by T Gray
“Thanks, um, how much do I owe you?” I asked, still holding my wallet.
“Oh please, your money is no good here. Come on.”
He was around the counter in a flash and was pulling off harnesses for both of us. My stomach started to knot in anticipation of doing this on my own, but I willed myself to continue. I needed to know I could do it.
The one mile walk felt different today, partly because I spent more time looking at the scenery where as last time I was either staring at Jake or at my feet. The woods were amazing in a different way. They were stripped of their fall colors, but still were a commanding presence that exuded strength and resilience. I marveled at the idea that being stripped down to nothing could offer more healing than simply living a life full of color. It certainly had for me.
We reached the first platform and my stomach lurched again as I looked down at the depths. It appeared farther this time without the leaves to block the view.
“You ready?” he asked after hooking me up to the line. I nodded and he stepped back, waiting for me to take the plunge. I took a deep breath and jumped, allowing the speed and adrenalin to make my body shiver in excitement. I kept my grip loose, to get the full effect of the speed this time. The fear was gone.
My guide hit the platform seconds after I did and whistled after he got his footing. “Wow, you were way faster this time. You been practicing or something?” he asked, not hiding his admiration.
“No, just came in with a different frame of mind,” I explained, smiling back. “I think I’m done, though.”
“What? You just got started?”
“I know, but I have something else I need to do today.” Part of me wanted to stay and do more lines, but I knew my next stop would take a while, and I had already accomplished what I wanted to by coming here.
He shrugged his shoulders, and led me back to the trail that would get us back to my car. He asked how Jake was doing, and I told him all good things, not feeling the need to explain our relationship. With a quick goodbye, I was back in my car and heading west towards Mount Pisgah and the cabin that Parker had taken me to after Christmas. Feeling thankful I had gotten the address in order to send a “thank you” card to the owner, I followed the winding road through the forest until the small cabin appeared through the trees.
Thoughts of Parker brought tears to my eyes as I thought of our horrible fight the night before. I looked towards my phone and wondered if he had called. With the strength of a thousand horses, I somehow managed not to check and got out of my car. I tried knocking on the cabin door, but no one was home. Just as well. My purpose for this trip was the trail anyway.
Grabbing my backpack with food and water, I followed the trail Parker had shown me. It was harder to navigate on my own, but I managed, scraping my palms and elbows in the process. After three and a half hours and a body that ached with fatigue, I was finally at the top of the ridge, looking once again at the waterfall that consumed the view. It seemed more powerful today, fuller, as if nature had directed all its fury into one place. I stared at it in awe as I watched it roll over the side of the mountain and on to the rocks below. Rocks so beaten by the ferocity of the water that it made you question their strength, but yet I knew that with one slip, those same rocks could take my life in second.
I walked over to the place where Parker and I had rested, and where I had shared my deepest secret with him. I could almost still feel his touch as I remembered his words to me that day. They were words of unconditional love, the likes of which I had yet to ever experience in my life. I knew I loved him too that day. I was lost and broken, and with one word, Parker had given me everything I needed.
I sighed as I looked at my watch. It was getting late, and I knew I had a long trip back down the mountain. I turned to look at the view one more time before my descent and nodded. Like the zip line, I had gotten what I needed by coming here, too.
It was approaching five in the afternoon by the time I reached my car again, grateful that the dropping temperatures had dried the sweat accumulating on my face.
I headed back to the road and backtracked to find the crossroad that would take me to the highway. Just as I approached the turn, I saw a huge meadow situated behind one row of trees. The sun was low in the sky, which casted a perfect golden glow over the dried grass.
I pulled off the road and climbed through the old log fence surrounding the property. There was no one for miles, so I didn’t think anything of it when I walked to the center and sat down. The grass was hard and crunchy, the effects of the cold winter apparent wherever you looked. I laid back and stared at the sky, soaking in the last warmth the setting sun had to offer. There was something else I had to do…and it couldn’t wait any longer.
I pulled out my phone and turned it on for the first time since the morning. My voicemail showed three messages and six missed calls. I ignored them all and searched out the number I wanted.
“Hello?” my mom answered in her usual tone.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Avery! Hey hun, how are you?” she asked in her equally cheery voice.
My heart started racing, but today had been a day about overcoming fear, and I was not going to let it stop now. “I need to talk to you…do you have a minute?” I asked, determination resonating in my tone.
“Sure. Is something wrong?”
“Mom, I need you to know I love you, and I want a relationship with you. I also need you to know that relationship can only happen if we no longer discuss what I weigh, how I eat, how much I eat or how much I exercise. Is that possible?”
There was silence on the other end. “Mom?”
“I’m here,” she answered quietly.
“I know you didn’t realize what those things did to me, so I’m not angry at you, and I don’t blame you,” I continued. “I just need you to know now that they have to stop. I have to know you love me even if I’m not perfect.”
“Of course I love you, honey. I just wanted the best for you. I didn’t want you to end up unhappy with yourself,” she explained, and I could tell by her voice she was crying.
“I know, Mom. Let’s just find some new common ground and start from there. Ok?” I offered, knowing my mom didn’t cope well with confrontation, and it was time to end the conversation.
“Ok Avery. I can do that.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too,” she replied before hanging up the phone.
As I hung up the phone, I felt a surge of emotions fill me. I had spent most of my life hating who I was, constantly trying to be something better. For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be anyone else but me. I looked around the meadow, taking in the landscape that sat just below the picturesque mountain range and marveled at the beauty God had created. I thought back to the words I heard in the quad that horrible night. “Fearfully and wonderfully made,” the pastor had said. “Darkness becomes light.” Words that were from the bible, words that Parker said were the very breath of God.
I remembered the bible Parker’s mother had given me, which still sat untouched in my purse. I ran to the car and pulled it out, hoping I could find the answers I so desperately sought.
As I found my place back in the meadow, I began to flip through the pages and noticed a small piece of paper that had fallen in my lap. The letter was from Parker’s mom, and its words were like warmth on a snowy day.
Avery,
Ever since Parker was a baby, I have prayed scripture over him and his future wife. When I met you at Christmas, I finally felt I had a face to go with those prayers. I have prayed that God protects you and guides you in your journey though life. I have prayed for peace in the mist of turmoil and strength in the midst of temptation.
I have prayed that he let you soar on wings like eagles, but also that he keeps your path straight. I have prayed all these things because I believe that God’s word never comes back void. The bible says that it is by grace we have been saved, though faith in Jesus Christ. Avery, grace
means unearned favor. It’s in your imperfection that God’s glory is revealed. If you want to know him, all you have to do is accept his perfect gift of love. Don’t worry about what to do and how to do it. When the Lord calls to you…you will know.”
In His love,
Amy
I felt my heartbeat start to pick up as the need to know Him pulled me with an unexplainable force. I went to my knees and spoke, feeling somewhat insecure, as I had never done this before.
“Jesus,” I spoke as I looked around. “I don’t really know where to begin or what to say. I never really even knew who you were until I met Parker and his family, but part of me wonders if that was your doing as well. They tell me you want to know me, and that you love me unconditionally—that you know my thoughts and my actions and still love me. I’ve never understood unconditional love until I met Parker. Jesus, if that’s what you are offering to me…I want it. I know that means you expect all of me…and I’m ready to give it. No more fear, right? I’m so flawed and I feel lost in darkness almost all of the time. Please come save me from this pit I’ve let myself sink into. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
I let out a sigh and let the tears flow down my cheeks without remorse. I welcomed them, welcomed all that they symbolized and all that was being cleansed in me. It was in that meadow that I felt the one thing I never thought possible—I felt the unconditional love of Jesus Christ and surprisingly, an unexplained love for myself.
“Lord, may your love give her strength to become the woman I know you want her to be…”
23. CLARITY
My heart felt like it was in overdrive the entire way to Asheville, as I rehearsed my speech to him over and over in my head. Everything was so crystal clear that I wondered how it ever seemed so muddy. I parked the car and boldly walked to his front door. It was finally time to do this.
It took me knocking three different times before Jake finally answered the door. He looked tense and agitated, like he had just spent hours pacing the floors. It took him a second to register it was me, and then he pulled me into his arms tightly while he shut the door behind us when his foot. He buried his face in my hair as he held on to me.
“Where have you been? I’ve been going out of my mind! I’ve called you a million times. I went to your apartment twice. Baby, you can’t do that to me,” he exclaimed as he pulled back to look at me.
I shrugged and pulled away from his embrace. “I needed to get some things worked out in my head,” I explained.
He wasn’t satisfied not touching me, and reached out to take my hand in his while he whispered, “And?”
I looked at him clearly, taking in the face that had haunted my dreams since the day we met. I felt every emotion that I had buried, and the anger, the hurt and the love I had once felt for him came rushing back. “You hurt me,” I stated with more force than I intended.
He could see the tears in my eyes and pulled me closer to him. “I know,” he whispered, his voice full of regret.
“You devastated me,” I clarified, my voice a little softer this time.
It was as if my words were physically hurting him as I said them, but he only responded by pulling me closer and running his hand over my cheek. “I know.”
I wasn’t finished. He had to know how I felt. I was tired of hiding, tired of letting everything pass with a smile. “I gave you everything, trusted you explicitly, and you shattered my heart into a million pieces. And worse, you turned around and tied my hands together so I couldn’t even pick them up.”
He finally let go and ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “Avery, I know!” He came back to me quickly after saying that and took my face in his hands. “I didn’t want to love you,” he whispered. “But, I couldn’t let you go, because I think I always knew, deep down, you were it for me.”
I took his hands off my face and held them firmly in mine. “Jake…someone did want to love me, and he meticulously picked up every piece of my shattered heart and put it back together with such care and precision that now it’s stronger than it’s ever been.”
His face looked sad as he pulled me close to him, wrapping my arms around his waist as he started to caress my face once more. “I see that. I see how strong you’ve become. I see that you and I are exactly where we need to be to make this work. It’s the first time in my life I’m looking forward to my future. I promise you, Avery, this time I will handle that heart with so much more care.”
Somehow the conversation had turned and I was standing there in Jake’s arms as he leaned in to place a soft kiss on my lips. He pulled back smiling, knowing he had won, but I didn’t want this. The blinders were off, and I knew without question that his arms were the last place I wanted to be.
“Jake,” I said, putting my hands on his chest and stopping him as he came in for a deeper kiss. “I didn’t come here to talk about our future…I came to finally say goodbye to the past.”
My words took a minute to register, but when they did, he grabbed my wrists and pulled me back to him, pinning my body between himself and the wall. His demeanor had shifted so quickly that I froze in stunned silence as he spoke to me.
“You don’t mean it; you’re confused and scared, because you don’t trust me anymore. I get it. It’s all I thought about last night, because I knew he’d manipulate you into making the wrong choice.”
His voice sounded desperate as he leaned against me, nuzzling my neck with is lips as he spoke. His body weight was crushing and my heart started to race as I felt my breathing become labored. He took my reaction as encouragement and started kissing my jawline as he spoke.
“You’ve just forgotten,” he purred. “Forgotten how great we are, how much you love me.” He paused for just as second, and then continued, “I love you, Avery, you have to know that; I’ll never let you down again.”
With those last words, he pressed his lips to mine, forcing them open as he imposed his body on mine. When I didn’t respond, he got more eager and more aggressive, squeezing my wrist to the point where they started to throb. I moved underneath him, trying to get any space I could. Butterflies surged in my stomach, but not because it felt good or exciting, but because it felt wrong, so wrong that I somehow found the strength to turn my head enough to stop the kiss and mumble, “Jake, stop…you’re hurting me.”
His body went rigid as he set his forehead on the wall behind us. “And what do you think you’re doing to me?” he asked, his voice cracking as he did so.
He slowly began to loosen his grip as I felt the blood rush back to my fingers, bringing relief and pain at the same time. He backed away from me, allowing my lungs to take in a full breath of air, and slumped over to the couch to sit down.
I took a deep breath, calming my beating heart and sat down next to him, taking his hand in mine. “I fell in love with him,” I said softly, hoping those words would explain it all.
“You used to be in love with me,” he stated flatly, looking up at me with his piercing green eyes.
“I was obsessed with you, Jake…so much so that I allowed it to infiltrate every aspect of my life. I would have been anything you wanted me to be, done anything you asked of me, just to be with you. Even if it meant losing myself completely.”
“Baby, that’s what love is,” he said sighing, shaking his head.
“I used to think so,” I explained, “but now I realize it is so much more, and as much as you think you love me now, you don’t, Jake.” He started to interrupt, but I continued, cutting him off. “You don’t know me. I’m just starting to get to know the real me.”
“And you think he does? Know you, that is,” he asked, contempt dripping from his mouth.
“I think it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I love myself enough to do what’s best for me.”
“And what do you think that is, Avery?” His words were full of bitterness as he looked at me.
“Letting you go,” I stated softly. His face immediately changed as disbelief and anger set in. I
made sure he kept eye contact with me as I continued, “And if you care about me as much as you say you do…you’ll let me do that.”
He stared at me for a long time as if daring my eyes to say what my mouth just did. I held my ground, matching his silence with my own, never taking my eyes from his. He finally shook his head and jumped off the couch to walk away. I didn’t turn to look at him, and jumped when I heard the bathroom door slam behind him.
I stood up and took a deep breath, feeling relief cover me as left his apartment. I whispered, “Goodbye Jake,” before closing the door behind me for what I knew would be the very last time.
I felt the tears streak down my face as I turned out of his parking lot. But I knew no matter how hard it was to put him behind me, what lay ahead held so much more promise. That was, of course, if I hadn’t already lost it.
It was only a ten-minute drive between Jake and Parker’s apartment, but it gave me the time I needed to regroup. I had no idea how Parker would react or if he would even see me at all. None of the messages on my phone had been from him, meaning he wasn’t ready to talk, but I prayed he wouldn’t refuse me in person.
Unlike at Jake’s, his door opened after the first knock, but my heart fell when I saw Randy in front of me.
“Is Parker here?” I asked tentatively.
He scowled at me, but stepped out of the way so I could come through the door.
“What did you do to him?” he asked, his tone not hiding its accusation. “I’ve never seen him so messed up.”
I didn’t respond, but looked down the hall towards Parker’s room. The door was shut.
Randy followed my eyes and let out a deep sigh. “He’s not here. Left before I even woke up, and I haven’t seen him all day.”
“Do you know where he is?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from pleading like I wanted to.
“I don’t know, probably studying. His life isn’t going to stop just because you broke his heart,” Randy spatted, no longer even trying to hide his distain for me.
