by Alta Hensley
“You need to put an end to this foolishness, right now,” he warned, totally not getting it. “There is no way that I’m being treated by money found in this way again. It ruined your life last time. It tore you apart. You were a welder rather than a boxer, for crying out loud, and not a very good one!”
“Dad, stop it. Stop trying to prevent me from doing what I need to do. I cannot lose you. I can’t just do nothing. I know that this ruined my life last time. I’m aware of that. I know that I’m risking it all again, but I’ll do it for you. And don’t stand there and tell me you wouldn’t do the exact same thing if you were in my shoes.”
“I don’t want you to!” he yelled. “I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t want to go through all the excruciating and painful treatments again only to live a couple more years or even months. It isn’t worth it. Not for me anyway. I would rather die peacefully now. To go and be with Louisa in Heaven than to keep on fighting. I’m tired, son. I’m really, really tired.”
My dad never talked about my mother anymore. It was as if the mere thought of her damn near killed him, so it showed me how serious he was that her name rolled off his tongue. I barely remembered my mother, but I was grateful to her for saving me from a life in the foster care system or worse. I always had a lot of love for her, but I didn’t want to lose my dad to her. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. He might not want to live anymore, but I couldn’t live without him. I needed to do this with his permission, or without it.
“I am not going to be responsible for you losing your career again. You have it good now. You have it right. I’m not willing to be the thing that gets in your way. I need you to pause for a moment and stop this spiral.”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” I screamed back at him, frustration racing through my body. “I actually cannot believe what you’re saying. You’re just giving up on life. Is that it? Giving up on me, and for what? Because you’re scared? Well, you go on and be scared. I don’t give a shit anymore. I refuse to let fear take you away from me. I just won’t have it.”
My heart pounded as I tried my best to stare him down, but he wasn’t having any of it. He looked back at me with as much determination in his gaze, refusing to back off. So, I grabbed hold of my car keys and I stormed outside.
Luckily, despite Dad’s rants and snatching the card from my hand, I knew where Nero would be from all of our time together before. I could still go and get that money no matter what my father said. I was going to go there, to his hole in the wall bar, and ask for a loan from him. I knew that I’d have to go through a whole range of bullshit to get that money back to him, and that it would certainly lose me my place at Shamrocks, but right now my mind wasn’t in a good place. I was not thinking about me and my career anymore. Just like I wasn’t last time. I was only thinking about my dad and saving his life.
I wouldn’t let myself get sucked into the addiction this time. I was sure of that. I would be able to pull myself out of it no matter how hard it was to resist. This was a loan. A dirty, fucking filthy loan. But nothing more. It would not become my drug. Not again.
Then again, I didn’t think that I would be going back down this road again either, yet here I was, doing just that.
As I sped along the road, I allowed everything that I was giving up to flood through my mind. Shamrocks, the trust that people had in me, my relationship with my dad…
Julep.
Of course, Julep. I was going to have to give her up to get through all of this. I could not drag her down with me. It was one thing to give up my own career, but to lose hers too… There was no way that I could do that. I could be selfish when it came to me, but not her. Not when she was the first person I had ever really cared about in a long time. I was falling for her, caring about her. I adored her, but I couldn’t drag her the hell down. Not for me. It wasn’t her fight. It wasn’t anyone’s fight but mine. I needed to stand alone.
I really didn’t want to have to think about giving up Julep, but there was no way that she’d want me now. She put her faith in me, drew me into the gym, and I was about to throw it away. I knew that, yet I still couldn’t stop myself. I needed to do this, and there was nothing strong enough to keep me from making this choice. I couldn’t lose another parent. I didn’t know my birth father. He could be any scumbag on the planet. My real mother didn’t want me. My adoptive mother died in a car accident, and now I was losing Cisco too. That fucking cancer was going to get him. It was going to kill him, and I was going to have no fucking family left.
Without him, I was nothing. Without him, I would completely fall apart. There wasn’t any foundation for me to exist upon. Over and over, I tried to justify my actions. Repeating the same thoughts to somehow make this all right. But it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. But I still had no other choice.
17
Julep
“Don’t count the days, make the days count.”
– Muhammad Ali
The ringing of the phone woke me, making me realize that I’d fallen asleep on the couch in front of the television. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and tried to force myself awake—even more so when I saw that it was Mateo’s home number calling me.
“Hello?” I said, nervous as to why he was calling. “Everything okay?” I had been worried about him since our meeting didn’t go according to plan.
“Julep? It’s Cisco.”
I instantly sat up straighter, recognizing that this had to be a bad sign. If Cisco was calling me, it made me think that Mateo had to be in trouble. Otherwise, why couldn’t he just call me himself? “What’s going on?” I demanded.
“Can you come over?” he asked, his voice shaking. “I don’t want to discuss it over the phone, but I fear that my son is about to do something stupid.”
Oh fuck. This was what I had feared ever since Cisco got taken to the hospital. I could see Mateo slowly shutting down, and becoming increasingly manic as everything didn’t seem to go his way. I could see him sinking, growing darker and more desperate. It was almost as if I’d been waiting for this awful but inevitable moment to arrive.
“I’m on my way,” I said as I ran to put my shoes on and find my keys. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes or so.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck…
I tried my best to picture how this was going to affect everything. Mateo would get himself into shit, dragging the entire gym down with him. If he threw another fight, no one would ever trust him again, and his career would go right down the toilet. Not only that, my family business would be on the line too. I didn’t know if he realized he was putting me at risk too. Or maybe he was just so deeply involved in all of this that he really didn’t care anymore. Maybe he had gained tunnel vision, and all he could see was the chance to save his dad.
I understood his reasons. Of course I did. Especially after hearing his story about the loss of his other parents, but that didn’t make him going back to the dark side of his life right.
After driving like a mad woman to get to Mateo’s, I burst through the front door and raced right to Cisco’s side. He looked pale and fraught, whereas I was sure that I was red-faced. My heart pounded heavily in my chest, nausea swam around in my stomach, and my mouth had run dry with fear. But at the moment, I was not worried about me. I was more concerned about how Cisco was feeling, so I pulled him in for a comforting embrace.
“What’s going on?” I asked, trying to steady my breathing. “Tell me everything.”
“Mateo is about to do something crazy again,” he said, sadness lacing his tone. “I tried my best to stop him, but he’s going back to Nero Rodriguez – his old gambling contact. The one who got him into all that trouble in the first place.”
“I know the name,” I said as an icy sensation trickled up and down my spine. “Mateo told me all about it, but he also promised me that he wouldn’t ever get involved in anything like that again.”
“I know, but he can’t seem to cope. I think he’s becoming unhinged with it all.” He sighed, slidin
g into the nearest chair. “I’m just so scared that he’s going to end up in the same place that he was last time—taking out loans with loan sharks, betting on everything, throwing fights to make up the money.”
This affected everything. I really did need to fix this, and sooner rather than later. “Do you know where he’s gone?” I was desperate for a way to get to him. If I could just find Mateo, I’d be able to make him see sense. I’d ensure he found another way.
“No.” Cisco shook his head gravely. “I don’t really know anything about Nero Rodriguez. In all honesty, I never thought that I would have to again. I thought that he was out of our lives for good.”
This was my fault. I was sure of it. If I hadn’t brought Mateo back into the ring, then I was certain that Rodriguez would have never come around. Mateo could have continued along on his very quiet, normal existence.
“Okay, so if we can’t find him, we need to get cash another way,” I said determinedly. “If we can prove to Mateo that we have other ways of getting the money, he’ll abandon his plan completely. He’s only doing this out of sheer desperation. It isn’t because he wants to.” I nibbled on my finger staring off into space as I thought. “Maybe if I sell my collection of boxing memorabilia…”
“I would never ask you to do that,” Cisco cut in, shock crossing his expression.
“Of course you wouldn’t.” I touched his arm reassuringly. “But I want to. None of that means anything compared to your life. I would be happy to.”
“I don’t want you to do that,” he snapped back firmly. “I honestly don’t want any of this. I don’t want the treatment at all. This has nothing to do with money, but the fact that I can’t… I won’t go through it all again. I’ve done the dance too many times, and I’m sitting this one out.”
“What… what do you mean?” Anxiety coursed through my veins as I struggled to breathe. Was he saying what I thought he was? Was he trying to suggest that he really didn’t want any treatment? Of course that was his decision, and I’d have to respect it, but that didn’t mean I’d like it. Cisco was an amazing man, with a big, open heart. He really deserved to live far longer than this cancer was giving him. But he was also a grown man who should be able to make his own decisions.
“I mean that I’ve had a long and fulfilled life. I mean that I miss my Louisa desperately, and that I can’t wait to be with her again. I mean that I would like my life to end on a pleasant note. It isn’t much fun being stuck in a hospital, hooked up to machines, having poison pumped into your body until you’re endlessly sick.” When he put it like that, it was difficult not to understand. I wouldn’t want to end my life like that either. “I don’t want to keep on fighting the inevitable. I’ve come to terms with death now. I’m ready to go. I know that Mateo will struggle, but he’s a man now, and I don’t feel like he’s so… alone now.”
He gave me a sideways look, and I instantly jumped in to reassure him. “No, he isn’t alone. He has the guys at the gym, and he… he has me.” I didn’t know how true that was because I was not one hundred percent sure how much he wanted me, but if it made Cisco feel better, then I’d say anything.
“Wait here.” Cisco grinned at me before leaving me sitting by myself.
While he was gone, I allowed my mind to wander, thinking about what Mateo might be up to right now. He was doing exactly what he said he wouldn’t. What I had promised a whole load of people that he wouldn’t do, and I felt so hopeless just sitting there. My feet were itchy, my stomach knotty, but while I didn’t know where he was, there was nothing that I could do. I certainly couldn’t go on a wild goose chase to nowhere.
“I would like you to have this,” Cisco said as he entered the room.
As I spotted the item in his hand, I couldn’t stop the squeal that burst out of my throat, and I clapped my hands over my mouth in shock. It was a signed picture of Joe Frasier. Exactly what I had always wanted. “I have been on the hunt for a signed picture forever. That has to be worth thousands of dollars,” I said in awe. “Why didn’t Mateo sell that for your treatment? Why haven’t you?”
“Mateo doesn’t know about my own memorabilia collection. I was going to give it to him when I died,” he said as he glanced down at the picture with a smile. “But I’ve sold a lot of it just recently for money I need. This is all that I have left.”
“So… you have money? Money that you need? I thought you said you didn’t want the treatment?” I asked him, confused.
“I sold off my collection so I can follow my dream before I go. I was going to tell Mateo tonight, but then he gave me no real chance to talk before he stormed off. I’ve bought a one-way plane ticket to Cuba. I’ve always wanted to return to my home country, and this really is my last chance.” He stared me in the eyes, wanting me to see how serious he was. “My plane leaves tonight, and I’m going to live out the rest of my days there.”
My eyes instantly welled up at the thought. If that was the case, then this really was goodbye. I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to feel about that. I had grown close to this man in such a short time. And Mateo…
“I wanted to say goodbye to Mateo. I wanted to be able to figure things out with him. But he’s gone now, and I don’t want to miss my plane either. Plus, I don’t think he would let me go. It’s probably best I leave before he returns anyway.” He paced around the room, and glanced toward the window. “Saying goodbye would rip us up to shreds. Leaving…” He looked at me with tears in his eyes. “Am I coward? Should I stay and face this head on? Or should I leave? I don’t know what to do. I worry about Mateo and how he will react.”
“I’ll take care of Mateo,” I reassured him. I really didn’t want Cisco to go, and I knew that this would utterly crush Mateo. At the same time, Mateo wasn’t a selfish man. He’d eventually understand. It might take him a while, but he’d see why his dad wanted to leave and go back to Cuba. “You just go and do what you feel you have to do. If Cuba is your dream, then you deserve to have it.”
“You have this Joe Frasier picture,” he said, handing me the item that I had been trying to get my hands on for years. “I want you and Mateo to have this in memory of me. Add it to the collection you have.”
“Thank you,” I replied thickly through the tears. “I really appreciate it. I know it goes without saying that I’ll never, ever forget you.”
“Just look after my son,” he pleaded. “Don’t let him wreck his life again. Please.”
“I promise.” I pulled Cisco in for another hug knowing that this would be the last time ever. “And I’ll let him know everything you told me.”
“Oh, that reminds me.” He pulled away and grabbed something from his pocket. “I have a letter for him. I think this should help him to understand… at least, I hope that it does. Please give this to him.”
I nodded and cried as he called a cab and gathered his bags. He was going to leave us all behind forever, but I was only crying for Mateo and myself. Cisco had made the right choice for himself. That much was obvious by how happy he looked, and we needed to respect his difficult decision. Of course it was going to be hard for us, but Cisco deserved to end his days how he chose.
I just needed to focus on making sure that Mateo forged himself a good, positive future in his father’s memory, rather than screwing it up. Even though he didn’t have to worry about coming up with the money to help his father considering Cisco would be in another country, and his decision fully made to leave his life up to fate, Mateo still might end up going down that bad route of his past. Gambling could still grip hold of him, sucking him down once more, and if I didn’t step in quickly, he might be lost to me forever.
I needed to do my best to make him see that he still had something to live for. I needed to make him see that he could still have a life. He had lost a lot, and he had been through more shit than most, but he did have good too. But how the hell was I going to make him see that when I didn’t know where he was? How could I fix this on my own?
I watched Ci
sco’s cab pull away, knowing that it was really up to me now. I was the only one who knew what was going on. The only one who could fix this at the moment, and if I didn’t come up with a plan quickly, everything would fall apart around me.
18
Mateo
“They only made one mistake, they signed this fight.”
– Ferdie “The Fight Doctor” Pacheco
I pulled up outside The King’s Men, the building that put up a very good front of being an old English style pub. What it really covered up was the majority of Nero’s dirty dealings. This is where he brought you when the casinos were no longer enough. I was ashamed to say that it didn’t take me long to end up there. After only a few trips to the best casinos in the world, my brain already needed more. The greed inside of me already had to have it all. I liked the dark and gritty behind private gambling. Big stakes, powerful players, and I had loved every fucking minute of it.
Behind the doors, Nero had a betting shop. He had a constant poker game on the go, and I’d heard rumors about other seedier betting too such as dog fighting and cock fighting. I felt dirty even being at the bar again. My skin itched with it all, but I pushed past, knowing that it was what I had to do regardless. I might not like it. I might have never planned upon it, but none of that mattered now. Choices had to be made to save my father.
I pushed the door open, the scent of cheap whiskey quickly traveling up my nose. People turned to stare at me. I could feel their eyes upon me, but I refused to make eye contact with anyone. I wouldn’t be intimidated, and I wouldn’t be mocked. I was there for one thing, and one thing only.
“I’m here to speak to Rodriguez,” I said to the guy behind the bar, ignoring the smirk that instantly spread across his cheeks. “I need to speak to him now.”
