by Q. B. Tyler
“They only would as a favor to me, because you’re my girl.” He points at me and then himself.
“Just because you labeled me that doesn’t mean I accept it.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Really, Carter? We’re not together. We mess around sometimes, yes. But I thought we both knew the deal. I’m not…yours.”
Irritation flares in his brown eyes and I note his jaw tick slightly. “Well, what if I want to change the terms?”
I’m starting to think that Carter and I are not going to get out of this room without some sort of mutual destruction, but maybe it’s time to get everything out in the open. “I don’t.”
“Why? Do you know what a power couple we’d make?”
“For what, the summer? As soon as you get to college, you’ll have your pick of women.”
“I don’t want that. I want you and you won’t be that far. We could see each other every weekend. Come on Stassi, you know how I feel about you.”
“I thought…”
“Don’t lie to me,” he states. “You know I’ve had it bad for you since we started whatever this is. I’ve been patient, but…I want more.” He stands and takes a step towards me. I’m not afraid of him even if he does seem sort of drunk, but that doesn’t mean I want to be alone with him under these circumstances either.
I cross my arms over my chest and cock my head to the side. “Meaning you want to fuck me.”
“Why are you so fucking cynical? Maybe I want more than a fuck, Vale.”
“I can’t give you that. At least not now.” Maybe not ever.
“Don’t try to blame your fuckgirl ways on some dead Mommy issues, Stassia, because I call bullshit.”
Fury spikes in my veins and my stomach flips so hard I’m surprised I don’t throw up all over his white carpet. “Are you fucking kidding me? Carter, you’re an asshole. I don’t owe you any explanations as to why I don’t want to fuck you or be with you or anything in between.”
The blow to his ego is written all over his face and I know I’m in for a visceral response. “Where was this energy when your mouth was on my dick?”
I chuckle sarcastically. “I’m not having this argument with you and I’m really glad I saw this side of you before you and I went any further.” I shake my head. “We’re done.”
“Stassi…” He actually has the audacity to reach for my arm and when I turn around to look at him, I see the hurt in his eyes. Too late.
“No. Did you actually think you could guilt me or what, slut shame me into wanting to be with you? And ‘dead Mommy issues?’ Did you honestly say that to me?” I shake my head. “I’m so glad this happened because this made turning you down ten times easier.”
I storm out of his room and down the stairs and out the front door, thankfully without a lot of attention. I’m surprised I don’t feel much over this sort of break up with Carter, especially with how high I’m getting by the second. There’s a group of guys on the porch smoking and they all call different versions of my name as I make my way down the stairs.
“Vale, you bouncing already?” Brax calls out as he follows me into the driveway. He runs a hand through his shaggy blond hair before throwing his baseball hat back on. “You’re not staying? I think Carter was hoping you would.”
“Carter has plenty to keep him entertained tonight.”
“Really? You didn’t strike me as the jealous type. He doesn’t have eyes for Marissa or any of those chicks.” He shakes his head as if he’s trying to convince me. Like I don’t already know.
“I’m not jealous, Brax. I actually want him to move on. I don’t want to be with him.”
“Oh,” he says, pulling the Coors Light beer can to his lips. “Well, that’s different.”
“I wasn’t trying to lead him on. I thought we were just hanging out.”
“I guess…he just thought different. You wear his jersey on game days and sit in his lap whenever you guys are in the same room. I know you guys hook up sometimes. That’s like the universal code of being together in high school, isn’t it?”
“Brax…things…changed, I guess. Call it a change in perspective that comes with losing a parent. I just want more.”
“That’s fair, I guess. I just wish you appreciated what a good guy Carter is and whatever happened that’s making you leave twenty minutes after you got here, I hope you know how much he cares about you.”
The sound of the door opening and someone calling Brax for beer pong interrupts his guilt trip. He nudges my shoulder. “Catch you later, Vale. Text Kate when you get home, I guess.”
I shake my head trying to ignore the thought that I’ll probably be one of the least liked girls at Lakewood after word gets around that I’d jerked Carter around or however he and his boys will see it. Fuck it.
Thank God high school is over
I pull out my phone and just as I’m about to pull up Dominic’s contact, a thought floats through my head. Before I can tell myself I’m not ready to open that door, I press the contact I saved in my phone a few days ago.
I hold my breath as the phone rings and just as I’m about to hang up, he answers and all of the air leaves my lungs.
“Hey, Micah.”
* * *
“Stassi? Wow, I’m surprised to hear from you, especially at ten o’clock at night.” I detect a touch of irritation underneath his shock, but I ignore the feeling that I’m bothering him because he’s been waiting for me to call. Supposedly.
I momentarily forgot how late it is and how high I am, not that I think he’ll be able to tell. “Yeah, uhhh I’m at a friend’s house and…”
“Good for you, Stassi. That’s great to hear. Getting out will do you some good,” he interrupts.
“Right. Well, I just wanted to see if you wanted to come to my graduation next Saturday.”
The silence on the other end is deafening. Did I misread the situation? I thought he wanted a relationship? “Or not, if you’re busy…”
“No no no! I mean, I’ll need to move some things around, but I should be able to make it.”
Busy guy. “Ummm okay, I can text you the details.” I bite my bottom lip already willing this conversation to be over and wishing I’d just called Dominic instead. I should have just left it alone.
“That sounds great. Send it over, but, Stassi, I do have to go. I was in the middle of a meeting with the west coast when you called.” So, I am bothering him. Figures.
“Oh okay.” The thought isn’t lost on me that he hasn’t asked me how I’m holding up or even how I am for that matter.
“It’s not a problem. I’m glad you called Stassi. Now go have fun with your friends. You’re young and you only live once.” His words sting more than anything I’ve heard tonight. This cavalier attitude towards me when I’m still grieving the loss of my mother makes my heart squeeze in my chest.
“Bye, Micah,” I mumble into the phone before hitting the end button and before he can respond. I’ve had three interactions with the opposite sex tonight and all made me want to scream. I can only hope this fourth one won’t do the same, I think as I press the familiar contact.
He answers on the first ring. “Stass? You okay? You’ve only been there like an hour.” The concern in his voice warms me all over and I genuinely smile for the first time since I got to Carter’s house. I don’t realize I haven’t said anything when he speaks again. “What’s wrong, baby? Talk to me.”
Baby? That’s…new.
“Will you just…come get me?”
“I’m on my way.”
“You haven’t said anything since you got in the car; what’s going on Stassi? Did someone mess with you at that party? Whose ass do I have to kick?” My head snaps towards him in shock, as I’ve never known him to inflict violence on anyone, let alone at a party with a bunch of his former students. He’s smiling when I meet his gaze and I realize he’s just trying to lighten the mood.
I let out a deep sigh and rest my head against the he
adrest as I prepare to give him a very watered down version of what happened. My guess is he may actually try to kick Carter’s ass if he knew what really happened. Or call his parents.
“I didn’t want to go in the first place. Kate thought it would be good for me, but I wasn’t into it.”
He nods as he pulls onto the freeway back towards our house. The night is dark, without a star in the sky and I can’t wait to get home and crash. “But you’re okay? No one messed with you?”
“No,” I tell him, without missing a beat.
“I don’t think you’re being honest with me, but you’ll let me know if you can’t handle it?”
“Dominic, I don’t need you to rescue me from a stupid high school boy.”
“Ah, so there was someone.” He points at me before putting his hand back on the steering wheel.
“I can handle it.” And I can. I don’t need Dominic charging in on his white horse because a boy hurt my feelings. Especially when I’m struggling with the thought that maybe I deserved some of his anger. Had I led him on?
“Of course, you can. You can handle anything life throws at you. Just know I’m in your corner if you need me.”
My nose flares like it does when I feel tears coming on but I swallow them down before I can feel that familiar prickle in my scalp. “Can we order pizza when we get home?”
He’s silent for a moment. “So, am I just supposed to pretend you aren’t under the influence of something?”
I freeze in my seat and look around the car, hoping there’s some sort of hint for how to answer his question. “Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss?’”
“Stassia Rae.” His voice is stern but I can hear the humor in it.
“I smoke sometimes. Well, more than sometimes,” I confess.
“I know.”
I gasp. “You know? Did Mom know?”
He shakes his head. “Not that I know of.”
I’m shocked at his answer and even more shocked he didn’t ground me for the rest of my life. “How come you didn’t bust me?”
“I haven’t known for very long. Maybe a few months and then…your mom died, and I didn’t think it was fair to take away something that gave you some peace or relief. That’s probably really shitty parenting. I smoked a ton in college, so I figured even if I did get on you for it now, you’d be right back at it in a few months,” he explains as he pulls into the driveway. He turns the car off but makes no move to get out. “I’m navigating this new norm as best as I can so I’m sure I’ll make some mistakes without your mother’s guidance, but I hope you know I’ll always do right by you.”
“I know.”
“Okay, so pepperoni and green peppers?” he asks in response to my need for pizza.
Dominic went to bed after I got settled and my food arrived, but I, on the other hand, was wide awake and uncomfortably full after eating my weight in pizza. After spending far too much time scrolling through Instagram and watching my entire class get wasted at Carter’s, I decided I was over it. Kate had texted that she would call me in the morning because she wanted to hear my side over what happened which means the Stassia Vale slander had already begun. I’m thinking most won’t give a fuck, or at very least will agree with me that he was acting like a big baby with a bruised ego because I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. But I’m sure his boys have been in his ear that I fucked him over.
It’s nearing midnight when I settle on watching Scream for the hundredth time. I love scary movies. I love the flip in your stomach that comes with watching one. Of course, I’ve long lost that flip with this movie with how many times I’ve seen it. But that doesn’t stop the hairs on the back of my neck from standing on end when something spooks me. I dart my head up off the couch and look behind me towards the kitchen area, but I don’t see anything. I squint, to try and see into the darkness behind me before shaking my head.
I’m totally tripping from that weed. We have a top of the line alarm system and Dominic made sure every window and door is locked every night. I turn back to the TV and just when I’ve settled back under the blankets, I hear someone right behind me.
“BOO!”
I almost fall off the couch with how high I jump, and I scream so loud, I wouldn’t be surprised if the neighbors show up to see if we’re alright. I turn around to see Dominic doubled over in laughter.
“Are you kidding!?” I scream as I try to slow my racing heart by rubbing my chest.
“I’m sorry, Stassi, it was just too easy. You should have seen your face when you were peeking over the couch.” He moves around the couch and drops to the space where I was just lying and props his leg up on the table in front of us. “Why are you watching a slasher movie by yourself at midnight?”
“I’m not scared, and I love this movie.” I place my hands on my hips.
He narrows his eyes and points at me. “You’re scared.”
“Yeah, I’m scared of you sneaking up on me! Who wouldn’t be?”
“Aww,” he pulls me to sit next to him and pinches my cheek. “Poor baby.”
I push away from him despite the fact that he’s warm and comforting and I wouldn’t mind cuddling up against him. “Not funny.”
“It was a little funny,” he chuckles as he puts his thumb and index finger together.
“No.”
“Just a little?”
I roll my eyes at his playfulness when a thought hits me that he may be under the influence of something as well. “Have you been drinking?”
“Nope, I figured I’d take a page out of one of your books tonight.”
“You…smoked?” My eyes are wide in shock that my straight-laced stepfather smoked weed. “Without me?”
Twenty minutes later, Dominic and I are in his bedroom, sitting on his bed passing a joint back and forth. It only took one look and me batting my eyelashes a few times for Dominic to relent to taking a few hits with me. “Where’d you get this?”
“I’m forty-one, I know where to find weed, Stass.”
“Well, excuse me,” I snap my fingers and pull the joint to my lips again. “I’m shocked you can roll a joint too.”
He pulls the joint from my fingers and holds it away from me. “Can we cool it with the insults? This is grade A weed I’m sharing with you.”
“Whatever!” I chuckle as I reach for it. “Gimme.”
“Say please.”
“Please, Daddy.” I put my hands together under my chin like I’m praying and give him my most innocent smile.
The look that flashes through his eyes, however, is far from innocent, but it’s gone as quickly as it appears. He takes another hit and hands it back to me. We do this a few more times and before I know it, I’m lying on his pillow. “That is really good.” I let my eyes flutter closed. “I am high as fuck.”
“Shit, same.” I feel the bed move and when I open my eyes, he’s next to me staring at the ceiling.
“Is it hard?” I ask, my eyes still closed. “Getting over a spouse that dies? I mean like for the next relationship you’re in? It’s not like you had a nasty break up or hated each other. Life forced you apart. Well…I guess death to be more specific. It must be hard for the new woman you’re seeing? Competing with the memory of a dead woman who probably did no wrong?” I ramble, and when I open my eyes, he’s staring at me.
“Why do you ask?”
“I was just wondering…”
“Honestly, Stassi, I don’t see myself getting serious again.”
“Ever?”
“Ever.”
“But you’re so young.” And kind and considerate and you have so much love to give.
“Exactly. I’ve been married twice and they both died. I’m too young to feel like everyone I love, I lose.”
Shit, that’s deep. “Dominic, it’s not you. You know that, right? It’s sad and unfortunate but they were both in car accidents. One involving a drunk driver and one involving inclement weather. There’s nothing you could have done.”
> “It doesn’t stop the words in my head telling me I could have done more. I should have done more.”
I prop myself up on one elbow. “You don’t believe that.”
“Stassi, a mind in mourning is complicated. There’s guilt, resentment, anger, relief, and that’s all before you’re fully awake in the morning. I can tell myself it’s not my fault but it doesn’t stop the pain in my heart every time I think about your mom or even…Tessa.”
My heart races hearing his first wife’s name but I don’t know why. Maybe because he didn’t talk about her much and I feel like I’m getting an inside look to this part of his life he’s kept away from me until now.
“I don’t know much about your first wife…”
“We dated in college, got married right after we graduated. Not much to tell.”
“I mean…did you love her…more than you loved my mom? Was it weird when you started dating my mom?” I hold my breath as I prepare for his answer.
He squeezes his eyes shut. “I don’t want to have this conversation, Stass.”
“Why? It’s not like she’ll ever know. I was just wondering.”
“I loved them both in different ways. With Tessa, everything was one hundred miles an hour. We were still partying hard every weekend. Staying up all night. Smoking. Drinking. We did this well into our thirties. Then I got tired, but she kept at it. It was hard to keep going to class to teach on Monday morning after I’d just come off a two day bender,” he explains.
“Sounds like you grew up and she didn’t.”
“I guess,” he sighs. “And then I met your mom and she was obviously so settled because she had you. But she was just so sure about everything. She’d just started interning at the hospital when we met. She was so positive and understanding. She was like a ray of sunshine in my darkest days. I was still so devastated over Tessa and she was just there. You were too young to notice but I swear she spent the first year of our relationship healing me.”
My mother in a nutshell: everyone came before her.
“Fuck, I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this.” He presses his hands to his face and scrubs his jaw. “I need to go to sleep.”
