My eyebrows rose at that and I turned to fully face her. “Three?”
“Yes. Three things. Your name is Kier, you’re extremely quiet, and you are the biggest puzzle I’ve ever tried to figure out.”
“I’m the puzzle?”
“Yes!” she said in exasperation.
That had to have been the most backward statement I’d ever heard. “And why am I a puzzle?”
“Because of what I just told you. I don’t know you, you don’t even talk to anyone, and I feel safe when you’re near me! Why is that? I feel like I’m going crazy because all I’ve been able to think about for these past two weeks is you, and how every time you open your mouth it’s like déjà vu, and I just—I don’t know what’s happening.” Her green eyes were massive and she looked like she was on the edge of losing her shit.
I took a few steps toward her and lowered my voice. “Calm down, Indy. You’re fine.”
“I just don’t understand,” she said loudly, the pitch of her voice rising. “Do you believe in past lives?” she asked suddenly.
I paused, a laugh slipping past my lips. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Past lives? Like that whole stupid YOLO saying is really just bullshit, because we’re about to get another shot down the road?”
I tried to contain my smile, but she was really fucking adorable when she was like this. “What does that have to do with what you’re freaking out over?”
“In stories with soul mates they find each other no matter what in every life. And it’s like they have a weird connection they can’t explain.”
I closed the distance between us and dropped my head so I was looking directly into her eyes. “Are you saying we’re soul mates?”
“No!” she said, horror lacing her voice, her cheeks filling with heat.
“I think you were,” I teased.
“I wasn’t, I was just saying that in stories . . . I don’t know what I’m saying, okay? But I don’t get what’s going on with us!”
“So now there’s an us?”
“Oh my God,” she whispered. “I need to stop talking.”
I laughed and took a step back. “I’m teasing you, Indy. And no, I don’t believe in past lives. I think we have this one, and that’s it.”
She sighed, and her body visibly relaxed. When she spoke again, she sounded exhausted—and in a way, defeated. “I don’t, either, but I can’t figure out how to explain this feeling like I know you.”
I ground my jaw for a few seconds as her green eyes held mine. “Because maybe you do know me. You’re just not ready to remember why.”
Her mouth popped open and an audible huff blew past her lips. “What does that even mean?”
“You’ll understand when you think you’re ready, Indy. That’s all you need to know for now.”
Before I could say anything else, and before she could ask more questions, I got into my SUV and drove away.
• • •
Indy
I climbed the stairs up to the attic the next afternoon, enjoying and hating this time alone. I wasn’t leaving for break, but I’d been skipping my classes anyway. I wanted to be alone, needed to be alone. But being alone was also a dangerous thing for me—especially when Thanksgiving was two days away.
It didn’t matter that it was the wrong day. It didn’t matter that I’d already broken down on Saturday—the actual two-year anniversary—and that for the first time in the last two years I’d chosen to forget him rather than grieve for him. It was just that it was that damn day.
It just had to be on a holiday. One that was widely celebrated and changed dates every year—almost as if to torture us that much more. Like, hey—you have two anniversaries for this fucked-up day. Not just one. Congratulations, you. But, at the same time, I feared the year that Thanksgiving fell on the twenty-second again. I would view that day like a bad omen. Only bad would come on that day; I was sure of it.
As I climbed onto the dozens of multisized and colored pillows and blankets that covered the entire floor of our attic, I fought with the knowledge that I needed to be around people. That I should go to a Starbucks at the very least.
Both Chloe and Courtney worked so much that they weren’t going home this break—and I doubted they would go home over winter break. But even though they were still at the house, they weren’t ever here. And with Misha gone, the last couple of days had been practically impossible to get through.
Urges that felt more like repulsive cravings coursed through my body, and my hands impulsively curled into fists as the muscles in my thighs tightened in anticipation for something that wouldn’t come. A soul-deep ache and longing filled my chest, echoed by a much smaller ache to have Dean here, helping me through this. This was the first time I was facing the anniversary alone, and a part of me was terrified I didn’t know how to get through it by myself.
No wonder Dean had cheated and left me. Mess was a nice way of describing my life and me.
I rolled onto my side and curled my knees up to my chest as I tried to hold myself together. I fought with myself to stay here—to not run to someone to make them fix everything. To fix me. Chanting to myself over and over that I just needed to keep breathing through the pain, through the urges, through the grief.
I loved this attic. I loved how quiet and comfortable it was. And now, when all I wanted to do was panic over being alone, I told myself this was what I needed. Quiet. Alone. Peace. No one could fix what had happened. No one could fix me. I needed to do this by myself.
I’d finally been able to stop my damaging form of grief, and hadn’t realized that I’d just replaced it with Dean until we were over. The pride of stopping hadn’t lasted long when I’d started drowning out memories of Dean with drinking.
One form of fucked-up coping to another.
One helping me feel like I could take some of his pain away.
The other making me forget that everyone had given up on me.
But not once in the last two years had I tried to forget him. Not once until this past Saturday . . . and I hated that I’d spit on his memory that way. Two years without him—and instead of drinking to forget about Dean and my parents like I had been doing, I drank to forget my own twin brother.
I was a mess. I was drowning. I felt so fucking lost and was tired of pretending that everything was okay. And for the first time in two years, I was trying to pull myself up without using someone else, and I knew I was failing.
But I wouldn’t go back to where I’d been. I couldn’t. No matter the amount of pain and craving to make it go away, Ian would hate me if he knew what I’d done after his death.
So until I was sure I was okay, I wasn’t leaving this attic. I couldn’t put myself near any temptation. No one was home; no one would hear my anguished cries. The pillows, blankets, and memories of Ian were all I needed right now.
• • •
My eyes cracked open sometime later. The room around me was dark except for the glow of the streetlights filtering in through the attic’s window. My bladder was full, my eyes hurt from crying for hours, and my body was sore from the tension of restraining myself from giving in to my cravings. I licked at my dry lips and reached around me for another blanket before pulling it on top of the other two already surrounding me. It was freezing up here.
Just as my eyes started shutting again, I heard a deep voice call my name. I held my breath and didn’t move as I heard muted voices talking back and forth, and then the sound of quick feet climbing. Before I knew what was happening, the door to the attic opened.
“Where’s the li—”
“Don’t turn it on,” I pled.
“Oh!” Courtney gasped. “God, you scared me! I was coming up to see if you were in here, but still.”
“I’m here.” Obviously. That was stupid, Indy.
“I have to go back to work, but that quiet guy from next door is here looking for you,” she said in a singsong voice.
My heart pounded as I thought about my embarrassin
g conversation with Kier yesterday. “Did he say why?”
“No,” she said, drawing out the word.
“Uh, can you tell him I’m not here?”
“I guess. If you really want me to.”
“I really want you to.”
She sighed and didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “Okay. Well, I’ll be back late. Text me if you need anything.”
“Bye,” I mumbled into the pillow.
I tried going back to sleep after she left and I heard the front door shut, but I couldn’t. I had to pee, and now that I’d been awake for more than a few minutes, my stomach was letting me know how neglected it felt. With a groan, I pushed myself awkwardly off the pillows, letting the blankets fall off me, and stumbled my way over to the door and down the stairs. After using the bathroom, I had begun walking toward the main stairs leading to the first floor when something caught my eye, and I paused.
Turning to look on my left, I noticed a light coming through my cracked-open door and raised an eyebrow. I had a bad habit of leaving my door wide-open, and I hated having lights on.
Trying to remain as quiet as possible in the old house, I tiptoed toward my room and held my breath as I reached my door, trying to listen for signs of anyone in there. When I didn’t hear any, I pushed the door open, ready to scream, or run, or turn full-on ninja.
My shoulders sagged and all the air left my chest in a depressed huff when I found nothing in my room out of place. It was super anticlimactic.
I walked out of my room and turned toward the stairs, and a scream tore through my chest as I stumbled back before tripping over myself and falling hard on my butt.
“Are you okay?”
“Why are you here?” I yelled, my breathing ragged as I stared at Kier’s worried face, his arm outstretched like he’d been about to catch me.
“I was waiting for you.” He leaned closer to help me up.
“So you wait for people by popping up out of nowhere and scaring the shit out of them?”
“Didn’t mean to scare you. I was just coming back upstairs.”
I sighed heavily and pressed a hand to my chest. “Christ, you about gave me a heart attack. Have you been in my bedroom?”
He glanced at my door and shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Do you have a habit of inviting yourself to wait for people in their rooms?”
His lips tilted up on one side in a charming, lopsided smirk. “Uh, not exactly. Your housemate told me she didn’t think you’d be upstairs much longer and to wait in your room. I’d been in there, but I realized I left my phone in my car, so I went to get it and was coming back.”
“Traitor,” I hissed.
“Excuse me?”
“She was supposed to tell you I wasn’t here.”
Kier didn’t look hurt or shocked by this. His smirk just turned into a full-on grin. Ass. “She told me that, too.”
I crossed my arms under my chest and glared at him. “What all did she tell you?”
“First, are you okay? That looked like it hurt.”
“I’m fine,” I said through gritted teeth.
His golden eyes danced. “All right. She came downstairs, said you’d told her to tell me you were gone even though you were hiding out upstairs in the pillow room—whatever the fuck a pillow room is—and she thought you’d been up there for a while and probably wouldn’t last in there much longer, so to wait for you in your room.”
“Lovely,” I groaned.
“What’s a pillow room?”
“It’s a room full of pillows.”
His expression went deadpan for a few seconds before he rolled his eyes and sighed. “Anyway. I wanted to check on you.”
I’d started turning away from him, but at his admission, my head snapped back to look at him. “Why?”
“Because of yesterday.”
My cheeks burned and I took a self-conscious step back. “What about it?”
“You were obviously freaking out, and I don’t think I made it easier for you. So I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m fine.”
He studied my face for a few seconds. “Are you sure about that?”
I broke down most of yesterday and today. No, I’m not fine. “Positive.”
“Indy . . . ,” he mumbled, his tone conveying his disbelief.
I had humiliated myself in front of this guy yesterday, and after the days I’d been having, I didn’t need him bringing that humiliation back up. “Did you need something else? As much as I appreciate you checking up on me, I’m fine, and I’m kind of busy.”
Kier’s head jerked back and his eyebrows rose. “Look, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you yest—”
“For a guy who doesn’t talk a lot, you’ve sure seemed to do nothing but talk the last couple days. I’m sorry, but I need you to leave.”
Even as I said the words, I wanted to take them back. I didn’t want Kier to leave. I wanted him to keep talking to me. I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted this safe feeling to never go away, but I hated knowing he could see how close I was to breaking for the second time today. I hated knowing he probably thought I was some ridiculous girl. And right now . . . right now—no matter how much I wanted him here—I needed to be alone.
With a small nod, he took two steps backward before turning and walking down the stairs.
I didn’t even wait until I heard the front door shut. Ignoring the hunger pains in my stomach, I turned and bolted up the stairs and into the attic as the sadistic cravings got to be too much and a tortured sob burst from my chest.
I tripped over pillows and blankets, falling onto a mass of more of the same as hard sobs racked my body and tears streamed down my cheeks. My hands fisted, and I pressed them against the tops of my thighs as I chanted the words over and over again until sleep finally claimed me.
I won’t do it. I can’t. For Ian. For me. I won’t do it. I can’t. For Ian. For me.
chapter four
Kier
I spent the entire next day doing nothing but thinking about Indy and the way she’d looked when I saw her the day before. It wasn’t hard to miss the bloodshot eyes and blotchy cheeks, but she hadn’t even wanted to talk about our conversation from the morning before—and I know that had been my fault. But if she wouldn’t talk to me about that, I knew bringing up the fact that she looked like she’d been crying would only make everything worse.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I couldn’t stop wondering what had been wrong. I couldn’t stop the need I felt to go take care of her. Just like I’d always felt with her. From the beginning there’d been something about her, something calling me to her—to protect her. Only now I was having more and more trouble staying away from her. Like today. It’d been storming all day, the temperatures borderline freezing, and the lightning and thunder constant. Obviously she wasn’t alone in her house like I was, but her housemate had mentioned something about two of them being at work all day, and I figured today would be the same. So she was alone again and I’d been thinking of a hundred different excuses to show up like I had done yesterday. Keep her safe from the storm—douche line. Bring her food—which I didn’t have any of. Take her out—which I doubted she would agree to. Ask her if she was ready to actually remember me—but I knew I couldn’t.
I was reaching, and I knew it. I needed to stop. I just didn’t know if I could.
I sat up quickly on my bed when the power went out in the house. After waiting a few seconds without it flickering back on, I fell back and raked my hands down my face.
“Fucking perfect.”
Slapping my hand around on my bed until I found my phone, I slid my thumb across the screen to light my way so I could go check the breaker in this old house. I stopped when I realized there was no light coming in my window from outside, either.
Walking over to it, I looked out the blinds to find a dark street that only lit up from the random lightning. Glancing to the left, I saw Indy’s car parked in front of their
house, and fought with myself for only a minute before I was pulling on a hoodie and jacket. With a douche line or not, I was going over there and keeping her safe from the motherfucking storm.
I ran through the rain and up the stairs to the girls’ porch just as the front door opened, revealing Indy with wide eyes, like she’d just been caught.
“Kier,” she breathed.
This was such a bad idea. “Uh . . .” I’m checking on you again. I’m protecting you like the badass I’m not. “I wanted to see you.”
Her lips curved up. “You wanted to see me?”
“Yeah,” I said on a defeated sigh.
“Even after the way I treated you yesterday, and embarrassed myself the day before, and I could go on to the other times we’ve spoken . . .” She started to laugh, but jolted when a bolt of lightning flashed, almost immediately followed by a deafening clap of thunder.
“Yeah, still wanted to see you. But if you’re going some—”
She stepped back, holding the door wider. “I was coming to you. You just beat me to it.”
I kept my eyes trained on her as I walked into the house, not missing the way she was looking everywhere but at me as I did. I was used to the drunken Indy forgetting me, and the sober and adorable-as-sin Indy—but I wasn’t used to what I’d encountered yesterday, and I wanted to know what had made her act that way. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make sure it never happened again.
“So you—” I started at the same time she blurted, “I’m so sorry, Kier. I—wait, what were you about to say?”
I smiled even though I doubted she could see me clearly. “I was just trying to figure out why you were coming to see me.”
There was a long pause. The only sound was our breathing, the rain against the house, and the occasional thunder. When she spoke again, her words were soft and slow. “I needed to apologize for yesterday, and . . .”
When We Met Page 13
