by Donna Alward
She lifted her head, her vision blurred with angry tears. “And say what, Nate? You could have been killed! And don’t shrug it off, because I know what it’s like, okay? You’re not the only one keeping secrets!”
His lips dropped open as her voice raised.
“I don’t know what you mean. What secrets?”
She snorted, looking away for a moment. “What am I thinking. It was probably all in the background check you did.”
“What on earth are you talking about?” He came forward, placing his hand on the countertop. “You’re not making any sense!”
She put her hands on her hips. “Tell me you don’t know, then. Tell me you don’t have a clue that my husband died because he was shot on the job!”
The words came out so quickly she had no chance to hold them back. She’d never hidden the fact that Tom had died, but she’d also never let on he’d been shot.
His body stiffened. “He what? I swear to God, Maggie, I didn’t know.”
“How could you not know? Stop lying to me!”
The outburst rang through the silence. “Maggie, I’m telling you truthfully. I didn’t know about your husband. I only knew you were a widow. I promise. Grant didn’t tell me anything more.” He came forward, reached out to touch her. “It explains so much. Why you held back. Why you were so upset about the gun and the shooting. What Grant said last night about the file. I never knew. How did it happen?”
Maggie remembered the look of confusion on Nate’s face the previous evening when Grant had mentioned Tom’s death. Perhaps he hadn’t known after all.
But talking about it still hurt. It still brought back all the bitter memories of that night and she had to swallow the bile that had risen in her throat thinking about what she’d been put through.
“He was a security guard for one of the oil companies. An activist didn’t look kindly on their policies. Tom paid the price for that. We paid the price, too, living with the inquiry, living without him.”
“I’m so sorry, Maggie. Such a senseless way to lose a husband and a father.”
She warned him off with a raised hand, blinking furiously. “Don’t. Please, don’t be kind. I can’t handle any more.”
The last thing she needed now was sympathy. Her eyes darted up to the clock, ticking along steadily as if they had all the time in the world. But they didn’t. He had to go, and soon.
“You’d better finish your breakfast.”
Her cold tone put an end to further conversation. Nate sat. Maggie didn’t know how he could eat, her own stomach was tied in knots over the whole thing. She supposed this was an ordinary day for him. Perhaps it was routine for him. Get up, get dressed, eat and go to work. For her, this would never be normal.
Finally it was over. Nate rose from the table and brought his plate to the sink.
“Thank you, Maggie.”
The words were deep and hushed in the quiet. Maggie closed her eyes, wanting to get goodbye over with and yet desperate to cling to every second she had with him.
“You’re welcome.”
Her throat thickened so that it was difficult to swallow. It was silly, she told herself, that she’d come to care so much about someone in a few short weeks. Someone who had misrepresented himself and lied to her. But she was smart enough to realize it wasn’t that easy. Without intending to, Nate had broken through so many barriers she’d erected since Tom’s death. She’d started to feel again—to want, to need. For a few glorious moments, it had been bliss.
But in the end it wasn’t worth the thud and she knew it.
“Nate, I…”
She turned but he was gone.
She found him near the front door. He’d shrugged into his vest and she could do nothing but stare. Never in her life had she been so glad to see Kevlar and she prayed it would keep him safe. Each pocket contained some piece of equipment he would need. The marshals crest appeared again on a flap that lay over his heart. As she watched, he propped his foot on a stair step and fastened a holster over his thigh, his movements practiced and efficient.
From his pack he took a handgun, placed it in the holster and straightened. When he did he spied her watching him and their eyes clashed, held.
“You look so different,” she whispered. He was a stranger yet not. He was the man she was attracted to, but so much more.
“This is who I am, Maggie.”
“You’re more than that, Nate. Don’t think I don’t know it.”
Her lower lip quivered, she bit down to stop it.
Five more minutes. That was all she had to get through.
“I want you to take it all, Nate. When you leave this morning that has to be it.”
His gaze fell on something by the front closet and she turned her head. His duffel waited, already packed.
It was what she wanted. It was. That didn’t mean seeing him walk away wasn’t going to hurt.
She met his gaze. He waited, strong and steady. How she wished she were brave enough to take a step forward, to tell him what it had meant to her, knowing him. To feel his arms around her one more time, to breathe in his scent.
“I’ve got to go, Maggie.”
“I know.”
They were whispering now. He shouldered his pack and picked up his duffel. Put his hand on the doorknob. And paused.
Maggie’s body trembled. How could this be it? How could he walk out with nothing more than a goodbye? Yet to say more would take more than she could give.
The bags slid to the floor and he reached out, pulling her close and pressing his mouth to hers.
Her heart leaped as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing as closely as she could though the thickness of his vest held them apart. The hard metal of the gun on his leg dug into her thigh; she didn’t care. She just wanted to tell him at last how much he meant to her despite the complications.
“Oh God, did you sleep at all?” she wailed, pulling back and cradling his jaws in her hands, her thumbs touching the shadowed half-moons beneath his eyes.
“I couldn’t. I could only think of you, Maggie.” He crushed his mouth to hers again. When they finally came up for air, his voice was raw. “I wish you’d never left my room last night.”
Her heart thundered. She’d started to wish it, too, even knowing it was wrong. How was it that she could be so afraid for him this way—wrapped in Kevlar and strapped with weapons—and yet be so fatally attracted?
“I’m sorry, Nate. I’m not mad anymore, I promise.” She gulped in air, trying to control the urge to cry.
She couldn’t go through this again. His lips touched her eyelids gently and his hands cupped her face. She knew this had to be goodbye. He needed to go, to get what he’d come for and finish it. There was no sense in going over again what couldn’t be changed.
“I’ve got to go,” he repeated. “I just couldn’t leave without you knowing…” He lowered his forehead to hers. “Damn, Maggie. This wasn’t just some assignment and we both know it. I’m sorry I hurt you. More sorry than you know.”
“How can I be angry with you?” She tried to smile but it faltered. Soon his touch would be gone for good. “You did what you had to, Nate, I understand that.”
“It wasn’t just the job.”
His breath warmed her cheek and she closed her eyes, swallowing. Oh Lord, this was turning into the farewell she’d craved and dreaded all at once.
“I wanted to protect you, you and Jen. I see every day what men like Pete can do. I’d die before I let him hurt either of you more than he already has.”
Her blood chilled. The danger was real and imminent. Yet she was proud. “Do you know how rare you are?” At the shake of his head, she persisted. “You are. You take responsibility for right when most of us shy away.”
“But…you want me to walk away.”
“And it’s the only thing to do.” His thumb grazed her cheek and she fought back tears. “Now go. Grant will be waiting.”
He picked the bags up again and opened t
he door. And just as quickly dropped them again.
And faced her, looking as serious as she’d ever seen him.
“I love you, Maggie.”
The words stopped her cold.
He loved her? Maggie stepped away. No, no. They’d said all that they needed to say. He didn’t mean it. He was supposed to be going to meet Grant. They were supposed to have their goodbye and she’d put her life back together. It was all supposed to be temporary.
But in a moment he changed everything with those three little words. This was different. Love was different. Love hurt. She didn’t have room for love.
She turned her back. “You’re just reacting to today, that’s all. What you need to do, what happens next. You can’t love me…you’ve only known me a few weeks. You’re just getting caught up in the moment.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
Maggie faced him. This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t love her. It was supposed to be a beautiful goodbye, that was all.
“Nate, don’t do this. I can’t love you. You live thousands of miles away. And my life is here, with Jen.”
“I know that.” He took a step closer, unwilling to let her get away. “It’s confusing, but it doesn’t change how I feel. Or that I had to tell you.”
Something inside her broke, a quiet snap that pierced the dam of denial. She’d told herself for so long that no one would ever love her again, but she’d been wrong. Nate loved her. It would never work, but simply knowing it filled her with a warmth she’d long forgotten.
She pushed it aside, that lovely joy and replaced it with the stark reality of what he did for a living.
“What is it you want, Nate?”
He came closer still until Maggie felt the cool wood of the banister pressing against her back.
“I want you. I want all of you, Maggie. I don’t know how, but I can’t let you go.”
“You’re talking about a future beyond today.”
He was so compelling. His weight was balanced squarely over both feet, a pillar of strength and fortitude. He was everything a woman could ever want, so why was she determined to run in the opposite direction?
Because she knew what happened to people she loved, and Nate already faced enough risk every day. She wouldn’t survive going through that again.
“Marry me, Maggie Taylor.”
Her mouth dropped open for the briefest of seconds before she forced it shut again. Everything in her felt like weeping, only she couldn’t. She couldn’t fall apart now.
“Oh, Nate, you know I can’t.” She turned away.
“Why not?” He grabbed her wrist and turned her back around.
Maggie set her lips, looking from his fingers circling her wrist up into his oh-so-earnest eyes. “First of all, my business and home are here.”
“Sell it and start a new one. I can sell my house and we’ll buy a new place on the water.”
She shook her head. “Jen goes to school here.”
“Bring her along. She can transfer her credits. Or she can go to school here and fly to Florida on holidays. Most kids would kill for spring break in the Sunshine State.”
He was tearing down her arguments one by one and panic threaded through her veins. Why had he ever come here? She’d learned how to live her life her own way and he waltzed in changing everything. She couldn’t handle that. Didn’t know how to do it.
And the fact remained that she was a forty-plus widow with a grown daughter and he was nearly a decade younger, just embarking on that phase of his life. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.
“What about children?”
Nate paused and Maggie knew she’d hit a spot. She grabbed at it, persisted. “Don’t you want children, Nate? I already have Jen. I’m forty-two years old. And look at you. You’re in your prime. Thirty-three and ready to start a family. And I don’t want any more babies, not at my age. I’m sure of that.”
“You’re playing the age card. And that’s not fair. I don’t give a damn that you’re older than I am. I never have, and you know it.”
But she shook her head, stopping him. “No, I’m thinking ahead. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
She skirted past him and into the den. It was true. She didn’t want to have kids in her forties. Didn’t want to be sixty and going through the teenage years, or trying to pay for college as she was retiring. But she couldn’t blame Nate for wanting a family. It was another in a long list of reasons why it would be better to walk away. Perhaps one he could actually relate to.
“I don’t want kids.”
He followed her into the den. Maggie reached out and picked up a knickknack, turning it over and over in her hands. “You say that now, but…”
“No, Maggie. I don’t want kids.” His voice was firm, definite. “I’ve seen too many who weren’t loved. I have nieces and nephews and I love them, but I’ve never wanted any of my own. I’d rather put my energies into helping ones who need someone to care. I’d hate to do that and not have energy for my own at home. That wouldn’t be fair. So I’m okay with not having children.”
He closed the gap between them. “Do you have any other roadblocks you’d like to erect? Because none of it changes the fact that I love you.”
She could throw out the fact that he was asking her to uproot her life while his remained unchanged, but she knew she could never ask him to change who he was. Perhaps he’d change jobs, but he’d always be in law enforcement. There was no point even bringing it up. Not when she knew the real issue was that she never wanted to love and lose like she already had too many times in her life. Today had shown her that losing Nate would hurt. How much more would that be magnified after months, or even years of marriage? How could she stand waiting at home every day, wondering if he was all right, wondering if this would be the day he wouldn’t come home? How could she stand to have her heart broken a second time?
There was only one way. And in her heart she silently apologized for it before she opened her mouth, knowing that while it hurt him, having to tell it was tearing her apart.
“I will never love anyone the way I loved Tom. I’m sorry, Nate.”
He stopped cold and her heart wept as the light went out of his eyes.
“That’s it then. I can’t compete with a ghost.”
“What did you expect me to say?” she whispered. “You know me better than anyone has known me in a long time. You had to know I wouldn’t pick up and leave my life behind. Not for…”
The pause said more than the words ever could have.
She couldn’t love and lose so horribly. Not again.
“Please, Nate, don’t make this harder than it already is.” Everything in her longed to reach out and touch him but she couldn’t afford the moment of weakness. “I can’t love you the way you want me to.”
“I can’t argue with that.” He ran a hand over his short hair, leaving little bits in spikes. “I can argue with logistics. I can’t make you feel something you don’t. I misread.”
He shrugged his shoulders, inhaled. “That’s it then. After we pick up Pete I’ll be spending the night in town. In the morning I’ll be leaving with Grant.”
His eyes, dark with disappointment, caught hers one last time. “I know it’s not nearly enough, but thank you, Maggie. For everything.”
He turned and walked out the door, and she let him go, wishing he’d do it quickly now instead of prolonging the pain.
He stepped off the porch and toward the SUV that would take him away from her.
“Nate?” She couldn’t help calling out to him as he lifted the tailgate and put his gear inside.
“Be safe.”
He raised a hand in farewell and slid behind the wheel. Maggie closed the door and walked numbly back to the kitchen, putting his dirty dishes in the dishwasher for the last time.
She’d thought that once he was gone the tears would come, but they were locked deep inside, too deep for her to give them license. She sat at the empty kitchen table, closing her ey
es.
After a time she rose and went to do the morning chores, anything to keep herself occupied. Returning to his room was another reminder of how close they’d come to making love last night and Maggie regretted how she’d acted. She wished now she had that beautiful memory to carry her through, but she hadn’t been able to let down the wall she’d built around herself. When he’d stopped them, she’d convinced herself he was rejecting her.
But what she’d really been afraid of was herself. And now she’d hurt him without intending to.
But Nate had broken through her barriers anyway. She finished making his bed and turned, only to find the St. Christopher medallion he always wore, twined around the base of the bedside lamp. She sat on the edge of the bed where she’d lain with him, holding the heavy pewter in her fingers. Fighting the feeling of superstition that he should be without his good luck charm today of all days.
And when she realized how long she’d been sitting there, she fastened it around her neck. Tomorrow she’d put it in the trinket box she kept of reminders from those she’d loved. For that’s what he’d done to her.
For the first time in fifteen years, she was in love.
And he was in love with her.
And now he was gone. Even knowing he wasn’t coming back, she wouldn’t rest until it was over and she knew he was safe.
CHAPTER TWELVE
WHEN the car door slammed, she leaped up in anticipation.
But it wasn’t Nate’s SUV. Instead it was Grant’s cruiser and he walked, alone, toward Maggie’s front door.
“No,” she breathed, a hand lifting to cover her mouth. Everything in her body went icily cold. She shook her head, backing away from the door. Not again.
Grant took off his cap and tucked it under his arm before ringing the doorbell.
She couldn’t answer it. She pressed both her hands to her face, refusing to touch the doorknob. She couldn’t listen to him say the words that she knew would come next. Oh God, she’d done that once before and it had blown her whole world apart. Tears seared the backs of her eyelids as she remembered the officer telling her Tom had been killed. And this morning…
The doorbell rang again. “Maggie?”
