by Leigh Bale
The scowl remained firmly on Reuben’s face, but his eyes filled with uncertainty. Jakob could tell the boy wanted to agree, but something held him back. A deep loyalty to his mother’s memory. Jakob didn’t want to force Reuben to comply. That would only lead to resentment and hate. The Savior always remained calm. He showed respect and taught truth, letting people decide for themselves if they would follow Him. Jakob would rather win his son’s compliance through gentle persuasion and a genuine desire to do what was right.
“Think about it,” Jakob said. “The Lord taught us to be fair and just. To be kind and loving. I know you will come to the right decision.”
He returned to his work, leaving Reuben to consider his words. And that’s when a thought occurred to Jakob. He was such a hypocrite. He told his son that it was okay to like Abby. That she couldn’t take his mother’s place. And yet, Jakob couldn’t seem to accept his own advice. He’d been kind to Abby, but he didn’t want to get close to her. Because doing so made him feel disloyal to Susan. But recognizing this flaw didn’t make it any easier for Jakob to change how he felt. He couldn’t love more than one woman. He just couldn’t.
He thought about Abby leaving one day, and an immediate melancholy gripped his heart. She’d come to his familye at the worst possible time in their lives, after they’d lost two key members of their familye. In spite of that, his children seemed happier with her here. Regardless of his stubborn insistence not to like her, even Reuben was calmer. Their farm was prospering during a time when his injury could have forced them to sell their land. With Abby’s help, Naomi didn’t look as exhausted all the time. And because he didn’t have to do the heavy work, Dawdi Zeke’s back pain had finally eased. Jakob knew they had Abby to thank. She had done the work of two. They would definitely all feel the loss if and when she finally left.
Chapter Twelve
The following week, Abby was outside taking clothes off the line when the rattle of a horse and buggy caused her to turn. Lizzie Beiler waved, the strings of her white kapp blowing in the wind.
“Guder daag,” Lizzie called.
“Guder mariye,” Abby returned, surprised to see her friend all the way out here.
Abby dropped a clean bath towel she had just folded into the laundry basket and walked out to meet Lizzie. She glanced up, noticing a cluster of gray storm clouds congregated just overhead. They might open up and rain by afternoon, but she’d have the laundry gathered in before then.
“What brings you all the way out to our farm?” Abby asked in a pleasant tone once Lizzie had stepped out of the buggy.
“I wanted to visit, so I brought you an apple cake.” Lizzie reached inside the buggy and lifted out a basket covered with a clean white cloth.
“Ach, that’s kind of you.”
“Has Jakob recovered from his injury?” Lizzie asked.
“Almost. He’s doing fine now. Come inside and I’ll make you a cup of herbal tea.”
Abby linked her arm with Lizzie’s as they walked toward the house. A light breeze brushed past them, causing several leaves to scatter across the front yard.
“I also must confess I wanted to see how you are doing.” Lizzie cast her a sideways glance.
“I’m fine, all things considered,” Abby said.
“Any good news to report between you and Jakob?” Lizzie spoke low.
Abby didn’t pretend not to understand. “Ne, there will be no wedding for Jakob and me, if that’s what you mean.”
Lizzie shrugged. “I won’t give up hope yet. You two are ideal for each other.”
Abby hid an inward sigh. “I’m afraid he is still mourning his wife, and I can’t fault him for that. But honestly, I’ve been too busy to think much about it.”
Which was partly true. The thought that she would never marry was rarely far from her mind, but she couldn’t do anything about it, so she pushed it aside.
“And what about you? Have you heard from Eli yet?”
Lizzie shook her head. “Ne, and I don’t expect to. He’s been gone so long, I’m sure he’s forgotten about me and moved on with his life.”
Abby felt disheartened by this news. Both she and Lizzie had loved men who didn’t want them. It was a sad state of affairs.
They stepped inside, where they were greeted warmly by Naomi. Soon, they were all gathered around the kitchen table, laughing and enjoying cups of peppermint tea and slices of Lizzie’s apple cake. They saved a slice for Reuben and the two men, who were out in the barn mending the leather harness. With little Ruby listening in, Abby was grateful they could talk only about general topics. She feared if Lizzie pressed her much more, she might burst into tears and confide all her fears and broken dreams to the woman. Although it felt good to have a friend who cared about her, she was kind of relieved when Lizzie left a half hour later.
As Abby walked Lizzie outside to her buggy, she didn’t mind when the other woman squeezed her hand. “If you need to talk, I’m always willing to listen. Take care of yourself.”
“Danke, I will. And you, too. Mach’s gut.” Abby tried to smile, but inside she started trembling. She didn’t understand why thinking about Jakob and her dashed plans of having a familye of her own should bother her so much, but it did.
Resolved to exercise more faith in Gott, she waved as Lizzie drove away. Then she picked up the wicker basket filled with clean clothes and carried it upstairs to the children’s room. After setting it on the floor, she slid open Reuben’s top dresser drawer. She stared at the melee of clothing strewn around inside. What a mess! It looked like an eggbeater had been in here.
Shaking her head, she started folding each item into tidy piles. She laughed to herself, thinking that kids could be so chaotic. She’d spent a large part of the morning mending the familye’s garments and wanted to get everything put away before Reuben caught her in his room. If he knew she’d darned his socks and mended his torn shirt, she feared he might refuse to wear them.
Bending at the waist, she lifted the repaired clothing and tucked it into the drawer. To make more room, she pushed the other clothing aside...then paused. A flash of white caught her eye. She reached to the farthest back corner of the drawer, and a pile of papers wrapped with a rubber band crackled as she pulled it forward.
Her notes! The uplifting messages she’d written and put in Reuben’s lunch over the past weeks since she’d arrived. But what were they doing here?
She gaped in confusion, remembering all the times he’d denied receiving them. Even the note he’d thrown on the ground the day she’d confided in Jakob was here, spread carefully as if to remove the wrinkles from when he’d crumpled the paper in his fist. The wind hadn’t blown it away after all. Reuben must have picked it up and kept it. Which meant that throwing it on the ground was all for show. But why? He’d made it clear that he disliked her. That he wanted nothing to do with her. So, why had he kept her notes?
“What are you doing in my stuff?”
She whirled around and found Reuben standing in the doorway. Dressed in his plain trousers, shirt and suspenders, he looked like a smaller replica of his father. His gaze took in the open drawer and the slips of paper she still clutched in one hand. And like a giant storm cloud moving across the sky, his face darkened.
“Those are mine. You have no right to go through my things!” he yelled, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment and anger.
Before she could explain, he rushed at her, knocking her backward. She cried out, her hands clawing at something, anything, to stop her fall. In the process, she dropped the papers. They rustled to the floor as she bounced against Ruby’s bed. Reuben gathered the notes up and tucked them inside his waistband before leaning over her. Abby’s natural instincts kicked in, and she lifted her arms to protect herself.
“What are you doing in my drawer? You’re not my mudder,” the boy yelled.
He didn’t strike her, and she
lowered her arms. He stood in front of the dresser, stuffing the clothes back inside with stiff, furious movements. He released a low sob, and that’s when she realized he was crying. The notes had obviously meant more to him than he’d let on. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have kept them. But he didn’t want to admit it.
Because she wasn’t his mother.
She stood and walked to him, moving nice and slow. In the past, her inclination whenever she faced physical conflict was to run from the room and find a safe place to hide until it blew over. But now, she forced herself to be brave. To put this motherless boy’s needs before her own.
“Reuben, I didn’t mean any harm.” She spoke in a soothing tone. “I just found the notes when I was putting your mended clothing away. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
He slammed the drawer closed, then brushed at his eyes. “You don’t belong here. Why don’t you leave?”
Ah, that hurt, like a knife to her heart.
“I can’t,” she said.
Finally, he faced her, his eyes red with resentment and tears. “Why not? Why do you have to stay here?”
“Because I have nowhere else to go.” She said the words simply, making no apology.
His little jaw quivered, his face filled with misery. “Why can’t you go back to Ohio?”
She looked away, not wanting to explain. “There’s nothing there for me anymore.”
He sniffled again. “But they’re your familye. We’re not.”
“I know, but you’ve been wundervoll friends. Why did you keep the notes I put in your lunches?”
He hesitated. “Be...because I liked them. They made me feel gut.”
He hiccupped and hid his face behind his hands, as if the admission was shameful to him.
“Then why did you say you never saw them?” She spoke gently, trying not to frighten or anger him. Determined to get at the crux of the problem.
“Because you’re not my mamm, and I don’t want her to think I don’t love her anymore.”
Finally. Finally, they were getting somewhere.
“Reuben, I don’t want to take your mudder’s place. I know how special she was to you. But I doubt she would ever think that you don’t love her just because you were friends with me. And I wish I could bring her back to you. But I can’t.”
He leaned against the top of the dresser and buried his face against his arms. His shoulders trembled and he made little gasping sounds, telling her that he was crying again. Her heart went out to him. He’d lost so much, and she longed to ease his pain.
She stepped closer and rested a hand lightly against his back, fully expecting him to thrust her away. But he didn’t. Not this time.
“Reuben, your mudder will always be a part of you, no matter what. You can take joy in that. You’ll meet many people throughout your life, but no one can ever take her place. Not me, not anyone.”
He lifted his head and blinked at her, a large tear rolling down his cheek. “Do you...do you mean that?”
“I do. I don’t want you to forget your mudder. Even though she died, I certainly haven’t forgotten mine. I just want to work and live here for the time being. I just want to be your friend.”
“Friends?” he reiterated, wiping his nose on his sleeve.
She nodded. “Ja, I’d like that very much.”
“Would I have to stop loving Mamm just because I decide to like you?” He peered at her with a bit of distrust.
She realized he must be struggling with guilt. That he believed it would be disloyal to his mother if he accepted her. Maybe Jakob was struggling with the same problem.
“Absolutely not. Liking me has nothing to do with loving your mudder. We’re two separate individuals. And the amazing thing about love is that it’s infinite.”
“Infinite? What does that mean?” he asked.
“It means immeasurable. Boundless. You see, love can grow and expand within our hearts and never run out. Think about how our Heavenly Vadder loves all of His children. That’s a lot of people to love, isn’t it? But Gott’s love never ends. It just keeps growing and encompasses everyone. And just like Him, we can love more than one person. But loving someone else doesn’t mean that you have to stop loving your mamm. It doesn’t change the relationship you had with her. Not ever. That’s why love is so amazing and beautiful.”
The boy gave a slight shudder, his forehead creased in thought. And then he threw himself against her, his tearstained face pressed against her abdomen as he hugged her tight.
“I’m sorry, Abby. I like you. I do. I want to be friends. But my mamm...” His desperate words were muffled against her apron.
She held him close, brushing a hand through his tousled hair. Her heart melted, a full, powerful sensation filling her chest. “There, it’s all right now. We are gut friends. I like you, too.”
In fact, she loved this boy, but didn’t dare say so. Not right now, when their relationship was so fledgling. Perhaps in time.
He drew back and brushed at his face again. He gave her a wan smile. “I’m sorry for putting cracker crumbs in your bed.”
She arched one eyebrow. “And filling my shoes with dirt?”
“Ja, I’m sorry for that, too.”
She laughed, reaching out to playfully buffet his shoulder with the palm of her hand. He laughed, too.
“I know. I forgive you. But I’m glad we can laugh about it now,” she said.
“It wasn’t very nice of me. I can’t believe you didn’t tell Daed what I did.”
“What good would it have done to get you into trouble with your vadder? I knew you were just feeling threatened and that you missed your mudder more than you could stand.”
“Ja, I miss her every day. But I won’t do anything like that to you ever again. I promise,” he said.
“Gut. I’m so glad. I always knew you were a kindhearted boy.”
“You did? But I’ve been so mean to you. How did you know?”
“Only a tenderhearted person could love his mudder the way you do. I’m sorry I made you worry.”
He shrugged. “You’re just looking for a home of your own. I’m sorry I wasn’t more welcoming. You’re our guest and I should have been kind.”
She smiled to show him that all was forgiven. They looked at each other for a moment, and she breathed an inward sigh of relief, so happy to be rid of the animosity between them.
“Ach, I’d better get downstairs. Naomi is probably needing my help with the baking,” Abby said.
She picked up her basket, giving him one last smile of reassurance. He grinned back, showing a tooth missing in front.
As she headed toward the door, she heard a scuffling sound on the landing. She reached the threshold just as the door to Naomi’s room was closing, which seemed odd. Abby thought the woman was downstairs in the kitchen, baking bread. Maybe Naomi had come upstairs for something.
Thinking nothing of it, Abby hurried on her way, feeling suddenly light of heart. She was so grateful that she and Reuben had finally become friends. That they had agreed upon a truce and he could finally accept her. If only Jakob could do the same, she’d be a happy woman indeed.
* * *
Jakob stood inside his mother’s room and leaned against the closed door. Whew! That was a close call. Abby had almost caught him eavesdropping on the landing. He’d been downstairs when he heard Reuben yelling and had come up to see what the trouble was. When he’d arrived, he’d heard his son crying and then the boy’s apology for being so mean to Abby. The boy had mentioned something about putting cracker crumbs between her sheets and dirt in her shoes. Jakob was mortified at the extent of his son’s hostility. But why hadn’t Abby told him about it? Why had she suffered in silence? She’d told Reuben that she didn’t want to get him into trouble. But what about Abby? Jakob felt horrible that his son had done such things to her, yet her patien
ce and kindness was inspiring.
Instead of criticizing the boy, she’d offered soft words of forgiveness and reassurance. In spite of her upbringing, she’d shown compassion when she could have been cruel. She could have let Reuben squirm for a while and think about his hostile actions. But Jakob had learned that Abby wasn’t that way. She was quick to forgive, her bright blue eyes shining with empathy. Quick to offer solace for an aching heart. Her charity toward his familye impressed him. In fact, he’d never met anyone like her. Not even Susan had been so forgiving. And once again, Jakob was grateful for her gentle kindness toward his familye.
According to the book of I Corinthians, charity suffered long, was kind and envied not. It was not puffed up with pride, anger or vengeance. Because charity was the pure love of Christ, it took love to a higher level. A level that transcended earthly life and became eternal. It saw beyond the moment and rose to the level of the Savior. Yes, charitable described Abby perfectly.
Opening the door to his mother’s room, Jakob peeked out to find that he was alone. Stepping onto the landing, he closed the door silently behind him, then hurried down the stairs. Avoiding the kitchen and the women he thought were working there, he crossed through the living room and walked outside onto the front porch.
Love is infinite.
Abby’s words filtered through his mind. She’d told Reuben that loving someone else didn’t mean he had to stop loving his mamm. In his heart of hearts, Jakob knew what Abby said was true. Yet, it still confused him. He had loved Susan so much that he thought he never could love someone else.
Correction. He still loved Susan with all his might, mind and strength. But now, he had to reevaluate his feelings. If he believed the scriptures and what Abby said, he should be able to keep loving Susan and still be able to love another with the same deep sincerity he’d felt for his wife. But how could that be? How could he give his heart to someone else when he was still so in love with Susan? Maybe he didn’t have to stop loving his wife in order to love and find happiness with another woman. It was something to think about.
