by Molly Prince
“Can I… I want to see you change.”
I stumbled clumsily over my words. For some reason I felt ashamed to be asking. I had no idea whether or not shifting from one form to another was considered an intimate or private act and if my asking would be crossing some kind of line. I had seen other wolves. I had even seen them shift. But I had never seen James in that form.
He sniffed the air and stretched again, “sure.”
I was taken aback at how little ceremony there was to it. James stood in front of me, naked and manly… and then he was a wolf. The entire transformation took place in the blink of an eye. His flesh and features flowing like water in a seamless shift from one form to another.
I guess there was an extent to which I had been expecting something more dramatic and physical. Not necessarily an agonizing ordeal of transforming and contorting limbs reminiscent of a horror movie, but at least something that made sense of the inexplicable. Something that I could wrap my rational mind around. Instead, what I was left with might as well have been magic. I could accept it because I had seen it with my own eyes, but I could not explain it.
James was gone and in his place was a wolf. Not just any wolf though. This was still recognizable as the man who had become my lover. Little visual clues like the color of his eyes, a patch of bare skin on his flank that matched the shape and position of his terrible scar and of course that grin had somehow managed to survive the transformation.
He was a magnificent creature. Big. Far bigger than a wolf should be. But his commanding presence came from more than just size. It was everything about him from the way he stood, to the way he held his head.
It was hard to explain, but in wolf form James was just… more. Whatever it was that drew me to him, the source of that mysterious bond that made me feel like we belonged together, suddenly felt as if it had been multiplied tenfold. I felt drawn to him and despite the fact that the aftermath of my recent orgasm had long since faded, my body responded to his presence. I could feel my nipples stiffen as the skin across my chest and face reddened. My heart raced and a wave of intense longing washed over me.
My head spun and I struggled to get a handle on what was happening to me. I had no desire to be physically intimate with an animal. And in this form James was definitely an animal. It was the man, not the beast, I hungered for. The longing was so intense. I tried to bury these conflicting emotions lest they overwhelmed me.
James nuzzled against my leg and then turned to pad towards the main camp. Once there he began to growl and bark as he waited for others to join him. A few did. Men and women, stripping and then shifting to congregate at his side.
There was a murmur of dissent amongst those who stayed in human form, but I sensed that the scorn and contempt the collective pack had held for James over the previous days was already fading. In wolf form it was obvious he was a natural leader and that was exactly what these people needed right now.
As one, the small pack of wolves turned and headed out of the camp towards the trees, picking up speed as they went. By the time they were at the trees they were running at full speed, their heads low and paws pounding in unison. Only James hung back. Before he entered the dense forest, he turned to give me a questioning look.
I nodded in reply.
Go on. Run. Hunt. Do whatever it is you do.
Then he was gone.
And suddenly it hit me like a blow to my stomach. The longing, that intense desire, it wasn’t sexual. It was something more intimate than that. I wanted to be there running beside him. I wanted to see the world as he saw it. I wanted to be part of his world… part of his pack. I experienced a jarring wave of sadness and struggled to hold back the tears.
Did James feel this too? Did he mourn the fact that I couldn’t hunt at his side? That I could never run free with him? I knew the nature of our bond disturbed him. Was this the reason why? Whatever it was between us could never be complete and he must have known that from the start.
I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t notice the woman who had sidled up beside me until she spoke.
“You should go.”
I bristled. It was the woman that had spoken to James on our first day here. Begging him to stay. Daria? Something like that. I should go? What, so you can take a shot at him? It was actually an odd sensation. I realized that I wasn’t jealous. I didn’t need to be. Daria… no it was Darla, was the jealous one. If she wanted James for herself it just wasn’t going to happen. I was the one with the lush curves that the big bad alpha wolf wanted. She wouldn’t stand a chance.
But I was wary. With James gone, I was a stranger here. And everyone around me was a blink of an eye away from being a wild animal that could slaughter me before my protector returned.
I turned to face her, my expression neutral, “excuse me?”
“I don’t speak as an enemy. I don’t speak as a friend. I don’t know you and I am not your rival... You should go. You don’t belong here.”
I gritted my teeth and held back a sarcastic retort, “I’m here with James. I’ll go where he goes. I belong with him.”
She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and tilted her head. For a moment it was as if she had gone into a trance. She pointed out towards the forest, “he is about two miles away, close enough to the river that the sound masks the footfalls of the clumsy youngsters who run with him. He is stalking a stag. A big one. Enough to feed us all.”
She paused to let it sink in.
“You can’t go where he goes. You don’t belong with him. I’m sorry.”
“Look Darla, I don’t know you and you don’t know anything about me. I get that you don’t want me here. But it’s James’ decision, not yours, and if you think you can intimidate me, you’ve got another thing coming.”
It was all bluster, but it was fuelled by annoyance that was quickly turning to anger.
“You don’t understand. I am not trying to intimidate you, I’m not threatening you and I couldn’t care less what’s going on with you and James. I’m telling you this as a favor. Woman to woman. Do you really think you’re the first? That a human hasn’t fallen in love with a shifter before? You might think you love him with all your heart, but you can only ever know half of him and you can’t love what you don’t know. Your union will always be incomplete and between you will be a void. A need that you cannot fill and…”
She threw up her hands.
“And what?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Resentment? Anger? Inevitable betrayal? That kind of thing. I’m… look I’m sorry if I came on a bit strong. But I could see it in your face. I thought you’d already figured it out and just needed that little push. I’m so sorry. I really am. But you do understand don’t you?”
I shook my head, but deep down inside I think I knew she was right.
- X -
They returned an hour later dragging, just as Darla had predicted, the corpse of a large stag. There was an electric sense of excitement between some of the younger wolves as they shifted back into human form. The thrill of the hunt and all that. There was a spark in their eyes as they spoke of the hunt and what they had learned to those who had not joined them. They spoke of James with unbridled admiration.
Those that had left with James walked with a bit of a swagger, stood a little taller and I got the sense that the feeling of pride they were experiencing was not a familiar one. I noticed more than a few appraising looks and meaningful glances between members of the pack. As if potential mates were seeing each other in a new light for the first time. It was, despite the conflicting emotions I was feeling, kind of endearing.
“Enough,” the youth who had confronted James on our first day here stalked into the center of the camp. He held his hands, clenched into fists, at his side and his face was a mask of pure rage, “I said ENOUGH!”
Although he lacked James’ stature and presence, his voice still carried with it a hint of the same commanding tone. Everyone grew quiet and turned to face him.
“
This cur is a traitor and every minute he spends with our pack disgraces us all. It disgraces the memory of Joseph and those who led before him.”
James tensed, but didn’t reply.
“Chill out Dan, take it easy,” said Darla, placing a supportive hand on the younger shifter’s shoulder. Dan shook her hand off and pushed her away with more force than was necessary.
I could hear the low purr of a growl at the back of James’ throat. I didn’t like where this was going. There was something in the air. An aura of impending violence that chilled me to the core.
James stood still for a moment, before making a last attempt to defuse the situation before it went too far.
“I’m sorry Dan. I’m sorry about Joseph. Know that I tried to save him. Know that I will forever regret being too late. But at least I tried, which is more than I can say for you. Hate me all you want… I’m not going anywhere.”
James faced the younger man, his arms spread wide in invitation. I’m right here, take your best shot.
Dan looked around nervously. He was clearly outmatched, but refused to back down. When he had first confronted us much of the pack had stood with him, united in their support. But now, this support had waned and few seemed willing to back him up. This just to make him angrier.
“Shift damn you,” he growled at James.
“I don’t need to. Not for a whiny bitch like you.”
“Please don’t do this, he’s just a kid. Let’s get out of here. I… I want to go home. Please James.” It was a desperate attempt to end the standoff and it failed spectacularly. When James turned to face me Dan took the opportunity to shift and hit the ground running.
Oh God. Scrawny kid or not, the wolf that leaped towards James was still fearsome to behold. And yet James swatted him aside as if he were a fly. Before the young wolf could recover James was on top of him. He shoved a knee into the wolf's rib cage and was rewarded with a pained yelp as he leaned forward, putting his weight on it. Both of his hands went to Dan’s neck, his muscles straining as he pinned his head to the ground, keeping his snapping and snarling jaws at a safe distance.
Dan kicked out desperately, his claws raking James’ legs, shredding jeans and skin. James reacted by pushing downwards, applying more force to Dan’s exposed ribs. I winced as I waited for the sound of broken bones, but Dan stopped fighting back before it came to that.
“Yeah, I was too late… and that’s on me. What’s your excuse? You were right here watching. You were right here when Joseph died and you did nothing. His death isn’t on me, it’s on you. It’s on all of you.”
James eased back and the young wolf struggled out from under him and backed away, limping. The rage was still there, but now it was tinged with a mix of emotions. Fear, pain, but most of all shame. I could sense it from the entire pack, but from Dan it was overwhelming. The fact that James hadn’t even needed to shift to take him down could only have added to this.
“You are no longer part of this pack. If you’re here when I return I will snap your worthless neck.”
It was a promise, not a threat and I felt like perhaps I was seeing the real James for the first time. This was James the fighter. James the alpha and pack leader.
I wasn’t sure I liked what I saw.
- X -
Chapter 3: Carrie
We drove down the mountain in silence. I was struggling to get my head around all that had happened. James just looked hurt and confused. He clearly had no idea what was bothering me.
Somewhere on the road back to civilization my cell phone came to life with a cacophony of rings and chirps indicating the volume of missed calls and messages that awaited me.
My real life was making its presence known. Real people were worried about me. No one knew where I was. I glanced across at the man sitting next to me. His phone, if he even had one, was silent.
“Pull over.”
“What here?” He eased off the gas and drifted to a stop at the side of the rode.
“We passed a motel a mile or so back. I need a shower and we need to talk.”
- X -
“Is it about Dan? I’m sorry you had to see that. “
Sorry I had to see it, but not sorry it had happened. The truth was I wasn’t sure how I felt about his confrontation with Dan. It seemed unnecessarily cruel, but I couldn’t escape the fact that seeing James act as he did gave me a bit of a thrill as well. Outside of the bedroom (or a mattress on the back of a pickup for that matter) it was the most I’d seen him act like this alpha wolf he claimed to be. Witnessing his confidence and decisive judgement, I began to understand his potential as a leader.
I perched on the edge of the bed, not daring to look him in the eyes as I spoke, “No, not about that. I want to talk about us. What we’re doing here and what comes next.”
He flashed me an infuriatingly cocky grin, “I seem to recall someone mentioning a shower.”
I felt a momentary twinge of longing in my loins at the memory of our first shower together, but I tried to keep it under control. This thing, this freaky bond between us, didn’t help.
After his hunt and confrontation with Dan it was clear that James was still buzzing. I could smell it on him. A heady mix of testosterone and adrenaline. He wanted me. He wanted to take me and make me his. He wanted to claim me as a prize. And I wanted him to. It was all I could do to not just lie back and spread ‘em right then and there.
As much as I wanted to blame this need on some kind of freaky shifter voodoo, I knew that was only part of it. More than anything, it was the simple fact that he saw me as any kind of prize to begin with. No one had ever felt that way about me before. No one had ever wanted me the way James wanted me. And as much as that fuelled my desire, it was also going to make the exchange we were about to have hurt that much more.
“I’m not joking James. What next?”
He spread his hands in supplication, “I wasn’t really thinking that far ahead. I thought we’d stay at the camp for a while and then…”
“That’s my point. What does ‘a while’ mean. I have a job. I have friends. I have a family. I can’t ignore that for an extended vacation at Camp Werewolf Trailer Park. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life sleeping on a stolen mattress in the back of a truck”
“They need us Carrie. It won’t be for long, but I can’t just walk out on them.”
“They don’t need us. They need you. I don’t belong there. I can never belong there. I can never be part of your pack.”
It was clear from his wounded expression that this hadn’t even occurred to him and I felt myself growing angry. Not because I couldn’t be with him, but because he hadn’t even considered it. He was content to live in the moment indefinitely.
“We belong together Carrie. You can feel that too, right? You belong with me. Maybe once I get everything sorted out here we can…” He faded off. He didn’t have an answer.
“And then what? Sure, I feel it. You know I do. But I can’t live in your world. Are you willing to live in mine?”
His face darkened. He wasn’t used to being challenged. I think he also sensed that I was leaving a lot of what was bothering me unspoken. The fact that he killed for a living. The fact that he was on some sort of crusade against those that had wronged him in the past. A crusade that, for all I knew, could last years.
“I have to get this pack back on their feet. They’ll wither and die if I don’t. And then… it’s complicated. There are some loose ends. Unfinished business I need to take care of. And then…”
“You’ll look me up? Assuming you don’t get yourself killed in the meantime, you’ll come look me up and you’ll get a real job and settle down in the suburbs? There’s a pretty nice dog park a couple of blocks away from my apartment.”
I was pushing him and being a bit of a bitch about it. Right then I needed him to react. I needed him to show some kind of awareness about us and our future together beyond the next five minutes.
“Why are you acting like this? We
both know we’re meant to be together. I don’t have all the answers, but we’ll find a way to make it work.”
He was pacing as he spoke. Back and forth like some sort of caged animal. I felt the urge to laugh. In my world that’s exactly what he would be, but instead I burst into tears. I felt as if my new found strength, the confidence I’d built up over the last few days with this amazing man who couldn’t get enough of me, was fading. He seemed oblivious to my concerns.
Maybe when you can turn into a wolf and live off the land with an extended family who worship the ground you walk on, you can afford to adopt a devil-may-care attitude towards the future. But for the rest of us? There were things I wanted out of life. To love and be loved? Of course. But I had more practical needs. I needed to pay bills. I needed to eat. One day I hoped to own my own home… to start a family.
“I saw you with the pack. I saw the way you look at them. You were… you are… so strong, They aren’t even yours and I just know you’d die to protect them. I can’t even imagine what sort of father you’d be. The lengths you’d go to for your children. And then I ask myself can we even have kids? Are we different species? Is it even possible?” My voice cracked as I spoke. I’d never even talked about kids with Mitch, my ex-fiance, I knew he wasn’t crazy about the idea so I just kept my mouth shut for fear of scaring him off. I knew I wanted a family though. A big family. I wanted so many kids, I couldn’t keep track of them all. When I was growing up it had just been me and my Dad. Every birthday. Every Christmas. Every Thanksgiving. It had just been the two of us. I wanted more than that for my own family.
“And if we can, will they be like you or will they be like me? Could you live with that? No little wolf pup to grow up just like you and take over the pack when you’re too old to fight. Just a regular little snot nosed brat with a killer for a Daddy”
He stood in silence, unable to answer.
I felt sick. This morning this man had worshipped me like a goddess. But I couldn’t be happy with that. One day. It had taken me one day to screw things up. I’d thrown everything in his face as if I were hellbent on sabotaging my own happiness and he just stood there and took it in silence.
