Black Regrets

by C. J. Thomas

  “Have you tried calling?” I asked, staring at the knobs on the radio.

  “Many times.”

  I couldn’t believe he hadn’t heard the news, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him what had happened, either. I shouldn’t be the one. It was too devastating, and I wasn’t known for being graceful when it came to discussing things as sensitive as death.

  “She’s probably just busy.”

  He let out a visible sigh.

  “My boyfriend took me to a nightclub the other night,” I began, hoping to cut through the fluff. “It wasn’t the one you took me to that one time, what was the name?”

  His eyes found me in the mirror. “The one with the girls?”

  “Yes.” My voice floated to the front of the car. “That’s the one.”

  “Echo.”

  “Right.” I clenched my side as a sudden chill zipped down my spine. “Echo. Anyway, speaking of the place, have you taken any girls there this week?”

  Lucky lifted his gaze to the mirror and eyed me suspiciously.

  “Because I called my mom for the first time in forever today, and she asked what it was I did for a living.”

  Rolling my eyes, I still couldn’t believe Mom caught me off guard like that. What was I supposed to say? That I was working under a Madam getting paid an incredible sum to sell my body to the highest suitor? Oh, and to top it off, I actually like the man that had bought me?

  Mom wouldn’t want to hear it. She wouldn’t understand. But telling her that I had a law degree and wasn’t using my education wasn’t any better.

  Lucky slowed to make a turn. “Do they live nearby?”

  With thoughts of Dad and his battle with ALS I said, “They do. Just south of here, actually.”

  “Why haven’t you spoken with them until today if they live so close?”

  I debated telling Lucky that my parents hurt me as a child. That their decisions made it impossible to live at home. I wanted to tell him that when I finally had the guts to leave home, I left full of anger. And those same feelings of guilt and shame still weighed on me heavily today. But, in the end, I didn’t say any of those things. All I said was, “It’s complicated.”

  Lucky checked his mirrors and made another turn.

  Rubbing my upper arms, I hugged myself, smoothing down my gooseflesh. Memories of the times I was raped filled me with renewed rage. My hands were clammy and I felt numb. And just the mere thought of what happened to me made me not care what I was doing for Madam. She owned me. Held my fate inside her hands. And if I died from this experience, so be it. I had nothing to lose. Sometimes death seemed like it would be a welcome relief.

  Silence filled the car as I stared out my window attempting to clear my mind from all the thoughts racing around my head. Lucky kept to himself, even keeping the radio turned off.

  We were weaving through the industrial area, crossing train tracks and passing in the shadows of dilapidated buildings. It was dirty, isolated, and gross. The only reminder that beauty even existed somewhere nearby was the smell of the salty ocean air swatting against my nose.

  I couldn’t stop from wondering where the hell Madam was taking me today. And who she was having me meet. This was so out of the ordinary it had me filled with jitters.

  “Is your family here or still in Africa?” I asked to distract myself from thinking too much into what was waiting for me on the other side. This package, Tonya, and what Madam did to get Kelly to blackmail Parker were enough to make me believe I’d lost my freedom the moment I signed up to be an escort.

  “Africa.” Lucky’s eyes smiled. “Four years it’s been since I last seen them.”

  My chest squeezed. “That must be hard.”

  “Life is full of hardships,” he said quickly.

  It was like he was speaking directly to me. Knew what I was struggling with myself and could hear my thoughts rambling on with confusion. Because he was right. Life was a bitch.

  “How long has it been for you?” he asked.

  “Much longer than that.” I turned my gaze out the window.

  My spirit filled with uncertainty. I had lost my wings and wondered when the dark cloud overhead would lift.

  Playing with the necklace Kelly had given me, I slid it back and forth around my neck.

  I honestly believed Kelly had my best interests in mind. But Angel was right. What was I going to do when our thirty day contract came to a close? She didn’t need to remind me that my thirty days with Kelly was approaching the end. I was keeping tabs myself. Wrestling with the possibility of being forced to move onto someone else the moment Madam decided I was ready.

  And it worried me—terrified me.

  But no matter what happened, I couldn’t just leave Kelly without letting him know how important he was to me. He had me living inside his apartment. My things were there. We were so much more than when we started, and I liked knowing that I was safe when with him. He was everything to me and that was what made our situation so much more fucked up than it already was.

  My lips curled with warm feelings as I thought about all the reasons I was falling for Kelly.

  But there were still concerns.

  Angel’s warnings about me traveling down the wrong path—the same path Tonya walked—left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. The contract was the moat around our castle. It kept us safe. Sheltered from the threats of war approaching. And with the walls closing in around us, I wondered how we were ever going to survive the attack when it finally did arrive—if it hadn’t already.

  Sinking deeper into my seat, I fell into a dark depression.

  It seemed as if I couldn’t win. No matter what I did to stop the inevitable, I felt like I had already lost.

  Glancing at the package, I realized I knew too much.

  Had seen too much.

  And with that knowledge ingrained inside my head—and impossible to erase—it was important that I came to terms with knowing that I was now a liability to Madam’s entire operation and she could do with me as she pleased.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the muscles in my face twitch.

  And just like anyone with a lot to lose, nothing stood in Madam’s way.

  Biting back a scream building inside my chest, I couldn’t stop thinking how Madam chose me. Kept eyes on me. Refusing future deliveries would be impossible. And I didn’t want to discover how she would react if, or when, I did disobey a direct order—especially now that I could safely assume she was somehow behind Tonya’s murder.

  But, god, I needed to end this. And soon.

  Lucky drove in silence and I could tell he was deep in thought.

  I felt sorry for him as Maria’s and Tonya’s faces plagued my thoughts. It was the calm before the storm. And I could only hope that when he learned of Tonya’s death he would grieve and not react—take the higher road.

  When our eyes met in the rearview mirror I smiled and turned away with thoughts drifting back to Kelly.

  His connection to Madam still baffled me. Their partnership seemed most odd. He didn’t seem like the person to have it in him to work for someone like her. But, then again, who was I to judge? I raised my hand and willingly volunteered to join her ranks before knowing the facts. It was a spur of the moment decision and one I was now beginning to regret.

  Pulling my phone out from my tote, I debated texting Kelly just to tell him I missed him. But after a minute of going back and forth in my mind, debating the pros and cons, I chose not to. It wasn’t worth complicating our relationship more than it already was. Not until he could give me some kind of reassurance that we had a chance to remain a couple—that we could survive without the oversight of Madam—even after our thirty days were up.

  If that was something he wanted.

  I closed my eyes and traced the marks on my body left over from Kelly’s sexual exhibition. The bruises were signs of control, possessiveness, and trust. All the feelings that made me feel whole. I was healing, but I wanted more. Knowing that when I was w
ith him, I could escape all the problems in my life.

  Suddenly, I felt the car slow to a stop.

  Taking in a deep breath of air, I feared that I’d made a grave mistake when taking over Alex’s debt. It had brought me Kelly, yes. But it had also exposed me to so much more pain than I otherwise would have had.

  Lucky put the car in park and turned to glance over his shoulder.

  “Keep calling your girl.” I slid to the window. “Don’t give up, okay?”

  He nodded. “And you keep talking with your parents, okay?”

  I smiled before gathering my things and stepping out. Perhaps Lucky was right. Family could be my saving grace, after all. All I needed to do was keep the conversation alive.

  18

  Kelly

  My fingers drummed on my thigh as my foot bounced.

  Thinking the Madam had played me, I reached to my pocket to double check the address.

  It was here. The place Madam said I would find Kendra. Except she wasn’t here, and the place was crickets.

  Tipping forward I glanced out each of my windows, then in the mirrors. The shipping yard played with my imagination as gulls flew above, squawking, as if mocking me for believing Madam would ever tell me the whereabouts of Kendra’s next delivery after what she did to have me get Tonya killed.

  When my mind should have been on Kendra, all I could think about was Blake Stone.

  Stone was the mastermind behind trafficking cocaine from South America into southern California. Through a sophisticated operation, he’d managed to flood the market and, with it, exploded his net worth in a matter of months. Once he got rolling, there was no stopping him. He quickly went from being a no name to being someone to keep your eye on. A true mover and shaker in an industry generally suspicious of outsiders.

  But, in the end, it was his greed that brought him down. The same loss of perception I could now see flashing in the eyes of Madam.

  Thinking I heard a car coming, I twisted around in my seat to look out the back window.

  Holding my breath, I waited.

  Praying it would be Kendra, it didn’t take me long to realize that it wasn’t anything but my own imagination playing tricks on me.

  Why did Madam have Kendra coming all the way out here for? She had to be further along in taking over the gap Stone left behind than I had thought. It was the only explanation.

  My stomach churned as the uneasy feeling grew.

  I didn’t like anything about this. Not where I was. Not what Madam had Kendra doing. And I certainly didn’t like the power and control Madam had over the decisions we made.

  “Fuck!” I slammed my hand down on the wheel.

  Reaching across the dash, I popped open the glovebox. Digging under the car registration and insurance papers, I quickly found my cold pistol waiting to tempt me with death.

  The seat caught me as I relaxed back into it and I set the gun in my lap. Stroking my finger over the metal, I immediately thought of Nora. A feeling of emptiness washed over me, realizing that one pull of the trigger would set me free.

  I clenched my jaw in anger.

  Madam thought she’d been the one to save me. The one to have picked me up. She gave me purpose. I’d let her have that. But Kendra gave me reason to live.

  I swung out the cylinder, making sure the weapon was loaded.

  It was strange looking down the muzzle without having urges of wanting to stick it in my mouth and pull the trigger. Even with my feelings deceiving me into believing Maria and Tonya were somehow my fault, Kendra kept me from wanting to die. As long as she was around, I could get through the toughest of challenges. But our time was nearing an end, and that was what had me most scared. Because who knew what I would choose to do then.

  Lifting my hips, I stuck the gun in my belt just as a small sedan pulled up.

  Keeping a close eye on it, I carefully watched from the sidelines with an anxious heart.

  Suddenly, the back door opened and my breath was taken away.

  It was her. Kendra. And she looked amazing.

  Madam hadn’t lied. But was it still a set up?

  As soon as the sedan drove away, I stepped out and hurried to catch up to her. Her long dark hair blew off her shoulders and her hips swayed seductively. Without her knowing I was there, I called out to her as I approached. “Bella.”

  She stopped and turned.

  Her jades widened as she looked around nervously. “Kelly, what are you doing here?”

  Taking her by her hand, I said, “We have to leave.”

  “What are you talking about? I can’t just leave,” she protested.

  Tightening my grip, I countered, “You can’t go forward with delivering that package.”

  Her brows pinched.

  “It’s too dangerous.” I pulled on her arm, beginning to backpedal toward my car. “Look, I don’t have time to explain. Trust me on this.”

  Nodding, she submitted to my trust. Her heels clacked over the pavement and once we were at my car, I opened the passenger door and forced her inside.

  Kendra was still arguing with me when I fell into the driver seat. “You don’t understand, Kelly. If I don’t make this drop, I’m going to find myself in hot water.”

  The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. Glancing around, I reached for the keys still dangling in the ignition. “You’re already in hot water.”

  “This is my job—” She paused. Then she turned to me with dark eyes and asked, “How did you know where I was?”

  Staring over the hood, I murmured, “You told me about the deliveries.”

  Her eyes closed as she shook her head. “I didn’t tell you about this.”

  We shared a glance.

  “Maxwell,” she whispered.

  She wasn’t entirely wrong about that. Except Maxwell didn’t know about her coming all the way out here. “He didn’t tell me about this. Madam did.”

  Kendra’s brows shot to the top of her head.

  I nodded once, fearing that if we didn’t leave now we would soon be met by something much worse.

  “What has you spooked?” Kendra twisted in her seat to square her shoulders with me. “Is it Tonya? Because I know what you did to blackmail Parker.”

  Putting the car in drive, I eased my foot off the brake and started to roll. “I didn’t kill her,” I whispered as my ribs began strangling my heart.

  “No, but you might as well have.”

  Kendra’s words were like a knife to an artery. I was conscious and awake, but my body went cold as I bled out. How could she blame me for Tonya’s death? She had no right. The details of what she knew were obscured by whatever propaganda Madam fed her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Kelly, if you don’t let me hand this over,” she waved the package in my face, “you might as well have me killed, too.”

  Slamming on the brakes, I lunged for the package. Tearing it open, time slowed to a crawl as we both watched hundred-dollar bills fly through the inside of my car. “This money is what will have you killed,” I yelled.

  Kendra hurried to collect what bills she could, but they were everywhere. In the front seat and back. On the dash, to the floor. Finally giving up, she crossed her arms over her chest and adopted a sullen look as she huffed, “First Angel. Now you, too?”

  Slamming my fist against the side door, I couldn’t believe my ears. “You talked to Angel?”

  Kendra’s eyes knowingly flickered.

  “Fuck.” I shoved my fingers through my hair. “You weren’t supposed to talk to her without me.” Turning to face her, I said, “Why did you do that?”

  “She came to me.”

  Taken back, I did a double take. “Angel can’t be trusted.”

  “I’m not so sure about that.”

  “What makes you doubt me?”

  “She tried to convince me that I shouldn’t be making these deliveries for Madam.” Kendra collected a few bills off her lap. “And the fact that you’re here now,”
she glanced at me, “makes me think she might be right.”

  “Bella, Angel isn’t who she says she is,” I appealed.

  A pensive expression lined her face. “Who is she then, Kelly? Because I would like to know.”

  My shoulders tightened as I froze.

  I feared that Sylvia was behind Kendra’s meeting with Angel. I could still hear Sylvia’s threat that all who were pursuing justice for Maria would soon be silenced. And now that Kendra had spoken with Angel, Kendra met those requirements. Her name was added to the kill list of those needing to be silenced, too.

  Rubbing my hand over my face, it all made sense. Sylvia knew I was gunning for her. And if she was able to get to Kendra, she would strike where it hurt me most—Kendra—getting me to back off the case.

  “There is more to what is going on then you even realize,” I murmured.

  Kendra turned her head away and pulled her ponytail tight. “Are you worried about me?”

  Reaching across the console, I took her hand inside of mine. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  She turned to look at me with wet eyes.

  Leaning over, she took my face inside her hands and said, “I promise you won’t.”

  But she didn’t know everything. With stakes as high as they were, there was no way to guarantee any of us would be alive by the time this was all over.

  19

  Kendra

  The backs of my eyes were swollen with the threat of spilling tears.

  I promised Kelly something I shouldn’t have.

  My life wasn’t guaranteed.

  He knew it better than I, the truth of that statement.

  We could both feel the pressure mounting, but we were too afraid to come out and say it. And maybe that was because we were both receiving pressure from different sources. Or, perhaps, I just wanted to believe our lives were more intertwined than they actually were.

  I sucked in a deep breath. No matter how much that last thought hurt to think, I refused to cry.

  My thoughts were scattered, too excited to think after having Kelly surprise me with his arrival just before I was to deliver the package I was most nervous to distribute.