coffee cups and set them on the island. Cream and sugar were already set out. She took the seat beside Jillian.
“Are you not afraid of losing Ryan in the job that they have?”
“There’s some worry there. I mean, they are police officers and have to take the oath to protect and serve. But Ryan’s job before this one was really dangerous. I mean, he was an undercover narcotics cop. And the truth is, I love him so I can’t imagine not marrying him.” She took a sip of her coffee, her thoughts whirling.
“What if you lose him?”
“I would rather have loved him and been with him for a short while rather than to have lost him and never gotten to be his wife. See, I had loved Ryan all my life. At least, it seems like all my life. I cannot resist being his wife. No matter what the risk was. And I have a feeling that’s how you felt about Adam.”
Jessica nodded and looked away. “That’s how I felt. Feel. If I had known how it would end, I would’ve married him anyway.”
“I thought so. I want all of my brothers to have that kind of love. To know what my sisters and I have found with our husbands.” Jillian laid her hand on Jessica’s arm and squeezed. “I want Levi to feel that, to know what that kind of deep, undeniable kind of love feels like. So I respect you for pulling away. If you don’t think that that’s something you’ll feel for him, it will be easier now than later for him to move on. Because I can tell you, Levi has fallen in love with you. He may not have told you that but I can tell.”
“He told me.” Jessica’s voice cracked. “And you’re right. He deserves more than I can give him.”
Jillian smiled sadly. “Maybe you’re right. Only you know that. So are you going to be okay?”
Jessica nodded. “If Kevin doesn’t end up hating me over this. He’s doing okay this morning. Surprisingly. But he still believes that Levi is going to be his daddy. And I had to be blunt with him and tell him that wasn’t going to happen. So it will be strained around here for a few days. We will survive, though. Once more.”
Jillian stood and hugged her friend. “It will be okay. I must confess,” she said, releasing Jessica, “Kevin really locked on Levi the moment he saw him sitting at his desk the day we took him to the police station. I noticed it right away. Maybe I should not have suggested him for the show-and-tell.”
“No, it wasn’t your fault. They did connect. I should not have continued to spend time with Levi.”
Jillian took a deep breath. “Who knows what was best. Anyway, you have a plan now, and you’ll move forward with that and Levi will respect your decision because that’s the kind of man he is.”
Jessica nodded. “Right. He’ll respect the boundaries.”
But Jillian didn’t hear any happiness in her friend’s statement. “Okay, look, I need to tell you about what’s going on at the resort. And this will distract you. We’re having a Valentine Bachelor Auction at the resort next Friday. It’s perfect since the fourteenth is on Saturday—it should be a great attendance with the dates set up for Saturday night. It’s a little rushed, I’ll admit, but we decided to do it at the last minute. I have twisted arms and convinced my brothers, including Levi, with a dash of guilt trip, that they should be in the auction.”
“A bachelor auction?”
Jillian nodded, trying not to feel guilty. “Yes. Isn’t it exciting? The money will go to a charity and the publicity of it will be good for the resort’s wedding venue profile and romantic getaway destination. I’m wondering, since you’re not going to be interested in bidding on anyone, could you help us out that night? We’ll need a lot of help. And it should be fun. But I would understand if you said no.” Jillian rattled off her statement fast. “We’re really looking forward to it. Won’t you help us?”
She held her breath and waited for what Jessica would say.
“Okay, I guess,” she said after a brief hesitation.
“Great,” Jillian exclaimed, feeling very, very greasy at the moment. This might be the worst sneaky trick she had ever done. But as far as she was concerned, it needed to be
done. And only time would tell whether it was right or wrong.
Chapter Sixteen
Levi had managed to stay away from Jessica for four days. Four long, unending days. By Tuesday, he was going crazy, not to mention the fact that Friday just happened to be the Valentine auction. That thought only brought him heartburn.
Especially when he’d walked into the office that morning to find two pound cakes and a chocolate pie on his desk.
And Betty Lou leaning against the doorframe of the dispatch room, with her arms crossed and a grin as wide as the Grand Canyon across her face.
“Mornin’, Chief. Looks like you’re going to be eating well over the next few days. I’d be watching that waistline of yours. You don’t want a little paunch showing when you get up on that runway on Friday. You’ll need to look trim and maybe show off those abs of yours if you’re planning on getting top dollar for yourself. You know, to benefit the charity and all.”
“You should be a standup comedian, Betty Lou,” he grunted. “Where did these come from?”
She hooted with laughter. “Three different women came in here this morning around seven thirty and dropped them off. They were all trying to get here first and hoping you’d be on duty, so they came before dropping their kids off at school. I thought catfights were going to break out when they met in the front room. Yikes, they did not like seeing each other. There was estrogen bouncing off these walls, I can tell you that. You dodged a bullet.”
This was ridiculous. “This is out of hand.”
“What’s out of hand?” Max walked in the door. “I hear I’ve missed some excitement while I was out of town.”
“You made it back—glad of it, brother.” Levi crossed to give his brother a hug. He had begun to worry about Max because he’d been gone longer than usual. Still, he didn’t even bother to ask what he’d been doing; he knew Max couldn’t say a word about it.
With This Ring (Windswept Bay Book 6) Page 10
