by Amber Garr
When he gently pushed me away, I looked up into his green eyes and saw the one thing that I feared most. Doubt. Something had changed between us and I didn’t know if I’d be able to fix it.
“Brendan, I am so sorry for what I did to you,” I stammered.
He immediately looked down at the ground and let go of my arms. I noticed Daniel and Julian had left us alone. Presumably to give us some space. And although this was not really the time or the place to have that ultimate discussion, some things needed to be said right now.
Brendan sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair. I couldn’t help but notice how the movement of his muscles captured the moonlight, or the way the slight stubble on his face made him look a few years older. Or the way he would no longer make eye contact with me. My heart began to break into pieces.
“Eviana,” he breathed. “I love you. I will always love you-”
“But…” I cut in with desperation.
“But things have changed. You’ve changed.”
“Brendan, no.” I took a step closer to him and attempted to reach out for his hand. He flinched and pulled away from me. A slight movement, but still there. “I can’t lose you too,” I managed to get out. “Not now. Please.”
Both of my parents were dead, I’d become a clan leader less than an hour ago, and now the only person in my life that could help me get through all of this was trying to push me away. I felt the numbness take over my legs and tried to keep myself standing.
Brendan finally looked up at me and I saw that his eyes glistened with fresh tears. “I just need some time to think,” he said.
“What is there to think about?” I shrieked. “We love each other! We’re meant to be with each other. I…I don’t understand what else there is to think about!” I wept so hard that most of the words came out muffled.
“Evs, please don’t cry,” he begged.
All I could do was huff. I turned my back to him and looked out over the waning river. What kind of reaction did he expect me to have? He wanted to “think” about our relationship, which really meant that we were on track for a breakup. And he was doing this right when I needed him most. I knew he’d be upset, but I’d hoped we could work through it.
“I won’t do it again,” I whispered.
“What?”
I twisted my head back so that I could see him. “I won’t ever control you again. I swear it!”
“Oh, Evs.” He came closer and hugged me against him tightly. “It’s not just that.” I tried to pull away to question him, but he held me still. “You’re a leader now. Everything’s going to change. Everyone around you will change. There won’t be room for me anymore.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because it’s true. You won’t be allowed to associate with me any longer.” He paused and took a deep breath. “They’ll want you to marry Kain.”
I pushed away from him so hard I stumbled to the ground. The sadness and desperation were apparent on his face and as he wiped his eyes, the words began to soak into my bones. Marry Kain? We’d already been through that.
“I will dictate who I can and cannot see.” When he just looked at me with pity, I continued. “If I truly am the new leader, I can do as I please. Besides, Kain won’t marry me anyway. I’ve already messed that up well beyond repair. I don’t know if we’ll even be able to work together. He hates me right now.”
Brendan smiled although it seemed forced. “He doesn’t hate you.” His tone sounded almost disappointed but I didn’t understand why.
“Well it doesn’t matter because I don’t want to be with him. I want to be with you.”
He shook his head. “I don’t know…”
“Brendan! I love you. I need you! Why isn’t that enough?”
The tears came back and this time my legs did give out. I collapsed to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. My world was falling apart around me and I honestly didn’t know how I’d survive. He was my best friend. I knew his presence by my side would cause some uproar, but I didn’t care. I was in charge of one of the most powerful clans amongst our people. Soon, I’d be responsible for making all kinds of decisions, so why did this one have to be out of my control? It just wasn’t fair.
I felt Brendan’s long, lean arms pull me against him as he knelt down beside me. He rubbed his hand in circles along my back while I continued to cry, staying silent for a very long time. When he finally spoke, the last of my heart shattered in pain.
“I just need some time away from you to sort this out, okay?”
What was I supposed to say? Did I want him to leave me? Absolutely not. I couldn’t imagine my life going on without him. Did I want him to take some time? I guess if it gave me a chance to prove that we could make this work, then that was my only option. It’d be hard and painful but if it brought him back to my side where he belonged, then I was willing to give him his space.
With his impeccable timing, Julian walked through the tree line and called to us. “They’re here.”
I felt Brendan nod in acknowledgement but didn’t want to look at him right now. I just couldn’t.
We stood and joined the rest of the group without saying another word to each other. He stayed next to me, but it felt like an invisible barrier had been erected around each of us. I was heartbroken over his words, devastated that my parents were gone, and somewhat embarrassed that everyone seemed to sense what was happening with my relationship.
Daniel discretely moved to my side and squeezed my hand, nearly causing me to lose all control again. I squeezed back and looked out at the road where a large multi-passenger van had just pulled off to the side. We walked in that direction in silence. Keith, at least I think it was him, began passing out bath towels as we got closer to the van. If I was feeling anything at that moment, I would have thanked him for being considerate, but I just couldn’t muster the strength.
Since I was the last one to climb into the van, I noticed there was only one seat left. I sat down next to Kain and Carissa, giving Brendan his space in the seat behind us. Apparently, some of the selkies had either left already or walked to Keith’s initially, because there were only three of them now in the van. As we pulled away from the forest, I felt Kain’s eyes on me. I couldn’t look at him right now either, so I turned and watched the scenery out the side window.
The trees flew by and soon gave way to manicured lawns and residential buildings. I still didn’t know exactly where we were, but I really didn’t care right now. I couldn’t feel anything. Didn’t want to.
When we arrived at Keith’s house, Julian ushered us inside and kind of took charge. It was obvious to everyone that I’d mentally checked out back at the forest, and for the most part they left me alone. Dawn was rising before Julian volunteered to take the five of us back to the beach and our hotel.
We piled in the van once more, and although Brendan came along, he sat in the passenger seat which left me in the rear one. Daniel sat next to me, but I just rested my head on the back of the seat and closed my eyes. The gravity of the night’s events drowned me. I focused on my breathing which helped me swallow the tears.
Every once and a while I’d listen to the conversations between Kain and Carissa or Brendan and Julian. But if someone asked me to repeat them, I wouldn’t have been able to. Background noise. That’s all they were.
It was well after lunch before we pulled into the visitor’s center at the Bay Bridge. Surprisingly, Brendan’s car was still there and without saying a word to anyone, he jumped out of the van to drive himself to the hotel. Something about that burned in me and I was forced to lie down in the back seat so no one would see my anguish. Daniel, understanding that I wasn’t going to be good company, moved up front with Julian for the remainder of the ride. I felt exhausted, in every sense of the word.
So much of me wanted to sleep and pretend that all of this was a dream. I’d wake up with Brendan by my side in our bed at the hotel. He’d brush the hair out of my face and make fun of me for drooli
ng in my sleep. We would pretend to fight, make up in bed, and then swim in the ocean together for the rest of the day. That was the dream I always wanted. The dream I’d left my family for. The dream I’d hurt Kain over. And now I feared it was a dream I could no longer have. I didn’t want anything else. Nothing else in this world mattered if I couldn’t have Brendan.
Nothing.
We finally made it to the hotel and I went about my tasks in a daze. Julian waited outside while Brendan and I packed up our meager belongings and set them by the door. At some point, Brendan left to check out, giving me a moment to grieve over the loss of the life I so briefly got to enjoy.
Holding a small framed picture of the two of us at sunset, I couldn’t help but smile. I don’t think I was smiling at the memory, but was laughing at the situation. Everything I ran away from had come back to haunt me. I avoided marrying Kain, I never wanted to lead my clan, and most importantly, I never wanted to have a life that didn’t include Brendan. In just a few days, my world had disintegrated. Maybe Brendan was right. Maybe things were going to be different now.
The door to our room bounced open against the wall causing me to jump. “Sorry,” Brendan said. He saw me sitting on the edge of the bed and sat down by my side. “That was a good night.” I looked at him to see that he was referring to the picture in my hand.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Remember all of the rays we saw?” I smiled and shoved the photograph into his hand.
“You keep this. To remember.” My voice shook but I managed to go on. “You remember how great it is when we’re together. No one can ever take that away from us, Brendan. No one.”
“I’m not going back to California right now,” he suddenly blurted out.
“What?” The giant lump in my throat returned and it took everything I had to swallow it back down.
“I’m going with Julian for a while.”
I paused, trying to get a handle on my emotions. “And where is that?”
“Seattle.”
“Oh,” I whispered. Time. He needed time, I told myself. It was the only way I could get him back. “For how long?”
“I don’t know,” he said quietly.
“Oh.” He let out a breath and brushed his fingers over the photograph. “I’ll try not to be too long.”
In the most grown up thing I’d ever done in my life I said, “Take all the time you need. I’ll be here, waiting for you when you’re ready to come back.”
What I really wanted to do was kick and scream and beg for him to stay by my side. I couldn’t live without him, therefore I didn’t care what he wanted as long as he stayed. But I had to grow up now.
He rested his hand on my thigh, sending a different kind of chill through me. “Thank you, Evs.”
With that, he stood and walked out the door, not once looking back over his shoulder.
I stayed in the room long enough to be certain that Brendan and Julian had left. I didn’t want to face my friends, but it was inevitable. We were all driving back to California together. Two days in the car would mean that at some point I’d need to speak to them. Unfortunately, that happened a little sooner than I expected.
“Can I come in?” Kain asked. He was standing in the doorway and I hadn’t yet moved from my perch at the edge of the bed. It may have been five minutes, twenty minutes, or an hour. I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting there.
“Sure,” I choked out. “Are you guys all ready?” Wiping my eyes and nose, I tried to put on a mature face. He sat down next to me.
“Yeah, we’re ready when you are.” After a long pause he asked, “Brendan’s not coming?”
I just shook my head, afraid that speaking would break open the floodgates.
“I’m sorry,” he said solemnly.
I stared at him. He appeared sincere, but for the life of me I had no idea why this guy was still being nice to me. Wasn’t it obvious by now that I screwed up every relationship in my life? That I was incapable of keeping friends, lovers, or family members close to me? Wasn’t it obvious that I was a horrible person?
“So, Julian had a few things to discuss while you were packing,” Kain continued.
“Julian?”
“Yes. He seems to think that we’re going to need his help for the upcoming war.”
“War?” I questioned. “What war?”
“The one you incited against Lucian?”
I remained speechless.
“He’s going to come after us all, Eviana. You’re just as strong if not more powerful than he is and now that he’s seen that, he won’t stop until you’re gone. And along with the Dumahls come the Matthews, so he’ll be coming after both of us.”
This was just too much right now. “Kain…I can’t.” Shaking my head back and forth I finally pushed my face into my hands. “I just can’t deal with this right now.”
“You don’t have a choice, Eviana. You’re the leader now, whether you like it or not. And with that comes a responsibility for the safety and security of your people. Your personal issues no longer take precedence.”
“I understand that but-”
“No! You don’t get to sulk. You don’t get to grieve for your loss. Your time is over. A war is coming and we need to prepare. You need to prepare, Eviana. You need to act like the leader everyone knew you were meant to be.” He grabbed the shield on my chest and pulled it far enough away that I could look down and see it. “This means that you were destined, Eviana. Your mother was an amazing leader but now it’s your time. People are counting on you. I’m counting on you.”
That comment caught my attention. “What do you mean?”
“Your mother and I had all but joined our two families together after you left.” I cringed at the hidden pain behind those words. “We presented a united front and I think it’s in all our interest if we continue to do so.” He finally dropped the shield but picked up my hand instead. “You and I are going to have to work closely together in order to keep Lucian away and build trust amongst our clan members. We’re young and not everyone will think we’re up for the job. But together we are strong. We can prove to them that we’re worth following and that we will protect our people.”
I looked into his blue eyes and smiled wistfully. He had such faith in me. Even after I’d proven his loyalties were misplaced time and time again, he was still standing by my side. I’d literally left him at the altar but yet he came to help me when I asked. I didn’t deserve this kind of treatment from anyone, but most of all from him.
I squeezed his hand. “Why are you so good to me?”
He sighed and looked down at his feet. “Because I love you, Eviana.” Before I could reply, he continued. “It might be a different kind of love now, but I still care. I always will.” He reached up and wiped away a tear that fell silently down my cheek. We gazed at each other for a moment.
“I’m so sorry for what I did to you.”
“I’ll live,” he replied with a crooked grin.
“No, it wasn’t right. I didn’t handle things right. I’m sorry. You deserve so much more.” He huffed and tried to pull his hand away, but I held tight. “Carissa is good. She’s good for you,” I finally said.
He quickly turned his head away. “It’s not like that with her.”
“But maybe it can be. And you deserve it, Kain. You deserve to be happy.”
He just smiled and stared at the floor. It was incredibly uncomfortable to have this conversation with each other, but it needed to be said. He needed to know how important he was to me and how much better off he’d be without me consuming his heart.
“We should go. It’s going to be a long trip.” He stood and offered me a hand up.
I accepted and when I was off the bed, he pulled me into an unexpected hug.
“I’m so sorry about your parents,” he breathed into my ear.
Suddenly, it dawned on me. I didn’t get to be selfish about the death of my parents or the loss of the love of my life because he’d never had t
hat opportunity either. His father died, he became clan leader, and I ran away all within a few weeks of each other. But his responsibilities trumped all other situations and he was forced to carry on. Ironically, I was now in a nearly identical situation. But I had Kain by my side to guide me through it. For the second time, I thought maybe Brendan was right after all. Maybe everything was about to change for me.
I pulled back and looked up at Kain. He smiled down at me with sympathy in his eyes and his wonderful heart on his sleeve. His attractive tanned face and streaked blond hair only added to the beauty he possessed inside. I reached up to touch his cheek, feeling another tear trickle down my face. He placed his hand on top of mine and held it there, against his face, then briefly closed his eyes. For a moment the whole world felt right. No more pain. No more war. Just the two of us standing here on the precipice of a new beginning. He started to lean toward me and I didn’t stop him. I wanted to feel the warmth of his lips on mine again. I needed it right now. I needed someone to love me.
“We have to get…going,” Carissa stuttered from the doorway. Her presence filled the room instantly and I could not only see, but feel Kain tense. He guiltily jumped away from me and pushed his hands into his pockets. I froze, not really knowing what to do or say.
“Huh,” Carissa said. She hadn’t moved any closer but her hands were now on her hips and she glared at Kain. “Looks like I got here just in time.”
“Carissa…don’t,” Kain said with a sigh. He started to walk toward her, but she turned on her heel and stomped out of the room. He followed closely behind, calling after her with despair.
And for the second time that day, another guy walked away from me.
I finished packing my meager belongings, opting to leave behind some of the things Brendan and I had bought together. It was too painful to see them and perhaps they’d give the next couple better luck. With one last look around the tiny efficiency, I pulled the door shut for the final time.
Daniel quickly grabbed my bags without saying a word. He hauled them to Kain’s expensive car and loaded up the trunk. Carissa sat in the passenger seat, staring ahead and forcing herself to appear indifferent. But I could tell she was upset, and that was just one more person I now owed an apology too.
