by Nikki Rae
But it was important for me to write this story because I had questions I needed to answer. These were things I couldn’t ask anyone, things that I had to find within myself, and pull out piece by piece.
Cancer is something that touches everyone on some level. It is one subject I’ve always wanted to write about, but every time I started something, I found myself choking on the details, unable to form them into words, incapable of dealing with such a tough subject, one that was so personal to me.
When I was fifteen, my stepfather died of cancer. He was a huge part of my life and it scared me that in a few months’ time, everything in our lives changed. Cancer is something I’ve always tried to write about but couldn’t. It was always too painful or dug up too much. I wish I knew what it was about The Donor that kept me going, despite how hard it was to write at times.
Disease in general is hard to deal with for the people who are experiencing it directly, but I was only a bystander. I could not fathom the decisions that were made or how quickly things could change from day to day.
Although this is a paranormal romance story, it was important to me to capture what cancer is like realistically--to understand from a first person perspective how it works, how it causes everything to change.
I wanted this to be a story of time. Time for Casey and Jonah, you and I. Life is measured in time. Days, months, years. When you have a limited amount of these things, it becomes even more measured and calculated. Time is something that can’t be manipulated. When you have a clock set on your life, you can’t stretch the minutes, you can’t turn days into months. You can’t beg your loved ones to stay when they have no choice but to go.
For Casey, time is of the essence. She needs to make money fast. However, she also needs purpose. She’s given a horrible diagnosis at an age where everyone else is just starting their lives. Suddenly, she is forced to stand still. The same can be said for Jonah. He’s been standing still for a long time, and he finds Casey to be the thing that moves him forward. Their relationship isn’t perfect, and it doesn’t have a typical happy ending, but that’s not how their lives were set out to be.
They try to stretch time in their own ways, Casey trying to ignore the situation completely while Jonah places all of the care he can’t provide his daughter with into his seahorses and Casey. Their story is no doubt a sad one, but I also believe that there is hope, in the shortest of time, in the darkest of places. These two characters are forced to make decisions they would not otherwise make, live in ways they would hesitate to live, change their minds on the turn of a dime, because the minutes are counting down. There is no time for hesitating, debating, or worrying about what may come tomorrow. They get to have their own small life together, and happily take comfort in each other for a short time.
They may not have a happy ending, like so many others who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses, yet I think, as bystanders or outsiders, we tend to give these people little to no hope for a future because theirs is so limited.
When my stepdad was sick, for example, he lived his life the same way he always had. Work seven days a week, smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, go to chemo, quit chemo, go fishing on the weekends. At first, I was so angry that he wouldn’t just admit that he was unwell. He didn’t act like a sick guy. He should have been sleeping or in the hospital or getting his affairs in order. Instead, he was making me grilled cheese when I broke my knee, driving me to my school dance, making small talk with me about music and TV.
It took me a long time to understand that this was his time to do what he wanted. Some people wait their whole lives to push for what they really want because they think they can accomplish it sooner or later. My stepdad wasn’t one of those people who had big dreams. He just liked what he liked, and he liked his family. I think to him, he was using his time wisely.
So the question is, did I clear up my confusion about this illness? Did I learn anything new in pushing myself through this story? Yes. Of course. You wouldn’t be reading it if I hadn’t. I also believe that I still have more to learn, more to heal and grow in writing this little novella.
But more than that, I want you, dear reader, to take away something from this story that you didn’t have before. It can be something small, some tiny piece of Casey or Jonah that you liked, some sliver of hope that their story goes on.
Or it can be what I took away: There is no future. You are already there. Work towards your goal every day, and do what makes your time well spent.
My step father has been gone for more than ten years, but I miss him every day. I can still hear his laugh, still smell him. I’ve healed a lot since his death, but there will always be small puncture wounds left in me that will never fully disappear. This story, in its own small way, helped heal some of them. I hope it can do the same for you.
Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being here.
Now spend your time wisely.
About The Author
Nikki Rae is a writer who lives in New Jersey. As an independent author, she has appeared numerously on Amazon Best Seller lists. She concentrates on making her imaginary characters as real as possible, writing mainly dark, scary, romantic tales, but she’ll try anything once. When she is not writing, reading, or thinking, you can find her spending time with animals, drawing in a quiet corner, or studying people. Closely.
You can keep up with Nikki on Twitter (@NikkiRaexX) and Facebook or shoot her an email ([email protected]). She’s a shy creature, but she’s very friendly. Promise.
