by James Kelman
A bench was there and I sat on it. It was funny how it was just me and I was at the Sunday School and nobody else was. Out of everybody that was all my age only it was me. How come? It was just a thing and I was thinking about it. Then all other stuff. And a secret wee thing how really if I was a Pape. That was a wee thing I used to think. If I was one and did not know it so I was not going to Chapel but just to Church. I should have been going to Chapel but was not. Because I did not know. Because nobody told me. If I did not know. So I could not do it.
If I did know and did not do it that was different. Except if it came to me in my head and it was just there. So if it was just there. That was like knowing. So really I knew. So I did not go but I knew to go.
God would see me. God saw into yer soul and knew everything ye did and ye had to confess. So if I was a Pape God knew I was one. And I was not doing the stuff, all what ye had to do if ye were one. If it was the Sign of the Cross, God would know I did not do it and would be sad and would not like it.
But if I did not know I was one, so that was why I did not do the Sign. God would know I did not. So it was not my fault, He would forgive me. If it was a Trespass. Maybe if it was and not a real Sin. But if really I knew I was a RC, if I was one. So it was a Sin I was doing and God would be angry If it was a Sin forever. So I would go to Hell and get damned for all Eternity except if it was forgiveness. God forgived ye. It would be alright but just ye would have to start doing it. Because if ye knew ye knew and could not not know ever again. So if it was God, He knew ye knew. He did. Ye still would be alright but just if ye done it from that very moment. Oh but ye would have to and have to. And it was all the stuff.
When ye went into Church ye walked down the passage and sat in the pews. But if ye were a Catholic it was a Chapel and ye gived a bow and kneeled down and gived the Sign of the Cross too. Ye just took yer thumb across yer chest. Ye dragged it up and down then across and back across. If what it really meant, A Cross. So ye took yer thumb A Cross yer chest. And ye done it sore with yer thumb and felt it on ye and it was the biggest nail jagging in. It was like that and that was for Jesus so if He was on the Cross. I saw it in Pat's house and then His Heart was the Bleeding Heart.
Ye came in the Chapel door and walked down the passage where was the Altar and the big statues. It was maybe Jesus or else Mother Mary or God. Ye gived the Sign to that and then walked down to yer pew. That was what the RCs done. Their football players done it too, first when they ran on the park then if they scored or dived to save a penalty. I saw games on the telly and ye kidded on ye did not see it. Oh if he was one ye liked especially. Oh he is a Pape, that was what ye thought and they all were Papes. Darkies too. My da just looked right at the telly and did not say nothing but maybe a loud breath, hohhhhhh. So if it was a Priest in a picture on the telly, he did not like that.
But how come they done the sign? My da said that. If they wanted a special favour off God and it was to help ye win the game. That was just Blasphemy. They kissed their hands as well. How come? Ye saw it on the pictures if the Pope was there else it was other ones and kissing their hands, oh Father I am sorry. Boxers done it too. If it was for good luck and they would fight good and not get beat. What happened if they did not do it? If they ever did not do it so they got beat or if they missed a penalty if it was football. So about the ones that did not do it if they were Idolaters or if they were the Protestants. It was funny seeing darkies do it. My da laughed if it was. Oh the darkie is a Pape.
So then Mass. Mass. Ye went to Mass. And if it was special Mass, ye got Special Mass too. If it was dead people.
So I had to do it. If it was me and I was one. And if it was in the Church maybe I still had to, and just so nobody could see me doing it, if I just came in the door and the top of the passage and just stopped for a wee minute, a wee wee second. I could see me if I did, and just there and doing it quick. It was me doing it. If it was. I could not see if it was me. If it was my face there, I could not see if it was. It was smudged, if it was a face. Whose was it? It could only be me.
Ye thought ye knew yer face, but when ye tried to see it in yer head ye could not. It was just the old one from Auntie May's photographs. She had them in a bag. The one of me was when I was three. It was wide and round and it was smiling. I was a smiling baby Auntie May said that. But it was not like my face at all. Only in the old photographs. Oh ye were a smiling wee boy. Oh why do ye not smile? Smile.
So then they took yer photograph and ye were smiling. Because they telled ye. Say cheese. Oh he is smiling now.
I was not smiling. It was just my face. And Matt was looking, I did not like Matt looking.
***
The pipe that went up the wall beside the balcony was a ronepipe. It came down to the backcourt. People played there. The family on the ground had two wee lasses and usually they were there with their dolls and stuff. Sometimes I climbed the ronepipe a wee bit. There was the elbow joint there and ye could stand up on it. One time over the back I saw a boy climbing higher. I watched him. Up he went, whshuuuu, the first-floor landing and he jumped into the balcony there. Hoh. Who was he? His back building faced over on to our back building and was faraway so ye did not know who it was except he was round that street, that was where he stayed.
Then I was down the backcourt and I saw up our wall, how the ronepipe was fixed. It came down the side of the balcony. It was one pipe and two wee pipes joined into it, one to the kitchenette and one to the bathroom. That was what the boy was climbing. Ye just went up the big ronepipe. But where did his ronepipe come from? It came from the balcony up above. Whose was that? Mine. Where did mine come from? The roof, and it passed right by them all, right down to the ground, and the wee bits just went off into the houses and they took the water down from yer kitchen-sink and yer bathroom, when ye flushed the lavatory pan, ye could hear the water. I was showing Pat and Danny and saying about the boy climbing up.
Pat called it veranda, ye were out on the veranda. Other ones called it that. No just RCs. So if it was a kitchenette balcony it was a kitchenette veranda. My maw did not like veranda, it was balcony to her. So I just said balcony. Some houses had front ones, they came out the living room at the front of yer building. But back balconies were best, people all said it. I was going to climb mine. I was showing Pat and Danny and came a big gushy noise down the ronepipe and Danny made a joke. Oh that is old Craig doing the lawy.
Mr Craig lived one-up and was the neighbour above Danny. He was awful crabbit and if ye were sitting on the stair, Oh away out the back.
We are just talking.
Well this is not your stair, away out the back and talk.
It is my stair. That was Danny saying it.
No it is not, you do not have a stair.
Because Danny stayed on the ground floor. So he was not to go up the stair. He did not have the stair. But if we were just sitting on the steps up, they were just at Danny's door, so they were his too so we could sit there. Oh ye have no right to sit there, not on these stairs.
Aye but that is his door there, the steps are just at it.
Oh you shut up you do not even stay here.
That was to me because I said it. He did not like people up the close. Oh away out and play!
Aye but if it is raining.
Oh I do not care if it is raining.
Mr Craig was wee and skinny and his braces were there to keep his trousers up but the braces hung down over his shoulders. And if he was just back from the bathroom, that was what it looked. Imagine him on the lavatory pan. What if he fell down? Imagine ye gived him a fright, ye just went up and kicked the door and oh he was sitting down and pohhh that was him he fell down the pan. He was skinny enough, he could just go down it.
Pat was saying that and we were laughing but seeing up the ronepipe, how the wee pipes went and there was another gushy sound. So if a woman was there and doing a washing, emptying the sink, the water just skooshed down. Ye saw the stank on the ground next to where the ronepipe went into
the dirt, so that was where it all went. I was saying to my da about it. Oh that is the sewage.
Where does it go?
Into the sea.
Into the sea?
Everything.
Everything meant all jobbies and all what came out the lawy pipes and the kitchen-sinks, it all went into the sea. And if ye spat in the sink, my granda did, he was aye doing it. My grannie did not tell him off but my maw did, if she saw him, Oh dad do not do that but he did, so then that went down the pipe in the sewage and all everything, if it was a spider or a eariwig or just a fly if ye killed it, if ye put it down the drain. And yer fingernails too if ye cut them, and yer toenails. It all just went it was just horrible to think because if ye fell in, ye were on a boat and ye just - or else ye went swimming, people just went swimming, and it was in the sea.
***
The new school started. It was up the lane next to our close. In the morning I kept the kitchenette door opened and listened for the bell. It rang and I was out the house down the stair and round the corner. My maw shouted at me for doing it. But she was getting ready too and was too busy She went to her work after me. She gived me a tie to wear but I took it off when I shut the door. I belted up the lane. Everybody all was lined up in the playground, I sneaked in beside them. On the first day there I saw John Davis. I thought he would be in the class above me but he was coming into my class. That was great. But how come?
Oh it is just my lessons.
He did not know his lessons and was getting put back. Sometimes he looked at me if I said about my lessons. How come I knew them and he did not.
I was glad he was in my class and I sat beside him. I did not know many people. Some knew each other from their streets or their temporary schools. Two lasses were there from my one, Julie Michaels and Lorna Buckle. Lorna Buckle did not like me. I never done nothing to her but she did not. One time I was behind them at the queue for schooldinners and I heard her saying, Oh it is him.
And if that was me. I did not know if that was me. How come she said it. Julie Michaels was her pal and did not look at me.
Ye were just seeing everybody in yer class and mostly all it was new people. I liked that. Because I did not like the temporary school. In my new school there were boys I saw from playing football and just walking about. I thought they were Papes but here they were not. I saw a boy that flung stanes at me one time. He was just a wee boy. I kidded on I did not know him and so did he.
Oh and then a boy w****d. He sat at the back of the class. The teacher was out the room and he just started doing it. He had a look on his face and if ye saw his eyes he did not see back. I knew about w*****g but I did not know about other people except just boys laughing. It was a complete shock and everybody was all not knowing what to do but just all if they were talking, nearly talking or else just sitting but jumping about and in low voices saying, Oh what is that? What is he doing? Is he doing that? Oh he is not doing that? Is he doing it? Then the word got said, w*****g. People were saying it, Oh he is w*****g.
Now people were wanting to see and looking round then pointing at him. But he was just doing it and no seeing nobody. Lasses sat facing the front so they would not see him. One dropped her pencil on the floor and reached down to get it but then she turned her head and was looking past her arm, that was how she done it. She got a big red face, Oh he is oh he is!
Others lasses did not look and were acting angry, Oh he is just a child, he is just a child. Oh that is awful. I am telling the teacher.
Some boys laughed at the lasses and were seeing if one looked to see him w*****g. Oh she is looking, quick, see her?
But he did not care about nobody looking. His name was William Mitchell and he got called Mitch. He just done all stupid things, and what he wanted, he just done it. Then if ye dared him, he done it all. He was a best fighter but and people did not joke much to him.
The teacher set us a test to put ye in place. Miss Cooney. When she read out the marks we went to our new desks. John Davis got put in the worst dunce's seat.
There was four divisions in the class and eight double desks in each. The first division was the brainiest one and the top seats for the best two pupils, Sarah Wright and Isobel Hartley. Oh Sarah is always Wright.
The second top row was for the next best then the next then the next. The fourth division was the lowest. But the teacher done it different at the front rows. She kept the front row for dunces so for the front desks in the four divisions it was dunces, so in our class ye got eight real dunces.
The boys in the dunces' row were not good at their lessons or else were not good in another way. So if they were absent all the time or were talking and laughing too much or if they done something bad. The teacher said it. Oh I want to keep an eye on you.
None lasses were in the dunces' row. If one had been there people would have looked at her and felt sorry but not boys. Boys did not care. They said that. Maybe they did. John Davis was the worst dunce in the lowest seat. He did not come much to school. When he came he stood near me and I spoke to him. Other boys did not and were looking.
The teacher put me in the top division. Lucky for me it was the low-down row. The one below me had two dunces. I sat beside Ruthie Grindlay. She did not eat blood-oranges. Her maw gived her one in a poke and she was going to throw it in the bin, Oh it is all black.
Oh but it is not, I said, it is just a blood-orange.
Ruthie Grindlay did not listen to me, so I got the orange and opened it and people were looking, Oh it all is bad it is black, but it was not. I ate it up and gived some to a boy at the desk across the way.
Ruthie Grindlay did not talk to me and hid her work. I was not trying to see it, if she thought I was, I was not going to copy her. So I was third top boy in the complete class. Two more boys were in the top division, one was posh and one was Samuel Ross at the desk above me. The posh one was top boy and in the second row. I never saw him except at school. He just went by himself in the playground and did not play any games. Second top boy was Samuel Ross. He did not talk to me. I did not talk to him. After the test people said, Oh you are in the top division, you are brainy, Oh Smiddy is brainy.
But I was not brainy. It was just the test and ye wrote down the answers. My maw was glad when I told her. She wanted me to stick in at my lessons. Oh maybe you can go to the good school. Only if you stick in. Oh Kieron you must stick in at your lessons.
My maw was saying about the posh boy but I did not know him. If people were posh my maw liked them. Oh he is a nice speaker.
There was a dentist's house and a doctor's house and that was what my maw wondered, Oh maybe it is the dentist's boy or the doctor's, is he a nice boy? Oh he will be a nice speaker.
My da said, The dentist and the doctor do not stay there it is just where ye go to see them. They have their own house someplace else, miles away.
I did not tell them my pals. They would not like them. One was Gary McNab. He sat at the desk below me. He was the top dunce. If he done better he would get out the dunces' row and into the fourth division. I got pals with him. He did not say the answers if it was a test. He just laughed. He saw me writing fast and just shaked his head, Oh Smiddy, teacher's pet.
If he copied. I showed him my test paper and he only looked at it and made a face. So he did not want to do the answers. So if he knew them himself, maybe he did. But John Davis did not write any answers and was the worst dunce.
Gary McNab made people laugh. And if the teacher was not looking he turned round in his seat and stole yer stuff. He skited it over the flair maybe if it was a jotter and it was you to go and get it. He did it to Ruthie Grindlay and she told the teacher. He called her fat bum and if he f****d he said it was her, Oh smellee pong, that was you.
One time she was greeting, Oh I did not pimp I did not pimp.
So she did not like me. It was not me that said it but it did not matter. I did not care anyway. Boys would not tell the teacher else it was hard luck for them. Sometimes me and Gary were pals.
His big brother was a best fighter. Everybody knew him. But if Gary thought he was a best fighter. He acted it. But he was wee so maybe he was not. I did not think he was. One time he was walking down the street with his big brother, I waved to him and he did not wave back. Ye thought ye were pals with him then ye were not. That was Gary. Then he would laugh at ye. How come? He just laughed, as if ye were not something, whatever it was. Oh what ye laughing at Gary? I said it to him.
Oh I am just thinking about something.
He was pals with Podgie. They stayed in the same street and shared their stuff. So if they had sweeties, they did not give ye one. And if it was a fag and they smoked it, they would not give ye a draw. Only one draw and they would not give ye it. That was to me and Mitch, and another boy Peter Wylie, if we were with them. I did not get fags. But Mitch got them and he gived us draws. He stole them off his da and his big sisters. My stomach got sick with smoking. I was in the class and I went dizzy, Oh please miss, and I had to leave the room. I just went to the lavatory and put my head down the pan and just was there. Podgie telled me to fling cold water on my face. That was what he done.
But when Gary McNab done something to me I done it back to him so then it was a laugh and ye made a joke, so if ye were out on the floor and ye did a daft face or a daft walk. Miss Cooney caught me and grabbed my arm and went to give me the belt. I hit at her hand, no meaning to do it but just because she grabbed me. But then she thought I was more cheekier so got more angry. Her hand was shaking, she got the belt out her desk and gived me four. Two went up my wrist. Usually ye just got one of the belt for what I did, a daft face. Four of the belt was too much.
Gary was a good laugh and other ones near the dunces' row, except no John Davis. He did not do stuff except football maybe if we had a game in the playground. He did not come knocking. We asked him to. If he was one of the boys, he could come with us. It was not a gang, just the boys, that was what we called it. Maybe if it was a gang, some thought it. We just said the boys, ye were one of the boys. We went about the gether and played football or what, if we went down to the shops.
