by Meg Cabot
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Hi from Mom and Dad’s House
Would you two please stop it? Some of us are trying to work at our actual jobs.
And between the two of you, Mom and Dad, Trimble, the fact that one of my kids won’t stop dressing in costume, and my only listing being an asbestos-laden school, I’m starting to get an ulcer.
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 3:15:43 PM EST
To: Carly [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Hi from Mom and Dad’s House
You know what you should try in order to reduce the stress in your life, Marshall?
Golf.
Reed Stewart
4:12 PM
So, I don’t know how you’re doing this, but it’s impressive.
Becky Flowers
4:12 PM
Thanks. But it’s my job.
I can’t believe you’re texting me from across your parents’ living room.
Reed Stewart
4:12 PM
I didn’t want to tell you in front of my dad how impressed I am that you got him to part with all seventy of his copies of the Encyclopaedia Britannica from 1982.
Becky Flowers
4:12 PM
Well, most of the information in them is a little outdated.
Reed Stewart
4:13 PM
I think it was pointing out to him that Argentine forces no longer occupy the Falkland Islands that did the job.
Becky Flowers
4:13 PM
Thank you, yes, I felt that was a stroke of brilliance myself.
You didn’t do so bad, either, with the photos from The Town.
Reed Stewart
4:13 PM
Thanks. I have a man on the inside.
Becky Flowers
4:13 PM
I told you that once they had a sense of where they’re going, they’d be more excited about it.
Your mother looks as if she’s beginning to flag, however.
Reed Stewart
4:13 PM
Yes. The battle over the fondue pots took a lot out of her.
Becky Flowers
4:13 PM
Why would anyone insist on keeping seven fondue pots?
Reed Stewart
4:13 PM
Why would anyone want ONE?
Becky Flowers
4:13 PM
Reed! I am shocked. I thought you of all people would have an appreciation for the culinary art of fondue.
Reed Stewart
4:13 PM
Why me of all people?
Becky Flowers
4:14 PM
Well, sticks, holes.
Reed Stewart
4:14 PM
Becky Flowers! Are you flirting with me?
Becky Flowers
4:14 PM
No, I’m sorry. That was unprofessional. I apologize.
Reed Stewart
4:14 PM
Are you kidding? I’m sitting here sorting through four boxes of monogrammed highball glasses. I could use a little flirting.
Becky Flowers
4:14 PM
Monogrammed highball glasses are the height of stylish entertaining, Reed.
Reed Stewart
4:15 PM
Maybe in 1987, if you were Magnum PI.
But 1997 is the last time I remember my parents having had a party, and neither of them is a suave mustachioed private investigator who drives a Ferrari.
Becky Flowers
4:15 PM
But tell them that they’ll definitely use those highball glasses when they move to Orlando. It will cheer them up.
Reed Stewart
4:15 PM
But not 200 of them.
Uh-oh, look out. Here comes Richard.
Reed Stewart
4:22 PM
Brilliantly done.
I enjoyed how you parried that there probably wasn’t going to be a wall large enough in the new condo to display all 800 of his gavels, but that if he put them in storage until the market for them got any hotter, he might miss Peak Gavel Sales entirely.
Becky Flowers
4:22 PM
Thank you. Like I said, it’s my job.
But you shouldn’t make fun of him. Your dad is a good man.
Reed Stewart
4:22 PM
A good man who squandered all his retirement savings on gavels and worthless stamps.
Becky Flowers
4:22 PM
The gavels actually didn’t cost that much. Your dad told me how much he paid for each one as he gave me the official tour.
Reed Stewart
4:22 PM
He gave you a tour of his gavel collection?
Becky Flowers
4:23 PM
He’s proud of them. They symbolize something to him.
Reed Stewart
4:23 PM
Now I’m officially the most mortified I’ve ever been in my life. I thought the cats were the worst.
Becky Flowers
4:23 PM
Don’t be embarrassed.
And I actually think the cats belong to other homeowners in the area. They just hang around because your mother is feeding them. Did you see how the orange tabby has a collar with a tag? Its name is Gelato.
Reed Stewart
4:24 PM
My God. The horror. The horror.
Becky Flowers
4:24 PM
Stop being so silly and ask your mom which set of those glasses she wants to keep. The rest she should donate. Or we can sell them at the consignment store.
Reed Stewart
4:24 PM
Consignment. They need the money.
Though I don’t know who’s going to buy 180 highball glasses monogrammed with the letters RDS.
Becky Flowers
4:25 PM
You could, actually. Those are your initials.
Wait, are your parents really broke?
Reed Stewart
4:25 PM
You remember my middle name? No one remembers my middle name.
Becky Flowers
4:25 PM
A name like Reed Duncan Stewart is hard to forget.
How can your parents be broke?
Reed Stewart
4:25 PM
Rebecca Catherine Flowers is hard to forget, too.
Becky Flowers
4:25 PM
And yet you managed to do so for ten years.
Reed Stewart
4:25 PM
I never forgot you, Flowers. It took me ten years to feel worthy of you.
Not that I do now.
Becky Flowers
4:25 PM
Nice save.
Okay, so what’s all this about your parents allegedly being broke?
Reed Stewart
4:25 PM
Fine. Between the gavels, his stamp collection, and Mom’s cat figurines, my parents haven’t got a dime. Why do you think we’re selling the place? I mean, besides the obvious—they’re going to have to flee to Canada to escape the long arm of the law if Shenanigans doesn’t drop the charges.
Becky Flowers
4:26 PM
Reed, I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I haven’t seen anything in this house so far that is expensive enough to account for your parents having lost all their savings.
Reed Stewart
4:26 PM
Connie apparently loves her scratch-offs.
Becky Flowers
4:27 PM
Is she also frequenting the riverboat casinos?
Reed Stewart
4:27 PM
Jesus, I hope so. I would pay money to see Connie hitting the blackjack table.
Becky Flowers
4:27 PM
So would I.
But if it really is the case that your parents are broke, I’d look into the poss
ibility of some kind of fraud or elder abuse. It happens more often than you think, and many of my clients have been able to get their parents’ money back.
Reed Stewart
4:28 PM
Bex, are you serious?
Becky Flowers
4:28 PM
Of course. Your dad has always been such a prominent and beloved figure in the community, but he has made a few enemies. There are definitely people out there who don’t agree with some of the decisions he made, and swore they’d get back at him if they could.
Reed Stewart
4:28 PM
You realize you’re talking about me. I’m one of those people.
Becky Flowers
4:29 PM
Reed, don’t be ridiculous. Of course I’m not talking about you. Why would you swindle your own father out of his savings?
Reed Stewart
4:29 PM
Because I resent him for . . . a lot of things.
Becky Flowers
4:29 PM
Now you’re just talking nonsense. Even if you had reason to resent your dad, you wouldn’t take his money. What would you need it for? You have plenty of your own.
Reed Stewart
4:29 PM
Sure, but if I really resented him, I’d steal his money anyway, and donate it to the orphans in Bolivia, or something.
Becky Flowers
4:29 PM
Are there orphans in Bolivia?
Reed Stewart
4:29 PM
I don’t know. I was just using that as an example of how devious I could be, if I were someone who wanted to get back at my dad.
You shouldn’t rule me out as a suspect.
Becky Flowers
4:29 PM
Now you’re simply being obtuse.
If you really want to help, why don’t you go down into the basement and help your dad sort through all those boxes?
Reed Stewart
4:29 PM
Uh, no thank you. First of all, Miss, Flowers, everything down there is worth millions. MILLIONS, understand? You’re never going to get what that stuff is really worth selling it in a consignment shop. It needs to go on Antiques Road Show, where there are experts who can value its true worth.
And secondly, I found our old high school yearbook. Do you know what you wrote in mine?
Becky Flowers
4:30 PM
I don’t remember writing anything in it.
Reed Stewart
4:30 PM
Exactly! Because my dad kicked me out of the house before graduation. My copy of our yearbook was shipped here, so I never saw it until now. It’s empty.
Becky Flowers
4:30 PM
Don’t you have more important things to worry about right now than the fact that I didn’t sign your yearbook?
Reed Stewart
4:30 PM
You mean how many World’s Greatest Grandma mugs my mother should take with her to the new condo? Twenty? Is twenty too many? I’m thinking it probably is.
Becky Flowers
4:30 PM
You’re an idiot.
Listen, I know you’re not taking this seriously, but there are people around here who might take advantage of the fact that since your parents’ health has declined, they haven’t been quite on top of things as they used to be. Financial elder abuse is an avenue you and the rest of your family might want to explore.
Reed Stewart
4:31 PM
Are you text lecturing at me?
Becky Flowers
4:31 PM
Yes. I’m sorry, but yes. Your mother is in here, and I don’t want her to know what we’re discussing.
I find your statement that your parents have no money curious when, so far, except for the famous stamp over which your father says he was swindled, I’ve seen no expensive items in this home.
And if he did get “swindled” over that stamp, that’s something to look into, as well.
Reed Stewart
4:31 PM
The Judge wasn’t swindled over the stamp. I saw the receipt in that huge pile of junk on his desk in the study. It was wedged in between two letters, one to the President of the United States discussing our relations with China, and one to Tiger Woods, advising him on how to improve his golf swing.
Becky Flowers
4:31 PM
Well, that’s one question answered.
Reed Stewart
4:32 PM
What?
Becky Flowers
4:32 PM
One of the ways the state assesses whether an older person is mentally fit enough to handle their own affairs is by whether or not they can name the date, their own address, and the President of the United States.
Both of your parents pass that test with flying colors.
Reed Stewart
4:32 PM
That’s the problem, right? It’s the other ones—physical and financial functions—in which they’re failing.
But because they pass the first one, we can’t get—what is it called? My sister mentioned it, I think.
Becky Flowers
4:32 PM
Power of attorney. Right. Not without your parents’ consent, unless you can prove they’re mentally incapacitated.
From what I know about your father, it seems unlikely he’s going to give it willingly.
But it’s usually good for older members of the family to give someone they trust access to their bank accounts to deposit or withdraw funds, pay bills, or check their credit card accounts . . . especially in the event that the older person is in some way incapacitated.
I’ve had older clients suffering from dementia take the family car and drive off, and the only way the family was able to find them was through the charges on the missing elderly person’s credit cards, which the family was only able to access because they’d been given POA.
The police couldn’t access the charges because there was no evidence the person was in danger, or hadn’t left of his own volition.
Reed Stewart
4:32 PM
Jesus.
Becky Flowers
4:32 PM
Sorry. I don’t mean to scare you. I’m just letting you know.
Reed Stewart
4:32 PM
It’s OK. This all might turn out to have a silver lining.
Becky Flowers
4:32 PM
How?
Reed Stewart
4:33 PM
Well, you think this fraud/elder abuse/power of attorney thing is something my siblings and I should explore more fully?
Becky Flowers
4:33 PM
Oh, yes, definitely.
You know a lot of people didn’t agree with your dad over the Dumbbell Killer. Some people thought he should never have instructed that jury to consider a lesser charge than murder, let alone manslaughter. Someone could be trying to get back at him for that. It could be someone who works at the bank!
Or anyone. I’m just saying.
Reed Stewart
4:33 PM
I see. Would helping us look into this—or that power of attorney thing—fall under your job description?
Becky Flowers
4:33 PM
Well, no, not really.
But I’d be happy to refer you to people who could help.
Reed Stewart
4:33 PM
Maybe you and I should meet to discuss this further face-to-face, somewhere my parents can’t overhear, so you don’t have to keep sending me such long texts about it.
Becky Flowers
4:33 PM
I’m having your sister-in-law Carly pick up your parents to take them to dinner with your nieces at six o’clock. We can talk then, either here or, if you prefer, at my office.
Reed Stewart
4:34 PM
Great.
Or, since today I witnessed my mother throw her wedding dress in a Dumpster, maybe you could join me in drinking mys
elf blind at Bud’s Stick and Stein over on the turnpike.
That was my plan for later, anyway.
Becky Flowers
4:34 PM
You did not actually see your mother do that.
Reed Stewart
4:34 PM
You described it to me. And also how you climbed into the Dumpster to retrieve it. That was just as traumatic as witnessing it myself.
Becky Flowers
