by Jax Hart
Somehow, I manage to take orders from the steady stream of customers without spilling a drink or tripping over my feet. Thoughts of Rog and his kiss are going to stick with me for a long time.
Maybe forever.
I saw him tear out of the lot shortly after I left his office and he hasn’t come back. I overheard that he and Federico went to the gym. In a way I’m glad he left, he sucks all the air out of the room when he’s around as it is. Now that I know what his body feels like under my hands and how he tastes… there’s no way I could work efficiently if he was here watching right now.
“Hey.”
I throw down the tray I was holding and spin around, throwing my arms around his neck.
“Toad! I missed you. Federico was okay, but you’re my fist pick for a babysitter.”
“Ah, it’s good to be back.”
“You might not say that when you find out what I have planned…,” I tell him picking up the tray and heading for the kitchen.
“Yeah… wait until you hear what he’s calling you.”
“My break is in five. Meet me out back? I’ll fix some sandwiches.”
The chef looks at me suspiciously as I run around his kitchen grabbing what I need. He’s skinny. Too skinny for a cook and doesn’t talk much either.
The feeling of mistrust seems mutual as he stops what he was doing and shakes his head.
“If ya’ wanted to eat all you have to do is ask and I’d fix ya’ something. I don’t like people messin’ in my kitchen.”
“Not even Rog?”
“Not even jefe.”
“I’ll remember that next time. Just making sandwiches.”
“You better,” he emphasizes picking up his butcher’s knife and waving it before he slices more onions for the soup he’s preparing.
With a grin, I place all the food on a tray and walk out the back door of the kitchen over to a picnic table placed under a tree in the corner of the back lot.
Toad’s already there relaxing with a cigarette burning between his lips curled in a smirk.
“What?”
“Silver Fox? Rog went nuts. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack or beat the shit out of one of us on the trip. He got razzed the whole way back. Especially when Federico called Smith, telling him how he walked-in on you telling Luce how hot Rog is.”
I place the tray down in the center of the table and take a bite out of an apple. “Federico’s going to pay. He has a bigger mouth than I thought.”
“Yeah, well I’m sure Rog is sparring with him at the gym. He’ll probably give him a few good blows.”
I raise an eyebrow and take another bite, chewing before I drop my bomb. “He asked me out after we necked like fifteen-year-olds this morning.”
Beer spews from his mouth onto the grass, he snuffs out his butt, eyes wide. “No shit? Meat’s never dated. Like ever.”
“I like him. More than I should,” I whisper.
“What’s up with the long face, doll? He likes you too. We’re all waiting for the big romance to unfold.”
“I thought Creed was a Motorcycle Club of badass biker guys. Seems you all are a bunch of girls after all.”
He grins, “Shhh, don’t tell. I secretly love drama.”
“Speaking of drama. Am I safe from that creep now?”
“We didn’t catch him. But he won’t find the sanctuary he was looking for up north. We have a man on the inside at the border. He definitely crossed into Canada. If he comes back south, we’ll be notified with plenty of time to set a trap.”
“Huh. O-kay. I don’t feel safe knowing he’s still out there.”
Toad’s eyes go flat, deadly. I shiver. It’s a reminder he’s not just a man who’s carefree and full of gossip. He’s a killer if the situation warrants one.
“That ain’t gonna happen sweetheart. I don’t want you to even think about it.” He comes around the table and takes me into a quick hug. The sound of tires rolling over the gravel makes me look up. My eyes meet Rog’s through the windshield of his truck. His lips press into a firm line as he cuts the engine and climbs out.
I push Toad away feeling like my lover caught me in an innocent embrace he won’t believe.
He stalks past us without a word, with eyes that don’t look my way again. “Was that just as awkward for you?”
“Nah, Rog knows I’d never stab him in the back like that.”
“Well, why do I feel like I did something wrong?” I ask picking the crust of my sandwich and throwing the crumbs to the birds waiting in the grass.
“Because you got it bad.”
I don’t reply. My mind is confused by all the emotions my heart has grown for these men. Rog, Federico, Toad… they’ve all become family and I know they’d all take a bullet to protect me if it came down to it. I feel as if my very DNA is a betrayal of that loyalty. I swallow hard.
“Toad?”
“Yeah?”
“Promise me you’ll understand.”
“Understand what?”
“If the time ever comes when you might mistake what my intentions were.”
He nods, thinking I’m talking about Rog.
“I better get back inside before Rog has my ass.”
“I think he’s gonna have that real soon anyway.”
“Men,” I grumble with a red face leaving him staring at my backside as I walk back in the bar.
“IF YOU DON’T FUCK HIM—I will.”
My head turns.
Rog has come from the back and surveys the room, nodding to the regulars and a few of the men from Creed still lingering.
“You weren’t kidding. He’s… damn,” Luce whistles between her teeth leaning her head closer to mine, “he’s a friggin’ specimen. He’s huge Dev.” Her eyes widen, “I bet he’s huge everywhere.”
“Stop staring,” I hiss, “he’s going to think we’re talking about how we kissed in the kitchen.”
“What?!” She says loud enough that a few people whip their heads around.
“Calm, down Luce. You’re embarrassing me.”
“Details. I’m waiting up for you tonight and you are going to tell me everything. I want to hear everything.” With that she snaps up her purse and winks getting ready to leave.
“You don’t want to meet him?”
“Oh, I’m sure I will eventually… like when I pound on your bedroom wall when the sound of your sex permeates the apartment.”
“Shut up,” I laugh flicking her butt with the end of the dish towel I was using to clean the table with.
She waves at Rog like a cheerleader, all bright smiles with a toothy grin. I shake my head clearing the next table, wishing I could be more like her. She’s always in a good mood, always positive. Her days are sunshine and rainbows, while I often feel like I’m living under a rain cloud. Picking up my heavy tray filled with empty dinner plates, I look up, eyes instantly finding him. But he’s talking to Big Jim and tending bar. I sigh, knowing the night is far from over. Luce will go to bed and set an alarm for two a.m. just to interrogate my ass on everything that went down today.
There’s a shift between us. Rog didn’t speak one word to me for the rest of the night, but I found him instead of Toad or Federico waiting to walk me to my car. He took the keys from me and placed his hand at the small of my back. The lights flicked, and the sound of my locks unclicking had me reaching for the handle on the door. But his arm shot out and I found myself pinned between my car and his hard body.
“Don’t play with me,” he warned as he pulled me back in his arms and his mouth found the sweet spot behind my ear before travelling down the side of my neck. I leaned back in his arms, sighing as his hands ran down the front of my thighs, I tried to turn around seeking his kiss, but he held me firmly with my ass pressed up against his hips.
“I’ll see you at the lake, sugar.” He released me, opened my car and as I sat turning the key in the ignition, I felt the brush of his fingertips travel down my face just before he softly shut the door. I sighed
feeling tingly all over as my eyes met his in the rearview. His fists were buried in the pocket of his jeans, in his eyes a look that made me think he was debating following me home.
But he didn’t.
I barely slept last night tormented by the way his lips and hands felt on me.
Sighing, I rest my face on my hand remembering how his eyes can turn from lava to ice depending on his mood.
I had told him that I needed a few days off to set up my classroom. He nodded and smiled softly, telling me what I great teacher I must be. But his face darkened like a thundercloud when I asked if I could have Toad’s help. It’s hard work and I don’t know what I’m working with yet. He stilled, arms resting on the roof of my car, but he nodded his head.
A lock of hair slips from my ponytail, falling in front of my face. Blowing out my breath, I swipe it back in place, leaning over, the razor blade in my hand cutting effortlessly through the tape holding the box together.
“Knock, knock, teach.” Toad’s arrival breaks the spell of the man constantly running through my mind.
“Thanks for coming. I’ll owe you a beer.”
“Where’s Luce? Shouldn’t she be the one doing this?”
“Yeah right. This job requires muscle. Besides, she’s sleeping off her hangover. She’s not used to drinking every night. She’s been having too much fun at Sassy’s.”
“She’s cute as hell,” he smirks.
“And too old for you,” I answer handing him a soda and popping the top of my own.
“Actually, I’ve been thinking…,” he trails off and I glance up. His cheeks have turned pink. “That I want to graduate. Would you help me get my GED? I mean I know you’re busy with this job and Sassy’s—”
“Of course, I will. I’d be honored and I’m so happy for you Toad. I get why you love Creed—I do. I see it now; how you’re all family. But there’s so much more out there for you if you want it. We can get started next week. I’ll get everything we need from the student counselor’s office.”
“Thanks, Dev. Where do we get started here?”
I motion over to the stack of boxes the janitor pulled from storage. He whips a knife out from his back pocket and gets to work.
“You excited for the lake this weekend?”
“Sure,” I shrug.
“Doesn’t sound like you are.”
“Toad…,” I break off wanting to tell him everything. But I stop short knowing his loyalty is with Rog and Creed no matter how close we’ve become.
“Yeah?”
“I’m worried about my students. I’m sure word has spread around that the new high school history teacher waits tables at the biker bar in town. I need to know what kind of crap they’re gonna say behind my back.”
“You don’t need to worry. That ain’t gonna happen.”
“Yeah, right. You don’t know teenagers like I do. I want to know everything about Springdale…. and Creed so I can be prepared.”
“Does Rog know you’re worried about this?”
“N-no. I don’t want to bother him with high school bullshit.”
“I don’t know Dev. The club is a brotherhood. One we don’t talk about. You’re not an undercover cop, are you?” He jokes but his eyes are serious.
“No! Me a cop? That’s comical. I can’t even handle violence. I’ve never been as close to it as I was when that guy threatened me and I’m not asking you to snitch. I don’t need to know club shit. I just need to know about the people.”
“Okay,” he shrugs. “Where do you want to start?”
“At the beginning.”
“Well… there were these two guys. They were best friends. John Masters and Colin Flynn. They founded Creed. For a while they rode these streets like kings. But then it all turned to shit.”
“What happened?”
“A woman. That’s what. Her name was Dee Dee Stanton.”
My fingers reach in a box, run over the spine of a few books while pretending that name’s not important. I sit back on a desk chair, take a sip of my Diet Coke and wait.
“Apparently, she was beautiful, crazy in bed, and played them both for fools. They both fell in love with the woman despite the fact that each of them were married with kids. The worst part is… Dee was the sister of John’s wife. But that didn’t stop him. Don’t get me wrong—John and Colin were both in the wrong for stepping out, but Dee liked the power she had over them and would pit them against one another every chance she could. Shit got worse, the club made a ton of money back in the eighties drug running for the cartels from Mexico to Canada. We don’t do that shit anymore. But Colin and John got rich, expanded Creed into Southern Cali, and stopped even the charade of pretending that they both weren’t having an affair with the same woman.
Dee got hooked on drugs. It was a goddamn mess. They all tore each other’s hearts out. She overdosed. It was tragic as hell, but her death brought shit to a head. Colin and John almost killed one another in the back lot behind Sassy’s. They threw punch after punch, blow after blow, until neither of them could stand. No one interfered. It was understood to stay out of it. They needed to do what they needed to do. Anyway, their bond was broken. Each of them wanting to see the other dead, but that would mean the one who did—would get to be with Dee and neither could stomach that. So they ended it, each of them walking away a bloody mess with broken bones.”
“That’s… so tragic and yet so incredibly romantic.”
He shrugs. “I guess. I can’t imagine being in lust or love like that. Anyway, they called a truce of sorts, disbanded the Springdale chapter of Creed since they were both Co-Presidents and never spoke again despite the fact they lived ten miles from each other.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it was hard on Rog. Colin was like family to him and so was John. He was caught in the middle. But Colin had a little girl, Shanna, that had Rog wrapped around her little finger.”
I smile, picturing it. But the little girl in my head has Roger’s blue eyes and my dark hair. My womb clenches and I yearn for something I never did before: a baby.
Roger’s baby.
I take another sip of my soda trying to get a grip. I must have lost it. The man hasn’t done more than kiss me and I’m already picturing our imaginary child? Hell, I don’t even know if Rog wants to be a dad.
“The Springdale chapter of Creed broke up. The men either rode north to Canada, forming a chapter there or south to LA. Rog stayed here. He couldn’t leave Shanna. She was only three.”
“Where’s Shanna now?”
“Married to Duke, John’s son. He was Prez for the past few years but handed that patch over to Smith. How’s that for karma? Their dads were bitter enemies and they married each other. Actually, the two of them are part owners in Sassy’s. It used to be called Stan’s Place before it burned to the ground. Roger and Duke rebuilt the place and gave it a new name.”
My mind is spinning… I have a brother.
“Is Duke… Dee and John’s?”
“No. I don’t think so, anyway.”
“Wow… that’s some story. It’s crazy—almost like it was scripted for a TV show.”
“It was a wild time. Shit wasn’t so easily traceable like it is now. There was no digital surveillance. Money and woman rolled in like it was nothing. It went to all the men’s heads. The remaining men in Creed made a pact, never to let another woman bring the club down. We don’t speak her name, it’s cursed. And every year on the anniversary of her death, we ride out to the lake and have a drink in honor of Colin and John, to the brotherhood they started…”
“You celebrate Dee Dee Stanton’s death?” I ask incredulously.
“No. It’s not a celebration. More like a remembrance of who we are. What we want to be… it’s a night of solidarity. No women allowed. We drink, play cards… shoot the shit.”
“O-okay,” I look down swigging the last drops of my soda feeling sick. How can I ever come clean about who I am now? Will my brother hate me too? My mother was hi
s father’s whore… and probably the reason his own mother left. But I want to know him. I crave having a blood relative alive. A brother? God, I want him to love me. Want him to be my family so badly. Turning away from Toad, I pretend to dig through a box. My eyes squeeze shut, my fists clench, nails digging into my palms so hard, they leave crescent marks.
I’ve backed myself into one hell of a corner. Am I selfish for wanting it all? Roger, my brother, a life here and my adoptive family back in Chicago?
With my head bowed, I make a vow and say a prayer: I will find a way. Find a way to prove to Rog what’s happening between us is real, meet my brother and have a relationship with him, and set my past free so I can claim my future.
I didn’t drive straight back to the apartment, I texted Luce that I had an errand to run. She texted back that she was binging on Netflix and Doritos and that she’d be fine. I didn’t know where I was going. I just knew that I needed to drive—needed to think—needed to feel the emotions tearing through me.
I sat in the school parking lot and brought up the town of Springdale’s website. In under three minutes I was able to access the town’s property records. It was so simple that I felt stupid for not thinking to do it before. In under ten-minutes my car rolled down the street where my brother, Duke grew up. My heart felt bruised and battered but I still managed to smile when I saw the three kids riding their bikes out front of a simple white ranch. The one my father owned and maybe the spot of my creation. One child played with a bubble wand, eyes bright with happiness as the wind picked up the bubbles high into the sky.
The cycle’s been broken. At least those kids are together and happy, I had thought as I smiled and waved through my open window.
But I still needed to drive. I found my way back to a main road and went north. I’ve become friends with a few regulars at Sassy’s over these past few weeks and when they found out I’m an avid runner they insisted I hit the trails.
Springdale’s northside is full of old logging roads that the town maintains as recreational trails. I sigh, putting my car in park. It’s a runner’s paradise. Huge evergreens grow up to the baby blue sky, towering over the trail giving it shade. Lush grass and thick moss line a riverbank at the trail’s entrance. Huge wildflowers dance in the wind. I slowly feel the fist squeezing my heart ease up a bit as I climb out of my car and become a part of nature.
