“Hi Jocelyn. How are you doing?” he asked. His voice was quiet, either from trying not to be heard or from grief.
“I’m all right. How are you?”
“I’ve been better. Look, I’ve been thinking and it wasn’t right for me to tell you that you couldn’t come with me. You are my family now, and I should have been firm about that. My mom and I got into it last night, she was saying all these awful things about us and our marriage, and I realized that the only people looking out for us is you and me,” he said.
Jocelyn said nothing, knowing that now there was only him looking out for them.
“I’m coming back on Friday, and when I get back I want us to talk. Really talk. I know you haven’t been happy in Boston and I’ve been so selfish not thinking about what you want. I’ve only been thinking about me, and my career, and my future. I’m so sorry,” he said.
“No, Will-” she started.
“Don’t give up on us yet. I mean, if you haven’t already,” he said.
Her breath caught in her throat. Could he know?
“Let’s talk when you get back,” she said finally.
“I can’t wait to see you again. Being away from you has made me realize even more how much I love you,” he said.
Jocelyn felt tears well up in her eyes.
“Good-bye,” she said.
“Bye babe,” he said and hung up.
CHAPTER 12
Jocelyn started cleaning their apartment and got into such a zone that she didn’t notice the hours pass. It was nearly noon that her cleaning frenzy and deep thoughts were interrupted by her ringing cell phone. This time it was Anna.
“Hello?” she answered. It was impossible to keep the distress completely out of her voice.
“Jocelyn, what happened now?” asked Anna. Her voice had a hint of disappointment, and for a second Jocelyn considered not telling her.
“I think I went too far,” she said.
“What’s too far?” asked Anna.
“Well…”
“You slept with this guy?”
Jocelyn’s silence gave Anna her answer.
“Oh Joc, I can’t believe you did that!”
“I know, I know! It seemed like a good idea two glasses of wine and three apple martinis in. Now I just feel awful,” she said.
“So this guy got you drunk,” Anna said as more of a statement than a question.
“No, I got myself drunk, and will you stop calling him ‘this guy?’”
“I can’t, he’s just such an – well, he’s an asshole, but I don’t think you want me to keep referring to him as that,” she said.
“Anna, honestly he’s so sweet,” said Jocelyn. She could feel her headache coming back.
“If he was such a stand-up guy wouldn’t he have waited for you to be legally single before making a move?”
“I was a willing participant,” said Jocelyn.
“But now you regret it,” said Anna.
“Now I regret it,” she repeated.
“Well, that’s good. At least you have a little bit of a conscience.”
“Anna, please! I’m upset enough as it is.”
“All right, all right. I suppose you’re suffering enough. Listen, it’s not the end of the world. It may be the end of your marriage, but if it is then you’ll have to deal with that. I think at this point you need to accept what you did and be honest with Will. Then you two can sit down and decide if you want to try again or if this whole thing is just a sign that your relationship is too far gone,” said Anna.
Jocelyn nodded even though Anna couldn’t see that. She was making sense.
“He’ll be home Friday,” said Jocelyn.
“Good. You have five days to think about what you’ve done and prepare what you’re going to say. Young lady,” Anna added with a small laugh.
“I wish you were here,” said Jocelyn.
“Just come down and visit soon. I miss you,” said Anna.
Jocelyn hung up the phone and sat on the couch, in the same place she had first discovered she was having a miscarriage. She felt so drained she thought she could sit there until Will came home.
Jocelyn left their apartment and walked through Boston until she got to the Charles River. It wasn’t the same as the long walks she used to take in her hometown; it was cold here, and crowded, and there was definitely no citrus, but it would have to do. It was cold but sunny, and she wrapped her scarf around her neck so it covered part of her face. The air felt nice, invigorating. As she walked she tried to breathe through her scarf, hoping to quell her anxiety.
Will wanted her to stay, he wanted to work things out. And a part of her was thinking that Colin had been a huge mistake, but a wonderful mistake. Being with Colin had made her feel different than when she was with Will; alive, and beautiful, and free. Will was so familiar; but was that a good thing? She didn’t know.
The river sparkled under the afternoon sun, sailboats in the distance, buildings reflecting light and giving the whole scene a magical quality. Everyone here moved quickly, talked fast, thought about things she’d never considered. She missed the slower pace of Florida, but she had to admit she really liked it here. There was a mix of people here she didn’t have in Florida.
Ahead of her an older couple had stopped at the midpoint of the bridge and they leaned against the railing. They looked to be in their late sixties or early seventies; old enough to have the freedom of time, young enough to enjoy it. She smiled as the woman pointed at something in the distance and the man laughed and put his arm around her. It stabbed at her heart in a longing way. Then the woman dug something out of her pocket and turned, looking for someone
or something.
“Excuse me, would you take our picture?” the woman asked Jocelyn, who was now walking by, handing her the cell phone.
“Sure,” she said cheerfully. She took the cell phone and held it up against the sun,
focusing on the couple. Anna would have been better at this, but Jocelyn was happy to be capturing what she saw as a special moment for the couple. “Smile.”
She handed the phone back and the woman gave her a warm smile.
“Thanks so much, honey,” she said. Her husband grinned too, and then they turned back to the river. Jocelyn kept on walking, and tears stung her eyes. This is what it would be like with Will; lasting love, a lifetime of possibilities. Colin was just a distraction from the upheaval their lives had recently taken, the pain she’d just gone through. He wasn’t the love of her life. She needed to tell Will everything, and beg for forgiveness, and then spend her life making it up to him.
If he forgave her.
Jocelyn was picking up Will from the airport the next day, and her stomach hadn’t settled down since she’d decided to tell him everything. She knew she was doing the right thing, and she kept the couple on the bridge in her thoughts every time she started to change her mind. She couldn’t let fear dictate her future. She’d made a mistake and now she had to be brave and own up to it. Maybe Will would understand. Maybe he would know that the pain of losing their baby had clouded her judgement, and it was all compounded by the rushed marriage, the move away from her family and giving up her career.
And maybe he wouldn’t understand, and she knew that. She loved him though, and she would do what she could to save their marriage.
At a quarter to five the day before Jocelyn would tell Will the truth, Colin stopped by her desk.
“Can we talk tonight?” he asked.
She looked around nervously.
“Why?” she asked.
“I think we have some things to straighten out,” he said.
She bit her lip.
“Where?” she asked.
“My place. I’ll make dinner.”
Her stomach dropped.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” she said.
“Just dinner. Nothing else,” he said.
She looked around again. Sophie was coming down the hall.
�
�Okay. I’ll be there at seven.”
Jocelyn’s anxiety was at an all-time high as she entered Colin’s apartment, the scene of the ultimate crime. The cab ride over had been a nerve-filled experience, with Jocelyn nearly telling the driver several times to turn around and take her home. She couldn’t stop thinking about her conversation with Will earlier, and how he’d ended it with an “I love you,” while she had simply hung up.
Colin’s apartment seemed different than last time somehow. She didn’t know if it was the candles glowing softly in the dining room or whether the curtain of guilt was hanging more heavily. He greeted her with a sheepish grin, and she couldn’t help but be taken in by him all over again; his eyes, his smile, the way his body towered over her and made her feel small, like he could just toss her around.
“You look beautiful,” he said, shutting the door behind her.
“Thank you,’ she said. She’d purposely worn pants, and as she walked by the wall where Colin had pushed her up and entered her, she was glad. The urge to do that again was strong.
He led her into the dining room where the table was carefully set with silver, elegant napkins, and crystal wine glasses. They should’ve gone out.
“Would you like a glass of wine?” he asked.
“Sure,” she said. She had debated about whether to drink tonight and eventually decided that she would need at least a glass of wine to relax enough to say what she had to say.
Colin poured the red wine high in the crystal, and Jocelyn sipped it as she sat at the table.
“I can’t believe you did all this,” she said.
Colin turned a light shade of red.
“It’s nothing,” he said.
He took a few steps into the kitchen and opened the oven, checking on something that was in there.
“What are we having?” she asked.
“Eggplant parmesan,” he said.
She turned her head to one side.
“Did you know that was my favorite?” she asked.
He grinned.
“Is it?”
“Yeah,” she said. She picked up the wine glass and took another sip.
“You may have mentioned it once,” he said.
He closed the oven and joined Jocelyn at the table.
“We have a few minutes before dinner is ready.”
“Okay,” she said.
“Jocelyn, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” she said. She set down her glass, curious as to what he would have to say.
“You’ve been kind of distant this week, like you’re avoiding me. Is everything all right?”
“I never expected all this, and it’s just happening so fast. And I never really saw myself as an adulterer, you know?”
He nodded.
“You’re going to stay with him, aren’t you?” He looked a little disappointed, but Jocelyn was surprised. She’d expected him to be more upset.
“I don’t know. He’s coming back tomorrow, and I’m going to have to tell him everything and see if he’ll stay or go,” she said.
He gave a weak laugh.
“So I should be on guard for the next couple of days,” he said.
“Will wouldn’t do anything to you,” she said.
“A man in love can get pretty irrational,” he said.
A man in love. Was that what Will was? She sighed.
“I don’t want to talk to you about this,” she said.
He stood to return to the kitchen.
“I understand,” he said.
The next few minutes were awkward and tense. Colin silently cooked while Jocelyn sipped her wine and stared off into space. She was relieved when the timer went off, signaling that dinner was ready.
“Here you go,” said Colin. He placed a plate heaping with pasta and breaded eggplant in front of her.
“I like your oven mitts,” she teased. They were blue and white checked with red apples scattered about.
“They’re from my mum,” he said.
Jocelyn cut off a piece of the golden brown eggplant and melted cheese and put it in her mouth.
“This is delicious,” she said.
“I’m glad you like it,” he said. His smile put her at ease once again, and their awkward conversation was forgotten.
The evening passed as pleasantly as Saturday night had, and Jocelyn found herself getting caught up in her feelings for Colin again.
They moved to the couch will full glasses of wine after dinner, and sat close, talking. Jocelyn felt comfortable and was able to keep Will from entering her mind. Colin didn’t try anything, and even if he had, Jocelyn was prepared to shoot him down. It was nearly eleven o’clock before she set her glass down.
“I should go,” she said.
“I’ll drive you,” he said.
“That’s all right, I can get a cab,” she said, standing to go.
Colin stood also.
“I insist. It’s late and there are a lot of drunk people out. I’m sober,” he said. “Okay,” she said.
Colin grabbed a jacket while Jocelyn gathered her belongings, and together they walked to his car.
Jocelyn played with the radio the whole drive home, filling the awkward silence of the car with nervous fiddling.
Colin pulled up in front of her apartment and put one hand on her knee.
“Look, Jocelyn, whatever happens, I’m okay with it. I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything. If you want to be with me, that’s great. But if you decide that you want to stay with your husband, I’m okay with that too,” he said.
She smiled.
“I appreciate that,” she said.
“I’ll see you,” he said. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. Then she got out of the car and went into her apartment, where the exhaustion from a week’s worth of anxiety and indecision put her almost immediately to sleep.
Jocelyn spent the next day in a state of perpetual anxiety while she waited for the time to pick up Will from the airport. She didn’t know how to dress to tell her husband she’d been cheating on him. What does one wear to something like that? She must have tried on a dozen outfits before she put on something conservative, something that wouldn’t scream adulterer, and left to pick him up.
She hailed a cab and told the driver to take her to Logan Airport. She sat with her hands in her lap, watching them tremble. They were supposed to go to dinner but she didn’t think eating was going to be possible, with anxiety tumbling around like a towel in a dryer.
She sat in the back of the cab behind the driver, trying not to make eye contact. She wasn’t in the mood to talk. Luckily the cab driver seemed to share the sentiment, and he turned up his music, blaring Taylor Swift from the speakers. Jocelyn looked out the window at the passing city. She was reminded of the day she had the miscarriage, when she’d hurtled through Boston much the same way. What a wild time she’d had so far in Boston, and not in a good way.
The cab lurched sharply to the right, and Jocelyn threw her arms out in front to keep herself from hitting the divider.
“Jesus!” she exclaimed. The cab driver glanced in the rearview mirror, obviously not concerned with his own chaotic driving.
She sighed and settled back into the seat, returning her gaze to the buildings whirling by. She needed to practice what she was going to say to Will.
I have something to tell you. While you were away…
She didn’t know where to go from there. While you were away I slept with a coworker? While you were away I may have fallen in love with someone else?
But that wasn’t true. Even if she did have feeling for Colin that were heading toward love, it hadn’t come on suddenly this week. It had been building for months, while her marriage had been deteriorating.
Since we’ve moved to Boston-
She didn’t get a chance to think of what to say next. The cab was screeching again, this time as it tried to stop. Jocelyn heard the blaring of multiple horns, including the cab’s. A black pickup truck hurtled to
ward her door, its grill and lights getting closer and closer. She barely had time to scream before everything went black.
PART TWO
Anna, 6 Years Ago
CHAPTER 13
On the same day that Jocelyn discovered her father having an affair, in another part of Florida, Anna found out she got the lead in their school play.
“I’m so excited!” she gushed, then stopped when she realized she was talking to her best friend Fiona, who had also auditioned for the role. They’d sworn they would be okay with whoever won the role, but now that it was Anna, it seemed like Fiona wasn’t holding up to her end of the bargain.
“That’s great,” said Fiona.
“And you’re the countess, which means we can practice reading lines together,” said Anna.
“Sure,” said Fiona, trying to sound excited, but her eyes betrayed her.
Anna could understand why Fiona was upset. She hadn’t dreamed Anna would get the part. Fiona was a real actress, having studied theatre since she was a child. She did local productions and had even done a few commercials. That Anna had been chosen as the lead was surprising, but, she figured, showed how much natural talent she had, just like her father had said.
“There’s no way you were better than Fiona,” said their friend Tina when they told her the news later. They were at the local pizza place, eating as they did every Friday before they snuck off into the woods to meet the rest of their high school at a bonfire.
“I don’t know, why else would they choose me?” asked Anna, taking a bite. She’d known there would be some surprise, but as soon as they saw her perform they’d understand that she was just as good as Fiona. I mean, how hard was it to act, anyway? You just made the appropriate faces and recited the lines.
Natalie opened her mouth to say something but Fiona shook her head no.
“What?” asked Anna, looking at Fiona.
“Nothing,” she said, and tried to sneak a meaningful glance at the other two.
Anna looked at Natalie and Tina, who were suddenly very interested in their own pizza.
“What?” she said again.
Natalie started again and Fiona shook her off again.
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