by Donna Alward
He pulled her close and she linked her hands behind his back.
That’s when she felt it beneath her fingers, hard and cold.
She pushed out of his arms.
“You’re carrying a gun.”
CHAPTER NINE
MAGGIE stepped back, away from him. She could still feel the cold lump of the steel, the shape of it, tucked into the waist-band of his jeans.
He was in her house, carrying a weapon. He had to have brought it with him, she realized. He’d had it all along. Her blood ran cold at the thought. In those moments all of Maggie’s old feelings reared up, making her next words strangled and raw.
“You’re carrying a gun.”
The words echoed through the room. For long seconds Nate simply stared at her, as if determining what would be the best thing to say. She drew in a shaky breath. Tom had carried a handgun during his duties. To her recollection, he’d never fired it.
Not until the night he’d had to protect himself. Not until the night he’d come face-to-face with another weapon and he’d fired back. The end result was that he’d lived long enough to make it to hospital and the other man hadn’t. And because the trespasser—a so-called activist—had also died, it didn’t matter that Tom had died defending himself. His name had been sullied by the press, bandied about in the news like some political trick. One side placing the blame on him, the other side blaming the other man. Maggie had been caught in the middle, trying to grieve and defend him while being left alone with an infant daughter and a teenage cousin.
The very thought of Nate carrying a gun and being so calm about it made her sick to her stomach. She’d trusted him. He’d told her about his leave of absence and she’d believed him. Now she realized it was all a lie. The day it had hit her—he was on assignment—she’d known. And she’d let him divert her from the truth. But a man on a leave of absence, on vacation, didn’t carry a gun.
Maggie folded her hands, keeping them from fidgeting and twisting by sheer willpower. He’d more than misrepresented himself to her. He’d insinuated a place for himself at Mountain Haven. With her.
She swallowed against the bile in her throat. He’d known all along and yet he’d let things grow between them. The sting of betrayal was made worse by her acute embarrassment at her actions. She’d kissed him. Wanted him. She’d started to care for him, deeply. Had considered taking it further, knowing he was leaving. Thank goodness she hadn’t articulated her feelings. She clenched her fingers, turning the tips white. But she refused to turn away. Gathering all her strength, she squared her chin.
“Get out.”
Nate froze. “You want me to leave?” He picked his words carefully, keeping his voice neutral.
“Do you or do you not have a gun tucked into the back of your jeans?”
She already knew the answer even as he sighed. At his brief silence, she raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, Maggie. I’m carrying a weapon.”
She folded her arms, putting even more distance between them. “Why would that be, Nate? Am I some kind of threat to you?”
“I’m a marshal, Maggie. I don’t go anywhere without a weapon. Ever.”
Instead of reassuring her, her lips thinned. She’d accepted him at face value and it had been a terrible mistake on her part. She’d believed everything he’d said, had wanted to help him. Had wanted to nurture him. Knowing she’d been duped stung her pride, her self-judgment. She asked the question simply to clarify what she already knew.
“You mean you’ve had a gun on you the whole time you were here?”
“Yes, Maggie.”
She swallowed. She had to know all of it. Know how blind she’d been to what was going on around her. There was no turning back now. “When we went to Olds?”
“Yes.” His eyes settled on hers steadily. She wanted him to look guilty, but he didn’t. She wrinkled her brow. If she didn’t know better, she’d almost think he looked relieved.
“When you went snowshoeing?”
“Yes.”
“And walking each day?”
She wished he’d show some emotion, rather than standing tall, unflinching before her. His eyes were honest but unreadable, a look she realized he probably used in his job every day.
“Yes.”
Maggie paused, her eyes widened. “The day we went walking in the Chinook?”
She waited for his answer, her heart in her throat. That day she’d been vulnerable, and that day she’d made the choice to trust him with much of herself. He’d held her as she’d cried in his arms, listened as she’d told him about Tom. She couldn’t have been so wrong, could she?
“Yeah. That day, too.” His eyes searched hers, like he was asking her to understand. But she didn’t understand anything. He hadn’t really told her anything. How could he have held her and kissed her and been kind all the while having a handgun tucked in his jeans?
She turned away and he bent a little, trying to explain.
“Maggie, listen, what I said is true. I don’t go anywhere without a gun.” He stepped forward, holding out a hand but she backed away. If he was asking her to say it was all right, to understand why he’d done it, he could forget it. She’d been honest with him. He obviously didn’t think he needed to reciprocate.
“It’s a part of who I am,” he continued. “You shouldn’t take it personally.”
“Not take it personally?” Maggie raised her voice, and she laughed a little at the end, the sound sharp and dry with disbelief. How could he possibly think she wouldn’t take it personally? He’d come into her home. He’d brought guns into her home. And he hadn’t told her. What else hadn’t he told her? Was his whole story a fabrication?
She pointed to the door. “I want you to leave, Nate. You can get in your truck and drive into Olds and find a room at a motel. I’m sure your superiors will pay for it.”
“I can’t do that.”
His reply was strong and definite, like he was giving an order, she thought. It would be much easier if he’d look away, or at least have the grace to look uncomfortable. But he kept her pinned with his eyes, begging her to understand. To accept. She’d done enough accepting. She’d accepted the death of her parents, leaving her orphaned. She’d accepted Tom’s death, accepted the findings of the RCMP in their official report. She’d accepted Jen’s troubles and had taken them on herself, done what she could to minimize the damage. She’d let Nate into her house and accepted his story about the girl as his reason for being here.
But she was done. She refused to turn away from him. He had to know she meant what she said. She leveled her gaze. “You’re not welcome here. Not with your weapons.”
“Maggie, you have to listen to me.” He implored her with an outstretched hand, but she took another step backward. “I have to be here. I have to.”
“Why? Why here? And tell me the truth. I think I’ve earned it.”
“Because I’ve been put here. I wish I could tell you more. But I can’t. It’s for your own protection.”
She half turned, refusing his reply. It wasn’t enough. Her heart pounded. All the little feelings she’d had but dismissed over the past few weeks bubbled up again. Tiny things that hadn’t added up but that now made sense. “You’re not on leave, are you?”
“No, I’m not.”
Those three words took the starch out of her knees. She reached out and gripped the back of a chair. His chair, the one he sat at during meals and with his morning coffee.
She looked away, staring past him toward the kitchen window. Outside she could see her grass, working hard to grow and turn green, and the dark earth of the garden, yet to be planted. This was her world. The one that had been her mainstay for years. Her safe place. Right now she wished she could get it back, that sense of normalcy. Wished she could forget all the long forgotten things Nate had made her feel. That extraordinary world, with him, wasn’t real. Knowing he’d deceived her made her long to return to normal more than anything.
At her drawn out sile
nce, he added quietly, “If it’s worth anything, I didn’t like it. Didn’t like having to pretend.”
“It’s not worth much. It was all a lie then,” she affirmed. She walked over to the counter and braced her hands on the top. The first time she’d considered truly moving on, doing something adventurous, out of her normal pattern, and this is what came of it. She’d thought she was safe with him. How could her judgment have been so off? She felt like a complete fool.
“Not all of it.” He finally moved, going to stand behind her, yet keeping a subtle distance. He was close enough she could just feel the warmth of his breath on her neck. It made her remember how he tasted, how his arms felt, strong and sure around her. She had to stop thinking about it. It had been nothing more than momentary weakness. A flaw she wouldn’t repeat.
“I was put on leave. The story I told you was one hundred percent true. But I was called back to work before it was over.”
“And you’re here on assignment.” Everything she thought she knew melted away, leaving a dry, empty space.
“I’m sorry, Maggie.”
Nate wanted to go to her, pull her into his arms and beg her to understand, but he wouldn’t do that to her. He’d already done enough. He could see that as she spun to face him, her eyes wide with shock at the turn of the afternoon. He shoved his hands into his pockets to keep from reaching out. This was exactly what he hadn’t wanted to happen. But his earlier encounter changed everything.
“What sort of assignment brings you to the middle of nowhere, Alberta? I don’t understand. How do you even have jurisdiction here?”
He wished he could tell her everything, but he couldn’t, not yet. Not without clearing it first. “I can’t tell you the specifics.”
She snorted. “Of course not. I’m just supposed to accept what you’ve told me and be a good girl and not question, right? I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
Nate’s frustration bubbled over. “Don’t you think I wanted to tell you? Every time I looked into your eyes? Every time I kissed you, or you told me a little more about yourself? I hated having to lie to you, Maggie! But there’s bigger issues at stake here!”
The outburst cost him. His head pained sharply and he exhaled slowly, trying to will it away. Yelling at her wouldn’t solve anything.
“How on earth could I know that?” Her shout echoed through the kitchen.
This was why he’d kept the plan from her. Knowing what he knew about Peter Harding had made it clearer than ever that he had to keep her from harm. The more people that knew, the more danger they would all be in. If Peter found out who he was and where he was staying they could lose their opportunity. Or worse. No, it was necessary they keep it on a need to know basis. He reminded himself of that, drawing on all his strength to try to make her see reason.
“I know. And that’s part of why I didn’t say anything. You’d naturally have questions. Worries. I wanted to tell you, I did. I have reasons why I didn’t.”
“I don’t care about your reasons.” She tried to slide past him but he caught her with a hand on her wrist.
“Maggie, don’t. Let me give you what I can. Sit down and we’ll talk.”
Nate kept the pressure on her wrist. He looked down at his fingers circling the pale skin of her arm. Why did he care? His cover was blown. Maggie knew who he was. How long before she put the rest together? But that wasn’t all. He’d known all along he wasn’t being honest and he’d gotten close to her anyway. And more than trying to find out information. He’d started to get involved with her personally. He couldn’t begin to count the mistakes he’d made.
He should let her walk away and get on with the job, get it finished and get out. But he couldn’t. Couldn’t let her think everything between them had been a lie. Because it hadn’t been. It had been, perhaps, the most real thing he’d experienced in a long time.
He cared about her. And not just the physical attraction, although there was that. He cared about Maggie, her hurts, her fears. Wanted to protect her. Wanted…damn. He wanted to love her, if it came to that.
“It wasn’t all a lie,” he began. But stopped, looking away for a moment. What was he trying to do? Get her to butt out or make her understand how deep his feelings really went? Trying to argue semantics wasn’t the right strategy.
Maggie was glaring at him like he was the villain, for God’s sake. The horrible thing was, he felt like a villain. All because he hadn’t been able to be honest with her all along. And because he still couldn’t. Not about the case, not about his feelings for her. Grant had been specific in keeping Maggie out of the loop until they knew for sure; to protest he cared about her would only come across as a diversion.
“Don’t try to justify it now, just because you’re caught.”
“I won’t.”
She’d asked earlier if she were a threat, and she’d been sarcastic. But the answer that had jumped into his brain at the time had been more than you know. It was true in more ways than one. In the back of his mind he remembered what Grant had told him that day at the coffee shop. His gut said he could trust her. But what if he was wrong? After what had happened before his leave he wasn’t sure he trusted his instincts anymore. What if Grant’s suspicions were true and Nate let personal feelings get in the way? It would ruin everything. There was no way he could put people in danger based on a feeling. It was too much of a risk.
Right now he had to decide exactly how much to tell her. Enough to ease her mind and not enough to compromise things. Smooth things over. Get her to let him stay long enough to finish the job. He couldn’t let his growing feelings for her cloud the priority. He pushed away the need to pull her into his arms, kiss away the hurt marking her face right now. He wasn’t foolish enough to think she was only angry at him. She was hurt, too, and she had every right to be. What a mess.
He released her wrist and forced himself to relax, one muscle at a time, to make his body and expression as normal as possible. As he did it, her response mirrored his, until they both were more at ease.
“I’m asking you, please. Give me a chance to explain.”
She hesitated long enough that he could take the opportunity to press his case. “I owe you an explanation. Let me give it.”
She nodded and led the way back to the kitchen table. His head was aching now that the adrenaline had burned off but he forced it to the back of his mind. He could take something for the pain later.
He sat heavily, turning the chair to the side so he was facing her. “You know that Grant and I met at a conference in Toronto a few years ago. When this case came up, it was a natural fit for me to work with him on it. It was all set up before I had a chance to think.”
“So you’re working with Grant.” She crossed her right leg over her left.
“He’s the local liaison, yes. And it’s true, I was on a leave of absence and they brought me back. At the time it seemed the logical cover. It’s a small town, Maggie. What would people say if they knew I was here? I had to keep under the radar. It was much easier to come under the ruse of a vacation. Only…only I met you and I hated lying to you from the beginning.”
“He says conveniently.”
She was going to be a hard sell, especially without the details she seemed so intent on getting. Right now she was sitting in her chair, legs crossed and arms folded close to her body. Defensive to cover the pain. Unwilling to listen. But he knew it was there. Her eyes evaded his as he attempted to make contact. She had every reason to be hurt. He’d let himself become personally involved with her under false pretenses. He knew better.
“I still don’t understand how someone from the States gets to come up here. Isn’t there a whole jurisdiction issue?”
This was the one part Nate knew he could explain easily. “There’s a Memorandum of Understanding between the U.S. authorities and Canadian. I liaise with a local department or contact, and here I am.”
“So when you met Grant, it wasn’t about catching up.”
“No. We were
information sharing.”
“And you’d deliberately come along that day. When I took Jen to the bus station.” Her arms crossed tighter. Her blue eyes flashed, accusing. She deserved an honest answer. He wished he could give her one, prevent her from building a wall around herself. He didn’t want her to shut him out. Even if what Grant thought was true, the more he could keep Maggie out of it now, the better. He could at least give her some kind of protection.
“I did. We met to discuss…details.”
“Who could you possibly be looking for?”
Nate sat back in the chair. This was the one question he couldn’t answer right now. How could he tell her? She was more wrapped up in it than she knew. It wasn’t only the proximity that made her the perfect choice. And how on earth could he ask her what he needed to know? Grant had aired his suspicions and Nate admitted to himself that they weren’t groundless. The problem was, he’d lost his objectivity. The evidence on paper didn’t fit the person sitting before him now. There was more at stake than just the two of them. He had to be cautious.
“I can’t tell you that.”
“Again, convenient.” She pushed her chair back but he put both hands on her thighs, keeping her seated.
“It’s for your protection, Maggie, can’t you see that?”
“Frankly, I can’t.”
The pounding in his head was increasing. It didn’t matter that he’d been hit today. They had to move and move now. If he ruined this case there’d be no leave of absence. Two mistakes in a row wouldn’t go over well. But it was more than that. Maggie was at the center of it, whether she knew it or not. Things would escalate from this moment forward. He had to take the time to explain things the best he could. For now. Then he’d deal with her innocence. He knew in his heart that whatever Maggie had done, it had been unwittingly. Had to have been.
They should have had more time to make their move against Harding. But Nate had been distracted, he’d gotten careless. He’d ventured in closer to the farm and was on his way back out again when Pete had driven up in his truck. Nate had stopped, intending to see what was in the back of the vehicle when he’d frightened a flock of geese. The resulting flapping of wings and honking had sent up the alarm and he saw the rifle. And it hadn’t been pointed at the birds.
