by Sarah Thorn
I shut my eyes tight and bit down on my lip. There was no way that I was going to allow myself to be sentimental. It was a one night stand in London and that is all it was. Nothing more. The anonymity had made it thrilling but it had also thankfully provided me with the safety net I needed at this point in my life - to move on and forget it ever happened.
I walked over to the bed again and climbed in. My feet hurt and I could feel a throbbing sensation in my chest. I couldn’t believe I missed his presence already. A man I barely knew. It doesn’t matter, I said to myself out loud. I’ll be out of the country in one week and all possibilities of meeting him again in my life would be gone. He will forever remain the blue eyed, blonde Englishman who I spent one magical night in London with. I closed my eyes and tried to will myself to fall back to sleep. If there was a way to forget him, forget the night, it would have to be through a weekend of sleep and a whole lot of academic work after that. And if there was anybody who could accomplish that, it was me.
*****
New Jersey in the middle of winter is cold, but nothing like the past months of chilling wind and rain that I had faced in London. Although it was raining here too on some days, and every time I stepped on a puddle I was reminded of our cozy walk around the Tower of London that night. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t seem to get him out of my mind. I hadn’t even said goodbye, I hadn’t left him a note with my name and email address. Absolutely nothing. A clean break.
“You look English too” my friend John said to me, studying my pallor as we sat together in the library, making notes for the upcoming seminar that we were researching for our Professor. I rolled my eyes and threw him a weak smile. John and I had been good friends, like minded and professional. My schedule and my crazy study habits had however pushed him away by the middle of our Second year. After my trip back from London, I had suddenly been instilled with a greater appreciation of relationships and friendships. I had, for some reason, learnt to cherish the few that I had.
“Please don’t tell me you’re still thinking about him” John said while scribbling furiously in his notes.
“You’d be thinking about him too, if you were me” I said and passed him a wink and he laughed. John being gay was an added bonus. We could talk about men freely, although in all honesty, he did most of the talking about men.
“That good huh?” he said and rolled his sharpened pencil towards me and sat back in his chair. Folding his arms across his chest he gave me his full attention.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t just leave your phone number Amber” he said after a few seconds.
“Because I was trying to have a successful one night stand. And not to mention that he lives in London!” I said, trying to keep my voice as low as possible.
“Hmmm” John mumbled and looked away, as if in deep thought.
“Well, I for one wouldn’t let someone like that just slip away without a second thought” he finally added and went back to reading the book that was lying open in front of him. I sighed deeply and shrugged my shoulders.
“If nothing else… It’s been good for me” I said with a broad grin and concentrated on my book again.
“I can see that” he said, without looking up.
*****
John and I were walking back to look for our Professor when he pointed at the maroon scarf around my neck.
“Since when did you develop a good taste in clothes? Is that like Cashmere or something?” he asked and started feeling the fabric between his fingers. I instinctively pulled away from him and lowered my voice while leaning in towards him conspiratorially.
“It’s his. I stole it. Apparently” I said and pursed my lips and frowned.
“You did not!” John nearly squealed and was laughing uncontrollably. “So wait. Now you’re going around wearing your English one-night-stand’s scarf around your neck?” he added, through his laughter. I jerked away from him and threw him a disgruntled look. I hadn’t thought about how weird the whole situation was till he pointed it out to me so blatantly.
“If you put it that way! I just happen to think it goes well with my sweaters” I said and lifted my nose up in the air in defiance.
“With ALL your sweaters?” he asked, he was still laughing. I didn’t bother to respond to that and instead quickened my pace and was now walking away from him.
“You better watch out Amber! You might just get your heart broken” I heard him say as I entered the quiet halls of the Geography building. I could hear his footsteps hurrying behind me, but I carried on forward. John couldn’t be right, could he? I mean, I didn’t even know the man’s name, I had no idea who he was. We had one night in London and it should have ended there. But my heart sank as I realized that I remembered in crystal clear detail, every mark on his body, the way his lips stretched across his face when he laughed. Most of all, the scarf still smelt of him and maybe John was right, that it was breaking my heart into bits and I didn’t even know it.
I stopped in my tracks in the middle of the long corridor which eventually ended in the office of my professor. My feet had turned into concrete, they just wouldn’t move. I was clutching two fat books and my notebook against my chest and I could feel my palms growing sweaty. My lips were quivering, my eyes were vacant and questioning. I could hear my heart beating loudly in the silent corridor. With nothing else but the slow shuffle of John’s footsteps behind me as he was finally catching up with me.
I was looking ahead. Towards the end of the corridor, right where my professor’s office was. Two men were standing, shaking hands. I couldn’t hear them as I was far away enough to be out of earshot. One of them was unmistakably our professor, who was on the left, his back towards his office door while the man shaking his hand was Him. The same pale skin, the blonde hair in a slick brush away from his forehead. He was wearing the same sweater in fact, only in a different Grey shade. I couldn’t see his eyes as his face was in profile. But there was no mistaking it, it was him. In fact there was no turning back either, they had seen me - standing there in the middle of the corridor, clutching my books to my chest, a frightened expression on my face, while around my neck was wrapped His maroon scarf.
*****
I was going to make a run for it. That was the plan. Especially since I saw him walking towards me. John ruined it. He had reached my side by now and nudged me on the shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” he asked me and there was genuine concern in his voice. I turned to look at him and the words were choking in my throat.
“It’s HIM” I croaked out and John’s eyes widened and he softly gasped. He had walked over to us by now.
“Nice scarf” I heard him say and I slowly turned to look at him. I was blushing, no burning, through my cheeks and my knuckles grew white as I tightened my grip around the books I was holding.
“I didn’t realize I had it with me” I said, the words coming out in a jumble, or so I thought. He laughed at that, that same happy and loud laugh. His blue eyes were focused on my face, but he sometimes threw a look at John as well, who was standing beside me in complete horrified silence. Neither of us could believe this was happening.
“Elizabeth asked me to say hi” he said and gave me a soft smile. His eyes remained fixed on my face and I tried very hard to not look at him. His words didn’t fail to have their effect on me though. He could probably tell that I was confused, confused out of my wits.
“Did you not know?” he asked and his eyes widened, although they still contained a hint of laughter. I didn’t want him to start laughing again.
“That you know Elizabeth?” I asked him, spitting the words out. I somehow felt deceived. Like some great injustice had been carried out against me. My worst nightmare was unfolding and all he could do was laugh.
“Well, one becomes acquainted with their own classmates over time. It’s only natural is it not?” he asked with a slight laugh. He looked at John for support but since he didn’t find any over there, he turned his gaze at me again.
“All right. I didn’t know you were classmates with Elizabeth” I said angrily. I was trying hard to not raise my voice, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep my cool. I couldn’t understand why he was so calm and understanding about it.
“You and I were classmates as well Amber. You just always had your nose buried in books every time we attended a class together” he said finally, after a few seconds of silence. My world began to spin. I couldn’t believe that I had spent nearly six months in the same class as Him, but hadn’t even known.
“I…I thought Elizabeth had bumped into a group of strangers at the pub” I managed to say, more to myself than to him. John’s sudden giggle brought me out of my thoughts and I snapped my head to throw him a threatening look. I couldn’t believe he was finding all of this so funny.
“I believe you entirely. I knew you didn’t know me” he said, he still had a sly smile on his face as he looked at me with his piercing blue eyes.
“Which is why you knew I wasn’t from London” I said, again to my self. The whole night was taking a completely new shape in my head and I was growing more angry by the minute. I was beginning to believe he had deceived me in some way.
“So you thought you were…” he began and cleared his throat, “hanging out with a complete stranger?” he finished and tried to stifle a laugh. I shook my head in disgust and took in a few deep breaths.
“What are you doing here anyway?” I asked him, I had thrown my nose up in the air to try and pretend that I didn’t care what he thought.
“I’m on an Erasmus program here for six months. Same as you were at King’s” he said coolly, digging his hands into his jeans casually. I didn't want to hear any more. That bit of information was good enough for my heart to stop and I whipped around and started walking away from where he and John were standing.
“I’m Marvin by the way. I know your name but I figured you didn’t know mine” I heard his strong voice behind me and I stopped in my tracks. There was finally a name attached with the face I saw every night in my sleep. I grabbed the scarf around my neck and pulled it apart in concentric circles. I barely turned around but flipped the scarf over my shoulder towards where Marvin and John were still standing.
“You can have your scarf back” I said to him as I realized that it must have fallen on the floor, missing him by at least a foot.
“I didn’t want it back” he said, but I had started walking away again. It was too much. All of this was too much to wrap my head around, understand and deal with. The shock of seeing him in America, in my college was bad enough. The shock of finding out that he knew who I was all along, was an additional pile-on that I just didn’t know how to process. For the first time as I stepped back outside I started thinking about how bad of an idea it had been to sleep with him. I shouldn’t have done something so out of character, I shouldn’t have taken that risk. Now I was left feeling disgusted with myself, embarrassed and betrayed.
I started walking back towards my student accommodation, I had forgotten all about meeting with my professor to discuss the notes I had made in the library. The thought of having Marvin in my life for at lest six more months, technically till the end of college, was increasingly seeming like the worst thing that could have happened to me.
*****
I had gingerly walked into class the next day and found Marvin sitting in the front, with John beside him. John had seen me walk into class and he waved at me to come over. Although usually I always sat in the front, this day I tried hard to inconspicuously slide into one of the seats right at the back.
All through class I could see Marvin’s sophisticated blonde haircut from the back, his wide neck and his strong shoulders stooped over the book he was taking notes in. I couldn’t concentrate. In fact I barely had any interest. All I could do was think about how embarrassing the whole situation was and what its consequences would be.
As I slipped out of class in haste, I felt a hand tug at my arm and I was whipped around. It was John, with a worried expression on his face.
“Amber. What’s the matter? I thought we were all friends here” he said softly, making sure that nobody else around us heard.
“Are you suddenly Marvin’s best friend are you?” I nearly yelled out to him. My fury was rising again, especially since I could see Marvin standing in front of a vending machine near by.
“I’m just being polite to him. Showing him around Amber” John said, he let my arm drop from his hands.
“Sure” I said curtly and crossed my arms across my chest. My flannel shirt felt soft and comforting against my skin. I had managed to tie my messy copper curls into a haphazard plait and it hung limp from over my right shoulder.
“I’m serious. I’ll stop if it’s this awkward for you” John continued and glared at him. He did look sorry to be fair.
“How is it not awkward John? How is it not awkward for him?” I blurted out and immediately regretted it as Marvin was now standing only a few feet away from us, eating some chips from a bag.
“Because he knew you. He didn’t think he was sleeping with a stranger. And it was consensual Amber” John replied. He had raised his voice as well.
“I know it was consensual. I just thought it was over. I didn’t think he’d appear here out of nowhere” I said, my voice dropping to a near whisper.
“Well, it might be unfortunate. But he’s here now and we can’t be rude to him” John said.
“You can be as not-rude to him as you like. I can’t join the bandwagon is all I’m saying” I said quickly and walked past him and then Marvin. Without giving him a look.
“Amber!” I heard Marvin call out. His English accent was even more thick and pronounced in my own familiar surroundings. I stopped when I heard his hurried footsteps catch up with me. I turned around to look at him with a raised eyebrow. He was wearing a plain black T-shirt today with his jeans. His pale muscular arms stuck out from the sleeves while the fabric of the T-shirt stretched across his wide chest and fell loose around his tapering flat abdomen.
“I didn’t mean to cause trouble” he said softly. He wasn’t smiling today and something inside me ached, I wanted to see him smile and hear him laugh. I pursed my lips instead and nodded my head.
“I get it. You didn't mean to cause trouble. But we can’t be friends okay?” I said quickly. Averting his eyes as much as I possibly could. I could feel him staring intently at my face and I wanted to run away to my room and hide under the covers. I was so afraid of my own feelings.
“Okay” I heard him say after a few seconds of silence. “I understand that this is all a surprise for you. I had no idea that you thought I was a stranger. I apologize that it didn’t work out the way you would have liked it to” he said, in the same soft gentle manner. I focused on his thick fingers and the big palm of his hands. I wanted him to hold my hands and lace his fingers through mine, the way he had unabashedly done that night in London.
“I’ll deal with it” is all I could say and turned away from him and walked away. He didn’t follow me, or call out to me anymore. I wish he had, or maybe it was good that he didn’t. Either way, I could feel a part of me dying with my retreating footsteps out of the department building. Till the moment that I didn’t know who he was, till the moment that I hadn’t seen him again, there was no hope and that was in some strange way-satisfying. Now that he was in my life, everyday, the absence of hope yet having him so close to me, made it harder. I couldn’t control my feelings or my sadness anymore. Marvin was the man I had spent a night of passion with in a foreign land. He was the one I wanted. Yet, it would be impossible.
I walked towards the library. John had clearly decided to be polite to a guest in the college and had chosen a handsome young charmer over myself. So now I was alone again. Well, at least if nothing else, I had graduation to look forward to. After that I had plans of working on my dissertation proposal and then another five to six years working on my PHD thesis and research. For some reason, this ver
y prospect that made my heart race six months ago, depressed me now. I had tasted what romance felt like, I had tasted what it felt to laugh and run in the rain with somebody, I knew now what it meant to be cradled and hugged to sleep. I didn’t know anymore how to settle for anything less.
*****
It had been a week since I had last spoken to Marvin, or John. I was sitting on the steps of the library, sipping an Oreo milkshake through a straw. It had started to get dark and I was watching the setting sun in the horizon, past the tall tress which shaded this part of the campus.
