by Scott Kaelen
All right, I’m sure you get the point.
I have a lot of respect for Aristotle, Plato, Socrates and all other great thinkers. Aristotle’s Prime Mover (or Unmoved Mover) is the ultimate representation of deism. It is free – utterly and completely. Anyone who finds themselves constantly at odds with their holy book’s teachings would do well to free themselves of such shackles. Your life would be a lot happier without them, at peace with your own philosophical thinking, just like Aristotle, who is to the Prime Mover as Moses is to Judaism, or Jesus to Christianity, or Muhammad to Islam, but with all the bells and whistles removed.
I’m an atheist through and through, but I do believe there is a fantastic cosmic dance going on, and has been going on since possibly forever, and will continue to go on forever. My scientific philosophies surpass limitations such as the Big Bang, which we’re on the verge of putting into supercession anyway. I like to think the universe is as much an entity as is a human being (but without the single-being consciousness.) In other words, just as my individual molecules all contribute towards being me, so the galaxies all take part in a universal harmonic togetherness. In my admittedly limited understanding of science, I see positrons and negatrons as being synonymous with active and inactive galactic nuclei (or quasars and black holes.)
We do not need a religion in order to feel such cosmic wonder. We’re still talking about matter and energy and gases, quantum and spatial mechanics, not an entity that is in any way focusing on this Earth and pulling the strings of each of its occupants.
If I can help someone free themselves of the anchor of an organised religion and sail the oceans of deism (or the landlocked sea of agnosticism) then I’ve achieved something great. If, after they’ve set sail, they develop wings (and possibly an engine) to lift them clear of the water into the endless skies of atheism, then that would be good cause to crack open the champagne.
THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING
(AN OLD TESTAMENT QUOTE PIE)
Don’t just take my word for it that the Old Testament contains verses that should chill any kind-hearted modern human to the bone, and also some that no sane person would even take as metaphor. By the end of the next three pages most people would say they have no desire to read the rest of the Old Testament at all. Small wonder that many Christians do not recognise it as anything other than an embarrassing mistake; little do they acknowledge the irony that it was the Torah and other Jewish scriptures (pretty much the Old Testament) which brought Jesus to God in the first place.
Genesis 7:21-23 – And all flesh that moved on the earth perished, birds and cattle and beasts and every swarming thing that swarmed upon the earth, and all mankind; of all that was on the dry land, all in whose nostrils was the breath of the spirit of life, died. Thus He blotted out every living thing that was upon the face of the land, from man to animals to creeping things and to birds of the sky, and they were blotted out from the earth.
Leviticus 10:1-2 – And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD.
Leviticus 24:16 – And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land.
Numbers 22:28-30 – And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, “What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?” And Balaam said unto the ass, “Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.” And the ass said unto Balaam, “Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? Was I ever wont to do so unto thee?” And he said, “Nay.”
Judges 3:21-22: And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into [Eglon’s] belly. And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that [Eglon] could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.
Judges 4:21 – Then Jael, Heber’s wife, took a nail of the tent and took a hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.
Samuel 10:4 – Therefore Hanun took David’s servants, shaved off half of their beards, cut off their garments in the middle at the buttocks, and sent them away.
Samuel 18:25 – Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’”
Kings 2:23 -24 – And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, “Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.” And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she-bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
Kings 6:29 – So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, “Give thy son, that we may eat him.”
Kings 18:27 – “Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?”
Chronicles 11:21 – And Rehoboam loved Maachah the daughter of Absalom above all his wives and his concubines: (for he took eighteen wives, and threescore concubines; and begat twenty and eight sons, and threescore daughters.)
Proverbs 5:18-19 – Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times.
Proverbs 23:3 – Be not desirous of his dainties: for they are deceitful meat.
Proverbs 23:27 – For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.
Song of Solomon 7:7-9 – “This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.” I said, “I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples, and the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.”
Malachi 2:3 – “Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.”
WHAT LOT SAID
(GENESIS 19:8 FLASH PARODY)
“Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.”
When the people of Sodom gathered outside Lot’s dwelling and ordered him to hand over the two men within, Lot opened his door and said to them, “Look, I’ve got two daughters in here, both virgins. I’ll bring them out to you and you can do whatever you like with them. All I ask is you leave my two visitors alone, because, quite frankly, I’d rather my young daughters be Sodomised by an entire town than allow anyone to sully my other angels – ahem, I mean my new friends. I know, I know, I’m an awful father; but it is 2000BC after all. So, do we have a deal? No? Ah, Sod this, I’m off to the mountains.”
Lot slammed and bolted the door on the amassed crowd, and his angelic friends urged him to pack his belongings so the five of them, plus Lot’s wife, could flee as soon as possible.
“Daddy,” said Lot’s eldest daughter, with a curious glint in her eye, “why don’t you pack a case of wine✝ for the journey? You never know when something like that might come in handy…”
TO ONAN IS HUMAN
“You should not commit adultery.” That’s a fair enough suggestion, but sometimes it isn’t posed as one, friendly or otherwise, but rather as a Commandment. When Onan ignores said Commandment, and the Commander
himself – God – blatantly goes about being all capricious and everything, what cooks is a great big, complicated, hot mess.
Genesis 38:9: And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife [Tamar], that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother [Er]. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.
Busy fornicating with his brother’s wife, Onan felt a sudden pinch tweak at his guilt-strings. I shouldn’t be doing this, he thought. Even if for no better reason than impregnating his own sister-in-law – poor, dead Er’s wife – somehow seemed like a bad idea, despite the law stating otherwise.
During the next harried moments Onan reached a mental compromise. Satisfied that he’d sorted the problem out, he continued giving it rizz until he felt another pinch, this time far from his guilt strings.
Almost forgetting what he mustn’t do, he barely had time to withdraw before spilling his seed upon the floor, uttering a sigh of ambiguous relief. Sure, he was expected to fertilise Tamar, to continue Er’s bloodline, but to Onan that was just weird. Promising his brother’s widow that he’d provide her with child had been easier than he’d anticipated, but what was a little subterfuge among in-laws? Besides, who’d have to provide for the kid’s education and food and stuff? He was happy enough getting his fun, but he’d be damned if he was going to pay for it for the rest of his life as well.
It had all been his dad’s idea; that old pervert had practically ordered Onan to have sex with his sister-in-law after God struck Er down. And what reason had the Lord given for killing Er? That Onan’s brother was wicked? Onan wasn’t certain what constituted as wicked in the Lord’s eyes, but he had one or two ideas.
Through a crack in the rafters above, Cosmos✟ had witnessed the entire sordid scene. He flapped his gloom-encircled wings in displeasure. It wasn’t the adultery that caused his unhappiness; he was willing to let that slide, out of sheer capriciousness. He was unhappy because the idiot had climaxed onto the ground. The insolent fool! What a senseless waste of good seed. Well, if Onan couldn’t care less about wasting life, neither could Cosmos. He spent a moment mulling over a tiny, nagging consideration about his own tenets concerning murder, and finally Cosmos shrugged. He smashed a fist like a mountain-top down through the roof and dropped to the stone floor with a crash that shook the building. Tamar knelt where she was, her eyes glazed over in an oblivious acacia-buzz. Onan’s jaw dropped and he began to stutter some inane nonsense as Cosmos whipped a barbed tail right into the wastrel’s stupid face. Onan twitched and gyrated, impaled upon the wicked spikes. Cosmos shook his heads at the sight, almost embarrassed for Onan, standing there naked and faceless and seconds from death.
Oh, well, thought Cosmos. He’ll thank me soon enough, when he’s standing at the pearly gates. Or should I perhaps send this one to Hades for being a total prat? It was a good question, but then all of Cosmos’ questions were good ones, for he was a good questioner, and none could question quite like him. At this, he was without peer. A surreal moment stole over him, and he gazed up at the blue sky through the shattered roof. With a frown, he shook his heads; it was just a little déjà vu…
MOSES & THE CAPRICIOUS GOD
(EXODUS 4:24–27 FLASH PARODY)
And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, “Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.” So he let him go: then she said, “A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.”
And the Lord said to Aaron, “Go into the wilderness to meet Moses.” And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.
God, being unhappy with Moses for having not gone through with the circumcision ritual for his son, went to the inn where Moses was staying with his wife Zipporah and their elder son Eliezer, with the express intention of killing Moses.
When God burst into their room and held his hand up to smite Moses, the astute Zipporah quickly ran to her son (who conveniently happened to be standing in their room naked) and sliced off his foreskin, then threw the bloody flap of skin at her husband.
To them both, she said, “There. Are you happy now? You can stop your pissing contest.” She turned then on God, and the sarcasm in her voice was ripe as she added, “I’m very sorry we forgot to perform the circumcision years ago but, you know, what with my husband being so dedicated to doing things in your name all the time—”
God held up his hands and said, “All right, woman! You win. I won’t kill Moses, just as long as he does me one more favour: he must go into the wilderness and climb the Mountain of Me…”
Moses, who didn’t need another hint, bolted out of the room and ran into the wilderness towards Mount Horeb.
Eliezer, who was now kneeling in a small puddle of his own blood, his hands held to his mutilated privates, said, “You know, it might have been nice if someone had bothered asking me if I wanted my foreskin cut off.”
And God said, “But no-one did ask you. Besides, you should be grateful I haven’t inquired as to why you were standing around in your parents room totally naked with your tackle on display.”
“Fair point,” mumbled Eliezer.
God then went to Moses’ brother, Aaron, and said, “Moses is waiting for you at the Mountain of Me, far from the prying eyes of that harridan Zipporah.”
Aaron grinned and thanked God, then raced off into the wilderness. When he found his brother, he embraced Moses and kissed him on the lips.
Moses pulled away. “What are you doing?”
“It’s okay,” Aaron said, sidling up to Moses. “God told me you were waiting for me. Oh, Moses, I’m so happy! All these years—”
“Ah,” Moses muttered, warding off Aaron’s advances, “I’m sorry, brother, but I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding…”
DEUTERONOMY COMMANDMENTS EXPLAINED
Most people are familiar, at least in part, with the Ten Commandments listed in Exodus 20, but how many people have heard of Deuteronomy 22’s Commandments? Read on, and find out why no one is really talking about them, for reasons of mundanity, ridiculousness and disgust.
The first twelve ‘verses’ of Deuteronomy 22 are mostly trivial and self-evident affairs, so much so that you might wonder why they’re worth mentioning at all, but still they provide a few moments of amusement. And perhaps that was the original point.
Verses 1-4 all deal with finding, returning, looking after or assisting with lost or injured oxen, sheep, donkeys, cloaks and any other possessions belonging to others. All good advice.
Verse 5 takes the leap from being nice to being utterly intolerant. It says women and men must not wear one another’s clothes, because God detests such actions and considers anyone who practices them to be abominations. Eddie Izzard, you fantastic and hilarious man, here’s another reason to stay well clear of the Great Fictitious Bearded One.
Verses 6-7 deal with birds’ nests and their contents. If you find a nest, you may take the young chicks or eggs but you must leave the mother alone. Apparently, taking the young will grant you a longer life.
Verse 8 is a Health & Safety Commandment. It says you must build a battlement around the roof of your house, so that anyone working up there who slips doesn’t fall off the edge and die. Of course, it seems less concerned about the worker than it does about the house-owner, as the battlements are more a ward against the ‘guilt of bloodshed’ the man of the house could feel if someone falls to their death while fixing his roof.
Verse 9 warns against defiling vineyards by planting different seeds together. Reasonably good advice that most winemakers, farmers, etc. already know
Verse 10 tells you not to yoke an ox and a donkey together for ploughing crops.
Verses 11-12 are about fashion advice. You must not use wool and linen together for the making of a single garment, and you must add tassels to each o
f the four corners of your garment.
Deuteronomy 22:13-30 are convoluted and pernickety messes about marriage, rape, virginity and infidelity, and they are utterly awful. Read on at your own risk, for here be dragons.
Verses 13-21 are about a man accusing his wife of not being a virgin before their first sexual coupling. Upon such accusation, the poor girl’s parents have to take the ‘tokens of the damsel’s virginity’ to the elders at the city gates. To clarify: the parents must show the elders the bed sheet their daughter and her husband lay on during their first sexual encounter, because the sheet will either be stained with the blood from the girl’s torn hymen, or it won’t be. Simple, and sick. If the man is found to be lying, he must pay the father of his wife a hundred silver shekels for bad-mouthing a girl of the city. But if the man was telling the truth, the girl must be stoned to death by the men of the city for being a slut.
Verse 22 says that if a man is caught having sex with another man’s wife, then the man and woman must be stoned to death. This expands on the “Thou shalt not commit adultery” Commandment in Exodus 20.
Verses 23-24 say if a virgin who is due to be married gets raped within the confines of the city, and doesn’t cry out during the attack, and they are discovered, then they must both be stoned to death. Deuteronomy 25-27 stipulate that a rape in the wilderness, out of earshot, as it were, is a get-out clause for the molested woman. The presumption is that she cried out but no one was around to hear her. A bit like a tree.
Verses 28-29 say if a man rapes a virgin not betrothed to wed, he must pay her father fifty silver shekels and wed the girl, and must stay wed to her all of his life. So if a man rapes a young virgin, the law orders him to pay a small fine to her father, and to marry her. Sounds like a rapist’s wildest dream. He gets to marry the girl and visit unto her a lifetime’s worth of sexual violation. What profound sickness.
