I zone out until I hear Minister Turner begin his sermon.
Minister Turner’s voice travels over us like a veil of light. ‘Every one of us here in this church has suffered a loss, of some kind. No-matter your age, you have all felt that dark, miserable place called grief. We have all felt the loss of achievement, when something we have been striving for, falls short.’ His strong, handsome face is like an open page; some fine wrinkles showing the years of his life.
I watch him, listening to his words closely this time. I connect with his statement of losing achievement and feeling miserable.
‘...Some of us have felt the cold hands of grief through the loss of a loved one,’ he continues, and my mind goes to Valentine and the loss of his Mum; how do you get over something like that? My hand instinctively covers my tummy. My baby. A tiny smile edges its way onto the corner of my mouth. I couldn’t imagine the grief I would feel if I lost this little girl.
‘I know some of you are in this place of grief right now – the Fishers, for the loss of their son, Zachary, last week, to a long battle with cancer…’ I gasp and look around at Mrs. Fisher’s face. I didn’t notice when we came in, that she had no makeup on. Her eyes are lowered to the floor and swollen with grief. She looks sunken and very old; is this what losing someone you love does to you? I turn back to Minister Turner as he continues. ‘I can speak from experience and tell you that the grief can eventually become bearable. God is with you, carrying this grief and as you walk along each day, and as you learn to let him help you to drop this burden onto the floor… you will slowly learn to focus on his love which resides in you…’ I think back to a couple of years ago, when Minister Turner and his wife lost their baby to SIDS. I feel my heart flutter with anxiety. These people I sit here with today, have been through their own troubles. They have all put their faith in the thought that God is beside them. And I feel like I’m not so alone in my grief. It doesn’t take it away, but it is comforting to know that I’m not walking anywhere alone… God and my Angels are beside me.
Jade’s hand covers mine and I turn to her. She gives me an encouraging smile and squeezes my hand. ‘Don’t forget, we’re doing morning tea this morning,’ she whispers, still smiling.
I nod.
She has a way of taking your attention away from your sad thoughts. She knows when you need to be brought back into the light and does it so gently. Only sixteen, and amazingly insightful.
Angels come in many forms.
I focus on the minister’s voice again. ‘Right now, I want you all to place your hands on your knees and close your eyes. Breathe deeply and direct your thoughts to the dark area of grief, which your mind visits so often. Quieten your mind as you travel there and breathe deeply. Now, look into the darkness for a hidden message. God has placed this message in there for you… now take it. Pick it up and hold onto it tightly. It may be compassion, patience, strength, forgiveness, and so on. Place your grief on the floor and walk away with your new message in your hand. Keep breathing deeply and don’t look back at the darkness...’
There’s a collective sound of breathing, then silence. Some break the silence with a cough here and there. Some sniffle softly, and I assume they’re crying.
‘Once you have found the message within that dark miserable place, it no longer needs to scream out for your attention. God has given you this message and it now resides in your heart. Every time you feel like you are slipping back into the darkness, take your grief, and swap it for your message, and think about it. Together, we release the pain to God and in return, we have his message of strength, patience, forgiveness, and so on…’
I’m floating. There’s the ocean below and the warm sun on my face. I hear the sound of waves crashing and I feel my breath rising in my chest. I’m relaxed.
‘Abbie, come on, love.’ Dad’s gentle voice breaks my meditation. ‘We’d better head out to the kitchen.’
I stand up and adjust my skirt and top. Aware that there’s no visible bump just yet, I’m still grateful for the loose fit of this satin top. I don’t think I could cope with the judging stares.
I wait in the pew and shuffle along behind Mum and the girls. My dad and Sam head over to Minister Turner. They shake hands and start to converse.
‘Abbie?’ A voice grabs my attention and I stop at the end of the row of seats. Zane is standing opposite me. People file past us.
‘Zane. Hi.’ I’m genuinely glad to see him. He’s wearing a black suit with a lavender-coloured shirt, open at the collar.
He smiles. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m well. And you?’
His brow creases slightly. ‘I’ve missed you these last couple of weeks. Have you been sick?’
‘Oh, no, just a little busy,’ I respond casually. I’m surprised that he’s missed my appearances at church.
I think I must have frowned slightly, because Zane is looking at me inquisitively. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, of course, I just -’ I really need to stop speaking, before I get myself into trouble.
‘You find it strange that I noticed your absence?’
‘I… well, yeah, I guess so,’ I stutter stupidly. How did he know that’s what I was thinking?
He smiles. It shows his perfect teeth. He has a small mole on his cheek, near the corner of his mouth. His perfect mouth. Stop staring! My heart snaps.
‘I’ve been waiting to ask you out.’ He looks nervous.
Oh crap! I can’t go out with him. I’m pregnant. We’re not ready to move on from Valentine! He might come back to us… please! My heart is begging.
What are you waiting for! This isn’t a movie. He isn’t coming to get you! My intuition is shouting, and pushing my heart aside.
‘I’m sorry, Zane… I can’t,’ I say softly. I think if I speak softly, it won’t hurt his feelings as much when I say no.
‘Why, Abbie?’ He frowns. His beautiful eyes search mine. ‘Are you with somebody?’
‘No…’ My voice is small. ‘No… not at all,’ I try again.
‘Then, why?’ He leans against a row of seats. I sit in the closest chair, suddenly needing to be off my feet.
‘I just can’t Zane. I’m not ready…’
‘Abbie, I don’t mean to sound pushy, forgive me. But we went to school together and I’d like to pick up our friendship where it left off.’ He looks embarrassed. ‘That sounds creepy, sorry.’
I look across the room to where Dad and Minister Turner are deep in conversation at the front of the church. Sam is talking to a young boy. The general niceties of attending church. I really want to go home.
Zane’s gentle voice interrupts my thoughts. ‘I get the feeling you need a friend right now and I just want to take you out for dinner or something?’ He’s searching for some reaction in my eyes.
‘You don’t know me,’ I point out the obvious.
‘I know your eyes are grey when you’re tired, or sad. And I know that when you’re helping your Mum and sisters with morning tea, your eyes are green – that’s the only time I’ve seen you look really happy.’
‘I’m sorry, Zane, I can’t do this.’ I start to stand and he places his hand on my forearm. My heart leaps.
‘Please, don’t go, I just need a bit more time… I mean, can we talk some more?’
I don’t know why I sit back down. I have no idea why I’m even listening to this guy. I’m clearly not in any position to be spending any time with any man.
‘I know you like to read and Jane Austen is your favourite author. I know you love animals; your favourite is the elephant—’
‘And how do you know that?’ I interrupt, sounding a little annoyed. I make a mental note to tell my sisters to stop interfering, because I’m certain it’s them who have been passing on this information.
‘I remember you did an assignment on the elephant in biology class, and you always had a Jane Austen novel in your hands...’
Oh. He remembers all this about me from school?
‘
Okay, well it was nice chatting with you, Zane, but I really have to go and help Mum.’ I stand quickly and make way along the row of chairs in the opposite direction. He follows. I know I should stop and speak to him, not be so rude. He’s such a nice guy. Mum and Dad would approve of him.
I feel Zane’s hand on my elbow and he holds it firmly. I stop. My heart sighs.
‘I know about the baby,’ he whispers.
Chapter 11
This time Zane doesn’t smile. His gaze is intense.
‘My sisters?’ I question, before I even register what else to think.
‘Well, I asked them how you were, and they said they wished you were happier. But it’s in your eyes, and the way you’ve been holding yourself today. And the way your hand goes to your belly a lot.’ He sounds nervous. I can only stare back at him. I don’t know if I’m angry that he knows, or ashamed.
He quickly adds, ‘I was watching you when Minister Turner was talking and you have this kind of happiness hidden away, and you’ve hardly been to church and—’
‘Stop, that’s enough!’ I’m sure I’m as red as a tomato. My throat tightens. This is way too much. ‘I’m damaged goods,’ I whisper.
‘But not irreparable.’ Zane takes hold of my trembling hands. His are warmer than mine, and moist. I try to pull my hands free and he holds tighter, glancing around the room hastily. ‘Please, Abbie, let me take you out; outside of here?’
My hands instinctively move towards my stomach, but Zane holds on. This makes me feel insecure. How many others know? How many others are talking about me?
‘I guess everyone is gossiping now,’ I say bitterly.
Zane shakes his head firmly. ‘Not that I know about. Abbie, I haven’t said anything to anyone, I just noticed. And you’re so beautiful. Glowing. I just want to spend some time with you.’ His perfect eyebrows are raised. He’s pleading with me.
Before I can even stop the stupid word, it falls out. ‘Okay.’
‘Really?’ His face lights up.
I can’t back-pedal now.
I smile at him timidly and nod. What the hell am I doing?
‘Now your eyes are going green,’ he whispers, as he lets go of my hands. He puts a finger under my chin and pulls my face up to meet his. ‘I’ll pick you up at six thirty – we’ll go out for dinner.’
Am I ready to climb back into that rabbit hole? It’s a very long way down.
∞~∞~∞~∞
‘What on earth were you two thinking? Zane asks you how I was and you say you wished I was happier!’ I speak to both Izzy and Jade as we set the table for lunch.
‘Well, he asked about you,’ Jade replies exchanging a quick glance with Izzy before grinning like the cat who swallowed the canary.
‘And he’s so very cute,’ Izzy adds, in defence.
‘And—’ Jade begins, but jumps and stops herself. It’s obvious that Izzy has kicked her foot.
‘And what?’ I snap.
Izzy taps the cutlery together as she responds cautiously. ‘Well, you know – you have to move on.’
‘I can’t.’ I place the plates on the table and look at both of them. I know they’re trying to help, but I don’t want help – not just yet. I’m not ready to let go of my chance to find my balance again.
Jade says, ‘He’s been watching you for ages. He always has this stupid grin on his face when I catch him looking at you.’
‘And he hasn’t had a girlfriend since eighth grade! He’s obviously been waiting for you, Abbie,’ Izzy announces.
‘That’s ridiculous.’ I say, but I can’t help but giggle.
‘No, it isn’t, Abbie. You’re beautiful. Why don’t you see what everyone else sees?’ Izzy presses. She’s great for the ego.
‘I’m having a baby,’ I argue, rubbing my hand over my stomach.
‘Yeah, a baby – it’s not a deformity or a disease.’ Jade places a large tossed salad in the centre of the table.
I pull out a seat and sit down. All of a sudden, I feel tired. Tired of feeling half-empty and half-full. Happy beyond measure about the baby. Sad beyond belief that I’ve landed us in a hopeless situation.
Sam saunters into the dining room and sits beside me. ‘So, is lunch ready?’ He’s almost twenty-four and there’s no sign of a girlfriend for him. He spends way too much time with the church youth group and planning his next church mission.
‘We’re talking!’ Jade chastises him, but not without a giggle.
‘You’re always talking.’ Sam grabs a piece of cucumber from the salad.
‘That’s not for you to pick at now!’ I slap his hand away playfully.
‘Yeah, well, can we eat? Mum, I’m hungry!’
‘Here you go,’ Mum says, placing a hot pasta-bake onto the centre of the table. ‘Be careful, it’s hot!’ she says directly to Sam.
‘Wow, that looks delicious!’ Dad comes to the head of the table and takes his seat.
‘Thank you.’ Mum gives him a girlish grin. Are they flirting? Oh, for heaven’s sake.
I turn my gaze from Mum and see Sam stuffing his mouth with pasta. ‘So, are you goin’ on a date with Zane?’ he asks.
‘You’re such a grot.’ I take some salad and place it carefully onto my plate. ‘But, yes, it seems I am going on a date with Zane – no thanks to these two,’ I wave my fork in the direction of my sisters.
‘Sam, chew your food!’ Mum chides, before looking at me. ‘So, when is this date then?’ She’s smiling.
‘He’s picking me up at six thirty.’
‘And we’ll help you get ready,’ Jade says. She has the same calculating look that she gets on Christmas morning, and I can’t help but feel a little worried.
‘And I’ll stand at the door and check him out when he gets here,’ Sam adds, waving a piece of lettuce at me with his fork.
All I can do is roll my eyes – and pray.
∞~∞~∞~∞
‘Geez, Abbie, have you seen the car he drives!’ Sam shouts from the front window.
‘No.’ I check my reflection in the hall mirror. The girls have done a pretty spectacular job with me, I must admit. I’m wearing a black dress, which Jade found in her wardrobe. I’m grateful I’m not showing too much yet, and it sits comfortably around my hips. It reminds me of an Audrey Hepburn style dress, a sleeveless boat-neck with a pleated full skirt that falls to the knee. Izzy managed to pull my curls up into a loose bun with some pretty diamante pins, and Jade found some black shoes with a small wedge heel and a matching handbag under her bed. I’m all good to go!
‘He’s driving a 1966 yellow Mustang convertible! He must be loaded,’ Sam shouts.
I do the math in my head and figure he probably borrowed the car from his dad; he couldn’t possibly afford such a classic. Not as a full-time college student, on a part-time wage.
The girls are peeping through the drapes when I walk into the lounge and Sam is waiting at the door. Mum and Dad are standing beside the dining table, trying to look casual.
Sam turns to me, and his jaw drops. ‘Wow, Sis, you look good. I think I better have a quick chat to this guy, before he takes you out in that car.’ He grins.
‘Stop being stupid, I’m a grown woman.’ I can’t help but smile back.
‘Oh, Abbie, quick come and look, he’s getting out!’ Jade screeches.
I peek through the window and watch as Zane closes the door of his car and walks toward the house. He looks divine; as if he could sprout white feathered wings at any minute. A pressed white shirt follows the contours of his masculine torso and grey suit pants sit nicely in all the right places - just two, very basic items of clothing, which look anything but basic on him. He’s broad shouldered and tall, perfect really. But he isn’t Valentine! My heart shouts at me.
When Zane knocks on the door and Sam opens it, my chest tightens.
‘Hi, Zane,’ I hear Sam say with his usual friendly manner. Good.
‘Hey, Sam. I’m here to pick up Abbie.’
‘Yeah, no worries, come in
, mate. She’s ready.’ Sam opens the door wider and I move away from the window.
Mum and Dad wave and say their greetings from the dining area. I’m grateful they don’t rush at Zane with the usual parental protocol – they know Zane well enough.
The girls stand behind me, giggling, and both manage to say hello. I fidget with my handbag and I know I’m blushing.
‘Hi Abbie,’ Zane says, and he looks nervous. ‘You look beautiful.’
‘Thanks, so do you – I mean – um, handsome,’ I smile. I’m an idiot.
‘So, where are you kids off to, then?’ Dad says, as he and Mum take a seat at the table. I know he’s trying very hard to appear laid-back; he’s a good man.
‘Oh, I’ve booked us a table at Seashells, in Fremantle. I thought Abbie might enjoy the seafood menu… being um – well I didn’t think meat would be something she’d enjoy—’ I’ve never heard Zane stammer before; it’s very cute.
‘Okay, well let’s get going then,’ I take hold of his elbow and lead him through the door. I don’t want to give anyone the chance to say anything they shouldn’t. I know, without a doubt, that Mum is itching to pull the photo album out.
‘You really look stunning, Miss Bennet.’ Zane sounds more confident as he opens the car door and helps me in. I take a deep breath – leather; old leather – and Zane’s aftershave.
‘Thanks, Mr. Williams, so do you – as always.’ I find my seatbelt and click it in, watching in appreciation as Zane strides around the front of the car and slides into the driver’s side. He starts the engine. ‘And I like your car,’ I add.
‘It was my twenty-first birthday present from Mum and Dad. I love classic cars.’
I smile, ‘Me too.’
He lifts an eyebrow. ‘Really?’
‘Don’t sound so surprised.’ I hit his arm playfully. He pretends to be hurt, but we both laugh.
‘Oh, well, I haven’t really met anyone who likes classics…’
‘Especially a girl?’
I see his lovely lips curl at the corners. ‘Especially a girl.’
Infinite Completion (The Infinity Series Book 1) Page 10
