by James Kelman
Imagine Billy in that playground game. What if he came and played. Maybe he would not be so good. Ye could not be good in that game, too many were running about. Really, it was just's***e. Billy was a good runner too but maybe I was faster. But he was a great dribbler. But then passing, he was just great at passing. The big ones said that. Oh wee Billy is a great passer of a ball. When they picked sides they picked him first among all us. They even picked him before some big ones. I saw them doing it. Billy was just the best player. But they picked me second of the wee boys and people saw it. I was not boasting, they just done it.
***
There was not much fighting at the good school except football in the playground if somebody booted ye so ye booted them back or went in hard and they just swiped at ye. Or else rugby, if they stuck their arms out and shoved ye so if ye shoved them back or in the scrum somebody punched ye.
We got rugby practice. Ye picked the ball up and threw it back the way, ye ran forward but threw it back. Some boys knew about rugby. I did not, and other ones. Ye ran about if it was windy, or else if it was not ye just stood still and were freezing. Big ones were good at it, fat ones leaned on top of ye. The old PE teacher liked rugby better than football and wanted us to play it. Ye aye got muddy falling down. Some just stayed out the way. I was one except I was no a bad runner. The teacher shouted at me to carry the ball, run with it, get to the byline and leave it on the ground behind the goal, and that counted as a goal. One boy was a fast runner and knew how to do it. Hannah. Oh tackle him, tackle him.
Ye were to dive on top of him but he was good at it and shoved everybody out the road. If it was football it was a foul but rugby ye could shove them, even if it was a slap, I went to tackle him and he slapped me.
Oh f**k off!
I shouted at him loud and people all heard. But Hannah just ran away and got the goal.
The teacher did not give me a row for swearing but then I was passing him and he said, Oh Smith, next time tackle him.
Hannah would have beat me at fighting. He was one of the best fighters. But if ye tackled him he did not fight, he did not care, and not about me swearing at him. Oh it is just a game. The teacher said, There will be no fighting. If there is any fighting to be done it is me that will do it.
He got angry at ones that did not play right, if ye did not try. Oh rugby is a man's game. Be a man, be a man!
He ran beside ye when ye were running. Keep going Smith keep going. I thought he was going to tackle me but he did not. Oh keep going keep going. I just ran fast to score a goal. And him shouting at ye, Oh do not throw it do not throw it!
Ye were just to put it down then dive on top of it. But with some big ones, ye went to tackle them and they just shoved ye away easy. But the way the good ones tackled you was diving. That was big Brogan and Hannah, they just dived in and grabbed ye. A boy called Stewart was running with the ball and big Brogan came to get him. Stewart looked over and saw him and just threw the ball away. The PE teacher made him pick it up and run with it again and then tackled him, the teacher did, he tackled Stewart. Then he got up and was angry again because his tracksuit trousers were completely mud, mud mud right through them. See what you made me do Stewart!
That made Stewart scareder and ye felt sorry for him.
If the ball came and ye dribbled it like football the teacher hated it. Even if ye kicked it past everybody and ran up to score a goal, he just hated it. That is not rugby.
Most people did not like rugby. The Belgium boy got a note from his parents. The teacher tore the note up. Oh then just stay in the dressing room.
So the Belgium boy had to stay in the dressing room and the teacher locked the door so he could not get out.
But what he done, his homework!
He just finished it. Ye got off the rugby. I could do a forgery note from my mother. Please sir could Kieron be excused from rugby practice, so then ye just done yer homework.
Boys done forgery stuff with railway passes. I saw them on the train. The names and dates were on the green cards. Ink from biro pens was best but no for matching. That was fountain pens and black ink but ye had to watch because it smudged easy. Some things were good for changing. A 1 to a 4, a 2 to a 4, a 2 to a 9. Then if it was September to November, December. January to February. Other ones looked hard. The best thing was razor blades. My grannie kept my granda's. Ye got one and scraped out the real date. Ye done it light so ye did not tear the card. If ye scraped too much it showed white and the railway porters would know Then if the ink blotted.
But if ye done it good they did not see it. The railway porters were in a rush and did not look at them. But if they saw the forged one they grabbed it off ye, wrote down yer name and address.
It was okay for me if it was Pat's da, he collected tickets at the station. When ye got off the train and it was him standing at the gate ye just walked through and he winked at ye and did not look. But if it was another one he did look so ye had to have the pass to show him.
I was going to do it. My maw gave me the money for the pass every week. If I done it I could keep the money and save it up. I could just go and do anything and what else? Anything just I wanted, if it was my money. So it was nothing to do with them. No even my da.
There was a cafe near the school station and people went to it but it was dear to sit in with drinks or else a roll and sausage, but if ye had money it was great. The boy called McEwan went with his pals. One was in my class. He looked over but did not talk to me. They had a jukebox for the Top Twenty. Lasses went as well. People just talked to them. I was in it one time and a lassie from iC dropped a spoon and I picked it up and gave her it. Oh thanks, she said, just quiet.
I hoped she would not know I was in iG. Then my nose how if ye looked at one side it was okay but the other side was not, just squinty. Ye wanted lasses to see it the good way, but I did not care, no in that school.
A woman teacher hit a boy on the ear and knocked off his specs. She was giving him the strap. She was young and with a quiet voice and looked over yer shoulder when ye were writing. She came behind ye and had on perfume. I could not hear her and wondered if she was still there and then just very very quiet ye heard her breathing. I stopped writing to look round and see.
Oh please carry on with your work.
The boy that she done it to, she held the tips of his fingers in her left hand and then swung the strap down but she could not do it right. Her shoulder went up and down in a funny way. The strap went way out and ye knew it was going to miss but then it hit his ear. People were talking about it. If that boy's father got lawyers to the teacher because what if it bashed the glass and splinters went in his eye. She should be sacked from her job. If they got lawyers, lawyers would just sack her. What if that boy went blind?
Others teachers missed ye as well, or if it just hit the very tips of yer fingers, but it was sore and stung ye. Our Registration teacher was good at giving the strap. Other ones hit ye up the wrist but no him. If he caught ye writing forgery notes it was the strap. For persistent absence some sent ye to the Headmaster but he did not, just belted ye. All the teachers were posh and so was he, McKinnon, with curly hair and a red face. Some let ye away with things but no him. He liked the Bible and gave ye prayers. Usually Registration lasted ten minutes then ye went to yer first class but on Fridays it was a real class except ye got Religion. Ye had to read verses and memorize bits while he marked up the Attendance Register for the week. He asked ye questions. The Pharisees and the Sea of Galilee. Who entered and passed through Jericho. The Lord Jesus. And who was hiding up a tree. Zacchaeus, son of Abraham. Was he a rich man or a poor man? Then if anybody could say a verse. And the second one came, saying, Lord, thy pound hath gained five pounds.
If you did not get the answer right he did not tell ye it, just moved on to the next person. People gave the answers. Even ones that acted tough. The Registration teacher did not speak much. Ye went to his desk to give him a sick letter and ye had to stand there when he read it. Ye got
a sore stomach. He finished and stared at ye. He did not know if ye had made it all up. He never asked ye. Oh but you were to tell him. That look he done at ye, right in at yer eyes. And ye were to say it to him, Please sir it was not my mother it was me, I wrote the letter.
That was what he wanted. People said stuff to him then got the strap. Ye knew ye were to get it. Ye walked to the middle of the floor. He got the strap out his desk. It was rolled up. Ye were to hold out yer hands. He did not tell ye to, except if ye could not do it. Ye wanted to keep yer hands in yer pockets and see what he would say, but ye did not. He just waited for ye to hold yer hands out and be ready, then he saw ye were ready and Wham, Wham, Wham. Some were too scared to hold out their hand and were greeting even before he done it. He waited for them to stop but if they could not stop he just said, Come on now, and usually they did.
He hit ye on one hand or he hit ye on two. Ye crossed yer hands for two. He done it in an order so ye knew what it was, one smack for a wee thing, two smacks if it was more, then three then four and then it was six. Nobody got five. Four was bad, yer hand went past the stinging stage to numb. Six was for the worst. Nobody got it in my class. McEwan did. He was in iF so the Registration teacher was not even his teacher.
People talked about McEwan. Ye wondered what he got the belt for, maybe if it was stealing. McEwan stole stuff. Everybody knew it. But if it was stealing he would have got expelled. People said that too. I waited to hear what he got the belt for but nobody said.
After the Registration teacher belted ye ye were to return to yer desk. People were holding their wrists and blowing into their hands, Aaahh, aahh. Or else if ye were greeting. Some teachers wanted ye to rub yer hands and look like it was horrible agony. I would just have laughed at them. But that made it worse. Blind impudence. One teacher said that, Oh this is blind impudence.
The Registration teacher put the strap back in the desk and if ye were rubbing yer hands he stared at ye till ye remembered to go back to yer desk. Ye got one, two, three or four. No many posh ones got strapped. People said lasses did not get the belt but one did, Effie Stewart, and it was the worst ever. She was a big girl and acted tough. Ye thought she would greet when he gave her it but she did not. He gave her two. They were hard ones. That was how he done it.
She walked fast to her desk after he strapped her. Even it looked cheeky the quick walk she done. Then she sat down and stuck her tongue out. But it was no at him. She was looking down at the desk, her hands up at her head and her head bended over. Her eyes were shut and her tongue poking out. How come? Was she greeting? I could not see proper but then did. Just how her head was and her hands up at her eyebrows, just smoothing them, smoothing them, her fingers just doing it. Nobody was looking at her. I just was because I was near her and was wanting to see, just to see. I did not know if she was greeting. Her head was bent over and her tongue poking out, just poking out. It went on a long while. Ye thought if she was sleeping but she wasnay, I knew she wasnay. I got an angry feeling. It was in my stomach and coming up my throat so I was gulping to stop it, what it was, I do not know, if I was going to greet or something, or what, and my stomach. It was not greeting. I thought it was, that I was going to but it was not. Then ye were just wanting away. People quite liked the Registration teacher. Oh he is fair, he only straps ye if ye deserve it. But no now, hitting a lassie, imagine hitting a lassie, that is what I thought, ye just wanted to batter him, if ye were a man, ye would have battered him, he was just a rotten c**t, I f*****g hated him.
Another one went on and on about stuff that was nothing to do with the class and acted tough with everybody. Oh he has got a mental age of three. A boy said that about him, a mental age of three. Ye thought he was going to smack ye on the back of the head. He walked up the passage and stared at ye with big eyes and raised his hand as if to do it, then just pulled at his ear. People said what they would do if he ever tried it, their father would get lawyers. He was a big man. I thought about how ye would get him if it was me and the boys were there, even just Mitch. One could spit in his face then he was wiping himself and the two of ye just jump him. Ye could pick up something and batter him with it. Ye would just keep out his clutches. He had great big hands and if he skelped ye ye would feel it. He had hands bigger than my da, if he hit ye ye would fly across the room.
The girls did not like him. He said to one, Oh you are just a smelly little girl.
He had two wee daughters of his own and told stories about all stuff. People asked him stupid questions because he forgot the lessons and just said stories. He told one about daft people. Boys were tapping their heads at him. I did not, because what if he was daft? Ye had to watch it with daft people if ye were making a fool of them. What if they caught ye doing it? Back in the old place a daftie stayed at the top of my street and guarded his close. He did not let ye in unless ye stayed up the stair. If ye ran through he tried to whack ye. People done it to get chases off him but if he caught ye it was sore. One time he gripped my arm very tight and slapped me on the face. I was not the worst but he could not catch the big boys, his fingers pressing in my arm. My maw was angry but my grannie knew about the man. Oh he is just simple, she said. We had them in the scheme too so ye were careful.
This story the teacher telled was just stupid, a grown-up family with two women that were old. They were sisters and had long straggly hair with white faces and red red lips. People were feared of them. Wee ones used to shout at them but they stopped it. Then they were elderly people and at death's door. One day they went to the shops for messages. The teacher passed by and saw them at a lamp-post looking this way and that. How come?
Oh they are waiting for a bus, a man said, making a joke. But it looked like the two old sisters were. They had been to the shops and their messages were lying at their feet. Ye wondered would they walk on and forget about them. What would happen if they did and left their messages lying. So if ye were a Christian what would ye do. Would ye lift up the messages and steal them, or else take them to their house. Would ye just leave them there. Would somebody else come along and steal them. What if they were a Christian. What if ye had no money. What if yer maw and da had none and ye needed these messages for yerself. There was no food in yer house. Would ye take them and give them to yer maw. Or else give them to the cops to feed the poor, if the poor was needy and wanted them. The teacher said about his little daughter, that was what she wanted to do, Oh daddy if we can give the messages to the poor.
The teacher thought how right she was and was proud of her for such a little girl. But instead of doing that he just picked up the messages and brought them to the two sisters' house. That was the wisest course of action. The stories went on and on and made ye late for the next class but they were better than the lessons.
Some teachers ye thought what things they taught just by looking at them. Latin teachers and Maths teachers were the same, then English teachers and History teachers, and Geography teachers and Maths teachers too. Some tried to be funny all the time or made a joke against ye. One boy in the class was good at being cheeky and he done it so the teacher did not know, but then he wondered and ye saw him looking but the boy acted like it was not anything. Then he came out and said something else and it was nearly total cheeky except it was not, just in no more. The teacher was waiting if it would go further but the boy just smiled. He talked very posh and his da was something like a dentist or an architect, that was how ye could see the teacher. If it was me or other ones he did not care at all but that boy he did.
There was none of them I liked. Except counting PE teachers, Mr Ramsay, he played football for a team down in England. We did not get football much. He took us when we did. Usually he just reffed the games. But if it was before the game and he passed the ball ye could see how he done it. He hardly even touched the ball and it done what he wanted. If he booted it hard nobody could have stopped it. He had on football shorts so ye could see it with his legs, how they were just so thick, but no fat and white, just brown as if he was
just back his holidays. Then his bulge, it was a very big bulge, people talked about it, Oh he must have a big dick. Ye thought how that would be if it was you if ye were a man. Ye would just do what ye wanted. Nobody would say anything. Ye would have a laugh. And then if ye were playing for a big team and if it was against teams from Europe maybe if it was Italy or Spain and Real Madrid and ye got the ball and it was out on the wing, the ball coming to ye, right up in the air and ye just caught it on yer foot and let it bounce once then ye just hit it round the defender, right between his legs and running onto it, and to the byline and cutting in and people thinking Oh he is going to cross it but ye do not, ye just zoom it right into the net, a beauty, what a goal.
He never talked to people except, You go there and You go there, and everybody done what he wanted. It was just because of football, ye knew he was a very good player. People liked the old PE teacher as well but he was no a real football player, he just hit the ball the same way and did not hit it with all the different bits and that was Mr Ramsay, he could just hit it any way, just how he wanted.
***
Milkboys were loaded. It was the tips that done it. Ye did not worry about the wages. And ye got stuff too. If ye wanted milk ye just drank it and said it was a leaky bottle. Then if a woman came out the house to see if there was any spare milk you just selled her a bottle and did not tell the milkman, ye kept the money to yerself. Gary's big brother had the best clothes and the best style and haircuts. If ye had clothes like that ye would feel good. A milkboy was the best job. Out them all. Ye started dead early and then were finished for the day Ye were out the house at five in the morning and back in the house for eight then yer breakfast, a sausage piece or else fried egg. Then Friday night ye collected yer money and made yer tips.
When Gary's brother left school he got his milkboy job. I went with him to see if I could get one too. The man was there that drove the milklorry. I waited for Gary to say about me. But he did not, he just jumped up and climbed in the cabin. The door was open and I was looking at him but he did not say nothing, he just was laughing, no at me but just because of the lorry, that was him and he was up sitting in it, he was just laughing, he forgot me. I had never been on a lorry and not much in a motor car except my granda's funeral. Oh Gary! I shouted up at him.
