Chapter Twelve
Carmela swooped into Meredith’s office. “Well, look who’s here.” Sarcasm seemed to be her natural state. She flung some pages at Meredith. “Your work looks good. These are the changes. I need them by tomorrow, noon.”
Meredith started scanning the list. Carmela had typed and bulleted her list. Anal retentive, Meredith thought. “Wait a minute.” (Carmela had turned to go.) “Some of these changes will be easy enough to make, but some are going to take some time.”
“I have to have them by noon. We’re about to submit our manuscript.”
Meredith was making check marks next to some of the changes. “These will be easy.” She switched to circles. “These will take longer. Why don’t you order the importance of those? I’ll get as many done as I can, but I can’t promise them all.”
Carmela studied the list doubtfully. “Well, this one is a must.”
“I know you want it to look perfect, but if the others are still going to make changes tomorrow, then it seems like a waste of time to fuss with things you might not keep.”
“True.” Meredith was surprised by her concession. Carmela ordered the tasks and handed Meredith back the list. “Thank you, Meredith.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Page me if you have questions. This is very important.”
“I will.”
“I’ve got to have it by noon.”
“You will.”
Ben appeared in her office at lunchtime. He had clinic downstairs all day. As Meredith looked up in surprise, Ben shut the door behind him.
“Hey? What’s up?”
He leaned against the closed door. “I’ve had an awful morning.” His face looked scrambled. “I need a hug.”
She rose instantly and embraced him, squeezing him around the ribs with all her might. They had a running theme on arm placement in hugs, both of them preferring the ribcage over the neck, even though men usually claimed that area. Because Ben needed the hugging, Meredith had staked out the ribs. After a few minutes, they switched and Ben scooped her up in his arms, lifting her slightly off the ground as he crunched her rib cage, though not with all his might. He buried his nose in her neck. It was a good minute before he released her. She slid down, feeling her toes touch the floor.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He looked at his watch. “No time, really. I just finished my last patient of the morning and my first afternoon slot is in five minutes.”
“Have you eaten?”
Ben shrugged. “I’ll grab a Coke.”
“Sit down, Mr. Healthy Doctor.” Meredith took her lunch out of her drawer. “You’re taking two minutes to eat my lunch.”
“But it’s yours.”
“Yes. And my job gives me an hour for lunch. So I’ll walk over to the cafeteria and eat.”
Ben took her peanut butter sandwich and ate.
“Busy morning.”
He nodded, taking a deep breath. “Pregnant mother, seven months along, showed up drunk. Stinking of alcohol. I had to hold my breath during the exam. Fourteen-year-old boy who sells himself on Central Avenue. He’s one of my regulars. He got bashed in the head last night by some John. Can’t hear out of his left ear anymore. He says.” Ben shook his head. “What a mess. Eye swollen shut. Blood still dried up in his hair. He wouldn’t go to the ER last night. Wanted to wait and see me because he likes me. Now his wound already looks infected. Too late for stitches. He’s going to have a scar. May have a concussion. Hearing screwed up. He should have gone to the ER. I had to walk him over there myself, or he probably would have just taken off.”
“What did they say?”
Ben shrugged. “They’ll sew him up. Send him to an audiologist. Then an otologist. They don’t know if the hearing loss is permanent.” He finished the sandwich. Meredith handed him a Granny Smith apple.
“A housewife came in. Three kids. Husband’s a lawyer. Her four-year-old had a high fever. The mom had bruises on her forearm. I asked her about them and she freaked. Grabbed her kid and took off. Burns, actually, is what they were. Looked like cigarette burns.”
Meredith grimaced. “What are you going to do?”
Ben shook his head. “I called child protective services.” He tossed the apple core into the wastepaper basket and put his head in his hands. “God. What a mess.”
Meredith put her hands over his and kissed the top of his head. What could she say, after all? It was a mess. There wasn’t much more to be done than muck through it and keep working.
Doug, pale, drawn, and cleanly-shaven, was back at his desk. Meredith had been so busy lately that she’d barely had time to talk to him since his return. She took a break and knocked on his door. Doug looked up from his computer screen.
“How are you doing?” she asked.
“Still grappling with even believing.” He said. He seemed calmer, now that Kevin was gone. “How are you? How are things here?”
“Overall, fine.” Meredith had practiced what she would say. “Corky is sort of taking up the bulk of my workload, but no one else seems to mind. I’m squeezing in some work for Carmela, too, but it’s small.”
“Good. I’m glad everything is running smoothly.”
Corky was in Santa Fe for a meeting all afternoon, so Meredith worked without any distractions. Between one and five, she accomplished more work than in the past two days combined. She finished all of Carmela’s changes, even the low priority ones. Kira popped her head in. “Busy?”
“No, I’m at a good stopping point. God, I feel great!” She cracked her neck. “I love the high I get from doing a good job.”
“Yes, you are nerdy that way.”
“How are you? I tried to call you this weekend. You were never home.” Meredith leaned back in her chair. Kira’s hair wasn’t freshly washed and she’d been wearing jeans a lot.
“I’m just fine. I’ve increased my hours at the florist, so I’m hardly ever home. But for the short time I am home, I’m cleaning like a madwoman.”
“Really?”
“This morning I was up at 5 a.m., using Jeremy’s toothbrush to scrub the tiles in the shower.”
Meredith smiled. “Why don’t you bring some of that over to my bathroom?”
Kira laughed. “You really wouldn’t want to be around me. I’m being rather maniacal.”
“Have you heard from Jeremy?”
“Oh yeah. We talk every day.” Kira paused. “I’m thinking of putting a stop to that. He misses me. Maybe if I cut him off it will motivate him to do more.”
“Maybe.”
“Am I being manipulative?”
“I don’t know. I’m no one to give relationship advice,” Meredith said.
“I want to fight for him. How do I fight?”
“Go to his apartment and tell him, ‘I’m not giving up on you.’”
“Hmmm. I’ll think about that.” Kira was silent for a minute. “Want to grab dinner?”
Meredith paused a split second. Ben would be waiting for her downstairs.
“As long as you don’t mind eating with Ben. He’ll be so happy to see you,” she added, despite her inner uncertainty on that score. He’d had such a bad day, she wasn’t sure if he was up for company.
They headed down to the residents’ room in the clinic. Meredith reached Ben about five paces ahead of Kira and whispered a quick apology for the added company.
“Nonsense,” objected Ben. He turned to Kira. “Well, all right! Another victim to test my marinade on!”
Ben barbecued chicken marinated in curry and lime. He uncorked a bottle of white wine and handed Kira the first glass.
For a split second, Meredith remembered the first night they’d seen him out. When Kira had been married and Ben single. Still married, Meredith added.
Ben seemed very content, whistling as he laid sticks of speared mushrooms, peppers, and tomatoes on the grill. The angst from lunch was gone. Or put away.
The weather was still cold, so Kira and Meredit
h sat inside at the kitchen table, drinking wine and letting Ben handle dinner. As he came inside to set the chicken on the table, he kissed the top of Meredith’s head. A thrill shot through her.
Ben refilled their glasses before sitting down. “So Kira, how have you been?”
Kira burst out into sudden, convulsive tears. Ben was at her side instantly with napkins and soothing words. Meredith just sat and watched, feeling vaguely left out: there was no room for a third person on the other side of the table. Watching him with Kira, Meredith could imagine how he interacted with his patients. And with me, she realized. He can get me to cry at the drop of a hat. He’s skilled at making people feel safe enough to be vulnerable around him. For some reason, this bothered her. I cry too much lately.
“Kira,” she said, from across the table. “Things may not be over with Jeremy. Sometimes separation gives people a chance to reassess their feelings for each other.”
Kira blew her nose loudly. “And meanwhile, we’re sliding backwards down the debt hole.”
“Sometimes you have to go backwards to move forward.” Ben suggested. “For now, why don’t you focus on the things you can control?”
Kira laughed through her tears. “There’s nothing controllable for me. Jeremy’s the one making all the decisions.”
“Not true,” Ben countered. “There are two extremely important things you can control. Eat right and get enough sleep.”
Kira looked at him in disbelief. Ben was undaunted. “Believe me, Kira. Those two things are essential.”
Kira seemed to listen. She nodded and took a bite of dinner.
“Good girl!” Ben praised her.
After dinner, they sat in the living room drinking wine.
“Have you ever heard of a guy,” Kira asked Ben, “whose wife or girlfriend wants sex more than he does?”
“It’s probably uncommon,” Ben agreed.
Kira took a sip of her wine. “Most men think about sex all the time.”
“You know that’s not true, Kira,” Ben countered.
“No. I don’t.” Kira was quiet a moment. “How often do you think about sex, Ben?”
Ben tapped his pocket to feel his pack of cigarettes. “How do you measure that?”
“Once an hour? Once a minute? More? Less?”
“More than once an hour, less than once a minute.”
“That much?” Meredith asked.
Ben looked at her and bowed his head in admission.
“Be grateful,” Kira told her. She turned back to Ben. “Now, tell me what you would do if all of that ended.”
“Well, if it was caused by stress, I would probably try to resolve the stressor.”
“There was nothing like that happening.”
“Didn’t you say that you guys are in debt? You’re working two jobs. Is Jeremy?”
“Working a lot of overtime.”
“That sort of stress can snowball.”
Kira was silent. Ben reached for his pack, as if he was going to smoke.
“Who wants coffee?” Meredith asked, and they all stood up and followed her to the kitchen.
Ben drove Kira home while Meredith stayed back and did the dishes. He came back as she was wiping down the kitchen table.
“Perfect timing,” he told her, opening the fridge and pouring himself a glass of milk. “No more dishes for me to do.”
“Like I’d even let you. Dinner was great.”
Ben sat down at the table with his milk. Meredith rinsed out the sponge and wiped the faucet. “You’re good with Kira,” she told him.
Ben shrugged. “Poor thing. She’s having a heck of a time of it.” He rinsed his empty milk glass in the sink and headed into the bathroom. Meredith could hear him brushing his teeth. She sat at the kitchen table, thinking.
“Do you know Mike Pedersen?” Ben asked, with his mouth full of toothpaste.
Meredith nodded absently, then made herself speak. “Yeah. Surgery? Big guy? Sort of goofy.”
“Not too goofy.” Ben came to the door of the bathroom. The hair around his face was wet from washing. “I was thinking of setting him up with Kira.”
“Kira’s married!”
“Separated.”
“But she can’t date.”
“Why not?”
“Because.” Meredith struggled for an answer. “She’s trying to make her marriage work.”
“Jeremy doesn’t sound like he wants a reconciliation.”
“Of course he will.”
Ben came fully out of the bathroom and sat down across from her. “It doesn’t sound like it; he wants her to date other men.”
“You’re giving up awfully fast!” She realized she was yelling and stopped.
Ben shrugged. “I just think she should cut her loses. She’s depressed and lonely. Dating a man might make her start to feel attractive again.”
Meredith was silent. She rose from the table and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Ben was already in bed when she came out, reading a medical text.
“Jeremy will be hurt if he finds out. He’ll think Kira’s giving up on him.”
“You don’t know what he’ll think.”
“I would think that I’d been given up on. Part of the power of a relationship is in the belief that you are bound to each other no matter what. That you’ll fight for each other. Or wait, if that’s what the other person needs.”
Ben put down his textbook. “Is that what you need from me? Because I'm not always sure of what you want in this relationship.”
A deep blush came over Meredith and she rolled over to set the alarm clock, keeping her back to Ben. “I was talking about Kira and Jeremy.”
“You were speaking about relationships.”
Meredith paused. The clock was set but she couldn’t turn back around.
“Here,” Ben said. “I’ll make it easier.” He flicked off the light. They were in complete darkness. “Does that help?” He reached for her and rolled her back over to face him. “Is that what you need from me? To wait for you?”
Despite the darkness, Meredith shut her eyes. “Yes,” she whispered. “I need you to give me more time.”
“I love you Meredith,” Ben said.
She tried to answer, but it wouldn’t come. It was like those words weren’t a part of her. The feelings weren’t a part of her. “And I would go to the ends of the earth to fight for you,” she began. “Or I would sit home on the weekends to wait for you.”
Ben chuckled in the dark. When Meredith opened her eyes, she could see dim outlines. Ben was looming over her, but his face was black. She didn’t know if the disappointment she sensed was real or manufactured by her own head. Ben kissed her forehead. “Goodnight,” he told her, and turned his back on her to go to sleep.
So the disappointment was real, Meredith concluded. She wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her cheek against his back. “I’m trying to tell you, in every other way I know,” she said.
“Why not just say it?”
“I can’t.” She locked her arms together around his chest. “I’ll sound phony and insincere.”
“No, you won’t.”
“I will.”
“Did you say it to Eric?”
She recoiled away from him, but he grabbed hold of her hands and held them to his ribs. “Did you?”
“Yes. And look at what a lie that was!”
“Who do you say it to now?”
“Who?”
“Who do you tell that you love them? Your mom? Dad? Girlfriends?”
Meredith thought about it. “No one. Not my girlfriends. I talk to my parents two times a year and we never say that.” The barrenness of her life struck her. She let go of Ben. “God, I’m such a loser. Why do you even bother with me?”
Ben rolled over to face her. “Because you are not a loser. You’re kind and funny and beautiful. And I love you. And I would go to the ends of the earth to fight for you. And I’ll sit at home on the weekends and wait for you.” He kissed her.
“As long as it takes.”
Chapter Thirteen
At the entrance to the cafeteria, Meredith paused. Some of the secretaries from her office were at a table under the window. She resolved to eat with them and headed across the crowded room holding her tray in front of her.
“Hey guys, how’s it going?” Her voice didn’t carry and hardly anyone looked up. She sat down. They were getting rowdy, shrieking and laughing over dirty jokes. Meredith wolfed down her lunch and left them in the middle of a discussion on the penis size of one of the doctors in their office.
It was pouring rain as she crossed the medical campus to return to work. She pulled her coat tightly around her, not bothering to button up. The wind blew the rain straight into her face. She clenched her jaw and thanked God she hadn’t worn mascara that day.
Back at her desk, Meredith was wiping her face on the tail of her shirt when Lou walked in.
“Oops. Sorry.” Meredith couldn’t believe she’d shown Lou her belly button.
“Meredith, I need to meet with you right now in my office.”
She couldn’t hide her look of irritation. So Corky was complaining again, and after Meredith had been on her best behavior, too. What a sissy, she thought as she followed behind Lou down the hall.
Lou’s open door revealed Doug and Carmela in his office, with no sign of Corky. Carmela looked serious in a self-aware sort of way and Doug looked horribly tired.
Meredith paused at the door. Something told her not to take another step, but then Lou said, “Come in,” and she let the room swallow her up.
Lou was playing hostess. “Have a seat, Meredith.”
The four sat in silence. It appeared to be Doug’s cue, but he was immobile. Finally, he jarred himself into action. He turned his gaze onto his computer programmer. “I have to ask you a question, Meredith. It’s a personal question, but I have to ask it. Are you involved with Ben Abel?”
What the hell? Meredith was mystified. She erred on the side of caution, though. “We’re friends,” she began, then decided that would be a good place to end and stopped talking.
Searching For Meredith Love Page 18
