Black Regrets

by C. J. Thomas

  “That’s not what I’m doing.”

  “Then what are you doing?”

  “Letting you know that Madam is purposely putting you in harm’s way.”

  I turned my head away, feeling the frustration bubble up inside me.

  “I’m not blaming you.” He rooted his hands on top of the counter and tipped his body forward, closer to me.

  “No?” I flashed him a sideways glance. “Because it certainly seems like you are.”

  “Bella, baby—”

  “—don’t Bella, baby me. Tell me straight up. Did Wes murder Maria?”

  He sighed and held my gaze.

  “Why can’t you tell me?” I felt my knees give.

  His eyes hooded. “Because it’s not in your best interest to know.”

  “Fine.” I leaned my hip against the edge of the counter. “Then let’s talk about you having a son.”

  Visible pain crinkled his eyes as his entire body crumbled beneath his expensive suit.

  “A fucking son!” I slammed my fist down next to my mug. The water spilled over the sides but I refused to look anywhere but at him.

  The whites in his eyes grew and his nostrils flared. “Madam told you this, didn’t she?”

  “I fucking knew it.” I rubbed my forehead.

  Kelly reached across the counter and grabbed me by the arm. “Was she the one to tell you about my old life?”

  “Not quite,” I whimpered. “But she might as well have.”

  Kelly’s stance widened as he released his fingers from around my arm. A stillness fell over him as he turned his back and hung his head.

  “I found a photo of you the other day.” My voice was sharp and light. “You were with Nora and Kaycee.”

  Kelly dragged his feet across the floor as he made his way to the living room before collapsing onto the couch.

  “The three of you were at a funeral.”

  Unable to look at me, Kelly was absolutely broken, destroyed. And here, all this time, I thought I was the broken one when it was he who was shattered.

  “Kelly, be honest with me.” I padded across the trail he had left over the floor. “I’m here to help.”

  He sat there unresponsive, deaf to the world around him.

  “Please, Kelly.” I approached him slowly. “Tell me. I want to know what your life was like when you were a husband. A father.”

  Slowly, he lifted his head and cleared his throat.

  “Did Nora kill herself for something you did?”

  Behind red eyes, he nodded, confirming everything I hoped wouldn’t be true.

  Then I glanced to my wrist, thinking how it wasn’t until I met him that I thought about taking my own life.

  “Sit.” His large hand circled the cushion next to him. “And I’ll tell you everything.”

  34

  Kelly

  The wind was knocked out of me.

  I had never wanted a drink more in my life than I did at that moment.

  I was angry, anxious, and terrified of learning how Kendra would react to the news.

  Her question was bold, invigorating and had me questioning the reason I responded to her at all. She’d called me out on something no one else had ever done before. She knew more than any other woman I was with after Nora. And even though it hurt to nod my head, she was right. Nora was dead because of what I did to get our son killed.

  “Kelly, baby, oh no.” Kendra slid her hand over the nape of my neck soon after she agreed to sit next to me.

  “I killed her.” My voice cracked as it passed over my lips. “She’s dead because of my actions.”

  Kendra stared at me with fire burning in her beautiful green eyes. Feeling my skin prickle in disbelief, I distracted my emotions by allowing myself to get lost in her amazing body.

  I followed her curves to the floor, then back up again as I thought how what I said next might change our relationship forever. She didn’t give me away out. And I couldn’t lie to her. She knew more about what happened than I was ever comfortable admitting even to myself. And I knew it had to be because of what Madam decided to tell her. Madam was the only other person in the entire world who could have known my deepest secret that ruined me.

  When Kendra pulled her hand away, I wanted to reach for it. Put it back where she had her fingers threading through my hair, kneading her nails over my nape. But I couldn’t. Instead, I was frozen. I felt completely alone and afraid to face what came next.

  “Don’t leave me,” I said.

  “Kelly, I’m not going anywhere.” Kendra’s hands were in her lap.

  “That’s not what I’m talking about.”

  She gave me a questioning look.

  “I’m talking about this,” I murmured, lifting her left wrist up. “I can’t lose you like I lost Nora.”

  Kendra’s cheeks flushed as she dropped her gaze. Peeling my fingers off of her, she turned her wrists in and pulled her sleeves over her hands.

  “I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t have a way out.” I watched her chest rise and fall in shallow breaths as I confessed my own undoing. “I’ve been there. Many times.”

  Kendra’s pulse ticked in her neck and she could barely look me in the eye.

  “Nora overdosed on opiates.”

  Kendra’s lips flattened as she listened.

  “She made the decision without warning and I was the one to find her.”

  “I remember the nightmare,” Kendra murmured. “But why do people say you killed her?”

  “Because of what I did before that.”

  Her eyes zigzagged over my face as she pressed her palms together, squeezing them between her thighs.

  “I made a mistake. What I did was unforgivable. Something I can never take back.”

  Her face paled as she pulled her elbows into her sides, making her appear even smaller than she actually was.

  “Alcohol.” I paused as Kendra’s brows knitted. “It used to be my thing. I wasn’t a drunk, but I didn’t stop at just one, either.” I laughed as memories flooded my head. “God, did I enjoy the occasional drink. Loved to party.”

  Kendra’s smile never hit her eyes, but her lips could have fooled me into thinking she was genuinely amused. Though she didn’t show it, I knew she was anxious to hear more.

  “We had a son,” I continued. “He was beautiful, energetic. And all boy.” I turned my head over to look at Kendra, feeling the pride I once felt every day—proud to be Patrick’s father—fill my chest. “Jumping. Wrestling. You name it. He was into it all.”

  Feeling dizzy, I slumped further down into the couch and sat with my hands gripping my kneecaps. The weight of knowing that I would never have the chance to speak with either Patrick or Nora again pressed my shoulders down, threatening to stop my heart for good.

  “A month before Nora decided to take her own life—” I squeezed my eyes closed and pinched my tear ducts, hoping that I could stop myself from crying before they really started to spill.

  Kendra must have seen the look on my face, the immense guilt I was feeling, because not long after that I felt her take my hand inside of hers. Threading her other arm through the crook of mine, she let her head fall to my shoulder.

  A comforting relief swept over me knowing that I wasn’t alone. She was here. Wanting to be by my side even when I knew she had so much doubt swirling around questions of who I was.

  My mouth opened, then closed.

  I couldn’t stop licking my lips. They were so dry, and each time I was about to speak my lips snapped shut again. The words were there but, for whatever reason, I couldn’t find the strength to continue, knowing that once I heard it my entire world would crumble with it.

  Then, out of nowhere, I said, “I killed our son.”

  Kendra’s gasp was what first did me in. I couldn’t see her face, but I could feel how her body was pulled into a tight little ball next to me. She trembled behind her sniffles and I heard her whimpers as she cried along with me.

  “I had picke
d him up from a friend’s house.” My eyes were open, but I was lost in my head, reliving the first worst day of my life. “Nora was running late that day, busy with a new client, and had asked if I could pick him up before dinner.”

  Kendra’s fingers closed and gripped my shirt as I talked.

  “I should have never done it.” Suddenly, the tears were gone, replaced only by the deep pangs of regret I hoped I would never stop feeling. “I was at the bar when Nora called—” I paused to wipe my cheeks dry.

  “Then what happened?”

  “I picked him up.” My eyes widened and my chin trembled. “A few miles down the road, we were in car accident.”

  Without looking at me, Kendra asked, “Were you drunk?”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t think I was. It all happened so fast.”

  “Shit, I’m so sorry, Kelly.” Kendra turned and pressed her palm into the side of my face. “I feel guilty for having drank around you. It must be awful to be around alcohol, having it remind you each time what happened to Patrick.”

  “I should have been convicted of vehicular homicide.”

  Her eyes were wet as she shared in my pain. “But you weren’t.”

  “I was never charged.”

  Kendra’s brows pinched.

  Rolling my gaze over to hers, I said, “Madam got me off. Made the paperwork disappear.”

  She pulled back with an unfocused gaze.

  “She saved my career, and now I’m forever in her debt.”

  “Oh, my God, Kelly. You should have told me this. I could have helped.”

  “I live with the guilt every single day.”

  I could see recognition flash across Kendra’s eyes as everything suddenly came together for her. “And that’s why Nora killed herself?”

  Nodding, I said, “Three weeks later, Nora decided that the pain of knowing Patrick was never coming back was too much for her. That month I lost everything I’d ever loved.”

  Kendra crawled up my body and flung her leg over my waist, straddling me. Taking my face between her hands, she tilted her head and lowered her lips to mine. She kissed me gently at first, then demanded entrance. Parting my lips, I flicked my tongue against hers in passionate strokes that let me know that I was still alive and needing to focus my attention on her and what was still living. “I’m here for you, Kelly.”

  “I know.” My fingers dug into her hips as I positioned her over my hardness. “But Madam is deep in both our lives and she’s determined to break us apart, choosing to use our pasts against us.”

  Kendra looked down and ran her hand through her hair.

  “Hey.” I cupped the back of her skull, bringing her focus back to my eyes. “We don’t have to let her control us. It doesn’t have to be like this.”

  She gave me a sideways glance.

  “What is it?”

  “There is something you should know, Kelly.”

  I leaned forward, bringing her with me.

  “Madam didn’t tell me about where Maria’s body was found.”

  Confusion lined my brow. “Then who did?”

  “Sylvia Neil.”

  35

  Kelly

  I shoved my hand through my hair and paced the room.

  Letting my thoughts swirl between my ears, I tried to make sense of all that Kendra had said. Madam was behind this. It had her name written all over it. She told Kendra about my son, made sure she let Kendra know that Nora killed herself because of what I did. But how did Sylvia fit the equation?

  Turning my gaze back to Kendra, I asked, “When did you see her?”

  Kendra sat on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest. “Today.”

  “Fuck,” I barked. “And you went alone?”

  She nodded behind her big puppy dog eyes that threatened to soften me with a single look in my direction.

  “How did this happen?” I rubbed the back of my neck.

  Kendra dropped her gaze and shook her head. “It never would have if you didn’t stop me from making that drop the other day.”

  I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes.

  She threw up her hands and showed me her palms. “All I’m saying is if it wasn’t for that, then I wouldn’t have had Madam send me to meet up with Sylvia.”

  I stared at nothing in particular for a minute before rolling my neck back to Kendra. “But Sylvia doesn’t work for Madam.”

  Kendra’s head snapped up. “She’ll tell you otherwise.”

  Shaking my head, I wondered how Sylvia managed to sneak her way between Kendra and Madam.

  “Let’s say you’re right.” Kendra tucked her hair behind her ear. “Then how would she know about the deliveries?”

  A grave feeling grew in the pit of my stomach. I feared the worst, thinking back to my conversation with Sylvia the other day. The discussion where she warned me that all who were working on Maria Greer’s case would be silenced. Staring at Kendra, I listened to my heart thrash between my ears, wondering how she managed to walk away from Sylvia at all without getting hurt. “I don’t know,” I whispered.

  “But she’s right about Maria.”

  Slowly, I nodded. “I’m afraid so.”

  Dropping her feet to the floor, she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “Kelly, what is it?”

  Remembering what Wes had said—that only three people knew about where Maria’s body was originally found—I couldn’t stop from thinking how Sylvia knew, too. “The only person who would know the truth of where Maria’s body was found is the killer themselves.”

  “Please tell me it’s not Wes.”

  I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have to say it, but Wes had nothing to do with her death.”

  Kendra’s hand flew over her mouth. Her eyes were wide and terrified.

  Stepping forward, I hid my hands inside my trousers. “Tell me what else Sylvia told you.”

  “Did she kill Maria?”

  I inched closer. “What else did she say?”

  “Oh, my God. She fucking killed her.”

  “I need you to concentrate, Bella. What else did Sylvia tell you?”

  Her eyes danced across the floor as she inhaled a deep breath, trying to recall everything. “She was working on a story.” Her head tipped back and looked me in the eye. “I think it was about you.”

  The dull pain spread behind my eyes.

  “She said she’ll make sure people will blame you for Tonya’s death.” Kendra’s hand couldn’t stop shaking. Then she started to cry. “I wish I had known. I could have done something.”

  Falling to the floor in front of her, I smoothed my hands up her tender thighs. “Did she say anything else?”

  She sniffed and wiped away the tears streaming down her cheeks. “I don’t know. She seemed determined to make sure I knew that she knew Maria’s body was moved from Mint and Wes was responsible for it.”

  The pounding in my ears grew louder.

  Then her eyes locked with mine. “And if you didn’t want to tell me the truth of what you knew, then I should ask about your son.”

  The tips of my fingers dug into her flesh. “You need to stay away from Sylvia.”

  “Kelly, I didn’t know.”

  “It’s all right.”

  “Did she do it? Did she kill Maria?”

  My tongue darted out of my mouth and wet my bottom lip. “I think so.”

  “But you said this before about Nash. Could you be wrong about Sylvia, too?”

  Inside, my emotions raged. But, on the outside, I was calm and collected. “This time it’s different,” I murmured, thinking about the notes I had received.

  “How? How is this different?”

  I caught Kendra’s wrists and pulled them close to my chest.

  “Fuck.” She pulled on her arms but I hung on. “You know something. Something you’re not telling me.”

  Dropping my gaze, I closed my eyes and thought about Parker and Sylvia and what role Madam played in all this. Lifting my chin, I said, “You need to
start trusting me more.”

  “I fucking trust you,” she cried. “Just tell me. I’m next, aren’t I?”

  My eyes were open and I was staring into hers but I couldn’t see past the blurry vision.

  “It makes sense. First some chick named Maria gets chopped, and we both know what happened to Tonya. She died because of yo—”

  I blinked and shook away my tunneled vision. “Because of me.”

  “I didn’t say it.”

  “But it’s what you were going to say.” My face heated with anger.

  “I’m not stupid. I know that my name is up next.” Kendra’s strong spine collapsed. “Angel tells me to be worried, and everyone wants to involve me in these murders. But I didn’t know them. Didn’t have anything to do with them. Until you came along.”

  Scooping my hands under her, I picked her up and settled myself back onto the couch with her sitting on my lap. “It wasn’t my intention to get you involved in any of this.”

  “It’s not your fault.” She draped one arm around my neck and hung off of me. “And I’m not blaming anyone but myself. I just need to know what exactly is happening so I know how best to protect myself.”

  Smoothing my hand over her thigh, I said in a raspy voice, “I’ve warned Giselle to remain vigilant as well.”

  “It’s not only me who they might target?”

  I shook my head. “All I know is that anyone involved in the Maria Greer case is being threatened.”

  She pulled her chin into her neck. “But I’m not involved.”

  “Not directly. But silencing you means silencing me.”

  “Shit.” Her head hit my forehead and she started crying. “I don’t know why I feel this need to listen to anybody but you.”

  Threading my fingers through her long, soft hair cascading down her back, I said, “Because they’re con artists, selling you the story they want you to believe.”

  “But why?” Her arm squeezed tighter around my neck. “Why does anyone care about us?”

  “Because it’s easier for them if we fight ourselves.”

  Kendra’s warm tears pooled on my shoulder as I sat quietly thinking how that was how Madam managed to get Tonya killed. She pinned Parker against me, and then reversed everything back on him. She used us both to do the dirty work for her. That manipulation was exactly what drove me to want to put an end to all this. It was madness. Chaos that needed to stop before someone else was hurt.