by T Gray
“I don’t need your help, Avery. I’m not this wounded soul you’ve made me out to be. I’m just a guy in college who likes to have fun and isn’t interested in being tied down right now.”
“You said I could trust you! That I was special. I thought you cared about me. My God, Jake, you pursued me!” I continued to stare at him, searching his eyes for any remaining feeling that might be there, but there was nothing.
“You were special, Avery,” he said exasperated. He let go of my arms and ran his hands through his hair as if remembering. “You were this shy and innocent girl who charmed me with her wit. You were strong on the outside, but so soft and caring on the inside that I found you irresistible.”
“Jake, I’m still that person,” I said whispering, trying to convince not only him but also myself that it was true.
“Something’s different, Avery, maybe its you, maybe its me…”
I willed my ears to stop working, knowing his next words before he said them.
“…but I just don’t see that girl anymore.”
That was it, the final blow. The crushing brick that you don’t recover from. I looked up at him, this man who held my heart, who I unashamedly gave everything to, and saw him for the first time. I wanted to vomit, to tear every inch of skin off my body. Anything that would replace the crushing pain that had taken over my heart.
I didn’t remember walking to my car or driving home. I existed in a daze, going through motions without registering them in my brain. I didn’t remember walking across campus, but somehow here I was, standing in the quad. I closed my eyes, trying to get my mind to start working, to process what was going around me, but the only thing I could feel was the hurt.
My heart pulsated in my chest, straining to sustain its normal function. Nothing made sense; nothing was in focus. I sat down, hoping to somehow end the crushing pain consuming my heart. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Everything I once valued and held true, I had discarded without any regard for the consequences.
I could sense people around me, some even staring in my direction as I sat frozen to the bench I was sitting on, but I didn’t care.
I could feel the numbness stretch over my shaking body, leaving me cold and empty, but my mind wouldn’t stop. Thoughts of him were frozen in permanent rewind, reminding me over and over again of how much I had failed.
There was music playing around me, and I tried to get my ears to focus on it, to hear anything that might help me stay above the gripping, smothering nothingness that was everywhere around me. How did I get to this point? How did I let the chains gets so tight that they were crippling every part of my body, dragging me further and further into this pit?
I could hear the screaming in my head, begging me to let the noise out, but I just sat there, unable to move, trapped in a silent prison of my own making. The truth glared at me, mocking me for denying it for so long. I was living a lie, existing in a shell of self-delusion. I had become nothing…and he knew it.
The air was getting thicker, and I felt the heaviness start to choke me. Just breathe…in and out…just breathe, I begged myself, trying unsuccessfully to gain some control. The tears were fire racing down my cheeks, provoking me with each drop. I sat, gripping the bench until my knuckles were white. Come on, Avery…just breathe.
I felt the bench shift slightly and a warm hand covered mine. Looking up through my tears, I saw warmth and compassion in the eyes of a stranger.
Finally, I could focus and even hear what was going on around me. I was in the middle of some outdoor concert and the band was just finishing up a song. A man in jeans and a button up shirt walked to the podium and started to read from a book.
“Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”
The words came, drifting slowly in the air, and penetrated the very depth of my heart. The man continued to read, but I stopped listening and just thought about those words that had embedding themselves on my soul. I was in darkness.
The hand covering mine was still there, but he was intently listening to the speaker. My breathing was starting to come easier, for I noticed I didn’t have to remind myself to do it anymore.
The words rolled around in my head and suddenly there was a spark of something I felt deep down. I had forgotten the feeling as it had been so long since I’d felt anything other than despair, but it was there…hope, just a glimmer, but hope all the same.
“Lord, you know our needs and our hurts. Guide her as she grows, learning which path you have for her…”
8. GLIMMER OF JOY
Minutes felt like hours, and hours felt like years, but somehow I managed to survive for two days after my crushing breakup with Jake, without another major breakdown. The pit was still surrounding me, but each day I survived, it felt like I was one step closer to the light.
Today was Friday, though, and weekends always seemed to be the hardest. Next week was Thanksgiving, and I knew the campus would be empty. Part of me relished the thought—the idea of being alone for such a long period of time. I could find a good book and immerse myself in a world better than my own, but part of me also knew the loneliness would get the best of me, and I would dive back into the world of self-indulgence with food.
After being inspired at the quad, I had committed to myself that I would never throw up again, but these last two days were so hard I couldn’t see how it would last. I wanted to believe what that speaker said about darkness being light and me being wonderfully made, but with each passing hour, I was forgetting how it could be possible.
The first day, I tried counting calories again, a practice I had done a lot in high school, thinking maybe if I was just aware of everything that went in my body, I wouldn’t feel so guilty when I ate anything. It wasn’t helping. Each time I added a number to my total, I would cringe, immediately wanting to get it out of me. Dieting was also way too hard to do, and if willpower was something I had, I don’t think I would be in this predicament to begin with.
Yesterday, I tried not eating altogether, but I had never been very successful at that. Today, sheer determination and distraction were the only things getting me through.
I thought about the stranger on the bench who had been so kind to me that day. He never said a word, just waited until I calmed down and then patted my hand to say goodbye. His mannerisms somehow conveyed that he was sorry I was hurting.
The concert went on for another hour after he got up, and it held a combination of music and speaking. The music was great, but a lot of the words didn’t make sense to me. My time there was a good reprieve, though, because Jake had tried to call three times. He wanted to make sure I got home safely, he had said on my voicemail. I immediately deleted it, feeling total hatred. My anger had subsided a little the last couple of days, but now the sadness was taking over. The sadness of what I had lost—my dignity, my future and my body. All of which were choices I had made with no regrets at the time. I was feeling regret now. In fact, I was feeling it so strongly that I could almost taste its bitterness.
The timer buzzed in the lab, and I immediately took the sample out of the freezer and ran the required tests. If there was one thing I had learned this semester, it was that I abhorred lab work. It was mind numbing and tedious. A chemical engineering emphasis was definitely out of the question I assured myself. Then the sadness hit. Why would I even think about a specialty? I may not even have a scholarship next year! Tears bombarded my eyes again, and I wiped them clean with my sleeve. I was starting to detest my tears. They came and went at will—never caring whether the time was appropriate or not.
I finished up the tests and made sure to put all the samples back in the refrigerator, checking all the instructions twice to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I signed out in the log and headed home, dreading it. How had it only been four months since my fi
rst day when everything looked so promising?
I pulled out my phone as I walked, knowing I had to make this phone call, but dreading every second of it. I hadn’t told my parents I wasn’t coming home for Thanksgiving yet, and while they probably wouldn’t care, I knew my mom would use this opportunity to pry. The phone was ringing and I took a deep breath to control my nerves.
“Hello?” My mom answered in her usual sweet tone.
“Hi Mom. How are you?” I asked trying to keep my voice as steady as I could.
“I’m good, Avery. How are you? Are you heading our way tomorrow?”
“Actually mom, that’s what I was calling about. I’m not going to make it home this year. I have a lot of studying to do, and I volunteered to help out with some lab testing over the break.” It wasn’t totally a lie.
“Oh, ok dear. So where are you going for Thanksgiving?” she asked concerned.
“Um, the campus has a big dinner they put on. I’ll be fine.” That was a lie.
“Well, just remember that Thanksgiving isn’t a license to let yourself go. You don’t want that college fifteen to sneak up on you. Have you still been running?”
I rolled my eyes, wondering how my mom could always take any conversation back to my eating habits. I felt my stomach start to fill with anxiety and willed myself to calm down. “Yes, I’ve been running faithfully every day, and my diet is perfect.” Another lie.
“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”
We continued our conversation a little while longer, with her doing most of the talking. She told me all about the latest fad diet her and my sister were doing and promised to send me all the information she had on it. I feigned interest, but felt more and more stressed the whole time I talked to her. Finally, after I had remained on the phone an appropriate amount of time, I told her I had to go.
“Well, we’ll miss you,” she finally said after asking one more time if I was sure I couldn’t make it home.
“You too, Mom. I’ll talk to you later.”
We said our goodbyes, and I hung up the phone, feeling more beat down than I had in two days. I looked around me, trying to find anything that would bring me peace.
The sun was starting to set and the sky was amazing, full of reds and oranges as if the sun was streaking across the clouds in a wonderful dance. I found my bench (the one from that fateful night) and just stared up at the sky, hoping to find that same spark I had felt there just two days ago.
The bench moved slightly, and I peeked up to see a familiar face looking at me. “We really should stop meeting like this,” he offered, his eyebrow shooting up.
I immediately turned red, knowing the last time he saw me I was on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown.
“You must think I’m crazy,” I stated, facing him. He was actually really cute, a thing I had no ability to process the first time I saw him. He had sandy blond hair that was cut pretty short and dark blue eyes. I assumed he was a student here because he was dressed pretty simply in a t-shirt and jeans. Normally, I would feel uncomfortable in this situation, but the smile that moved across his lips was so genuine and honest, I immediately relaxed.
“Nah, we’ve all had our moments. I mean, I’ve actually seen people start banging their head against the wall during finals week.” He was trying to make me feel better, which was sweet of him.
“Thanks.”
“I’m Parker. My first name, not my last. It confuses people sometimes. It was my mom’s maiden name and now it is a source of constant explanation for me.” He was leaning up with his elbows on his knees and looking around the campus as he spoke, finally resting his eyes on me after he finished. “And you are?”
“Avery,” I answered. He had a charm about him that was refreshing. It wasn’t the intense attraction I had with Jake, where I wanted to crawl inside of him and get lost there, but I felt at ease with Parker, and it was nice. “It was not my mother’s maiden name,” I teased.
He gave me another smile and stood up. “Can I walk you somewhere? It’s starting to get dark, and I’d hate to think something might happen to you.”
“You don’t need to. I’m just going to University Apartments; they aren’t that far.”
“I don’t mind…if you don’t?”
“Um, ok.” I got up, and we started to head towards my apartment. He was taller than me, but not by a huge amount. He was certainly shorter than Jake, but stockier, and I could see that his t-shirt pulled a little against his large biceps. Comparing Parker to Jake made me sad again. I hated that Jake was now my standard for all guys. Hated how he had made me believe I was important to him when the whole time I was just like everyone else.
“Are you always this quiet when you walk with someone?” Parker asked. I hadn’t realized that my mind had wandered for so long.
“I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now,” I said sighing, feeling like a complete jerk. “Do you live on campus too?” I asked trying to make conversation.
“No, I was not so lucky. I have a place in Asheville that I rent with another guy. He’s pretty cool, so it works well. Do you have roommates?”
“Yes, I do. One of them I’ve never met. She’s in Portugal on exchange. The other is amazing. Her name is Issy, and she is fun and exciting, but not around much lately. I kind of miss her.” The words came out before I could stop them. What was I thinking telling a perfect stranger how I was feeling?
“Yeah, I can see that. I’m not much for being alone either; I’m kind of a people person, you know.”
“Really? I couldn’t tell,” I teased. “Have you been at Winsor long?”
“I’m a junior. Working on pre-med. I really thought this semester would be easier for some reason, but I think that was wishful thinking. The ladies in the library are starting to ask me how my parents are doing…using their first names.” He saw my confusion and explained. “I get bored easily so I tend to find people to talk to. Sheila works nights in the medical section. She is a single mom with two kids. I find her inspiring, though. Did you know she is the only person in her family to graduate high school and here she is with two kids working on her English degree? She wants to be a teacher. Isn’t that cool?”
He was unlike anyone I had ever met. Just cheerful and honest, like we had been best friends for decades. I didn’t know who Sheila was. In fact, I had never once stopped to notice any of the people who worked at the library, despite the hundreds of hours I had spent there. I studied him, my eyes questioning if it was possible for someone to be this nice.
“So which one is yours?” he asked, his chin moving up as if to point to the buildings. I hadn’t even registered that we were here.
“Building 1, my stairs are right there.”
“Great! Well Avery, it was so nice to finally meet you. And now that I know you are safe, I’m going to drag myself back to my car with much less enjoyment than I had walking you home.” His face lit up with animation when he spoke, and his genuine smile nudged a little at my hardened heart.
“Thanks again…and it was really nice to meet you too,” I replied, deciding that it really was.
“You sound surprised,” he noted, acting as if he was hurt.
I laughed and then admitted, “Ok, maybe a little, but pleasantly.”
“I can live with that! You have a great weekend, Avery. Oh, and keep smiling like that. Your eyes light up when you do.” He winked at me and turned to leave. I realized as he walked away that his car was in commuter parking, the other way across campus. His chivalry had added over a mile to his walk.
I felt good as I walked up the stairs, almost happy. Maybe this weekend wouldn’t be so bad after all.
As always, I spoke too soon, because staring back at me when I entered my apartment were Jake’s stunning green eyes. He was sitting on the couch with Issy watching a movie.
“Hey guys,” I somehow managed to say as I walked in the door. The crushing pain from the other day returned, and I felt myself stumble back down into the pit.
My heart broke all over again as I watched his cool confidence, empty of any feeling he used to have for me.
“Avery, hi!” Issy yelled jumping off the couch to give me a big hug. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages! We’ve decided to do a marathon of The Office this weekend since the nightlife before Thanksgiving is nonexistent.” She went to sit back down by Jake, who had made very little movement since I walked in the door.
The glimmer of joy I had started to feel, vanished, and my bitterness came rushing back. “Sounds like fun,” I muttered as I went to the kitchen. I refused to hide in my room just because Jake decided to show up at MY apartment. “If I made popcorn, would there be any takers?”
Issy put her hand up enthusiastically.
“Jake?” I asked coolly.
“Yeah, I’ll take some.” He didn’t move his eyes from the TV.
What a coward, I thought to myself, as I threw the popcorn in the microwave. I don’t know how I didn’t see that before. Every time there was an uncomfortable situation, Jake would check out.
I put my books in my room and then passed out the popcorn. An open seat was available on the couch, but pride alone was not going to let that happen. I sat on the lip love seat that had actually turned out to be pretty comfortable and started watching the show. The tension I felt between me and Jake was so thick, I couldn’t believe Issy wasn’t making some snide comment about it.
“So where is Danny tonight?” I asked, wondering how he would be missing when they had been inseparable for weeks.
“I wouldn’t go there if I were you,” Jake warned. There was a hint of amusement in his voice that a week ago would have sent flutters to my stomach. Tonight it just made me angry and even more sour then I was already feeling.
“Danny’s over,” Issy said nonchalantly, and then started hysterically laughing at something happening on the screen.
“Why?” I asked, concerned. I really did like Danny.
