by L. J. Red
Chapter 24
May threw herself into the night’s work. There seemed to be more than usual to do, everyone rushing around, looking stressed. May found herself working double time, trying to keep up with the requests from upstairs for documents and transcripts from each of the Bloodlines; vassals rushing back and forth between the cabins, tracking melting snow all over the floor.
“Mops!” she cried, grabbing at a vassal with his arms full of papers who was about to take skidding nose-dive. “Take the other stairway.” She pushed him in that direction. “Someone’s going to slip and crack their head, honestly.”
In between all this, she caught snippets of fascinating conversations about what was being talked about upstairs: the progress vampires had made lobbying the government for citizenship; the division of territories; old feuds and new fights. May tried not to get too distracted by it all. She made sure food was sent up to the vampires and also for the vassals recording the meetings and those in the backrooms copying, filing and sorting the transcripts. It was only when Ivy grabbed her by the wrist, tugged her over to the corner, and pushed her down into a chair that she realized her legs were aching and her head spinning.
“You need to take a break,” Ivy said, her hands on her hips. “You’ve been running around all night, and I’ve been watching, you haven’t eaten a bite.”
May nodded tiredly and ran her palms over her face. “You’re right,” she said, tiredly, “I do need a break.”
“Come on, then,” Ivy said, and she led her over to the canteen where a bunch of vassals were sitting and eating, and then bustled off in search of food, leaving May with them. May propped her chin on her hand, letting the conversation wash over her.
“I don’t know what we’re going to do,” one of the vassals said, continuing the conversation they’d been having before May got there.
“It shouldn’t affect us,” the woman on May’s other side said. “We’ve served our Bloodline for years. They know we had nothing to do with it.”
“Speak for yourself,” another vassal said. “I’m on a new contract. I was shocked to be chosen to come to the Conclave.”
“Still,” the woman said, “there’s a difference between the humans who work for them and those insane HUNT humans who want to see all vampires gone.”
May realized with an electric shock of surprise that they were talking about the HUNT attacker that had been in her cabin. She’d thought talk had died down by now.
“Well, still,” the man who had been talking first continued, “I don’t like it. I’ve been getting some unsettling looks lately from some of the vampires in the other Bloodlines. They don’t know us, after all. It’s starting to scare me, I mean everyone knows the Shadows are here to protect the other vampires, not us.”
At this May couldn’t keep quiet. “That’s not true,” she said. “The Shadows wouldn’t allow any danger to come to us.”
The man looked at her scornfully. “Oh, it’s all right for you,” he said. “I’m sure since you’re in that Shadow’s pocket, he’s not going to let anything happen to you. Hell, he’s probably spending more time watching your back then he is keeping the rest of us safe. We all know what happened yesterday, running out to save you in the middle of the day,” he said scornfully.
“That’s not—it wasn’t just me,” May said, her worst fears realized. People had been talking about the snowstorm. The horrible rumor that Neal was abandoning his Shadow duties for her had only grown. She looked around the table and saw the hard, knowing light in the vassals’ eyes. It didn’t matter whether or not it was true, she realized. If vassals believed it, there had to be vampires who did as well. She was ruining his reputation, just like she’d been afraid of.
She needed to do something. She needed to prove to them Neal was more focused on his job than on her. She had to convince them somehow. She racked her brain for a reason, any excuse, no matter how flimsy. It wouldn’t matter. She would know the real truth. For Neal, she had to do this.
“It’s not… he’s not…” she stuttered to a halt. “It’s not like that,” she said more firmly. “It’s not like that between us,” she said. “We’re not together or anything.” She forced a fake laugh. You better appreciate what I’m doing for you, Neal. “Honestly, I don’t know why he makes me stay in his cabin. It must be some security thing. I wish he didn’t, to be honest. The Shadows are so violent,” she said, thinking of the moment Neal had ripped apart the HUNT human. Yeah, better to mention how strong he was, how dangerous he was. Make sure they didn’t forget it so that they wouldn’t let anything slip around the vampires. She didn’t want anything reaching Roman or his lackeys. They would just use it as an excuse to try attacking the Shadows again.
“It was terrifying,” she said, “the way he just murdered him with his bare hands. I could barely watch.” She felt sick at her own lies. The protective rage that Neal had unleashed on the hunter had been awe-inspiring, brutal, but she hadn’t been afraid, she had understood it. The hunter had invaded Neal’s territory and tried to kill him. Neal was a vampire; it was how they were. Violent, dangerous. And May hadn’t been scared of Neal, oh no, she’d been scared at the force of her own reaction to seeing him move like that, like a predator, a well-oiled machine, she’d had no idea she could want someone so lethal. It had shocked her. But she forced all those thoughts away. Shoved them down deep into her belly and dragged out another lie. “If I could stay with you guys, I would, but after the blizzard, he’s not letting me out. I had to fight him to come out tonight,” she choked out. God, she hated twisting the truth like this, but she felt a vicious stab of satisfaction, there, that had to be enough to convince them. Only, everyone at the table was all weirdly silent, not just silent, but they were all staring with wide eyes over her shoulder. She spun around and Neal was right there, standing in the doorway behind her, his expression blank like a stone. May was suddenly aware of the gaping absence of his emotions through the bond. A hard, impenetrable wall between them. Oh God, what had she done? Neal turned on his heel and strode away. She had to explain. May shot to her feet, her chair falling to the ground behind her as she rushed after him.
Chapter 25
“Neal, stop,” May shouted, “please Neal.” But he didn’t slow down or turn to look at her, just kept walking.
“Neal please,” May said, running after him, ignoring the vassals that stared after her with wide eyes. The crowd of humans parted before Neal, but didn’t do anything like that for May and she had to struggle through behind him. She didn’t catch up with him until he had exited the building. She ran out without her coat, the cold night air instantly freezing. “Neal, please wait,” she said, so cold her teeth began to chatter.
He rounded on her. “Go inside,” he said shortly, “it’s too cold for you out here.”
“No,” she said, “I won’t, I won’t go until you talk to me. I didn’t mean for you to hear that, I didn’t mean—”
“I’m sure you didn’t,” Neal said. “I’m sure you didn’t want the monster that you been sharing space with to know how terrifying and violent and dangerous you find him.”
“That’s not true,” May said. “I didn’t mean any of it. I’m not scared of you.”
He roared and turned on her, his eyes glowing “Is that so?” he said, advancing on her, and May shrank back from the black rage in his eyes.
“You don’t understand,” May said, firming her spine. He wouldn’t hurt her, no matter how angry he was. “I’m not afraid of you,” she insisted.
“I don’t believe you,” he said.
“I didn’t want them to think you were weak.” May exclaimed, shivering so hard her teeth chattered.
“Weak,” he scoffed, “yes I have been weak, but no more. I was a fool to think you would understand. You’re just a human.”
“What difference does that make?” May asked, frustrated. “You’re not hearing me, I didn’t mean any of what I said, I was afraid that they would think you were getting too d
istracted by me to do your job.” May stared at him, her chest feeling raw, breathing heavily. Why, why wouldn’t he listen to her?
Neal took another step back, his eyes cold. “I was,” he said. “I was getting too distracted but I see now that you’re not worth the distraction.”
May rocked back in horror. “Not worth it?”
“No,” Neal said coldly.
“But… everything we shared,” May said, “I thought we—”
“It was a mistake,” Neal said, “It should never have happened,”
May choked up, unable to say another word. She couldn’t believe she had fallen for it again. She had mistaken the way he looked at her, the way he touched her for real emotion. She had let herself be used. It didn’t matter how she felt, whatever bond she thought they had, clearly she was wrong. It wasn’t love.
She stepped back from Neal. She’d been a fool to think she could ever be his soulmate. No one wanted her. She was always the afterthought, the placeholder for real love. The bond she thought she felt in her chest was a lie. Just wishful thinking. Right now, all she felt was grief and loss.
Her heart was as cold as the ice starting to gather on her skin.
“Go inside,” Neal said shortly.
May stared at him. “Why do you care what I do?”
“Go back inside, May.” Neal said turning away from her, “I don’t have time to babysit you and do my job.”
May walked blindly away into the back rooms.
“What’s wrong? What did he say?” Ivy asked her, running up.
“Nothing. It’s nothing,” said May.
Ivy clutched her arm, her eyes widening in shock. “Oh my God, you’re as cold as a block of ice. “What’s wrong with you? Did you go out there without your coat?” She dragged her over to where the coats were hung up on the wall and pulled the coat over May’s shoulders. “What were you thinking? It’s way below zero out there. You know you can get frostbite in minutes?”
“I wasn’t…” May choked, “I wasn’t thinking.” She scrubbed her hand over her eyes as they began to tear up. “I need…” She glanced around, seeing all the vassals still crowded in the room trying obviously to eavesdrop while not looking like they were. She needed to get out of here. “I need to go. I need to get my things,” May said, and she fled the room. She made her way across the open ground in front of the lodge a few steps before Ivy caught up with her still, tugging her own coat over her shoulders.
“I’m not letting you wander off alone looking like that. Will you tell me what happened?”
“Neal…” May said, and then she couldn’t say anything else, she couldn’t bear to say anything more.
“What happened with Neal?
“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “I just need to… I need to leave.”
“Leave and go where?” Ivy said, gesturing around them. “We’re in the middle of nowhere. Where are you going to go?”
May pulled up short. Ivy was right, she couldn’t just leave. There was nowhere to go. She caught a sob and pushed it down. “I need to move my things out of Neal’s cabin,” she said, feeling resolute and she strode forwards.
“Move your things from his cabin to where?” Ivy scrambled to catch up with May’s pace.
“To the vassals’ quarters,” May said.
“But I thought he wanted you to stay with him?”
May shook her head. “It doesn’t matter what he wanted before. He doesn’t want it now and neither do I,” she said.
“You two seemed to be getting along so well,” Ivy said sadly. “I thought… maybe… that you two were…”
“Don’t,” May said, turning to Ivy. “Please just let it go. I was an idiot, let’s leave it at that.”
Ivy frowned. “You’re not an idiot, May,” she said. “But okay, I won’t pry. I just don’t want you to make any rash decisions like running off into the cold without your coat,” she said archly.
“I won’t,” May said. “I just need a few days. I just need a break from, from him.”
“Okay,” Ivy said. “I understand.”
May was glad Ivy didn’t try to question her any further and simply walked with her to the cabin. A reassuring presence by her side.
Once in the cabin, everything reminded her of the last time they’d been together. Memories playing on a reel behind her eyes. She tried to shake them off, pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes. “Okay, packing, right. I need a bag.” She looked around the cabin. “Damn.”
“I’ll get one,” Ivy said. “You stay here, breathe. It’s all going to be okay.”
May nodded gratefully.
“I’ll be right back.”
After Ivy rushed out, May moved around the cabin in a daze, picking up items, pulling her clothes out of the wardrobe and taking them downstairs to pile them on the coffee table, but she quickly felt overwhelmed and fell onto the couch, her head in her hands. How could he have said that? Not worth it. Like she didn’t even matter. She sobbed, her eyeliner running into her hands, reminding her of the night Chad had dumped her. Was this how it was always going to be? Used and discarded by men who didn’t care about her? Only this time was so much worse than with Chad. She’d never loved him and she loved Neal. Oh God, she did. She still loved him.
There was a knock at the door. Go away, she thought, I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to hear it whatever it is, then she thought it might be Ivy with her hands full of the bag, although it was far too soon for Ivy to have got all the way across the lodge and back, wasn’t it?
Still wondering, she got up, walked to the door, and pulled it open.
“Isabella.” She stared. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, May,” Isabella said, “I simply had to come. I saw you and that Shadow out there in the cold from my cabin.”
May noticed Isabella’s expression flicker when she said the word Shadow, but she chalked it up to the usual fear that vampires had when it came to the warrior Bloodline.
“Oh, well. It’s kind of you to come and check on me, Isabella, but honestly, I’m fine. I don’t need any—”
“Nonsense, my dear, you simply have to let me help,” and she stepped forward without giving May the chance to say no.
For a moment May expected Isabella to be held at the doorway, but of course, the cabin didn’t belong to May. It was only rented, and it was supposed to be Neal’s after all, not hers, she reminded herself miserably. Isabella crossed the threshold without any trouble. It felt like proof that May had no real right to it, to the cabin, to her place here.
“Oh, are you leaving?” Isabella asked, noticing the few items that May had gathered up.
“Yes,” May said, picking up some books listlessly. “I am.”
“I quite understand,” Isabella said, pinching one of May’s black sweaters with two fingers and peering at it with a snide expression. Anger flickered through May. Okay, she knew she wasn’t some kind of vampire stunner, but that was a perfectly nice sweater. Why had Isabella come here? The vampire seemed to want to be her friend, but it was weird. Most vampires didn’t really hang out with vassals. Except for Dana that was, but she was different. Modern. There was an unspoken divide between the ancient vampires and the humans that served them, and anyway if Isabella wanted to be her friend, why was she sneering at all of May’s possessions?
It didn’t matter. She didn’t have time to delve into Isabella’s peculiar behavior. She needed to get out of here. She wanted to have everything ready to go as soon as Ivy returned with the bag. “I’m going upstairs,” May told Isabella, striding past her and going up onto the mezzanine. She started to take all her remaining clothes out of the wardrobe where she had stored them, resolutely not looking at the bed.
May pulled out the pants she had been wearing on the first day, folding them neatly. A key fell out and clinked against the floorboard. May picked it up. It didn’t look like the key for Chad’s place, and it wasn’t for her locker at the Sanctuary, so what could it be for? As
she studied it carefully, a memory flickered at the back of her mind, slowly growing clearer and brighter until, like a curtain had been thrown back, it shone across her mind. The basement room! The room underneath the Conclave building. That cold, dark storeroom that she had found and decided to lock securely. She had taken the key. She had intended to tell Neal about it. Why hadn’t she? Why had she left the key in her pocket and forgotten about it? More than that, how could she have forgotten about the whole thing? The room, going down there, the flickering light, the other door to the outside yard. It was all coming back now. How could she have forgotten? It didn’t make any sense unless… Unless the memory had been taken from her. Oh God, there had been someone there, she remembered with a chill. Someone had been there with her in the hallway, trying to get into the room. She’d stopped them, or perhaps she had already locked the door when they got there. She couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t she remember? The person’s face was blurry, masked by the theft of her memory. But there had been someone with her. She was sure about that. They had taken her memory, and that was why she had never told Neal. That was why she had forgotten about the key and left it in her pocket when she took off her pants.
