My stomach twisted into the tightest knot as recognition slammed me first somewhere in my subconscious, my throat growing dry when her name formed in my head before it swelled on my tongue.
“Aly Moore?” I managed, everything about the question timid and unsure. Well, I wasn’t unsure it was she.
There was no question, no doubt.
What I wasn’t so sure about was if I should actually stop to talk to her. My heart was already beating a million miles a minute, like a stampeding warning crashing through my body, screaming at my limbs to go and go now.
Still, I couldn’t move.
Short gusts of sorrow were a feeling I was well-accustomed to, dealing with Stewart and all the sadness his illness brought into my life.
But this?
Pain constricted my chest, pressing and pulsing in, and I struggled to find my absent breath.
God, she looked just like him. I always did my best to keep him from my thoughts, all the memories of him buried deep, deep enough to pretend they’d forever been forgotten, when in reality everything I’d ever shared with him had been the most vivid of my life.
Seeing her brought them all flooding back.
His face.
His touch.
I squeezed my eyes, trying to block them out, but they only flashed brighter.
God.
“Samantha Schwartz.” My name tumbled from her mouth as if it came with some kind of relief. She stretched out her hand, grasping mine. “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it’s you. How are you?”
I hadn’t seen her in years. Seven, to be exact. She was only two years younger than me, always sweet. Sweet and smart. Different in a good way, quiet and shy and bold at the same time. I’d always liked her, and some foolish part of me had believed she’d always be a part of my life. I guess I’d taken that for granted, too.
But that’s what happens when you’re young and naive and believe in promises that turn out only to be given in vain.
I swallowed over the lump in my throat and forced myself to speak. “I’ve been good. It’s so great to see you.” It was all a lie wrapped up in the worst kind of truth.
I dropped my gaze, my eyes landing on the diamonds that glinted from her ring finger where she grasped my hand, and I caught just a peek of the intricate tattoo woven below it, like she’d etched a promise of forever into her skin.
A war of emotions spun trough me, and I wanted to fire off a million questions, the most blatant of them jerking my attention between the empty infant carrier and her ring. My mind tumbled through a roller coaster of memories as it did its best to catch up on the years that had passed.
“Oh my God . . . you are married? And you’re a mom,” I drew out as I finally added up the obvious, and a strange sense of satisfaction at seeing her grown-up this way fell over me. It seemed almost silly, thinking of her that way, considering she was only two years younger than me. Now the years separating our ages didn’t seem so distant. Not the way they had then, when I’d thought of her as just a little girl, a hundred years and a million miles behind me. It seemed now she’d just flown right past me.
With my assertion, everything about her glowed. She held up her hand to inspect the ring I’d just been admiring, her voice soft with a reverent awe. “Can you believe it?” She laughed quietly. “Some days I can’t believe it myself.”
The joy surrounding her was so clear, and I chewed at my bottom lip, both welcoming the happiness I felt for her and fighting the jealousy that slipped just under the surface of my skin. Never would I wish any sorrow on her, or desire to steal it away because I didn’t have it myself. I wasn’t viscious or cruel. But seeing her this way was just a stark reminder of what I was missing.
Happiness.
I bit back the bitterness, searched inside myself for an excuse to get away, because I was finished feeling sorry for myself, when Aly’s face transformed into the most radiant smile, her attention locked somewhere behind me. There was nothing I could do but follow her gaze. I looked over my shoulder.
All the surprise at finding Aly Moore here shifted and amplified, spinning my head with shock when I found whom she was staring at. My knees went weak.
Jared Holt strode toward us.
The grown man was completely covered in tattoos, every edge of him hard and rough. None of the surprise I felt was attributed to the way he looked, because I’d been there to watch his downward spiral. Part of me was just surprised to see he was still alive.
But I recognized it the second I saw him. Joy. The way a soft smile pulled at his mouth and the warmth that flared in his eyes when they landed on Aly. He held an adorable, tiny baby girl protectively against his chest, the child facing out as they approached. She kicked her little legs when she caught sight of her mom.
My heart did crazy, erratic things, and the small sound that worked up my throat was tortured.
Someone was trying to pull a sick joke on me, dangling all the bits of my past right in front of my face.
It just had to be Jared.
No, he hadn’t been responsible for any of the choices Christopher or I had made. Still, he’d been at the center of it. The catalyst that had driven the confusion.
The overwhelming feeling rushing me was altogether cruel and welcomed at the same time, because God, how many times had I lain awake at night, unable to sleep because I was thinking of Christopher Moore, wondering where he was and who he’d become?
Those questions always left me feeling sad and hollow, because I’d witnessed pieces of that man, the one who emerged after I was gone. Or maybe the one who’d been there all along—I’d just been too blind to see him for who he really was.
Aly must have sensed my panic. Again she reached out to squeeze my hand. “You remember Jared Holt, don’t you?” She obviously knew I did. There was no missing the look that passed between the two of them, a secret conversation transpiring in just a glance.
“Of course,” I whispered hoarsely.
“Samantha,” Jared said as a statement. He handed Aly the little tube of diaper-rash ointment he must have gone in search of while she waited at the front of the store. He turned his attention right back to me. “God . . . it’s been years. How are you?”
“Good,” I forced out, wondering where in the hell that word had even come from because right then, I was definitely not feeling good. I was feeling . . . I blinked and swallowed. I couldn’t begin to put my finger on it except to say it was disturbed, as if the axis balancing my safe little world had been altered.
“How are you?” The concern that involuntarily laced my tone was probably not needed, because he smiled at Aly as he situated his daughter a little higher up on his chest and kissed her on the top of her head.
“I’m perfect,” he said through a rumbled chuckle.
Aly took a step forward and lightly tickled the tiny girl’s foot.
The little black-haired, blue-eyed baby kicked more, the mouth that twisted up at just one side so obviously just learning how to control her smile as she rolled her head back in delight. She suddenly cooed, and her eyes went wide and she jerked as if she’d startled herself with the sound that escaped her.
Aly’s voice turned sweet, the kind a mother reserved only for her child. “And this is our Ella . . . Ella Rose.”
Ella Rose.
They’d even named their daughter after Jared’s mother.
Affection pulsed heavily through my veins as I looked on the three of them, so happy to see their joy. As strong as that emotion was, it wasn’t enough to keep my own sadness at bay, and my mind reeled with the questions I wanted to ask about Christopher.
But those questions were dangerous. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t know.
Instead, I reached out to let their baby girl grip my finger. I shook it a little, and that sweet smile took over her face again, this time directed at me as she tried to shove my finger in her mouth.
I just about melted. I was pretty sure this little girl had the power to single-handedly j
ump-start my biological clock. “Well, hello there, Ella Rose. Aren’t you the sweetest thing?” I glanced up at Aly. “How old is she?”
“She just turned two months yesterday,” she answered. “It feels like she’s growing so fast, but I can’t remember what it was like not to have her as a part of our lives. It’s such a strange feeling.”
My head shook with stunned disbelief. “All of this is just crazy.” I eyed them playfully as some of the shock wore away, as if being in their space was completely natural. “The two of you ending up together.”
Aly blushed, and Jared watched her as if she was the anchor that kept him tied to this world. Then he slanted his own mischievous grin my way. “Don’t be too surprised, Sam. This girl was always meant for me.”
Turn the page for a sneak peek at the first book
in Molly McAdams’s new Thatch series,
LETTING GO
Available wherever print and e-books are sold.
prologue
Grey
May 10, 2012
“Then over there is where the girls and I will be waiting before the ceremony starts,” I said, pointing to the all-seasons tent just off to the side. “I think the coordinator said she’d get us in there when the photographer is taking pictures of Ben and the boys on the other side house, so he won’t see me.”
I glanced to my mom and my soon-to-be mother-in-law talking about the gazebo behind me, and what it would look like with the greenery and flowers, and I smiled to myself. They’d been going back and forth on whether we should keep the gazebo as it was or decorate it ever since Ben and I had decided on the Lake House as our wedding and reception site. And from the few words I was hearing now, they were still undecided. I honestly didn’t care how it was decorated. I wanted to be married to Ben, and in three days, I would be.
“Grey, this place is freaking gorgeous. I can’t believe you were able to get it on such short notice,” my maid of honor and best friend, Janie, said in awe.
“I know, but it’s perfect, right?”
“Absolutely perfect.”
I grabbed her hand and rested my head on her shoulder as I stared at the part of the property where the reception would be. Ben and I had promised our families that we wouldn’t get married until we’d graduated from college, but that had been a much harder promise to keep than we’d thought it would be. School had let out for summer a few days ago, and we wanted to move off campus for our junior year . . . together. That hadn’t exactly gone over well with my parents. They didn’t want us living together until we were married. I think in my dad’s mind it helped him continue to believe I was his innocent little girl.
I’d been dating Ben since I was thirteen years old; the innocent part had flown out the window over three years ago. Not that my father needed to know that. After a long talk with all our parents, they’d agreed to let us get married now instead of two years from now.
That was seven weeks ago. Even though Ben had asked me to marry him last Christmas, we’d officially gotten engaged once we’d received the okay from our parents and started planning our wedding immediately. Seven weeks of being engaged. Seven years of being together. And in three days I would finally be Mrs. Benjamin Craft.
With how the last few weeks had dragged by, it felt like our day would never get here.
My phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket. My lips tilted up when I saw Jagger’s name and face on the screen, but I ignored the call. Putting my phone back in my pocket, I kept my other hand firmly wrapped around Janie’s and walked over to where the rest of the bridesmaids were. My aunts and grandma had gathered around the gazebo-debating duo and were helping them with the pros and cons.
“So what are we going to do tonight?” I asked, hoping to get some kind of information about the bachelorette party.
“Nice try.” Janie snorted. She started saying something else, but my phone rang again.
Glancing down and seeing Jagger’s name again, I thought about answering my phone for a few seconds before huffing out a soft laugh and ignoring the call a second time. I knew why he was calling. He was bored out of his mind and wanted me to save him from the golf day Ben and all the guys were having before the bachelor party. Normally I would have saved him from the torture of golfing, but today was about Ben. If he wanted to go golfing with all his guys, then Jagger just had to suck it up for his best friend.
Almost immediately after ignoring the call, I got a text from him.
Jagger: Answer the goddamn phone, Grey!
My head jerked back when the phone in my hand began ringing just as soon as I’d read the message, and all I could do was stare at it for a few seconds. A feeling of dread and unease formed in my chest, quickly unfurling and spreading through my arms and stomach.
Some part of my mind registered two other ringtones, but I couldn’t focus on them or make myself look away from Jagger’s lopsided smile on my screen. With a shaky finger, I pressed on the green button and brought the phone up to my ear.
Before I could say anything, his panicked voice filled the phone. “Grey? Grey! Are you there? Fuck, Grey, say something so I know you’re there!”
There were a siren and yelling in the background, and the feeling that had spread through my body now felt like it was choking me. I didn’t know what was happening, but somehow . . . somehow I knew my entire world was about to change. My legs started shaking and my breaths came out in hard rushes.
“I— What’s happ—” I cut off quickly and turned to look at my mom and Ben’s. Both had phones to their ears. Ben’s mom was screaming with tears falling down her cheeks; my mom looked like the ground had just been ripped out from underneath her.
Jagger was talking. I knew his voice was loud and frantic, but I was having trouble focusing on the words. It sounded like he was yelling at me from miles away.
“What?” I whispered.
Everyone around me was freaking out, trying to figure out what was going on. One of my friends was asking whom I was talking to, but I couldn’t even turn to look at her or be sure who it was that had asked. I couldn’t take my eyes off the only other women currently talking on a phone.
“Grey! Tell me where you are. I’m coming to get you!”
I blinked a few times and looked down at my lap. I was sitting on the ground. When had I sat down?
Janie squatted in front of me and grabbed my shoulders to shake me before grabbing my cheeks so I would look at her instead of where my mom and Ben’s were clinging to each other.
“What?” I repeated, my voice barely audible.
Just before Janie took the phone from me, I heard a noise that sounded weighted and pained. A choking sound I’d never heard from Jagger in the eleven years we’d been friends. The grief in it was enough to force a sharp cry from my own chest, and I didn’t even struggle against Janie when she took the phone from me.
I didn’t understand anything that was happening around me, but somehow I knew everything. A part of me had heard Jagger’s words. A part of me understood what the horrified cries that quickly spread throughout every one of my friends meant. My family. Ben’s family. A part of me acknowledged the sense of loss that had added to the dread, unease, and grief—and knew why it was there.
A part of me knew the wedding I’d just been envisioning would never happen.
chapter one
Grey
Two years later . . .
May 10, 2014
I dressed in a fog and sat down on the side of my bed when I was done. Grabbing the hard top of the graduation cap, I looked down at it in my hands until the tears filling my eyes made it impossible to see anything other than blurred shapes. I knew I had to leave, but at that moment I didn’t care.
I didn’t care that I’d done my makeup for the first time in two years and I was ruining it. I didn’t care that I was graduating from college. I didn’t care that I had already been running twenty minutes late before I’d sat down.
I just didn’t care.
F
alling to my side, I grabbed the necklace that hadn’t left my neck once in the last couple years and pulled it out from under my shirt until I was gripping the wedding band I’d bought for Ben. The one he should be wearing, but I hadn’t been able to part with—almost like I’d needed to keep some part of him with me.
The last year had been easier to get through than the one before it. I hadn’t needed my friends constantly trying to get me to do my schoolwork. I hadn’t needed Janie pulling me out of bed every morning, forcing me to shower and dress for the day. I’d even taken off my engagement ring and put it away a few months ago. But exactly two years ago today, I’d been showing off the place where I was going to marry Ben. Completely oblivious to anything bad in the world. And Ben had died.
At twenty years old, his heart had failed, and he’d died before he’d even dropped to the ground on the golf course. He’d always seemed so active and healthy; no one had ever picked up on the rare heart condition that had taken him too early. Doctors said it wasn’t something they could test for. I didn’t believe them then, and even though I’d read news articles of similar deaths in young people, I wasn’t sure if I did now. All I knew was that he was gone.
Heavy footsteps echoed through the hall of my apartment seconds before Jagger was standing in the doorway of my bedroom, a somber look on his face.
“How did I know you wouldn’t have made it out of here?” One corner of his mouth twitched up before falling again.
“I can’t do it,” I choked out, and tightened my hold on the ring. “How am I supposed to celebrate anything on a day that brought so much pain?”
Jagger took in a deep breath through his nose before releasing it and pushing away from the doorframe. Taking the few steps over to the bed, he sat down by my feet and stared straight ahead as silence filled the room.
“I honestly don’t know, Grey,” he finally said with a small shrug. “The only way I made it to my car and your apartment was because I knew Ben wanted this, and would still want it for us.”
When We Met Page 34
