by T Gray
“But you broke up with me,” I reminded him.
“Because it scared the hell out of me, the feelings I was having. Avery, I’ve felt nothing for months, and all the sudden, with you, I felt everything.” He turned to stare at me when he said it, and I felt my eyes fill with tears. I was not expecting this answer from him, and it seemed to do nothing but muddy the already delicate resolve I was having. He responded by standing up and bringing me up to him, staring so lovingly in my eyes that I was sure I would faint.
“That night together…” He trailed off as he caressed my face. The tears were spilling over my eyes now as I felt all the hurt that night had brought me. He wiped them away with his thumb and drew me into a tight hug. I could hear the music from the house and watched as the lights danced across the lake. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“We should get back,” I whispered, knowing that if I stayed in his arms too much longer, I would do something cruel the one person in my life who didn’t deserve it. Thinking of Parker made my stomach turn. He deserved better than this from me.
Jake kissed me longingly on my forehead and then let go so we could head back to the house. My mind was spinning from his confession, and I decided to have that glass of wine after all, hoping it would somehow clear my head.
The party was in full swing when we returned to the house, with Issy naturally at the center of it. She squealed when she saw me and pulled me on the makeshift dance floor with her. I tried my best to get lost in the moment and put the confusion and chaos out of my mind, but Jake’s eyes were relentless as he watched me dance, and I soon felt insecure under the scrutiny. I told Issy I was done, and her eyes knowingly glanced in Jake’s direction.
“No problem,” she said and put her arm through mine. She lead me to multiple groups of people whom surprisingly turned out to be really interesting. Most of them were actually in college to learn something and could hold a conversation without slurring their words. I especially liked Branson. He was kindhearted and so sweet to Issy. She was miles out of his league, but she allowed him to dote anyway.
True to their word, Issy and Jake left at the two-hour mark. Issy wasn’t too drunk which was a nice change from the norm and was actually a lot of fun tonight.
“I had a great time,” I announced as we walked in the apartment. The wine had gotten to my head, making me more relaxed than usual.
“Of course you did, silly. You were with me,” Issy responded, heading to the kitchen to rummage through the pantry. I shot her a look, and Jake laughed. It was a beautiful sound, and one I hadn’t heard from him in a long time.
“Well guys, I’m going to bed,” I said as I started to my room.
“No! It’s too early! Stay and watch a movie with us. It’s my turn to pick and we can totally watch a chic flick.” Issy had already put the popcorn in the microwave and was getting us all drinks. I had to admit it sounded fun. After a week of walking on eggshells with my parents, it felt good to be around Issy and her carefree honesty.
I went to my room and put on my favorite pajamas. I knew I should check my phone to see if Parker called, but for some reason I didn’t. Instead, I shut the door and joined Issy and Jake on the sofa. I started by sitting with my legs crossed in the middle of them, but somehow throughout the evening I ended up cuddled next to Jake, and that’s where I was when I woke up at two in the morning.
He was on his back asleep and I was curled up on his chest just like we had done so many times before. His arms were locked tightly around me, and I could hear his rhythmic breathing as he slept. I quietly wrangled out of his grip and stepped off the couch. Issy must have gone to her bed because she was no longer on the sofa. I softly shut my door and checked my phone. Parker had called twice, once at 10:00 p.m. and again at midnight. I felt a little pang in my chest as I realized how selfish I had been last night. I didn’t even tell him I got home safely. I knew deep down that I didn’t call because I didn’t want something to stop me from doing what I knew was wrong. I didn’t want the accountability. I curled up in my bed, feeling horribly guilty. Last night had been a mistake—one I wouldn’t let happen again.
“I pray, Lord, that she knows she has a savior who is able to sympathize with her weakness, and that she knows she can find grace in her time of need...”
17. TELLING SECRETS
The morning seemed to come too quickly for me as I dragged myself out of bed. It wasn’t early, but I still seemed to lack any energy. Parker was coming home today, and the thought of seeing him made me nervous. Two days ago, I had been so sure, convinced that I had put Jake out of my life for good. But last night, he was broken and honest, all the things I loved so much about him when we first met.
I needed to run, to clear my foggy head of all the emotions it was feeling. I got dressed and opened my door—sure Jake would be long gone. He always seemed to disappear when things got too intimate, and last night was well beyond the limit for him.
But, he wasn’t. Instead, he was sitting on the couch in his undershirt and boxers watching Sportscenter. He looked disheveled and ridiculously sexy, and I immediately blushed when I felt myself daydream of us together. He looked up and saw me, flashing me his signature grin that always made my heart stop. I had to snap out of it. It was unhealthy how easily I could get sucked back in.
“I thought you’d be gone already,” I said walking towards the kitchen. His eyes followed me as I moved, making me feel self conscious about how I looked.
“I thought we might go do something today. You got plans?” He was standing up to stretch, and I could see his muscles bulge through his shirt. I looked down, embarrassed, but he was quick to catch me staring.
He walked to the kitchen, grinning and kept putting himself in my way, so I would naturally bump into him. I was getting frustrated and it only made the sparks between us that much more intense. I finally was about to say something when Issy walked out of her room. She looked like her hair had spun in the dryer for two days, and I couldn’t hold in the laughter when I saw her.
“Ha ha. We can’t all look like a running goddess in the morning,” she snapped and then noticed Jake standing right behind me, his hand resting on my hipbone. “What are you still doing here?”
“Lovely to see you too, sleeping beauty,” Jake replied as he walked past her ruffling her already crazy hair. He settled back in on the couch, but shot me a seductive look before he did. Before I could even get my hands to stop shaking, there was a knock at the door.
“You expecting anyone?” I asked Issy as she drank her coffee at the bar. She shook her head like I was crazy to even think she’d have someone here this early. They knocked again and I realized that no one else was moving to get it.
The minute I unlocked the door and cracked it open, Parker was inside the room, cupping my face and kissing me with full abandonment. I hardly had any time to react before he stopped and looked lovingly at me.
“I have been wanting to do that for days,” he whispered as he leaned in to kiss me again. I pulled back before he could, and nodded to the other people in the room when he looked at me questionably. He registered for the first time that others were around us and backed up to actually take in the scene.
“Morning Parker,” Issy called from the bar, enjoyment apparent in her voice.
He didn’t take his eyes off Jake who sat comfortably watching TV as if he owned the place. “Good morning,” Parker finally said back to her.
The tension in the room was palpable, and the longer the silence hovered, the more severe it became. Jake never took his eyes off the screen and I could see a slight hint of a smile on his lips. I grabbed Parker’s arm and motioned to my room. He followed stiffly, never fully taking his eyes off Jake. We got in the room, and as soon as I shut the door he asked, “What’s he doing here, Avery?”
I could tell he was upset. “He’s Issy’s cousin, Parker. They are pretty close to inseparable,” I explained, trying to downplay the situation.
“He sleeps here?”
>
“Um, yeah, most of the time. He has a key. Sometimes they crash at his place too. It just depends. He comes and goes at will.”
Parker seemed even more irritated at that piece of information, and I knew I needed to distract him before he started reading too much into it. “I don’t want to talk about that, though,” I said walking up to him and putting my arms around his neck. “I missed you.”
He took the bait and leaned down, capturing my mouth in his. I kissed him back this time and he seemed to relax.
“I was worried when I didn’t hear from you last night,” he said softly, running his hands through my hair as he looked over my face like he was taking in all of me.
“I know. I’m sorry. Issy got me right as I walked in the door and dragged me to her friend’s party. We got back so late, I didn’t want to bother you.” It wasn’t totally a lie, although my heart was racing as the guilt started to eat at it.
“Avery, it’s never too late to call me, ok? I always want to know you’re safe,” he said reassuringly and I nodded, frustrated at myself for thinking about Jake for even one second when I had such a wonderful man.
“So, I’ve come to kidnap you,” he said with a sparkle in his eye.
“Really, where are you taking me?” I asked intrigued.
“It’s a surprise, but I can tell you that you need to wear jeans and hiking shoes.”
“What, my running attire is not acceptable?” I asked doing a little curtsy. He looked me up and down and his eyes got a sultry look to them that made my stomach do a somersault.
“They’re something alright,” he agreed sighing as he turned away to look at other things around the room. “I have to admit, Avery, it bothers me that he’s here, especially knowing you look like that in the morning.”
I knew I was being forward, but I didn’t care. I walked up to his back, wrapped my arms around him and started moving my hands across his chest, running my fingers along each of his muscles, while I slowly kissed his shoulders. I could feel his body tensing, but I just continued to persist. I wanted to feel close to him, wanted something that would finally break through all the confusion.
He turned around and captured me in his arms, kissing me with such ferocity that heat started to consume my body. We fell on the bed, and I continued to be bold, pulling him closer and closer. I put my hands under his shirt, rubbing them all over his back and chest. He started to do the same and then froze, pulling his head away, trying to catch his breath. I continued to tug at him, searching for his lips, but he was moving off me with determination.
I sat breathless on the bed, while he stood gripping the desk. “You’re making it very hard for me to stick to my convictions, Avery. I think your room is now officially off limits,” he stated, taking a deep breath. His voice wasn’t harsh, just labored, as I knew he was fighting to regain control. He looked up at me and we stared at each other in silence before he moved to the door. “I’ll wait for you in the car while you change.” He headed out my door and the apartment without saying another word. I felt stupid and insecure for pushing him, when he had made his feelings on it so clear.
I saw Jake looking in my room at me. He had a smug look on his face, and I was sure he misread Parker’s quick exit. I got up and shut my door. He was the last person I wanted to see.
It took me less than fifteen minutes to get ready to go, opting to pile my hair on top of my head with a clip versus trying to do something with it. I locked my door and turned to see Jake leaning against the sofa with his arms folded. He had showered and changed and looked like he was waiting on me.
“Trouble in paradise?” he asked looking disturbingly pleased with himself.
“No…not that it’s any of your business,” I retorted.
He stepped towards me and grabbed my arm so hard it almost scared me. Our faces were close to touching and his eyes looked dark, almost dangerous. “He’s never going to be enough for you,” he seethed. “You belong to me…and no matter how much you deny it, I can see it every time you look at me.” His voice was getting softer and his grip lighter, but I still felt frozen by his words. We stared at each other defiantly for a long time until he finally walked out the door, shutting it far harder than was necessary.
Issy was still at the bar and put up her hands in surrender when my eyes searched her for some explanation.
“Don’t look at me; I told you he was complicated,” she said flatly and went off to her room. The worst of it was that I had caused this. I had let Jake see that he could still get to me—that I hadn’t fully let him go. I sat on the couch, trying to get my beating heart to settle before I met Parker at the car.
He was leaning on the car hood, messing with his phone, when I finally came down the stairs. My walk was tentative as I felt I owed him an apology. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my cheek to his hard chest. “I’m sorry.”
He kissed my head and hugged me back. “Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. I know better then to put myself in situations where I can lose control.” He tenderly lifted my chin and kissed me as if to confirm he wasn’t upset, then opened my door so I could get inside the car.
“So now can you tell me where we’re going?” I asked after he had pulled off campus. “The suspense is starting to get to me.”
“Ok, my impatient girl. I have a friend whose parents own a cabin just a half hour from here. It sits right next to Pisgah National Forest and has unbelievable hiking trails. Anyway, I called in a favor, and it’s ours for the day,” he shared grinning.
I reached over and kissed his cheek, thinking this was exactly what I needed today.
The cabin sat four miles from the Blue Ridge Parkway where Mount Pisgah could be seen in all its glory. The cabin itself was small and very rustic with a mix of horizontal logs and stone for its façade. The gray stone fireplace must have been added on later because it jutted out of the house, offering character and charm to the small cabin.
Inside, most of the walls continued to be made up of large horizontal logs, and those that weren’t were covered in rich wood paneling. A large oval rug sat on the wood floor in the living room, where there was only one oversized red couch and a brown leather recliner in the small room. The rustic feel continued in the kitchen, where bar stools were covered in a southwestern pattern of reds and oranges. I noticed one bedroom with a bathroom that sat just off the living room, but no other doors except the one to the back of the house where a large deck was overlooking the amazing views.
Parker didn’t say a word as I absorbed the space and the atmosphere, but looked pleased that I could appreciate it. I walked out back to enjoy the fresh mountain air and felt invigorated by its beauty.
“This is unbelievable.”
“I knew you’d love it,” he said affectionately as he wrapped his arms around me. Every time I was in his presence, I felt safe and loved, and each time I was without it, I’d forget how amazing it made me feel. Just last night Jake had tried to hold me the same way, and while familiar with him, Parker’s arms felt stronger and right…so right. I leaned back into his chest, absorbed in how perfect this moment was.
“The trail starts over there, and it’s a six mile hike round trip. It may take us a few hours, so we should probably get going so we get back before dark.”
“Sounds great!” I exclaimed, excited to go, but secretly disappointed when he let go of me.
He gathered all we needed in his backpack and took the lead up the trail. At first the path was pretty easy, just basic forest bedding and a few stray branches, but about a mile into the hike, the elevation started to pick up and we were navigating through large boulders and steep cliffs. It was physically challenging, but I was never scared because Parker was at my side with each step, helping me through any obstacle that came my way.
It took us two hours to complete the three mile ascend, but the beauty that awaited us at the top was totally worth it. We stood on a stone ledge and overlooked the mountain range; I had never seen anything
so beautiful in all my life. A few feet away was a large water fall that fell to at least one hundred feet below us. The sound of the rushing water made my pulse quicken as I thought about the power behind such a wonder of nature.
We found a safe place to rest and sat in silence, enjoying the view and the light mist that came up from the falls. I reflected on the journey I taken with Parker, how he found me so devastated and broken, yet now I sat at the top of a mountain ridge, with the world awaiting me. The tears hit me with such a force that I couldn’t hold them back and Parker quickly came to my aid, asking what was wrong.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I assured him, smiling through my tears. “I just feel free, like genuinely, fully free, and it’s a little overwhelming is all. A month ago, I didn’t know how I was going to get out of bed, and now…”
He wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried. He was so good, so honest and perfect, that I knew in that moment I had to tell him. My heart started pounding as I searched for the words, my mind trying to convince me not to do it. But I wanted him to know, even if it meant he’d never look at me the same. Somehow, being up there gave me the strength to open up fully to him. I felt I owed it to him, to be completely honest about who I was, when he had given me so much.
“I have to tell you something,” I said tentatively, turning my body so that we were facing each other. He looked concerned, almost nervous as if I was about to drop a huge bomb on our relationship.
