by Alexa Davis
“You won’t regret it,” she promised, still hanging on for dear life. I stroked her soft hair and knew that I already did regret it, but I wasn’t giving up on her until I knew just how much of her was the C.J. I knew when we were alone, and how much was this worldly flirt. I had the realization that tomorrow, and the whole convention, was going to be more of the same. I kissed the top of her head and she melted against me.
“No matter what, I’m your girl now,” she assured me, looking up into my face. I looked down and tried to smile. I wasn’t as sure as I had been, but I hoped she was right. After tonight, it was all or nothing for us both. But I was no longer certain if I had what it took to be hers, even though she was still willing to be mine.
21. Carina
Sleep was as elusive as I was afraid it would be, but not for the reason I expected. Gamercon was in the background, but no longer my prime directive. I couldn’t even blame Jackson for being mad at me, or for leaving if that’s what he chose, and exactly what I expected. That’s what I would’ve done in his place. I hadn’t meant to leave him on his own for that long, I’d just lost track of time schmoozing the artists that were still giving me jobs outside of my gaming stream. Streaming had become crazy lucrative, but it was a job that depended on the opinions of a whole lot of people at only about five dollars a pop for subscription. Sure, the top guys made half a million a year, but I didn’t think that would ever be me.
So, I laid in the bed next to him while he slept and worried about how I was going to provide for myself if I let my music video gigs go. These days I was just a bit player anyway and in a few more years, I’d be aged out of every job I knew how to do well.
My best hope for my future as an artist and a model was hanging in the dressing room, complete with improvements that Jackson had thought up while he was half drunk. If he was that smart and that innovative when he was down a few shots of cheap whiskey, how much could we accomplish together sober and with a plan?
I rolled over on my side and watched the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he slept. Stiles the cat had claimed him as his own, and slept curled up between his ankles and spilling over one side. Jackson was effectively pinned in that position, and his breathing was the even and deep rhythm of blissfully unworried sleep. He hadn’t touched me before he went to sleep or said much on the way home from the club beyond apologizing to our companions for being tired and taking me away from them early. I hadn’t had much to say either, and everything I did say only seemed to make his shoulders and his jaw clench tighter.
I rolled away from him and tried to get some sleep and prepare for the intensity of the next day. Guys from the company that ran the site we all live-streamed from, Twitch.com, would be on the judges panel for the cosplay competition and they’d be looking for new talent. If I could get Jackson noticed by the right people, he could stay not just because of me, or maybe even despite of me. I knew most of the convention guys by sight. Now I just had to impress them enough that they wanted to partner with me, and get Jackson on a computer within fifty feet of any of them. He was impressive enough on his own. No wings needed.
Sleep finally came, but I’d stayed awake so late, tossing and turning, that when I woke up, I was thirty minutes behind. I sat up with a curse when I realized that instead of an alarm, it was the soft warmth of the morning sun on my face that was waking me. I jumped out of bed and raced to the bathroom with one hard, wordless glare at Jackson before I slammed the bathroom door.
I practiced my yoga breathing in the shower and tried to calm down and get focused. I had a long day ahead of me, with at least two costume changes, a Twitch TV viewers’ panel, and who knew how long I’d be posing with sweaty geeks for pictures. I reminded myself that the money was worth it and quickly shaved everything south of my chin, washed my hair, and was out of the shower in less than ten minutes.
Dressing was the easiest part. I threw on a tight tank top over a push-up bra, then blew out my hair and pulled it back tight in a bun to make it easier to get it under the several wigs I expected to wear. I added the extra heavy moisturizer Shelby made me wear under the make-up she’d be applying later, and when I checked the clock, I was almost still on schedule. The blender was going when I headed back into the living room. The bed was put away and my runners were neatly placed side by side on the floor in front of the sofa. My light hoodie was draped over the arm, and as I sat to put on my shoes, a tall glass covered in condensation was placed at my elbow.
My benefactor crouched in front of me and stared me in the eyes as I glared back at him, and a frost enveloped me. We weren’t a real couple, I wasn’t to blame for his ego bruising the night before. But he had turned off my alarm deliberately, knowing that this was a work obligation that would keep a roof over my head. If I wandered in thirty minutes late, they’d just give the job to some other model or wannabe, and at twenty-three, I was older than a lot of my peers already. And frankly, I had standards that others had given up by their mid-teens.
“I made a mistake, didn’t I?” He ran a hand over my leg. “I knew you were ahead of the game, and you didn’t seem to sleep much last night, so I thought I’d let you sleep and help out with stuff.”
“It isn’t just about getting ready. This job is a whole lot harder than it looks. I bet you couldn’t be nice to people who smell weird and say stupid, disgusting, rape-y things to you while you’re forced to let them touch you while taking pictures, or speak on a panel where half the time you’re being attacked because of your gender, and do it all in ridiculously tight latex, while wearing back-breaking high heels for hours at a time.”
“You’re right, I couldn’t. But, after last night, I just wanted to remind you that you aren’t doing it alone. I would’ve woken you up a couple of minutes after you did, I was trying to get your breakfast made first. My bad.”
I sighed loudly. Even to me it sounded over dramatic. I rolled my eyes and leaned forward so my forehead was against his, and he turned his head and kissed me on the cheek. I drank my smoothie which, once again, tasted far too good to be right, and even let him carry the heavier bag to the car, despite it being the one that held my baby.
“Oh, I forgot to feed Stiles,” I gasped as I turned on one heel to head aback upstairs.
“Already done, C.J. Geez, what kind of monster do you think I am? Feeding everyone but the poor helpless kitty?” A surprised bark of laughter escaped me.
“Oh, Stiles can afford to miss a few meals. But I learned the hard way that he gets offended by an empty food dish, and we would’ve come home to all manner of feline vandalism committed on the apartment, from claws, teeth, or ass. He’s a real charmer when he’s pissed off.”
“Glad I fed him extra treats then. I hid them all over the apartment. He should have a good time hunting them all down while we’re gone.” He grinned at me over the bags as we carefully laid everything out in the back of his rented Jeep. I grabbed the parking pass from my own car and hung it from the mirror as he navigated his way out of the parking garage. The window was down all the way to the convention center and I was grateful for a clear, sunny day free from smog or clouds as we parked and hiked in to the employees’ entrance around the back of the spacious building.
We had our pictures taken and received our identification cards without any question as to why Jackson was with me and, because I was a paid model and a top one-hundred ranked streamer, he got an all access pass just for being with me. It was a real score for him, and I hid my smile behind my hand as I watched him try to play it cool.
“Now, I should go change, and you aren’t so lucky that I’ll just let you wander in with me to look at all the half-naked girls that will already be in there. Go wander around, and I’ll meet you back here in an hour, okay?” He feigned a pout, then kissed me soundly on the mouth and walked off. I should have known he couldn’t stay mad at me. He was off like the place was on fire, visiting gamer-geek mecca. It was like watching a toddler at his first visit to the “Santa’s Playhouse” at t
he mall, just waiting for a chance to peek at Santa on his special throne.
Meanwhile, I undressed and applied all the lotions and powders that all the cosplayers used, some to prevent sweat, others to keep our skin from drying out and then on top of it all, base and sealant for the makeup, whether it was going on our faces, or anywhere else. There were a couple other models in there with me, girls I’d seen around, who worked for Budweiser and Blizzard games. We acknowledged each other, but it was quiet as we all prepped for our dressers and makeup. Shelby was the first to arrive, punctual as always.
“Hey, I already picked up the new “Cards Against Humanity” deck, and a cool “Call of Duty” bobble head. You wanna see?” I chuckled as she pulled out her treasures from her organic-cotton reusable shopping bag and placed them in front of me. I still had lotions all over my hands so I didn’t dare touch, but I nodded and agreed that her finds were the best of the day, and she was brilliant for talking the merchants into selling to her before the doors were open to the public.
Truth be told, most of them were artists and small business people who needed every sale they could get. Shelby put her toys away and got to work, pulling out her list for the day and having one of the gofers pull the first costume. It was, as usual, an oversexualized female character from a popular first person shooter, and I was grateful that I’d managed to stick (mostly) to the smoothie regimen when I shimmied into the thigh high opaque leggings and matching spanky-pants. The bodice laced up the back like a proper bustier, and Shelby told me to breathe out and hold it while she tightened the laces. I watched my face purple while she worked, and not for the first time, thanked God I’d found someone so good at what she did. I’d never seen anyone tight lace as fast as she did, and I knew it would last the three hours I’d be stuck in it.
She kept the makeup fairly character neutral, with big dark lashes and thick eyeliner that could go with almost any costume. We’d have to alter it later, but it was the best place to start to cut down on time for changes later.
Once she applied the cotton candy-pink wig and helped me with my elbow length, gauntlet style gloves, the gofer wrapped an ammo belt low on my hips, and slung a fake automatic rifle across my back, and I felt magnets in the gun snap as they connected with their mates in the back of the costume. It had been Shelby’s innovation to begin with, but now they were standard as they kept the weapons in place when not being used for picture poses, but didn’t slide around when not in use.
All dolled-up, I practiced some poses in front of the tall mirrors in the backstage dressing area, then strutted out into the throng as it was reported over the loudspeaker that the doors were being opened. We always tended to gravitate towards others who were in characters like ours, and I ended up taking pictures for a few minutes with the male lead character from the same game I was dressed for. We posed with children and infants, teen couples, and middle-aged fantasy enthusiasts; everyone on the gaming spectrum.
A few other streamers were there as well, waiting for their Q&A panels. Some were there for team gaming tournaments, and we all had our pictures taken together. Jackson strode up, a large bag of purchases in each hand, just in time to get me some copies for my own stream.
Sheepishly, he shrugged and set them down, and pulled out his camera. He took a dozen pictures of me with fellow streamers, and he was even able to get in a few himself. Once the other streamers were introduced to him, they lost all interest in me, and he was dragged off toward the beer garden, glancing back over his shoulder in dismay as I waved goodbye.
My assistant grabbed the purchases, abandoned as they rushed him away, and promised to make sure they got back to the secured area with my competition costume and bags.
Time flew by as I was cheered and greeted by gaming fans of all ages and, before I realized that my feet were beginning to hurt, Shelby found me and warned me that it was time for me to bolt down lunch and head for my panel discussion. I glanced around for Jackson on the way, but couldn’t see him anywhere. It was our one chance for me to introduce him to the people who could really make a difference for him, and the guys had disappeared with him.
Frustrated, I jogged backstage to change into regular clothing and quickly drink the protein drink Shelby handed me, before sending her on a last-ditch rescue effort for Jackson, with instructions to take him to the panel if she found him.
She yanked the pink wig off my head as I tried to leave the dressing room, laughing as she quickly pinned a blue bobbed wig in place, then slapped me on the ass and sent me out to the lion’s den.
Panels were my least favorite part of any convention. Some guys were downright cruel to females on panels, as though we didn’t have a right to know as much as we did about the industry. They seemed to regularly forget that women wrote, designed, and programmed for their entertainment as much as men did. Fortunately, this panel was all about the models and voice-overs for the games, of which I had done both, so I gave a quick prayer that I would only suffered from harassment related to my looks. It was the easiest to ignore. Most of the time.
I sat in the seat marked by a place card with my call sign “@C.J.Rivers” on it, and chuckled to myself. I could almost guarantee the men who would be asking me to justify my place in the gamer world were the same ones who would tune in religiously to watch any girl play a game, so long as she showed enough cleavage. How was it their fault if they worked the system they were given?
I looked out past the blinding lights and tried to see if Shelby or Jackson had made it, but could barely make out the shapes of the bodies in the seats in front of us, let alone faces. A known voice actor sat next to me, and I covered my microphone and asked him if he’d ever been a model as well. The six foot something behemoth was almost as tall as Jackson, with chiseled features and long dark hair that would be great as a Viking, or an extra in “Game of Thrones.” He shook his head and laughed, explaining he was just another streamer, named Matthew. I asked him to find Jackson and I after the panel if he could, and he said he’d bring his girl with him, another streamer I’d heard of.
I was torn between excitement at finally being viewed as competition for big streamers like Matthew and his girlfriend who were professional gamers, far better at actual play than I was, and disappointment that I couldn’t show off my handsome tech genius to the players, who were more potential clients for him, and a bit of validation for me as not just another “cleavage streamer.”
My companion pointed behind me and when I turned, there stood Jackson and Shelby, thumbs up and grinning. With their passes, they could snag sponsored seats at the front and out of the lights, so I could see him even as he sat. I waved him over and introduced him to Matthew and his girlfriend, who sauntered over as we were talking. My face got warm as I watched the other girl check Jackson out. I wanted to be angry, but Jackson was completely oblivious, happy to hold my hand over the desk in front of me while he talked to my companion and they exchanged numbers. He reached up and kissed the back of my hand and winked, before rejoining Shelby in the audience.
The panel started better than I’d hoped, with Matthew and a couple other guys stepping in when the catcalling started, but then one round, sweaty, red-faced guy who had to have had a few too many beers, started in on me, telling me he knew where I lived, and he was going to post it online so I could be gang-raped. I hadn’t recovered enough to even speak when I saw a big blur pass beyond the lights, and barely recognized Jackson as he tackled the fat man, taking them both rolling down the steps to the front.
Jackson was on his feet in a flash. He put the bully in a chokehold and dragged him to the side where security waited. I stood and watched in horror as the security team took both Jackson and my harasser out if sight. My fellow actors on the panel all stood with me, and Matthew held me back, talking to me softly and begging me to finish. I sat, but couldn’t seem to hear the next few questions asked as the panel tried to get back on track. Matthew squeezed my leg under the table, and I realized the next question being asked was
directly to me.
“How often do you have to deal with men who talk to you that way?” I sniffed and dropped my gaze to the table while I blinked back the tears that had finally started to sting my eyelids, not from the heckler, but from the questioner who had so much compassion in her voice.
“I deal with men like that on a daily basis, both online and on the street,” I replied. I cleared my throat and went on. “Men who stream get salty viewers who complain, and say they’re going to stop following them. Female streamers get threatened with violence, rape, and all sorts of nastiness just because these guys think they have anonymity on their side.” I had an epiphany as I sat there, and I felt so excited that I blurted out my thought. “That’s why my boyfriend and I are starting a techie private investigating company. He is the best at chasing the trails attackers leave, and I’m going to fund his startup.”
“Was this advertising then? Was that guy paid to attack you?” A voice shouted from the back of the auditorium.
“No. In fact, Jackson, the guy who jumped fatty McPottymouth back there, he’s my guy, and he doesn’t know about my idea, because, as usual, my fans and viewers were the first to know, seconds after I thought it.” I grinned at the laughter that followed. “I’m sure he’ll agree to it. It’s got to be more fun than being held up by security. More laughter, and the strange miasma that had taken hold of us all after the man had proudly thrown ugly words like daggers at me, dissipated. Back on track, the aisles flooded with fans asking about their favorite games and actors, quoted the best lines back to us, and even a few fans suggested a tip stream to start Jackson in his new venture, to which I replied that I should probably convince him it was a good idea, first.
Probably because of the interruption, the coordinators let the panel run long, and as we were finally walking off stage, I got a panicked text from Shelby, asking why I wasn’t in my costume yet. I didn’t waste time stopping to reply, but picked up my pace and ran full out to the dressing room, where Jackson and Shelby were waiting for me. The first peek at my competition costume was set for only fifteen minutes from now, when I would be seen first by the judges in a private room, then I would wander the convention, with a member of security and Jackson by my side, to get the fan reactions, before the bigger presentation the next morning.
