by Kelli Walker
No matter what I had to do to to resolve this shit with Slate, Joanna was going to be okay.
Her and my unborn child.
Joanne
“Have you been bleeding at all?” the doctor asked.
“No,” I said.
“Any pains I should know about?”
“A bit in my hips, but I read that was normal.”
“You’re aware of your defect, correct?”
“Yes, sir. I’m well aware of it,” I said.
Robert was holding my hand as the doctor moved the wand around my stomach. The heartbeat of our child was strong and present. The sound of it made me smile. The gel was cold on my skin and it shivered my arms, causing Robert to run his hand up and down my arm.
His touch was warm, and I didn’t want him to stop.
“For now, the fetus looks strong. The heartbeat is healthy and within a normal range and your hCG levels look promising.”
“Why promising?” Robert asked.
“Her rate of miscarriage is very high right now. Until she can get to her second trimester, the risk is almost sixty percent.”
I felt Robert squeeze my hand a little more, trying to keep himself at bay.
“Is there anything we can do to keep that from happening?” Robert asked.
“Keep her comfortable. Keep her healthy. Keep her out of stressful situations. That’s really all you can do until we can figure out where the placenta is,” the doctor said.
“Why does that matter?” Robert asked.
“If the baby’s growing on one side and the placenta is attached on the other side, the dip in her uterus can kink the chord at the baby grows. It’s one of the things that’ll have to be watched as she gets further into her pregnancy.”
Robert’s hand tightened a little more and it caused me to wince.
“Is there anything else we should look out for?” Robert asked.
“Bleeding. It’s going to be natural for the side of the uterus the baby isn’t on to bleed normally every month. It know a baby should be there, but it’s not. So it’ll discharge like normal. Every time she bleeds, she needs to be taken somewhere to have her levels checked. As long as her hCG levels aren’t dipping until the middle of the second trimester, she’ll be okay.”
Robert tightened his hand again and I had to pull away and shake my arm.
“Too tight?” Robert asked.
“A bit,” I said.
I looked up at him and saw how worried he was. It was still surreal to me that he was sticking around, but it was something I was getting used to. After the opera last night he had taken me back to my hotel room, adamant on knowing where I was staying in case he needed to find me. He was at my door at nine in the morning telling me he had an appointment with the best obstetrician in Chicago, then he whisked me away for my first formal appointment.
An appointment that was causing him to worry.
“I’m going to get you a couple of things to help you along the way,” the doctor said. “I see you were given a prescription for something to help with your nausea. Have you taken any of it?”
“No,” I said.
“Good. Don’t. Ginger is natural and it helps with nausea. Throw that stuff the other doctor gave you away. The all-natural store on the corner has some sweetened ginger candies that are really good for stomach issues. Pick up a package and pop one in your mother whenever you feel your nausea coming on.”
“Thank you doctor, I really appreciate it.”
“Let me go get you a copy of your chart for me to send with you since I know neither of you are from around here. Whenever you settle, you can hand this to your obstetrician to add to your file.”
“Thanks, doc,” Robert said.
The doctor left the room and Robert handed me a washcloth. I wiped the gel off my stomach before he helped me to sit up. The string of pictures hanging from the ultrasound machine caught my attention, and I grinned at the little bean in the photograph.
“You know you don’t have to stay, right?” I asked.
I looked up at Robert and watched his steely gray eyes meet mine.
“I know this is a lot, and I had a lot of time to think about what I wanted and where I wanted to go once I found out. You can take the same time to think about it,” I said.
“Is that what you want?” he asked.
“I mean, we’ll be okay. It’s common for opera singers to perform on stage while pregnant. If things go well, I could work until my last trimester. It’s not a big deal.”
“Not an option,” he said.
“I mean, it kind of is.”
“As long as you’re carrying my child, I’m going to be there to make sure you’re okay.”
“Okay,” I said. “If that’s what you want.”
“Would you like to get lunch with me today?” he asked.
“I haven’t been nauseous today. I could probably eat a little something. Why?”
“If we’re going to be having a child together, we should probably get to know one another.”
“What? You don’t already know everything about me? Where have you been the past two days?”
I grinned up at Robert and the most pleasant chuckle fell from his lips. Deep and gravelly. Like he was just waking up from sleep and prowling around for something to keep him warm.
“I like that sense of humor of yours.”
“And I like this stoic, ‘silent but strong’ thing you’ve got going on,” I said.
“There’s a great lunch place on the other side of town. Their portions are light and they have a menu that’s geared towards palettes that are more sensitive to tastes. Less seasonings and oils. Might help you to eat even if you do get nauseous.”
“I’m up for trying anything,” I said.
“I like the sound of that.”
I looked back up at him as the doctor came into the room. His eye held a mischievous glint and I felt my cheeks flush. The doctor handed me the chart along with the photos from the ultrasound machine, then gave me his card in case I had any questions. But as I slid off the table I heard a phone ring out, and Robert slipped out of the room to take a call.
His voice sounded clipped. Lower and angrier. I stood by the door as the doctor jotted a few last things on my chart, then opened his hand for the one I was holding.
“Just want to make some notes for your next doctor,” he said.
There was a growing panic to Robert’s voice. One I couldn’t place. What was going on? Who was on the other end of the line? Was everything okay?
Was it my place to ask?
“Okay. There’s your chart. I’ve got notes in there on some things you should try as you get farther along in your pregnancy. They’re only suggestions, but another doctor might appreciate them.”
“Thanks,” I said. “And if all else fails, I appreciate it.”
“Ready to go?” Robert asked.
His smile didn’t reach his eyes and it made me worried about the phone call he had taken in the hallway.
“Do either of you have any other questions?” the doctor asked.
“I’m good. Robert, do you have any?” I asked.
“Just one. She won’t be able to give birth naturally with this defect, will she?” he asked.
“No. She’s an automatic c-section,” the doctor said.
“That’ll help me in my search for a doctor. Thank you,” Robert said.
“You two have a nice day. And call me if you need anything.”
Robert escorted me out of the building, his hand on the small of my back. I wanted to lean into his touch. To feel more of him against my skin. His warmth felt good and his presence was comforting.
But when I looked up at him, I saw how hard his stare was.
Something was wrong. But I wasn’t sure it was my place to ask about it.
He opened the car door for me and I slid onto the leather seat. It was buttery soft, like gliding on top of jello. I sank into the genuine leather seats as Robert sat down next to me, th
en he reached over and took my hand.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
But Robert was silent as we pulled out onto the road.
“What was that phone call about?” I asked.
He sighed, his eyes closing before he looked down at me.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. You just seem… upset.”
“I have to go back to New York,” he said.
“Oh.”
“I’ve got some issues to resolve with my company that need my attention.”
“That’s understandable. We can take a raincheck on lunch.”
“Are your things at your hotel already packed?” he asked.
I furrowed my brow as I slipped my hand away from his.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because we need to leave soon,” he said.
“We.”
“Yes. To go back to New York.”
“I’m not going to New York with you,” I said.
“Why not? I told you I was going to be here for you.”
“And that’s fine. But I can’t go because of my company. We still have work to do.”
“Last night was your company’s last performance,” he said.
“But there’s a meeting tomorrow morning that I have to be at.”
“Then I’ll fly you out after the meeting.”
“Depends on what happens at the meeting,” I said.
“What is it about?”
“There’s an opear company based out of Germany that has hired our maestro to instruct its tour next year. They’re doing La Boheme. The maestro’s taking a few of us with him, and that negotiation meeting is tomorrow. I have to be there for it.”
Another chuckle fell from Robert’s lips, but this one wasn’t playful. It wasn’t cheeky or mysterious. It was breathless and cold.
Like he was mocking me.
“Isn’t that kind of off the table since you’re pregnant?” he asked.
“No. It’s not. The touring won’t start until next year and the rehearsals will be held stateside until it’s time for the first performance. Which won’t be for another year or so.”
“But you’ll be pregnant for the rehearsals.”
“Believe it or not, women do things while they’re pregnant,” I said.
“But you’re different. You heard the doctor. You can’t be put into stressful situations. It’ll increase your risk of miscarriage.”
“So you want to wrap me in a bubble and keep me at your bedside? Music is my stress release, Robert. You take that away from me and you’re setting me up for stress. Not taking it away.”
“If you come with me to New York, you’ll have the best care. I’ll put you up anywhere you want to be. The best hotel. The guest room in my penthouse. A condo on the coast rented specifically for you.”
“I’m not going with you,” I said. “Even if I’m not chosen for this, I still want to be there to support and celebrate with those who are chosen.”
“You can’t tour.”
“And you can’t demand I come with you when I barely know you.”
“If you come with me, we can get to know one another,” he said.
“What? Get to know a man who thinks he can command what I do because I’m carrying his child? If you think you can control this situation because we got pregnant then you have a very stark reality coming your way.”
“I can’t take care of you if you’re a thousand miles away, Joanna.”
“What? Your money doesn’t reach over state lines?”
I was infuriated with him. Who in the world did this man think he was? Ordering me around and commanding I go with him to New York. I had every chance of getting picked for this tour, and if I was then I was going. The rehearsals would start within the month and I would be three or four months postpartum before the tour would begin.
I was more than capable of raising a child and holding down my performance career. And Robert had all the money in the world to follow me if he wanted.
“We can talk about this later,” Robert said.
“We’ve already talked about it. Now take me back to my hotel.”
“That’s where we’re headed.”
“Then take me back to my hotel and leave,” I said.
His jaw clenched with anger and I could tell I had pissed him off. He was frustrated with me without ever having a right to be. He wanted to keep me stress-free and give me a relaxing environment, but he was the one kicking up all the stress! I didn't care if I had pissed him off. That man wasn’t going to tell me what to do. I knew my limits and I knew my birth defect. I knew the risks. I knew the issues. I had lived with it my entire life. Read every study and every piece of literature on it trying to understand it.
I knew what I was facing.
And he wasn’t going to make me feel like I didn’t.
“All I want is to protect you,” Robert said. “I was reading a little bit on your birth defect-”
“Yeah, and I’ve been reading on it my entire life. Everything I could stand to read about it. I’m well aware of what’s going on with my body and what I’m about to encounter. That still doesn’t give you the right to demand I uproot from the people I’ve been around for over a year and run off with you.”
His car pulled up to the curb of my hotel and Robert’s hand fell to my knee. It was a comforting move. A warm move. The gentleness of his touch was a far cry from the cold, stern voice he was giving. I looked over at him and found his eyes. Those steely gray eyes that still swam in a bath of worry and concern.
“Come with me,” Robert said. “Let me take care of you. Let me make you comfortable. And if you still want to perform after we have this child, then do it.”
“I have to go,” I said.
He squeezed my knee and I wrenched away from his grasp. I stepped out onto the curb and slammed the car door closed, ready to put some distance between us. This was all happening way too fast. Him sticking around I could handle. But jetting off with him and having him hover over me every second of the day? I’d been on my own for years. I took on my education myself. I had built my performance career from the ground up, and it wasn’t glamorous, but it was mine.
And this man wasn’t going to come swooping in and trample all over it because of one night of weakness and exploration.
“I know the risks,” Robert said. “And I can’t imagine how scared you are right now. But you need to come with me. I can explain it all on the plane and you can be mad at me then. Just come down with your things and get in the car.”
I wheeled around on my heels and saw him walk around the car. He leaned against the trunk, his arms crossed over his chest. I shook my head and snickered, feeling anger bubble up in my gut.
“I’m not going anywhere with a man I barely know,” I said.
Then I turned around, headed for the hotel doors, and left him leaning against his car.
Robert
I watched Joanna walk towards the hotel, my body leaning heavily into the car. What a stubborn fucking woman. What did she think she was going to do? Keep living her life and touring while she was pregnant? She couldn’t do that. Not only was her health in jeopardy, but I was in the picture. And whether she wanted it or not, I wasn’t going anywhere. She had made the decision to bear my child and I had made the decision to stick by her while she was doing it.
She wasn’t alone anymore, so she couldn’t live her life as if she was any longer.
Gritting my teeth, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it from it confines and looked down at it as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I had a message from an unknown number and all of my senses went on alert.
But it wasn’t any old message.
It was a picture message.
I unlocked my phone and opened the message as red dripped into my vision. It was a picture of Joanna, walking with her head down into the hotel. The exact scenario I had just watched unfold in front of the same damn hotel I was looking at.
/> I looked up in time to see Joanna walk safely back into the hotel. I dialed the number and held my phone to my ear as I started for the door. I had no idea how I was going to make her understand, but her coming with me was her best chance at staying safe. So long as she was at my side, I could fight both battles and come out victorious.
I’d done it before, and I could do it again.
“Hello, Boulder.”
I froze in my tracks as Slate’s voice wafted through my phone. I stood in the middle of the busy sidewalk, my eyes darting around everywhere. I knew he was close. He was close enough to taunt me with a picture of Joanna to let me know he was there. He was playing mind games with me and I didn’t like that. He was baiting me, but for what I had no idea.
But I intended on figuring it out.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“It’s time for you to pay up,” Slate said.
“I owe you nothing.”
“Not how I remember it,” he said.
“Then enlighten me as to what you know.”
“I know you took an oath and abandoned your post. I know you committed yourself to a family before leaving them for something greater. Does it really shock you that Joanna won’t go with you back to New York? After leaving one family to strike out on your own? Maybe she senses that in you. That you’ll leave her bleeding like you did us.”
“You wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t have money,” I said. “Who are you working for?”
“It’s interesting that you think it takes money to get near money. Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you aren’t an easy target. Your life has never been subtle,” he said.
“Whatever you’re doing, this is between you and I. Joanna has nothing to do with this.”
“She has everything to do with it!”
I could hear Slate panting on the other end of the line.
“You don’t get to leave family behind then play the victim card when you end up alone, Boulder. We gave you everything and you spat in our face. Killed your own in some vain attempt to reconcile things you thought you were guilty of,” he said.
“What we did back then was illegal, Slate. It would’ve gotten us arrested. Thrown in jail. We would’ve never seen the light of day again,” I said.
