by James Kelman
I stood looking out the window for ages till I forgot about it, whatever I would think, anything. Then I was at her door and ringing her bell, wondering how things were, if I had made much tips and if I was getting my customers in or were they out so ye did not get paid and would have to come back later, maybe over the weekend or else what, just whatever till then she came to the door and I was just complete red and the stiffy back and just total it was just oh red, red red red, complete blushing. Then she went for her maw's purse and how she walked, how her pyjama bottoms were like they were stuck to her bum and it went side to side side to side, oh she was just a complete darling, ye wanted to just maybe whatever, what it was, whatever it was, ye could not if ye imagined it, even just if ye touched her.
People said that how if ye had a theme for a wank. Give me a theme. They just shouted. Maybe if ye were playing football and one shouted, Oh there is a theme, and ye looked and it was a lassie walking by.
Because that happened a lot in the Sunday games, a lassie walked by and she was a complete darling. Oh she is a theme man look at her! And everybody all stopped playing to go and see her. Oh would ye shag that! Oh what a darling. Look at the fucking tits on that!
If it was Carolyn but, imagine it was, it would just be horrible and I would have hated it. But how would ye get them to shut up? Ye could not, it was Gerry Henderson and McLennan, Gary McNab's brother, all the big ones, they would just look at ye, Listen to wee Smiddy.
Because ye were weer than them. But they were older, that was how they were bigger. I was no wee for my age, just normal. Only my nose and my hair, there was a stupid thing with my hair how a bit would not stay down, I patted water on it but it just dried and stood up, then red faces, ye got sick of it, even somebody telling a joke, if it was a dirty one, it just came on and I had to bend down to tie my shoelaces. Oh look at him man he has got a fucking riddy!
How come ye have got a riddy? People said that.
I did not know. But it was no just me. I did not care. I just hated it. Then if it was Carolyn Smart. Oh he is a wee boy, he has a red face. But she would not think that. Ye could even see it the way she smiled.
On Fridays ye lit a fag if it was a house where lasses stayed and ye kept it in yer mouth, saying how much the customer owed. If they paid with a big note and ye needed a lot of change, ye looked through all yer coins. If a woman came she could be wearing something like a dressing gown and have a smell about her, just a different one and a kind of warm thing about her that was a wee bit like another smell except it was not. They did not really notice ye or else gave ye a look if they did not like ye smoking up their close. Go and smoke up somebody else's close.
Older lasses too, they maybe looked at ye but no hardly noticing then if it was their wee brother came with the money, they just sent him, so they did not care about ye if ye were there. But no if it was Carolyn. She came to the door in her bare feet, just right down the lobby, then her pyjama bottoms and just how she walked, just if she was walking, and did not speak to me. I told the paperboy. She went to his school. He said he did not fancy her but I think he did. It did not bother me. But I liked how if she did not speak to ye, she just smiled, she did not speak, she just smiled at ye, so if it was me at the door, she always smiled at me, she did, I fucking saw it how she did, she just smiled at me.
Oh do not be fucking stupid, he said, she does not fancy you, she gets any cunt she wants. Boys in 5th year. She is in 3rd year, she does not want you, you are no even thirteen.
So? I nearly am.
Aye but you are no the now.
But I soon will be. Then next year fourteen. Then fifteen.
She will be fucking seventeen.
I do not care.
Aye but she does, do not be so daft. You are just a fucking wee boy to her.
Am I fuck.
Aye ye are.
So?
So nothing.
I started laughing.
What ye laughing for?
I am just laughing.
I did not care what he said. People were younger than people. Everybody is not the same age. That was just stupid. What class was she in anyway. I asked him, a high one like 3A or 3B or if it was 3G or whatever. The paperboy did not know. He did not even know. Oh but she is in the netball team, he said, she is good at sport.
As soon as he said it I knew, I knew, I knew she was, of course she was, good at sports, of course she was, just of course, of course.
What are ye laughing for? he said.
Just because I knew, I fucking knew That was the kind of lassie she was ye could just actually see it. That was her, it was just obvious. PE and games like netball and all gymnastics, that was her, swimming too, I bet ye she was just a great swimmer then if it was running races, ye could see her, just how lasses done it, no bothering about people, if boys were watching, she would still do it and just be running. Even how she stood at the front door, if I was getting the money for the deliveries, ye could tell just how she stood. Maybe she dived in if she went to the baths. A lot of lasses did not dive in because of their hair but I thought she would, she would not worry about that, just her hair, that was just stupid, she would just be a girl that dived right in, maybe off the dale. I had never seen a girl dive in off the dale. Maybe one had. Maybe Carolyn. But she would not go to any swimming baths, just her own one, and it would be a club where people had galas and races where yer maw paid for ye. I could join too, if I saved up and paid then I could just go, just myself. Then if she was there, maybe she would be. So I would see her. Nobody could stop ye going, unless it was a club for Catholics. Oh are you a Catholic, say yer Mass, then ye would have to say it. Well I would, I would just try it, and she would know who I was, if she saw me, because it was me done her deliveries, Oh that is the delivery boy. She would just see me and know it was me, she would.
What are ye laughing for? said the paperboy.
Oh just because. It is fucking funny.
What is?
Nothing.
The paperboy was looking at me. He did not know why. Just because. But it was funny, because thinking about her and just how she was I thought if I was going to marry her. That was what I felt, it was just how then I felt it, if I was. So I was laughing, that was how, because if I was going to marry her, maybe I was, I was just going to marry her. Oh I am going to marry her, I said.
What! Fucking grow up you.
No but I am.
She will never marry you, do not be fucking stupid.
His eyes were not moving when he said it, just how he was looking straight at me, just straight at me, and I thought I would burst out greeting. I felt in my chest or in my throat something and I had to gulp and gulp. I was going to say something back but could not because of gulping, I could not. I thought he liked me. I thought he did. But he did not, he did not at all. He was looking at me that way and I needed to get away He hated me. He was never pals with me. Never. He just never was. How come I thought he was he never was.
She is older than you, he said, lasses will no marry a man if she is older.
Lies. Lies. I knew it was lies just rotten lies. I knew it was, how could he just tell lies like that. Just lies, I knew it. Lies lies lies and I knew it was lies and I did not look at him. Because I did not want to. Because what it was, I knew what it was. I just knew.
Lasses have to be younger, he said.
It is no that, you are just a fucking lying bastard, I said, fucking cheating fucking bastard because I know what it is, how come ye are saying it, just cause I am a Protestant, how ye do not take me to the cards either, it is because I am a Protestant. Nothing else. It just was not anything. Because I was a Proddy. It was nothing about nothing except I was a Proddy. It was not with her being older but she was a Catholic. So if the Priests would not let her. Else her maw and da if they did not like Protestants. Some did not talk to ye. So if that was her family. Oh do not marry him, do not let her marry him. That happened if ye married a RC, they got against ye.
It was okay for lasses but no boys. Lasses married Catholics but no many boys. If the Proddy lassie married one, he could not turn, no if he was a Pape. Papes could not turn. Never. The Priests did not let them. Because they wanted the baby. The babies had to go to Chapel and be Catholics. What happened to the baby, the Priest came and took it away and put it into an Orphanage with all Nuns.
No unless ye turned from a Proddy. It was okay then. People turned. Usually lasses. They went to the Chapel and got Instruction and that was all the stuff ye had to do. It was wee exams they had to pass. The Priests went their teachers and done it to them so then they turned Catholics. Except if they failed. Then the Priests did not let them, so if they said no then the lassie could not. So the boy's maw and da would not let him marry her. So he would have to run away They would all be against him. So it would just be his girlfriend, that would be him. He would not want everybody else, just her. What would he want them for? It was her, if he loved her. And he would, that would be what it was. Just true love, that was it, ye met the lassie and she was the one for you. My grannie said that, You will meet the right one son, do not worry.
So ye would just pack yer stuff and away ye go at the dead of midnight, waiting till everybody was asleep and creeping down the stairs. Ye would need yer stuff all packed and ready. Then round to get her. If it was me, I would not care about creeping down the stairs. I would just run down, I would just clatter. I would not care. My da would never catch me. It would be too late. He would still be in bed so he heard the door banging — I would just slam it — but I would be away, so he would have to get dressed, putting on his shoes. By that time he would never catch me. He would not know where to run to. Because he would not know the lassie! Oh who is she?
He would not know because I would never tell him or my maw. My maw would have wanted to know but I would never have telled her either. She would try to find out. I would tell the boys no to tell her. Maybe they would not know Maybe I would no tell anybody, if it was my brother or who? Nobody. Only Mitch but he was not there so nobody nobody nobody. Except maybe my grannie. No. Not even her. I liked my grannie but I would not tell her.
Maybe I would. No if my Uncle Billy was home. He had a pal married a RC and what happened, when his back was turned, away she went to the Chapel, even taking his weans. Everybody knew except him. They kidded on they did not know but they all did. Then too it was in her Will. That was Uncle Billy said, his pal found out the truth, when she passed away it was the Chapel was getting her. The Priests were going to snatch away the coffin and bury her at a High Mass. Uncle Billy's pal was in the Lodge. Now he was going to have to go to Chapel. He did not know he would. But all other people knew. Even in the Lodge. They just had pity for him. Oh they pity him, said Uncle Billy.
He would have to kneel down, Bless me Father, I confess Father, I am a sinner Father.
Even if it is an old man and the Priest is a young one, the old man has to call the young one Father, Sorry Father and then confess all his sins.
And what would the Priest be doing? Maybe he was just laughing. Oh what is this old man saying! He is just an old codger.
So just laughing at an old man. Imagine a Priest done that. But I could not imagine it. Priests were like Ministers except Catholics, it was just what ye were, some were Priests and some were Ministers, it was just religion and what ye were. I fucking hated it. The paperboy too. People were boasters and he was one. I did not care about what he was meaning, Proddies and RCs, I didnay fucking care about them.
I said it to him another time and we were walking home and just stopped for a smoke. I was talking because he did not. He did not talk first, just waited for me to say something then he came in, Oh that is fucking wrong man do not say that, that is pure fucking shite.
Well you say something.
Fuck off.
You do not say nothing, it is just me, then ye just come in and say it is fucking shite, well you say something.
Fuck off.
But he did not say stuff so I could listen. It was just me. That was the same with my brother. It was always me talking, he never said nothing till I did then he just came in, Oh do not talk such rubbish, that is just rubbish.
The paperboy was like Matt. I said it, You are like my fucking brother.
What ye fucking talking about? I am no like yer fucking brother.
Aye ye are.
Fuck off.
I did not talk to him about Carolyn Smart. Never ever. I just wished it was Mitch because then, because Mitch was a real pal.
The paperboy said stuff. All people did. They said stuff and it was just boasting. And me too, I fucking done it and it was just total horrible shite, just horrible horrible shite and boasting rotten rubbish. I spoke about Carolyn Smart to Sabby and McEwan heard. I said about Carolyn Smart and it was all just stupid nonsense and how come I said it, it was just the worst boasting and me doing it, just complete stupid nonsense about truth, dare or promise, and there was never any truth, dare or promise it was all just horrible boasting shite how I was to feel her tit and she had to let ye if it was truth, dare or promise, that was it if ye were playing, a lassie had to let ye do it, and McEwan was there listening too and I showed Sabby how with my hand, just for a squeeze, yer hand was just gripping over and ye just squeezed her tit. But then when I done it McEwan said, Oh for fuck sake, and went away, and Sabby just laughed and went away after him. I would never ever do that again. Never ever. Never.
***
If it was yer Fate to go to Hell how did ye know? Maybe it came into yer head, God put it there. He said yer Fate so ye knew it without thinking. It was inside ye but ye never knew till after ye were dead. Ye woke up and ye were in Hell. Who could ye say it to? Oh here ye are. But ye were, and ye just looked about.
But if it was not fair. What if ye led a good life and did good deeds? How come it was Hell? It would be a big surprise. Except ye were a sinner.
Everybody was a sinner. Ye went to hell because of it. So how come everybody did not go? Because it was no their Fate. Some people had bad Fates. Tough luck for them, they done good deeds but still went to Hell. They could not make up for it. Even if they done all good deeds, that was them.
Other ones done evil deeds, so if they just got away with it. The Registration teacher talked about it. God's way is a mystery to us. If we could but fathom it but we are puny beings.
What about yer own Fate, if that was Hell? Sometimes it sounded daft. Ye could never imagine it. All people burning in big fires and screaming and it was forever, just screaming. Oh you will go to the big fire. People said that when ye were wee. It sounded stupid. Who lights the fire? Oh is it God or the Devil or who else? If it is an Angel how come he is in Hell? Angels do not go to Hell. So it must be an evil Angel and he lights the fire but then if he jumps in after so he will burn.
Other times it did not sound stupid. If ye did evil deeds ye would get punished. That was right enough. Even deeds nobody knew. Nobody saw ye and heard ye and ye did not tell nobody. So they did not know. Not in the entire world. Except God, because God. Ye could not do a single thing except He knew. A Bible Class teacher always said that to us. But He knew anyway if it was Fate. It was Him gave ye it.
Even dogs had their Fate. Some went to Heaven and some went to Hell. Ye felt sorry for the ones that went to Hell because if it was not their fault. What was a dog's evil deeds? What Fate did it have? Some just were stupid, they ran out in front of a car and got knocked down or just the mongrel terrier, I felt sorry for it.
So a wee wean did not go to Hell. So how come a dog? Dogs did not know. So how come they went to Hell? If it was the human trained it, ye could not blame it. It was not fair to have it destroyed, that was not fair, except if it was the human, he got destroyed, it was him trained it if he was the master, so it was him to blame. So it was me, if the dog liked me and then I done something bad, so it was me.
***
Uncle Billy put his money on horse racing. He got beat and talked about it a lot. My gra
nnie just looked at me if his horse was running on the telly and he was shouting, Bloody stupid bloody horse.
Oh he is shouting at the horse, she said, listen to him. He works down in England. But what does he have to show for it? Nothing. Money just slips through his fingers. Oh if he got paid for playing billiards, then he would be alright. He could not even afford to get married, if ever he found a girl.
She said the same things. Uncle Billy just winked. If the horse won sometimes he gave ye money. Oh Kierie boy, there is a wee bung for ye.
He done it when I was wee and gave me the wink so no to tell people. He still done it now I was old. I had money in my pocket but my grannie said, Oh just take it son.
Uncle Billy laughed. Oh mother mother, sweet mother of mine.
My grannie liked him saying daft stuff. She acted like she did not but she did. But she did not like it when he gave her cuddles. She hated cuddles. I done it when I was wee and she said, Oh it is not good for children, if there is germs. Only the forehead son.
So ye could just kiss her on the forehead. That was the same with Uncle Billy. Oh do not come near me, she said, big beery breath.
I am not beery breath, no yet anyway!
He was going out to the pub with his pal and meeting other ones. And then it is the jigging, we are going to the jigging.
Who would dance with you, said my grannie.
Oh plenty, plenty.
He was going back to England on Sunday night. The bus left at midnight and got there in the morning. He went straight to his work. Oh I sleep on the bus, he said. And then I sleep at my work.
When are ye coming back?.
I am no sure. But I will be coming home for good soon. I am sick of it down there. People do not even talk to ye if ye are Scottish. If it was not for my landlady She is the only one.
Oh maybe you will marry her, said my grannie.
Maybe I will, three square meals and extra helpings. Eh Kierie boy ye have to watch out for these wummin.
