by Cesca Major
Dedication
To my daddy.
Monday 18th August 1952
She hadn’t told her mother where she was going but had slipped out early before she woke. Betty had been easy to persuade; the housekeeper was far too soft a touch. She tied Jenny’s hair into a loose plait and tapped her on the back of the legs, telling her not to be too long. She did the smile that Jenny knew meant she was complicit in her secret.
She set off down the path behind the house, the air already warm, the ground giving off that sweet damp smell, soft from the recent rainfall. The sun was leaking across the sea as she looked down the garden and out over the cliff edge to the water beyond. There were oranges and pinks and a pale blue shimmering above it all. It always made her suck in her breath, how wide it was, how enormous, and there she was, this little ant, a speck really, sneaking down the garden and out onto the cliff path.
She looked back towards the house, guilty for a moment for not kissing her mother good morning. Her mother was up later and later these days, since her father had gone away. Her bedroom curtains were still closed, the dull cream fabric hanging still, Betty’s silhouette moving past the downstairs windows as she bustled about preparing for the day. Jenny swallowed the feeling that she shouldn’t be leaving her, desperate to be out and exploring. She loved the clifftop and the coves at this time of day; she had seen two dolphins the week before, splashing out of the water at the same moment before plunging under and doing it again. They had crossed the cove, the early-morning sun glistening on their backs slick with water. Jenny thought she’d never seen anything more incredible.
There was no one up on the clifftop in either direction, the path fell away from her on either side and she could see along it for ages. A shadow appeared on her side, startling her, a hand flying to her chest, moving quickly across her, a seagull, its enormous beak hooked and orange. Jenny felt her shoulders drop as it came to rest a little way off, on the top of a fence post, one wary eye watching her. She saluted it and ran off down the path that led to the little cove below their house. Perhaps she would find more shells for her collection. She wondered where the tide would be, how much of the sand would be exposed.
She dodged puddles, patches of mud drying at the edges, small pools of water collected in the bottom. Clumps of grass made the path uneven as she picked her way down to the rocks that formed a jutting, wonky staircase to a shelf overlooking the bay. There she could take off her shoes, jump down, and get sucked into the sand, the wet grains squelching right over her toes and feet. Sometimes she imagined sinking down further and that thought would make her heart pitter-patter a bit faster and she would scold herself for thinking it at all.
She was always careful when she made her way down, putting both hands out to hold onto the grass and rocks that seemed to emerge from the cliff face to help her. She would cling to the clumps of soil, find her footing and lean her weight into the cliff. She could hear the waves crashing against the rocks somewhere beneath her, relentless and unstoppable. Sometimes they sounded enormous, sometimes pathetic, as if they had no energy for it. Last week’s waves had been high, spitting white foam into the air to land back down on the already darkened wet rocks. She could smell the change in the air, the stench of seaweed and salt; she could taste it on her lips.
The sun was firmly in the sky now, pushing aside clouds. It was going to be hot and Jenny hoped her mother would want to sit outside today. She pictured the curtains shut again and then tried to push that thought aside as if she was the sun. She felt for the next rock, always careful here as it was the steepest part, checking the rock with her foot, making sure it was safe and secure before she lowered her weight down. She went to stand, moving her hands to find the next place, when a gentle gust seemed to brush past her and her left foot wobbled, her hands shooting out desperately to grasp onto something. She righted herself, sweat breaking out in her hairline as she seized a patch of long grass firmly in her fist, took a breath, surprised that she could hear it in her own ears. Careful, Jenny. She thought of her mother then. Just them now. Careful, Jenny.
She made it to the bottom and a smile stretched across her face as she saw that most of the cove was uncovered. She unbuckled her shoes, took her socks off quickly and left them on the shelf of rock, feeling the warmth of the stone as she prepared to jump down. Underneath the shelf to the left was a semi-circle of rocks, a deep pool carpeted in seaweed, a tempting place for crabs and smaller fish. She peered down to look at it, frowning when she saw something trapped between the rocks in the gulley where the sea washed in and out.
She jumped off the flat stone, felt the sand give and gasped at the sudden shock of cold up to her ankles. There was a strip of beach ahead of her still wet from the water rolling in and getting sucked back out again. Two birds flew high above, coming to rest on the ledges of the cliff with others already nestled in the walls. She felt they had come to watch and turned her body towards the rock pool.
Whatever was trapped was large, bumping up against the walls of the gulley in the froth and white of the surf. Jenny stepped towards it, her body in shadow as a rock ahead of her blocked out the sun, plunging the space into a dull grey light. Her eyes had to adjust to the sudden change and she blinked, freezing for a second as she thought she saw something impossible.
She could feel goosebumps breaking out on her skin now the sun had disappeared and she hugged herself to warm up. As she neared the rock pool the sea swept in, nearly reaching her toes and moving through the gulley, lifting the object to the surface. The sound she made was drowned out by the water draining away. A leg, she thought. A monster’s leg. She stepped backwards quickly, once, twice, falling down into the sand on her bottom, the water instantly seeping through the thin cotton of her skirt and underclothes. She scrambled backwards, not wanting to turn her back but needing to get away. Her hands sank hopelessly, her fingers covered in the grainy sand that stuck to her skin, speckled her legs and arms. The leg again, not at all the colour of human flesh, but a leg definitely.
Jenny finally managed to stand, wavering on the spot now, wanting to lift herself back up onto the shelf, clamber up to the clifftop, run up the path, through the garden, to the back door and into a warm embrace from Betty, who would smell of cinnamon and cigarettes. She would stay firmly nuzzled into Betty’s chest as her breathing calmed and she was able to tell her the story. They would telephone the policemen from the telephone box on the road by the lookout point.
But she would have to be sure of what she had seen; she couldn’t very well run all the way back and then make her mother get the police if she wasn’t sure. It didn’t look like a leg, it was double the size really and the wrong colour entirely. Perhaps she had dreamt it, confused things in the light.
She would have to check; she knew that now. She licked her lips and wiped the hair off her forehead. She heard the waves flood in, and back, taking their next breath, waiting for her.
Do it quickly, Jenny, she thought. As when Betty had pulled that thorn out of her foot in one quick swipe rather than tug at it and drag on the skin. She stepped forward, determined, quickening her pace and looping around wider so she could see right down the gulley. And there it was, trapped between the two rocks, the feet facing her, a whole body, no underclothes, a sleeve of pink material, hair fanned out over where the face should have been. It was enough. It wasn’t natural, didn’t look like anything she had seen or even imagined before. She knew that the image wouldn’t leave her. For her whole life it would be the worst thing she’d ever see.
She turned then, fast, diving onto the shelf, lifting her legs up quickly and pushing her feet into her shoes, abandoning her socks; they would slow her. The leather protested
and stuck to her wet feet, there was sand all over her, coating her. She climbed swiftly, the clifftop impossibly far away, hands reaching, pulling herself up, not looking back at what she had left.
She couldn’t get the image out of her mind though. Her hand on the rock; the feet, blue and stiff, toes swollen huge like bumblebee stings. Her hand on the grass, heaving herself up; the hair splayed in strips across the skin. Her hand clutching weeds; the leg that didn’t look like a leg. Right up onto the clifftop, grateful for the whistle of the wind then, the sound of the water on the rocks fading, replaced by the cry of a bird. Jenny ran; the body rotating in the gulley, no clothes. She ran all the way to the house. The body in the water always with her.
Her mother’s face in the kitchen window, blank at first and then worried as she saw her daughter’s expression, her wet clothes. Greeted at the back door, urgent, hands on her shoulders. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’
Jenny panting, snatching breaths, pointing behind her; the body bumping up against the walls of the gulley, again and again.
ABIGAIL
Three months earlier
‘Come on, you daft bint, keep up.’ The bicycle wobbled underneath her as she turned to yell at her best friend. Mary was always slower than her, her legs tucked in neatly, back straight, hair tidily pinned, an even circular movement as she pedalled.
Abigail, on the other hand, loved to get some speed up, to feel the bump of the ground beneath her, the wind lifting her hair, twisting it this way and that, loved to hear the high screech of the brakes. Rising out of her seat, she lurched forward as she came to a dramatic stop.
She put her foot down on the ground, peered behind her and saw a man in a pin-striped suit and bowler hat on his way to work, his mouth moving into a thin line of disapproval as she giggled at Mary descending the hill slowly in the neatest line.
Mary came to a stop just behind her, her breathing a little heavier perhaps as she rolled her eyes at Abigail’s expression. ‘Oh do shut up! I won’t be the one to get run over by a motor car.’
‘This is true, not unless it’s being driven by someone very, very blind.’
Mary was holding a loose strand of her hair back, a pin in her mouth, which stopped her poking her tongue out. Abigail laughed, gazing down the hill that swept round and down to Bristol harbour. It was a grey day, the weather stubbornly refusing to shift, the buildings muted. Even the pigeons looked rather fed up and jaded, pecking half-heartedly at something under a bench across the road. Behind them the top of the Wills Memorial Building could just be spotted, rising above Park Street at the centre of the city.
‘Where are we even going?’ Mary called.
Abigail didn’t answer, just pushed herself off, pedalling furiously, laughing at the thought of Mary’s open-mouthed face as she swept down the hill, freewheeling over the concrete, down Jacob’s Wells Road, past a newly built block of apartments on a site that she’d thought would stay rubble for eternity.
Mary took so long to catch up that Abigail had time to prop up her bicycle and lie flat on a bench near the quay. She stretched out, her eyes shut, smiling to herself. A shadow fell across her body and she opened one eye.
‘What are you doing?’ Mary had her hands on her hips.
‘I am lounging,’ Abigail stated, sighing and closing her eyes again. ‘I am rather weary from the ride and I need to rest.’
‘You are impossible. Well budge up then.’
‘Get your own bench.’
Mary was quiet but the shadow hadn’t left. Abigail opened an eye.
‘Yes, I am still here,’ Mary said, her mouth twitching.
‘Fine, but I am old and weary and you should feel terrible for making me mov—’
‘Oh budge up,’ Mary said, swatting Abigail and laughing as she sat on the end of the bench.
Abigail sat up straight and grinned at her.
They stayed like that for a while just looking out over the river, the water lapping gently against the quay. On the other side, men and women moved past in clusters, like shoals of fish shifting together. Builders called to each other from scaffolding and a swan glided past, oblivious to the two girls sitting watching him. The morning sun was still obscured by banks of cloud. Abigail loved Bristol in the morning.
‘I need to get back,’ Mary said, glancing at her wristwatch.
‘Oh no, don’t! How dull. Can’t we stay here all morning and talk about nothing?’
‘Some of us have work to go to.’ Mary folded her arms.
‘I have sandwich making,’ Abigail said with mock horror. ‘That counts as work, it’s deadly.’
‘The way you make them it is.’
Abigail sighed and nodded. ‘How true.’
‘Abigail Lovatt, you are hopeless and why are you making sandwiches anyway?’
‘We’re off to Bath today. Like proper ladies.’ She giggled, pouting at Mary and making her laugh.
‘I’d forgotten,’ Mary said, stretching her arms up and moving her neck from side to side.
‘I can buy you some material there if you like, you’re so good with that sewing machine, it’s thrilling to watch you.’
‘Don’t be silly, you’ve been saving forever.’
‘Yes, but I’ll make you make me something too. I am not completely idiotic.’
Mary laughed. ‘Of course I will,’ she said, a glint of excitement in her eyes. ‘I saw a photograph of Vivien Leigh the other day in the most marvellous skirt and I think I can pull it off.’
‘Oh that would be grand, she has the most fantastic cheekbones.’
‘I’m not sure a skirt will give you them,’ Mary said, shaking her head.
A man had emerged from a side street in front of them, on crutches, his right trouser leg pinned up around his knee. He passed them slowly, nodding an acknowledgement as he went by. They both fell silent, smiling at him with closed lips. He paused by the quay, fiddling with a box of matches as he tried to light a cigarette. The matches fell to the ground.
Abigail jumped up, walked towards him. ‘Let me.’
He was half-bending down to get them but she put a hand on his arm. He raised his eyes to hers, a cigarette drooping from his lips, then shrugged and stood up. She struck the match, cupped it quickly with one hand and held it to the cigarette.
‘Thanks,’ he said, drawing on it.
She handed the box back and stood by his side for a second. The swan was circling back towards them. She sneaked a look at the man’s profile. He wasn’t a great deal older than her, twenty-eight perhaps, maybe younger. His rounded cheeks were flushed pink. He seemed so like all the men before the war except a part of him was missing.
She had grown used to seeing the broken bits, men who had returned shockingly thin, with sunken faces, dark eyes and shaking hands, young men who had white hair at their temples. Abigail’s fists curled at the injustice of it; all these years later, the war leaving its reminders on their bodies.
The reminders were visible on Bristol too: the gaps in a terrace of houses, a pile of bricks waiting to be removed. He was looking across at the scaffolding, at the men working. ‘We’re getting there,’ he said. ‘You won’t know in a few years.’
She didn’t look at his leg, just nodded in agreement, wanting that to be true. Yet she knew they would always carry the war with them; you couldn’t just build a new house over the shell of the old one without seeing it in your mind as you passed.
‘You have a wonderful day, miss,’ he said, grinding his cigarette with the end of his crutch and smiling at her.
‘You too.’
She returned to the bench and watched the man move away. As she sat back down, Mary gave her a small smile.
‘Do you think we’ll ever get used to it?’ Abigail sighed.
‘No, and we shouldn’t,’ Mary said decisi
vely, both hands resting on her thighs.
Abigail scooted along the bench to her friend and dropped her head on her shoulder. ‘You are marvellous, Mary.’
Mary shrugged her off. ‘Don’t start,’ she said gruffly, despite the corner of her mouth lifting. Then without a pause Mary leapt to her feet, ran to her bicycle and wheeled it down the pavement. Swinging herself up, she raced off into the distance, laughing and calling, ‘Got you!’
‘Damn.’
IRINA
Spring 2016
To Irina Woods the shadowy silence of the shop was a comfort, the early mornings her favourite time. The sign was still turned around, the door locked and bolted, and people moved past oblivious as she calculated the previous day’s takings and checked the stock.
In the back her workshop waited for her, the table pockmarked and covered in a light film of dust, tools littering its surface. The rickety shelves above the woodstove were crammed with rusting pots, smeared jam jars and old paintbrushes. Her latest project, an ancient wooden oar newly restored for a former Oxford rowing blue, awaited collection. It stuck out into the room and she would continue automatically skirting round it even after it was gone.
The smell of the bakery next door tripped on a breeze through the cracks of the flaking bay window, the glass in need of a polish. Irina’s coffee had grown cold, a white skin forming on its surface. Chin resting on her hand, she doodled idly, her eyes scanning the street outside as she waited for the computer to load.
The early-morning traffic inched slowly past the window, a tired-looking man in a suit yawning in the driving seat, his mouth stretched wide, unaware he was being watched. An elderly lady in a grey cloche hat bustled past, handbag tucked neatly under one arm as she stepped aside for a teenager on a smartphone. The enormous stone wall of Petworth House cast a long shadow over the street and the shop, muting the start of the day. She looked down at her drawings, squiggles of a person, floppy hair, a wary blue eye, repeated. A horn outside and the pen slipped, a thick blue line scratched over the image.
