by T Gray
We joined Danny and Aaron again, but as much as I tried to feel better, I couldn’t. Even Aaron’s crude comments and “accidental” grazes did nothing to improve my mood.
I looked over at the table where Jake was sitting, but they were gone, and so was my resolve. I pretended that I was so drunk, I had to get home before I got sick, begging Issy to leave. I doubt she bought it, but to her credit, she took me home anyway. Turns out, Issy was a pretty good friend after all.
The shower did little to drown my tears as I tried to scrub my body clean of the disgust I felt for it. Nothing helped. I closed my eyes. I knew what would help…I just didn’t want to do it. I had been making it months without an episode…now it was barely weeks.
After the last time, I realized that I had to be more careful with a shared kitchen. I had bought food just in case and hid it in my closet. Until this moment, I had forgotten it was there. Two weeks of binging on Jake had cured me of any desire to binge on food, but Jake was an illusion. He was like two sides of a coin, and with each flip, you didn’t know which you would get. I locked my door, turned on some music and pulled the box down from the closet. I wanted things to make sense, to match the expectations I had for them. I couldn’t control Jake or his feelings for me, but this…this…I could control. Or at least that’s what I told myself when I took the first bite.
My depression felt even more constricting when I woke up Friday morning. Class was definitely not happening. I’d just get the notes later. My head was throbbing from the dehydration I knew I was facing after last night’s ordeal.
I checked my bathroom again to make sure all the evidence was gone and re-hid the food and wrappers in my closet. I knew I needed some healthy coping this morning and resolved to go on a run as soon as my headache died down.
Issy was in the kitchen making her hangover juice and looked up at me when I walked in. “Wow, you look better then I expected,” she said surprised.
“What do you mean?”
“I heard you yakking all night. I almost came in to check on you. I really didn’t think you were telling the truth when you said you didn’t feel well, but wow, was I wrong. Girl, you are a light weight!”
I was frozen in time…she had heard me. My need to protect myself took over every instinct in my body, and I was able to lie to her without any of my usual constraints.
“I know. I’ve never been so sick. What was in those shots?” I paused for dramatic effect and sat down. “There’s no way. Had to be something I ate yesterday.”
“Well, whatever it was…I don’t want it. So take your juice and go on your crazy run, and don’t come back until you can promise I won’t be doing the same thing tomorrow night!” I looked at Issy as she disappeared and thought, Don’t worry, someone like you will never have to do what I did last night. She had it all.
After several glasses of water and Issy’s famous hangover juice (I really had to get that recipe), I felt good enough to go on a long run. Danny and Aaron were just pulling up when I started running. They honked at me and I stopped by the car, leaning into their opened window.
“You feeling better?” Danny asked looking concerned.
I could feel my face burning as I lied again. “Yes, I guess I just ate something that didn’t settle in my stomach. So, did you have fun last night?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. Issy had been very attentive to him all night.
“Why? Did she say anything?” Danny pressed, unable to hide the smile on his face.
I held in a laugh and immediately felt guilty remembering Issy’s words. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed Danny on her. “Sorry Danny, but if it makes you feel any better, Issy never talks about guys.”
He looked disappointed and Aaron leaned over him to look at me. “How far you running today?”
“As far as it takes to clear my head,” I answered honestly before I could stop myself. “I’ll catch you guys later.”
I took the route around the campus lake and just did an easy pace. It hit me on the trail how disappointed I was with myself. I had walked into this year confident and strong. I had gone months without throwing up and was at the top of my class. Now, I was barely hanging on in two classes and one of them felt like a lost cause. My confidence was shot, and I had deluded myself into believing that an incredibly hot, kind and extraordinary man was falling for me just because he told me a few of his secrets. I wasn’t strong…I was desperate. I shook my head, disgusted, wanting nothing more than to escape my body.
I passed by the playground that marked the halfway point and stopped. I used to love to swing as a kid. It would make me feel so alive and untouchable. I found an open one in the middle and just started moving back and forth. It was slow and methodical at first, but with each pump, I felt my adrenalin start to increase.
“I thought I might find you here,” a voice said behind me. I just kept swinging not wanting to acknowledge the source. He was quiet for a long time, just watching me and then finally spoke up, “So, you’re not going to talk to me? Get my side of the story?”
I slowed down enough to look at him, knowing full well I was wearing all my emotions on my face despite my efforts to hide it. “Not if it’s a story. I think I’ve had enough fairy tales for a while.”
“Always so witty,” he said smirking, shaking his head. “Seriously, come talk to me. I don’t like feeling this way.”
It should be illegal the effect Jake had on me, because despite my inner alarm screaming at me to walk away, I sat down next to him on the picnic table.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. She doesn’t mean anything. I go out with these girls to keep up the appearance, that’s all. I’m known as a player, and I like that. It keeps my life simple.”
I didn’t say anything, just kept kicking at the patch of grass I had almost dislodged from the ground.
“I was surprised you didn’t say anything when you saw us,” he went on.
“Why?”
“Well, most girls would have said something. Some try to play it cool, others lose their temper. But you…total silence. I wasn’t expecting that.”
I was struck by the fact that this situation was a common occurrence for him. “What were you expecting, Jake? I’m not the kind of girl who throws a temper tantrum in the middle of a bar, but I’m also not the kind of girl who is put in a position where I would want to.” I looked at him exasperated, reminding myself to hold my ground and demand more respect than this.
“I know that,” he admitted and ran his hands through his hair. “See, therein lies the problem. You have made my life complicated because for the first time, there is someone I want to call when I wake up and talk to before I go to sleep.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I knew that my resolve was weakening. “How can I believe you? What am I supposed to do with that?” I asked, fighting back my ever persistent tears. He inched over to me and moved a piece of hair that had fallen in front of my eye.
“You can trust me, Avery. I’m not going to let you down.” He paused for a second, still caressing my temple. “Let me take you on a real date. Things are better with Issy now, and people have already noticed my lack of nightlife these past few weeks.” He shot me a knowing look and a sly smile that sent a whirl of flutters in my stomach.
Very tentatively, he reached out and turned my body towards his. I kept my eyes focused on the grass and felt his palm against my cheek. He leaned his head down, while bringing mine up and made eye contact, “I’m sorry.” His voice was soft and sincere as he moved in to kiss me. I kissed him back with all the longing, need and hurt I felt until he gently pulled away.
“By the way, I didn’t like you seeing you out with those guys either,” Jake admitted, keeping his forehead on mine.
I looked at him, confusion apparent until I remembered Danny and Aaron, and then chuckled. “They are just friends. One is completely in love with your cousin and the other, well, he has LOTS of love interests.”
Jake smiled but kept his piercing eye
s to mine. “I still didn’t like it,” he whispered before kissing me again. He pulled me on his lap and we made out shamelessly in the park. Finally, I pulled away and looked around, feeling a little embarrassed.
“Tonight,” he said gruffly before getting up. I just nodded.
He drove off after sending one last wave my way. My head was so far in the clouds that I hardly remembered running the last three miles home.
I was still in a daze as I showered and dressed for the day. I had missed my first class, but could make it to my second one if I hurried. The phone rang as I walked out the door, and I spent the next five minutes detailing the evening events to Cara who already didn’t have a high opinion of Jake.
“So, did he say you guys were exclusive then?” she asked with an air of irritation in her voice.
“No.”
“Ok, did he at least say he wasn’t dating those girls anymore?”
“No.”
“Avery!”
“What? I don’t care, ok? He likes me. He practically said I was the one who he thought about when he woke up and went to sleep. Besides, I’m a private person too. I totally get him not wanting to expose his personal life to the college paparazzi.” I was feeling so exasperated with her interrogation that I was practically speed walking to class, barely registering the other students as I passed.
“Ok…ok. So, how did you cope when you saw him at the bar? Any relapses?” She hesitated as she asked me that, and my guilt and shame over my continual failure all manifested in anger.
“Cara, why do you always have to go back to that? No, I told you, I’m doing fine with it. Sometimes I wish I had never confided in you. Its like we can’t talk about anything else now.”
“Avery, we talked about it all summer. You told me to ask you. Why are you being so defensive?”
“Because it feels like all you do is judge me now. It’s like having a third parent.” I knew I was being unreasonable, and that she was only trying to help. But it didn’t matter, it was my life…my secret, and I didn’t need her intrusion.
“That’s not what I’m trying to do. I don’t know how to be here for you anymore,” she explained with a catch in her voice. I knew I had hurt her.
“Just laugh with me and be happy for me. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try.” She was quiet and then attempted to change her tone. “Call me later and tell me how the date goes, ok?”
“Ok…talk to you then.” I let out a sigh and sat down in my class chair. My conversations with Cara were just getting more and more trying. I also felt horribly guilty for lying to her, but I didn’t want her to know what was going on. I didn’t want to talk about it. I had it under control, and she would just freak out.
My class did nothing to improve my mood, as the professor worked problems on the board with such speed, I had no hope in following.
I left class feeling miserable and anxious as I tried to mentally and emotionally prepare for the evening. The afternoon flew by and before I knew it, it was only two hours before Jake would be here, and I was at my wits end on what to wear. Nothing looked good and I was bloated. Issy had ordered takeout for lunch and I ate way too much. I felt like a stuffed pig. How was I supposed to go on a date with Jake tonight feeling like this? I heard one door shut and then another outside my room.
I poked my head out, “Issy?” No answer. Oh, thank God! I ran to my bathroom, shut the door and forced myself to get rid of my lunch. I knew it didn’t help—that I never really lost weight by throwing up, but it made me feel better anyway. It calmed me down and allowed me to see the evening rationally instead of emotionally.
It was my first real date with Jake, and I had to look perfect. He was charming and deep, more handsome than any man I’d ever known, and for some reason he wanted to be with me. I thought of the two other women I had seen him with and looked at my body in the mirror. They were flawless, and I was not. It was like the mirror magnified every imperfection, and tears consumed me as I covered myself up.
“Lord, I know that Satan is like a roaring lion, waiting for someone to devour. I pray you protect her from those who will harm her…”
6. PUSHING LIMITS
The night was serene and slightly cool with just a light breeze. I felt like I was living out the perfect romance movie when Jake came to pick me up. He looked totally dapper in tan pants and a fitted V-necked sweater.
I finally settled on an Audrey Hepburn look, classy yet sexy, sporting a fitted black dress with a thin belt around the waist. It was a dress that fit my body well and I tried not to fidget too much as I kept running my hands over any area that felt soft.
His reaction melted my heart and made my confidence soar. He grabbed me by the waist, pulled me close and kissed me on my neck. “You look perfect.”
We had dinner reservations at an Italian restaurant in Asheville that came complete with beautiful music and candlelight. The food was delicious, although I did more picking at it than eating it. I hated eating in front of other people. Jake and I made small talk all through dinner, mostly sharing funny Issy stories.
I looked at him from across the table. I had only known him a few weeks, but in that time he had taken up residency in my thoughts and heart in such a way I didn’t know how I could live without him. I wanted him to feel the same way, where he would talk to me and confide in me. I longed for the closeness.
“I realized when I was getting ready tonight that I don’t really know anything about you. Not even what you want to do when you graduate,” I started, hoping to seize the opportunity. The past few weeks together had been less about talking and more about making out and sneaking around.
Jake smiled flirtatiously, as if reading my thoughts, and settled back into his seat. “I’m hoping to get into stock trading, maybe even dabble a little in international stocks.” He paused as I processed the information. “Why the look?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just surprised that a guy who labels himself as the ultimate caretaker wants to get into such a cut-throat business,” I answered.
“But that’s exactly why it appeals to me. It’s totally about you. In fact, the more selfish you are, the more successful you are,” he explained, his voice full of excitement.
“I guess I didn’t realize that you didn’t like doing it.”
“Taking care of people?” he clarified, and I nodded. “It’s not that I don’t like it. I mean, with my mom and Issy, I wouldn’t want anyone else doing it. But sometimes I just feel, well, trapped by it.” He paused in thought for a second and then asked, “Is this your idea of light dinner conversation?” He had humor in his voice, but I changed the subject anyway.
“Issy said you are in a fraternity. Do you like it?”
“Was in a fraternity, not anymore,” he clarified.
“Why not?”
“I grew up. I mean, I just kind of got my priorities straight this summer and realized I had to focus and finish school. It is my junior year, after all. My mom never even graduated from high school. She got pregnant with me and did what she had to in order to make ends meet.” He didn’t mention his dad, so I assumed he was out of the picture.
“Your grandparents didn’t help?”
“They were pretty old when my mom was born. She was a surprise, so by that time, they really weren’t able to help that much. Mom wasn’t really the type to ask anyway; she was pretty self-reliant, felt she could do it on her own. I guess I know who I get that from, right?” He was trying to lighten the mood, but my heart felt so heavy I had to say something.
“Issy told me she passed away this summer. I’m really sorry. She sounds like a wonderful woman.” I was cautious as I spoke, wanting to convey my compassion, but not wanting him to feel like I was overstepping some imaginary boundary.
“Thanks. Yeah…not the best three months of my life.” He paused, moving around the remnants of food on his plate. “Why do I feel like I’m bearing my soul every time we talk?” He leaned up on the table closing the distance
between us saying, “I think we need to do more kissing and less talking.”
I leaned into him, putting less than an inch between our faces. “Maybe it’s time you were with someone who could do both.” I could tell my comment got to him as his guard seemed to drop for an instant while he kissed me. He pulled away and my eyes searched his, but the moment was gone and his relaxed, nonchalant demeanor was back.
“I love your eyes,” he said casually, still staring at me. “They are so light they look like blue ice crystals. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
I blushed and turned away. “I don’t even know how you can say that when you stare at yours every day in the mirror.” He lifted my chin back up and gave me a stare so smoldering that my breath caught.
“We should get out of here before my thoughts get us in trouble,” he whispered. “Besides, I want to show you where I live.” He grabbed the check, and I stood up and followed him out, excited, but nervous to be alone with him in his apartment.
Jake lived in a studio apartment only two blocks from the restaurant. The décor was pretty modern, and I knew without asking that Issy had been involved in the decorating. The only piece of furniture that looked like Jake was a long, soft leather sofa that nuzzled around you when you sat in it. I glanced up and saw a staircase leading to a small loft with a queen sized bed and dresser. My stomach started doing flip-flops as I realized how inexperienced I was in this situation. I had never been in a guy’s apartment alone before, and had never gone further with a guy than kissing.
I sat on the couch feeling completely out of place, putting my hands in my lap to try and settle the shaking. Jake grabbed us a few drinks out of the kitchen and turned on the TV. There was a basketball game on and Jake hit mute, so we just saw the screen. He slid behind me on the couch, straddling my legs as he pulled me back to him.
“You’re so tense,” he said, rubbing my shoulders.
