by James Kelman
Some did and some did not. So how come, if one body did not float and another one did? Matt asked my da that. I cannot mind what my da said. But maybe if seaweed dragged ye down, all twisting round yer ankles and ye were trying to escape but ye could not and ye were just making it tighter and tighter and ye could not breathe and the water was there and just waiting to fill up yer lungs. It was a horrible death.
I liked it when my da telled stories but he did not do it much, only when we were wee and he was home on leave. Most times now he did not speak or else just got angry at stuff on the telly, if darkies were winning all the boxing or if it was Papes in the pictures, all the time it was Papes how ye never saw Protestant Churches on the telly, just Chapels, he got annoyed with that or if he made jokes if it was Priests or else in a Chapel and people were all lighting their candles and kneeling on the floor.
Stories about boats were good. I liked hearing them and reading them too if it was an adventure story and people were sailing ships but no if it was submarines or the war, I hated stories about that. I liked them about pirates and the olden days, treasure islands and the Coral Sea. I was telling the boys how ye could swim down so deep and the water was just so clear, even at the very bottom ye could open yer eyes and just see what was there, fish that were just how they were, and all the sizes and big big mouths and the skinniest bodies, just thin but with the sharpest kind of shark's teeth. And all shells ye blew into and were like bugles in the BB band, and if ye found old hulks and boxes of gold coins that were pieces-of-eight and skeletons were there guarding them with all scaly fingers if ye had to push them to open the box and the seawood all trailing.
***
Climbing was the best thing so if ye saw a good tree or what. If it was a different building. The Church down the hill was great-looking and had wee different roofs for jumping right up to the Cross at the top. Imagine ye could climb it and get on with both hands or if ye could stand up on the top of the wee toty bit. Oh but how would ye balance? Just one foot on top of the other, ye could maybe do it that way.
Even going someplace with my maw and da I still looked for the best buildings, and if the roof looked good, what was the best way up? If there was not a way ye got a funny feeling, so the building was not friendly. Some buildings had a face and were friendly. The school building's face was a robot, ye could not see if it was friendly. But the back of my building was friendly, ye saw that, it was just friendly, ye would never fall off it because it would not let ye, it did not want ye to fall.
But then the Chapel too, it was friendly How come? The Chapel only had one roof but it did not have a pointed part, it was complete flat but with a wee slope. So if ye climbed it ye could run about. There was a lot of windows up high. If ye lied on the roof and looked way over the edge ye would maybe see in a window, if somebody held yer feet. Imagine ye did and people saw ye? The Donnellys were up my close, they were Catholics, so if they were there and just looked up at the window it would be me. Oh there's Kieron!
Or Pat and Danny. What a laugh if it was them seeing up. But a funny thing how the Chapel roof went on a wee slope. It was not a big slope-down roof, just a wee one. But ye could run down and do a jump, except there was not a place to jump to.
The new scheme was no good for high-up jumps. Me and the boys were talking. They knew about dykes and jumps from back in their old places. We could go and see them. They could come to mine and I could go to theirs. I wanted to see them, and if we done them, maybe we would. I said it, if we could go on Saturday morning, we would just maybe go, but only Mitch wanted to come with me.
There were no balconies in the old place, it just had windows, so if ye climbed one, ye would just go in there. Usually the window was left shut but so there would not be draughts. My grannie was aye saying about draughts, and if ye left the door open, Oh shut that door son, because granda got cold. He put on jerseys and a cardigan. My grannie laughed at him. How many jerseys is that?
Never you mind woman. Or else Vera if he called her Vera. Never you mind Vera it has got nothing to do with you.
My granda was good at saying stuff and if my maw was talking to Auntie May they would be laughing about him and all what he used to say. My grannie gived him rows but then she just looked at him. He pointed back at her with his thumb and then just a wee whisper, Wheesht son, danger signal, no sparring the night.
My grannie's ronepipe window was the kitchen window and if ye climbed in there she would get ye. She was always at it and doing stuff. She kept the window shut except if it was old bread for birds, ye heard them clucking and she put it out on the ledge for them. Me with the cats and her with the birds. My granda said that.
My grannie did not like cats much so if she left the window open and granda's cats went for the birds and chased them right out and over the ledge, Oh I would laugh, said grannie, but he would not.
So if ye were going to do the ronepipe ye would have to open the window first. But ye would have to ask her and she would never let ye. Oh we are three storeys up if ye fell and broke yer neck or else yer back.
People said that, if a workie fell off a roof, Oh he broke his back the poor man.
Another roof was my new school. The building was made out of tin. Matt laughed, Oh your school is made out of tin!
Oh but it is good inside.
Well no outside. What if the wind blows it will fall down. Then if you are up the top floor. How would ye get down?
We would just climb down. Primary 7S and 6S were up the top. That was us. So ye would climb down. But if the ronepipes were not there. Just dreeping down and swinging. So if the walls fell down, ye could still make it, and just helping down the lasses.
The ronepipes were on the wall. If ye climbed it ye would not get a right grip with yer toe. In stone ye got wee toty holes and stuff, but tin was slippy and yer feet would skliff off. But if ye wedged them in. Ye could, in behind the ronepipe at the wall, ye would get a grip. But if ye went in too far and yer foot got stuck, it got twisted. That happened. Ye were wearing sandshoes and they were skinny so that was how they got stuck. Shoes were not good for climbing but they did not get stuck so that made them better. If ye climbed the school wall ye would watch what shoes and maybe sandshoes were the best. But maybe they were not.
We were talking about it at Friday dinnertime. It was pelting rain so we could not play football. There were two big shelters, one for boys one for lasses. If it was raining hard some lasses came into ours or if we went into theirs, sometimes we did, just for a laugh. So instead of boys and lasses Primary 7S and 6S went to one shelter and Primary 5S and 4S to the other. Wee ones just tried to get in anywhere. If there was no room in one they went to the other or else just got left out, so tough luck, they went to the lawy. But if Primary 7S and 6S were in smoking that was them and they had to get out. Some big boys were bullies, they booted wee boys up the backside, Get to f**k, so it was not fair if they just needed the lawy.
People were saying about good walls and trees, there were good trees roundabout, so who was best climber. Ones looked at me and a Primary 6 said, Smiddy goes up the top of the ronepipe. So other ones were looking at me then at Peter Wylie because he done it too but his house was only one storey up. Mine was the top.
Oh but Smiddy can touch the roof. It was Mitch said that. I did it one time for a laugh. But Peter knew I done it.
Billy MacGregor said, But if ye climb it ye climb it, even if it is not high. Ye still climb it.
Him and Peter were best pals. The lasses were looking over and hearing what we said. Julie Michaels was with Rona Craig and Lorna Buckle from our class, so were other ones. Boys talked loud so the lasses could hear, just showing off, punching boys and shoving them. No for a fight but just a laugh, except if Podgie spoiled it. He booted the ball at people. A lot of times he kept the ball. It was not his but he still did. The boy that had the ball acted like he did not care but he did care because whose ball was it, it was his, but he was scared because it was Podgie.
Po
dgie just wanted to be the boss. He said how ye got great dykes and jumps back in his old place.
Oh but mine were great too. I said how they were just the best and some were really high up, ye had to balance going along and it was just like a tightrope. Imagine ye had a tightrope and could walk it, if ye put it between yer houses, if ye stretched it right across the back and then ye could just run across and no touch the ground and all everybody was down below. Gary McNab made a joke and people were laughing. It was a wee bit dirty and lasses heard. We looked at them but they were just laughing as well, some of them.
Imagine a lassie climbing. Lasses could not climb if with dresses on because ye could see up. It would be with one hand because for a lassie it was a dress and she would be holding it down so it did not blow up. All people down below would see her k*****rs, they would, and just her legs to the top, just if they looked up, they would see, they would, so she would have to wear trousers except no in school, lasses were not allowed to because it was the uniform and it was skirts, lasses had to wear them and if the wind blowed, ye just waited for that, it was a laugh.
The bell was going to ring. But bang, Podgie booted the ball into the lasses. One hit Ruthie Grindlay. They were angry shouting at him. He was laughing and done it again. They were having to jump so if it smacked into their legs, it was sore. And mucky too, how it was making their legs all dirty and then if it was splashing their skirts, it was grey skirts they wore and that was just not fair. Boys were laughing. Mitch too, and Gary McNab. They thought it was good what he done but other boys did not. Peter Wylie and Billy MacGregor, I saw them give a wee look then they went to the edge. The lasses were angry and going out the shelter. I went to stand next to Peter and Billy, just looking out at the rain.
Podgie was still kicking the ball and boys were laughing, a lot of Primary 6 S. They just wanted in with Podgie. Julie Michaels, Rona Craig and Lorna Buckle had gone over to the edge of the shelter with other ones out our class. Isabel Hartley shouted at Podgie, Oh you are just a child, you should just act yer age!
Podgie and Gary were laughing. Mitch was laughing too but it was daft and I did not want to. It was what wee boys done. So if Podgie was yer pal. But he was not a real pal.
Now the ball got booted out the shelter. It travelled right the way down the playground. Oh for f**k sake. I heard somebody saying it.
Who was it thumped the ball? Podgie was asking. Whoever thumped it would have to go and get it. That was what he said. But we knew it was him. We all were looking. Who was going to get it? Nobody, no unless a wee boy, if Podgie made him. The rain was bouncing off the ground.
Billy MacGregor said, Oh Smiddy, did ye hear about the Lifies? They are starting soon. They telled us down the Church.
They are going to have a football team, said Peter Wylie.
Oh that is smashing.
You joining?
Aye, I said, we had a great Lifies back in the old place.
So did we, said Peter and was telling about how all the things they done. Me and Billy were saying about it too. I saw Julie Michaels looking at us. If she was listening. She saw me seeing her and turned to Lorna Buckle.
Then Podgie was there and saying about climbing. He was just butting in. How come he was talking about that? He thought we were talking about it but we were not. Podgie did not like climbing. Because really he could not climb. So how come he was saying about it?
Except just getting in with us, he did not like us talking because he was not here. He wanted to stand with us so we would be with him. It was to be the boss.
He was looking at me. How come? I did not care. Because I did not like him booting the ball into the lasses. Because I went with Peter Wylie and Billy MacGregor.
If he said about climbing, that was just stupid. The other one that did not climb was John Davis. Podgie hated it because then it was him and John Davis and that put them together. Even a wee wall. Oh climbing is's***e. I cannot be bothered climbing. That was Podgie. But if he climbed a wee wall then he could climb a big one. I even said it to him. Climb a wee wall first then do a big one. It is just the same.
No it is not.
It is. Ye just do not look down, no till ye get good at it.
That is right, said Peter Wylie.
Is it f**k, said Podgie, what if ye fall off:'
Aye but ye do not fall off, I said.
Oh you are always talking.
No I am not.
You think you are the best climber.
No I do not. I do not.
I saw other people looking. But I did not say I was the best climber. I was not a boaster, if they thought I was, I was not. So if I was a best climber. But no the complete best. I did not say I was.
But so maybe I was. I did not care. If I was I was. If I wanted to climb something I climbed it. If I wanted to. It was up to me. I would just do it. It was my business. Even if it was my da. I did not care if it was my da. I said it. Oh if I want to climb something I will climb it. I just want to do it.
Well what if it is yer da? said Podgie. If he f*****g catches ye.
What about it?
Oh ha ha, said Podgie. So he gives ye a doing!
Well that is his business.
So if he batters ye?
It is his business.
Ha ha.
Well I do not care either if it is me. Mitch said, If it is my f*****g da, and he catches me if I am doing something I do not f*****g care. I would just kill him.
People were looking when Mitch said that.
Other people now were talking about their das and what like they were. Lasses too. Then Rona Craig said about her da, how he got killed in the Army. I knew that because she said it before. It was her maw and her grannie in the house. I liked that, so ye just could do things, if yer da was not there. She had a big brother too. Me and the boys knew him because he had great bikes and showed ye how to do stuff. I liked Rona Craig. She had a wee face and brown hair and just how she had a quite loud voice and was aye laughing and playing with other lasses. She was quite cheeky Her voice was there now and ye heard her, she was saying about her uncle and auntie. They were taking her and her cousin to the circus for a Christmas present, it was to the Kelvin Hall, the circus and the carnival were coming. Oh I am going too! shouted a lassie.
Oh my da worked in the carnival, said somebody.
Donald MacDonald said how his uncle was a great football player with Rangers. But he did not play for Rangers, it was just trials to play for them. A Primary 6 boy's uncle played for a team down in England. Another one shouted about his granda played for Clyde and got capped for Scotland. I did not know who the boy was. I thought he was Primary 5 except Primary 5S usually were in the other shelter.
Now people were saying about their grannies and grandas. I could have about mine and how he was a good boxer, his pal wore the amateur vest for Scotland and was a champion, then my grannie too and how if it was swimming, she was just a great swimmer. But now all people were talking and just loud so ye could not hear one because they all were doing it. The wee ones too, Oh de de de de de de, de de de de de de. It was seagulls out the shelter, goh goh goh goh, quoh quoh quoh. All their voices.
The rain got louder now and pattering off the roof, bouncing off the ground. People were watching it. Podgie said, Oh Smiddy, I know a wall ye cannot climb.
He stepped out, pulling his jacket up over his head, and pointing up at the school roof. Ye cannot climb that. Ye can never climb that.
How no?
Because ye cannot.
How?
Just because ye cannot.
How?
Oh are you trying to say ye could? Oh are ye? Are you trying to f*****g say ye will climb it?
Maybe.
Well do it?
No.
Because ye f*****g cannot. Ye cannot. If ye could ye would.
Maybe.
Do it!
No.
Because ye cannot.
Maybe I can.
Well go
and f'*****g do it.
No the now if it is raining, it is pelting.
Well do it after. Do it at four o'clock.
Podgie was talking in a loud voice. So people all were hearing. Lasses too. All watching. So if ye were going to climb it or ye were just a coward? Did ye just do what Podgie telled ye to do? That was Mitch. Go and skelp that lassie's b*m and he would go away and do it.
Podgie was laughing at me. How come? I never done nothing to him. It was just jealous.
Oh he was the best at everything. That was what he wanted. Okay if it was fighting and throwing stones and stuff, or if football, sometimes he was good at football and ye said that, maybe, maybe if he was. But no climbing. No running. No swimming either, he never went. I said to Mitch how he never came to the swimming baths, just because he cannot swim!
But even if it was yer da. Podgie had the best da. Oh my da comes here with me and goes there with me. Oh if my maw says that to me. Just leave the boy alone.
That was Podgie's da. He got Podgie the Rangers strip so he was going to play for Rangers. Ye just got sick of it.
Then Gary McNab said, Ye going to do the school roof Smiddy?
Maybe.
When? said Podgie. Do it the f*****g now. No.
So when?
At four o'clock. No if it is raining but. I am no doing it if it is raining.
***
It was a flat roof. If ever a ball went up it would stay up. But none went up. People said they did but it was too high. I thought that. How could ye kick one up? Ye could not. Except if ye threw it. But ye could not. No even a wee one. Even if ye batted it up. Unless maybe a golfball. I did not care about balls on the roof. Better if there was none. I did not want nothing on the roof. It was the highest. Nobody would see ye up on it. Ye would just be there and that would be that. So if ye were up ye were up, seeing down over all the roofs, right the way over and then there were the hills away way over the gun-site and up to the highlands. That was us in the new scheme. The Minister said it at Friday Assembly. Only thank the Heavenly Father because where we were, it was the beautifullest place if ye would want to be anywhere. Imagine ye were stuck in the middle of the town and could not see any single thing except tenement buildings, would that not be awful? Only give thanks to the Heavenly Father.
