Barbarians, the lot.
“I still don’t understand,” Evie sighs. “You met him when you were sixteen and fell into a mondo, panty-scorching crush with him, and he…?”
“Treated me like a five-year-old when he wasn’t outright ignoring me. Just so. The year I turned eighteen, though, I decided that just wouldn’t do, so I kind of just decided to say screw it and go for it.”
Crickets chirp, as three pairs of eyes focus on me and I feel my cheeks try to heat under that microscope. I have two settings, no three. One is my human persona, the normal me who feels embarrassment and empathizes with other people—that one was a hard one to cultivate, let me tell ya.
The second is the me I don’t have to try much with. She’s the logical, fact-based woman who knows that sex and attraction is a biological result of chemical reactions that make a person feel a certain way.
The third is the rage-filled maniac who could be a serial killer if I let her.
I’m currently comfortable enough in my own skin, despite Lenny’s appalling housekeeping skills, to just be me. Most people hate this part of me, and I’ve had to shove her to the background and adapt social mores that make me feel like I’ve stepped onto a landmine and could lose a limb with the first wrong shift.
Lenny, Cleo, and Evie though, they seem to find the real me with all the no-blushing, straightforward talk refreshing. Or amusing, I haven’t sussed them yet. All I know is that I’ve been quite content not to pretend to be normal since I walked in.
And it feels great. Lenny’s a nut herself and has no qualms talking about genitals or bodily functions at all, but then again, she’s a doctor, what more can one expect?
Cleo is shy and yet so freaking confident. She’s a conundrum I’d like to figure out in the worst way. And Evie, she’s a freaking peach. Seems that since she married Blaze Peters, she’s become something of a potty-mouth and everyone just adores her.
Me too.
What do we all have in common? Not a single one of us cares what anyone else thinks, and it’s so damn refreshing to just relax and shed my persona that I don’t even bat an eyelash when Lenny threatens to scalp me if I clean the house and set a standard she doesn’t want to uphold.
Poor Storm, the man’s wife is an absolute, unabashedly lazy housekeeper. I just adore the novelty of her attitude, especially when she told me Storm once tried to clean, and she told him she’d drug his ass and he’d wake up tied to a tree with wild animals circling his ass because she coated him with meat juices.
“Okay. So you two had some little crush on each other but were like star-crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliette or something and—?”
“Nope. You want the breakdown of that travesty? Once, a long, long time ago—”
“Oh, you! Stop funning us and just spill it already, you cagey whore!” Cleo yells, tossing a cookie my way.
I grimace and snatch it up, disposing of the thing before cleaning up her mess and seating myself again, lest Lenny actually does attack me since she’s glaring so hard with every swipe of the cloth.
“We knew each other because he and Lex were inseparable. He was over at our house a lot, so it was kind of inevitable and freaking sad—really—how I fell into the cliché and just idolized the man. He ignored me though, like a freaking plague-carrying hooker, and by the time I went away to college, it was basically just me crying into my pillow with unrequited love,” I say matter of factly, watching them all cringe.
“Please Jesus, tell me there’s a good part to this story because that is just freaking sad,” Lenny mutters, attacking her cinnamon bun like a wildebeest.
“Like a happy ending?”
“Something. I mean shit, girl, that is like the classic tragic story or something. Girl sees man, falls for him, and pines herself to death while he fucks anything with nether lips.”
Even I snort at Cleo’s irreverent giggle and shake my head with an eye roll.
“Nether lips? I like that one. I usually go for tits and pubes, but that one’s doable,” I say with a snort, picking the raisins out of my bun with a shudder.
Lenny swoops them up and chews with her mouth open as she eyes me, daring me to shudder at the fact that she’s eating my leftovers.
New leaf!
“Spill it, evader. I can see the gears grinding away inside that cyborg brain of yours, trying to change the subject, but you should know it’s not doable since we’re all dying to know how King kept his dick in his pants with a fox like you walking around.”
Darn it.
“Okay, well, I went away to college early—”
“Yeah, yeah, genius-in-the-house, we all know and don’t care a bit. Talk, borg!”
“I was in my second year when they came home for a full summer, one of the very few times my parents didn’t just pick up and go on vacation. I was thrilled, you know? I mean, I just came into some boobs, and I’d had this friend who loved to talk about sex, so I was savvy to it.”
They all snort and start cackling.
“You? No offense, girl, but from just ten minutes of talking, I’d bet your idea of ‘savvy’ to sex is knowing where each part goes.”
“Not nice, Len, not nice. I have had sex you know!”
“Decent sex?”
Lie.
“Sure.”
“Clit thumping, I just wet the sheets in the best way kind of sex?”
Lie again.
“Uh huh.”
“We’re talking when the guy whips out his dick that’s so big you have to hold in a scream because you’re so hot for it you’re willing to risk a tearing kind of sex?” Evie asks softly, making us all bust out laughing when she blushes and gets this far-off look in her eyes.
Okay, that one I can’t lie about. I mean, Jon was built, and he was attractive and all, but just about the only tingle I got when we were in bed was when he let off a silent one and I endeavored not to let on that I smelled dead carcass under the sheets.
“Er, that would be a no, Evie, but damn sister, Blaze…?”
“Is hung like a moose and loaded for mutant bear,” she says smugly, her grin making me grin even wider.
“Okay. So, definitely no,” I admit.
“Huh, well, see, that does not spell savvy to me. But that’s for later. Tell us about that summer.”
“Um, I was home. I mean, I had my summer all planned and stuff, but for once I canceled everything because there was no way I was missing out on seeing Lex and King for more than a week. That was like…Nirvana to me. I was convinced with the new boobs and piercing that he’d finally notice me, but alas, he had a relationship at the time. I mean…unfair, right?”
They all share a look, and even I scrunch my face, thinking about eighteen-year-old Kinsley with so much desperation that I completely ignored the moral compass Mama shoved up my butt.
“Okay…”
“Stop judging me, Cleo. It wasn’t a good time for me, okay? I was desperate and lonely and, well, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life a virgin! So I went for it, okay? I decided that if I was going to live in hell, I may as well just make a play for it and, man, it was not what I expected,” I admit, my cheeks heating a little.
I may be logical me right now, but even this one feels shame and it’s not a good color on me.
“Elaborate, please.”
“Well, it was coming up on the two-month mark by this time, and I was not making a lick of progress with the flirting. I mean, shit, the man was immune to my every charm.”
They huff. I suspect they’re all laughing at my disgust, and Evie peeks up at me through her thick lashes.
“Flirting?”
“Uh huh. Just like Helly said. I made myself sexually available and kept eye contact on, if not with, him at all times. I didn’t flinch about it at all. That works, right? I mean Helly used to just look at guys and they knew.”
“Ahem. Describe Helly.”
“Tall, blonde, huge knockers, and a penchant for red lipstick. One time I was helping
her run track, sort of training her, and she just about took out one of my eyes with those things. And do not get me started on her fashion sense. Her mama had really bad taste. Who knew running shorts came in leopard print?”
Laughter erupts around me, and I pat Lenny on the back when she starts choking on her third cinnamon bun.
“Honey, I hate to break it to you and all, but Helly’s flirting had nothing to do with her eye contact and everything to do with her clothes and rep. She must have been a real slut.”
“Oh no! That’s not true at all. She was a virgin when she got together with Joseph our last year and they got engaged. She used to tell me all the time that she was going to be a Corvette on her wedding night and not a Volkswagen.”
More laughter, and then Lenny pats my hand.
“Honey, she was a member of the red ring brigade, you know, a girl who liked to…”
“Give head? I know that. I’m not a moron. But she was also really good at the whole seduction thing. That’s why I chose her to teach me how to flirt with King.”
“Babe, she probably didn’t have to flirt a day in her life with those tits and her mama’s fashion choices. Most women, well, like us at least, do not get our flirt on that easy. Once, when I was like just out of med school, I spent two hours flirting with this hot guy and by the time I was done, I had to basically tell him the cooch was open for parking because he just did not get it. Men are basic, Kinsley. Flirting only works if they’re thinking with something thing other than their dicks, and even then, you have to paint a freaking road sign to show them where you’re going. I love Storm, but that man is the same. He’s basic.”
Huh? This is news, new data that needs eyeballing, I think as I sip at my coffee and chew my lip.
“So, you’re saying I could have batted my lashes at him and sat in his lap…”
“And he’d have gotten a boner but still retreated because he just wouldn’t have understood.”
“Hmm, that explains his face when I took my clothes off,” I muse.
Choked giggles pull me back into the present, and I look back at three laughing hyenas.
“What?”
“You took your clothes off?”
“Not at first. I mean, I’m not a porn star, people. I tried the flirting and lip licking, but when that didn’t work, I moved on to plan B. I kissed him. He did not respond well to that, let me tell you, so I got a little desperate and took it all off. That worked.”
“No shit,” Evie roars, laughing so hard she almost toppled to the floor. “What happened? And this better be the hot sex part, or you’re banned from the club.”
“Er, he kissed me back that time. Oh, and we sort of gave each other hand jobs. Is that accurate to say for girls, too? Yeah, uh, we had a moment of mutual pleasure that I was like so certain he’d progress from, but then, well, things went downhill fast. It was as if he started thinking again after he blew, ya know?” I huff matter of factly, twisting my lips.
Damn man.
“Oh yeah, we know. I once watched this comedy show where this comedian said that men walk around with a chemically-induced mind block until they blow a load. According to him, the five glorious minutes after sex is the only time that guys are focused enough to actually use their brains.” Cleo laughs.
That gets a snort from even me, and I shake my head.
“He pulled away so fast you’d have sworn he just discovered a penis or something. Shit, I was shell-shocked myself since it was my first orgasm, but did you see me freaking out like a girl?”
“Probably not,” Evie crows. “You were probably laying there analyzing data to dissect exactly what happened.”
“I was not! I was moving onto the next phase! Or trying to, at least, before he started having a fit and told me to scram.”
“Ooh burn,” Lenny says, cringing for me.
“Burn is correct, my friend. I was ashes by the time I got myself out of there and into my room. Talk about rejection on an atomic scale. The worst part? He was still there the next day, pretending it never happened. I was so hurt that I swear it was either throw myself at him and beg him to explain, or leave.”
“Mistake.”
“Cleo, this is not funny.”
“Hell yeah, it is! I’d give my left nut to have seen King’s face, sister. The man is an ice cube usually, but I bet he was walking on freaking eggshells—”
“Wrong! He made this big production of talking to Lex about taking his relationship with some Brenda whore to the next level. Eggshells my ass.”
Silence.
“Er, awkward?”
“Of the ‘I just found out I married my brother variety,’” I say stoically.
“So, you left.”
“Ran.”
“And…?”
“And I moved on from my failed attempt at love and happily ever after.”
Another shared look, this one not at all to my liking when they all shake their heads and zero in on me.
“Okay, but you were engaged?”
“Uh huh. To Jon. He was a good bet. He filled all the requirements I was looking for. He was graduating before I was and on his way to a successful career in law. His family is still intact, which suggested that he’d not be prone to divorce, and he has good genes, which would have produced attractive, healthy children.”
“Oh man, there’s that weird borg brain Lex warned us about. Honey, ya know that doesn’t mean a guy is a good bet, right?” Evie asks.
“Well, I do now. I understand that, so stop staring at me as if I’m a freak. It’s been made abundantly clear to me that he was a mistake, but at the time, well, I was just looking for a way to…”
“Pretend,” Lenny concludes sadly. “I so get that, trust me.”
“I do, or I would never have told you all this. I never even told Mama.”
Because she’d have cut King’s nuts off with her acrylic manicure and buried Jon in a shallow grave just to get rid of him, I think mirthlessly.
“Wow. That is some sad shit, honey. I mean even Blaze wasn’t this much of a dick, and that man was a real asshole before he reformed,” Evie mutters, making the others laugh.
I’ve heard this story and almost swooned with jealousy when I heard about Blaze serenading his love. The shoot-out directly afterward, I could have done without, but man oh man, even I can see that theirs is a story worthy of telling their grandkids one day.
So romantic.
“Amen to that, sister. So, you and King?”
“Have come to a mutual understanding that we will engage in sexual activity. At least while I’m still here.” I grimace, rolling my eyes. “He started spouting off about how if he had to buy the cow, he could at least drink the milk.”
They laugh at that, even I do, because as crass as it sounded at the time even I can find the humor in that statement. Of course, I take exception to being referred to as a piece of livestock, but…
A deal’s a deal.
Once he cleans his apartment so I don’t contract a flesh-eating disease.
“Shit. This is not gonna be easy, is it?”
I turn to look up as Lenny mutters that and see the others square their shoulders and focus on me.
“You give head before?”
“Eww.”
Eye rolls all around.
“Had a guy go pearl diving?”
“No, I don’t…is this one of those sexual-innuendo-type statements?” I ask in confusion.
Eye rolls again, only this time all three of them are laughing their asses off, which I do not appreciate.
“She’s asking if you’ve ever had your guy eating the beef? Tonguing the tuna? Whamming the clam?”
“Oral sex?”
Nods and grins all around.
“Gross.”
“God help me, we have a virgin.”
Chapter Eight
King
The apartment is finally clean, hours later as Ronny comes prancing down the stairs and holds her hand out to me for payment, h
er hard-eyed stare making me feel like hell as I hand over four hundred dollars.
What? You think I was cleaning that bomb blast? Think again. The minute I realized that I was in way over my head and the guys were ready to bolt and leave me there with the cleaning Nazi, I had to rethink things and come up with a plan.
I hustled Kinsley to Lenny’s faster than she could bark orders about disinfecting sheets and got Ronny over here, despite her unacceptable rates, and set her to work on my place.
“Oh no, Mister man, this sure is not gonna cut it after I went into that nuclear wasteland without a hazmat suit.”
“Ron, be reasonable—”
“Reasonable? That would have been doable if I’d walked into that hovel with a clear picture of what I was getting into, King. You had a used condom hanging off the end of your mattress.”
“Not used! Christ, woman, I am not a pig! It was the one I used to test durability on my football.”
Lex chokes on his beer and nods at her, thank God, because if not, she’d be all over town telling people I’m a slob.
“That’s true. We watched this documentary about the strength of latex and he tested it. I still don’t get how that thing went over a ball without splitting but get a dick in it and they fail.”
Me either.
Ronny just purses her lips and shoves her hand at me, tapping her foot impatiently.
“Pay up, sucker. You don’t want me telling your girlfriend what an animal you are. I want a performance bonus. I washed your bedding too, and even put her stuff in drawers, so you freaking owe me. Oh, and just for future reference, your oven is not a garbage can, shit head. It’s a fire hazard.”
I pay, if only to get her away from me with her killing looks, and grab my beer to go upstairs and inspect the place. I hate it the minute I walk in and feel that tight sensation shiver up my back.
Everything is sparkling and in place with not a can or shirt in sight. I freaking hate it, I think, as Lex whistles beneath his breath and grins, crowing over the state of this place.
“Damn son, you are definitely getting laid tonight.”
“That doesn’t bother you at all?” I ask, falling onto the couch with an unhappy sigh.
“Nah, man. Look. Kins. She’s my baby sister and everything, but that girl is not normal, and I have to consider that. As well as the fact that I’d rather have her riding you than that lame horse she was with. Besides, man, you two are in love.” He laughs, making me grimace and narrow my eyes.
THE WATCHERS: 6 Military Romance Bundle Page 51
